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AIBU?

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Original poster

To threaten divorce

50 replies

Wineandcheases · 26/03/2016 10:14

Husband loves is but is crap. I do everything as he forgets can't be arsed. He forgets everything from bathing dd to sorting her tea . He works 50 hours a week but I work 25-30 and do everything . When I asked him what he's has done for our daughter he actually can't think of anything. I do baths homework teas pack ups shopping as he forgets or fucks it up . I'm exhausted and sick of him

OP posts:
noisytoys · 26/03/2016 10:17

Don't threaten divorce unless you are willing to follow through with getting a divorce. I agree he doesn't sound great though.

Original poster
Wineandcheases · 26/03/2016 10:28

I think I am through . He always promises things will change they don't and he gets worse and worse

OP posts:
DonkeyOaty · 26/03/2016 10:41

Don't threaten it

Get yourself sorted out in advance - paperwork gathered up, have a think about where you would live (depends on factors like - mortgage/rented, would you be able to access family support from a different house, that kind of thing)

Get advice from a solicitor, yes it's a financial hit but proper advice is useful

Pufflehuff · 26/03/2016 12:43

Just sort things out and serve him with the papers. A threat isn't going to make him change. He will never change. Knowing that, you can now move forward. It will be hard but you'll probably feel better once the wheels are in motion, you've sought legal advice and decided how the housing/finances will work.

OliviaBenson · 26/03/2016 14:05

He doesn't forget, he just doesn't care.

If you threaten it, you need to follow through (which sounds for the best to be honest). In the mean time, don't do anything for him, no tea, no packup, no washing.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/03/2016 14:37

"he forgets or fucks it up"
Do you feel he genuinely forgets? Genuinely fucks it up? Or do you feel he says he forgets but really decides he's not doing it, and fucks it up deliberately so he won't be asked to do it again?

TimeToMuskUp · 26/03/2016 14:40

Get everything in order. Don't make threats, don't show him your cards, just do what you need to do. You sound at the end of your rope, don't let him get you any more upset, and stop doing anything for him. Look after yourself and your DD. He's a grown man, he can fend for himself and learn to deal with his own shitty attitude.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 26/03/2016 14:52

He work 50 hours a week and you do 25-30. So, in theory you have 20-25 hours to take up the slack in order to make it equal. In his eyes looking after a child and a home might not take up 20-25 so it's possible he thinks you should be taking up all that slack on your own without any input from him.

However, any parent who can't be arsed to bathe or feed his own child needs to be got shot of.

Only threaten if you're prepared to follow through, otherwise he'll get worse. If that's possible.

Realfootyfan · 26/03/2016 16:00

What you say Bitter, only makes sense if childcare is a Monday to Friday activity. If OP is doing all housework/childcare during the week, that would cover the 20 hours slack in itself. Washing/cooking/shopping/cleaning/pick up/drop off/homework/baths/reading stories/play dates/ironing/tidying/school admin etc could easily take up four hours a day. But if he's doing nothing at weekends too, he's definitely not doing his share.

Lottie2611 · 26/03/2016 16:17

Is he tired ?

kennyp · 26/03/2016 16:17

don't threaten divorce unless you are prepared.

from current experience, better to be alone and single than lonely in a marriage.

kennyp · 26/03/2016 16:18

i meant alone but unhappy (woe is me!) than lonely and unhappy and married. it's complicated writing it down but my brain knows what i am thinking!!

AcrossthePond55 · 26/03/2016 16:21

Never issue an ultimatum that you are not ready and able to carry out. If you do, you will blunt any weapon you possess as he will know you don't mean what you say.

Get your ducks in a row. If you aren't, become knowledgeable with regards to family finances. Calculate any benefits you might be eligible for as well as child maintenance. See a solicitor for legal advice with regards to divorce and what you may reasonably expect settlement-wise.

Once you know all this, decide if you want to go or stay. And whether or not you truly believe he'd be willing to change. Only then should you confront him.

Lottie2611 · 26/03/2016 16:23

Before talking about divorce, see if your husband is struggling... Depressed....

ElderlyKoreanLady · 26/03/2016 16:32

He 'forgets' to feed a child? I'd just divorce him tbh.

If he's already taking for granted that you'll do absolutely everything, he's confident you won't divorce him because of that.

Original poster
Wineandcheases · 26/03/2016 17:53

He is tired , starts middle of the night.
He wouldn't not feed her if she said I'm hungry but example last week . I came home and it was around 7she was about to go to bed she had late lunch at 2 so he had just given her a l banana and didn't think she would need anything else before bed .
Other times he will collect me from work 6 ish she will be vile - I will then find out he's made no tea - she in infant school - and last eaten at lunch .
He's now saying he wil change will start doing more . Doesn't bother me to much when he is at work - but if he has a short day or a day off I expect him to sort tea / bath something . Iv told him he's beyond shit as a father -not been as blunt before .we will see .
What really has upset me out of all this is I was considering taking a job with more hours but daughter is worried who will loop after her. Explained her dad ( he's home mid afternoon ) and she just looked at me and burst into tears saying she will miss me , wants me to take her to school - doesnt want her dad . Told him I feel trapped by his inadequacies - he should be able to take care of her . We had along talk and he said the less he does the less he remembers to do it . Because he fucks up i find myself doing everything before I go to work despite him back at 3 - dinner prepared dd has bath and does homework with me before school - as he will forget - sorry for the rant . I love him not always been like this . I find it desperately sad he can forget to do these things Sad

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 26/03/2016 18:11

Oh that is terrible:( your poor daughter, not wanting be left alone with her dad as he won't feed her. Scary because if you did split, he surely be having her alone and you have zero control then in how she's being loooked after.

Pure la

ElderlyKoreanLady · 26/03/2016 18:16

That really is horrible for your DD Sad she's in infant school and is worried about being looked after by her dad? And he only feeds her if she prompts him to? That's really quite poor. I know you love him, but he needs to be a better parent. It's not fair on your DD at all for things to carry on as they are.

Original poster
Wineandcheases · 26/03/2016 18:42

I know it's not fair . That's why I do slow cooker meals so it's there . But he's saying because he does less he doesn't think . He wouldn't starve her but he isn't very good with the routine - it's me that does it all . I occasionally leave him to do it and it's a fucking disaster . She loves him - he's they play etc but routine wise it doesn't exist . On the opposite extreme she will have tea and then if she nags he just gives her crisps etc after she's had tea and a pudding . He loves her but he's chaotic. I'm like a single mum

OP posts:
SpongeCakeBigPants · 26/03/2016 18:45

Do you actually want to stay married to him? Say he changed over night and started doing more, looking after your dd properly, would you stay? If not then, as others have said, get your ducks in a row, see a solicitor and get a divorce.

If you'd stay though, you need some new strategies to help him change. My husband will happily do anything I ask him but struggles to know what to do of his own accord. Normally I leave a note telling him what to give for a snack at what time, what time and what's for tea, when bathtime should be etc. Maybe you could try this and pop a couple of easy chores such as putting a load of washing in or taking out the bins so he starts to get use to helping out around the house too. It might just help him to get into the routine of helping out more generally.

Original poster
Wineandcheases · 26/03/2016 18:48

Sponge I could do that . I do love him . He's not all bad he's genuinely frustrated that he fucks up or that I'm angry with him again . I just need things to change as it can't carry on . Maybe I could do a list of what has to be done . Don't particularly want yo baby him -but it's worth a try

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 26/03/2016 18:54

My poor sil is married to a man who absents himself from being a proper parent and husband by being unashamedly useless. For reasons I won't go into, she can't leave him and I'm so sad for her. Her and her DC deserve so much better.

I think you and your DD do too. Definitely consider leaving but as others said, sort the practical stuff first before you get to the emotional stuff.

Sorry, it can't be easy.Sad

SpongeCakeBigPants · 26/03/2016 18:56

No I totally agree that as an adult you shouldn't have to tell him what to do, but I know from my own husband and for my own piece of mind, that writing out the routine means I don't come back to a tired, hungry child or messy house. he might just need a little prompt to get his act together.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 26/03/2016 19:13

Agree, writing out the routine is a really good idea. However, I wouldn't personally go a step further and prompt him to stick to it. If he's frustrated then hopefully once you've made it clear what needs doing, he'll make a concerted effort to change. I don't think his reason (not thinking to do it because he already does so little) is acceptable. He's effectively blaming being lazy (outside of work) on being lazy. But he doesn't get to do that to this extent as a parent. He needs to be meeting the needs of your DD as a minimum. And IMO he shouldn't need prompting to do the basics such as feeding and bathing her. Good luck finding a solution. It's difficult when you love someone who isn't participating in parenting. Flowers

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/03/2016 19:41

How can you forget to feed a child? How?

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