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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To threaten divorce

50 replies

Wineandcheases · 26/03/2016 10:14

Husband loves is but is crap. I do everything as he forgets can't be arsed. He forgets everything from bathing dd to sorting her tea . He works 50 hours a week but I work 25-30 and do everything . When I asked him what he's has done for our daughter he actually can't think of anything. I do baths homework teas pack ups shopping as he forgets or fucks it up . I'm exhausted and sick of him

OP posts:
SmaDizietSma · 26/03/2016 19:53

You definitely shouldn't need to write a timetable. It would help you piece of mind and will mean he has no excuse.

FlowersWine

WannabeHippyAndCrazyCatLady · 26/03/2016 20:18

Does he have ADHD?! The chaos and forgetfulness sounds an awful lot like this.

As a partner of an ADHD adult it can be incredibly frustrating and part of that is that you end up doing everything for your child and home which is tiring to say the least. However, they really can't help behaving like this and genuinely forget...there are lots of things you can do to support him though. Writing lists, being patient etc....

Wineandcheases · 26/03/2016 21:32

ADHD is hyperactive isn't it ? Sorry if I'm wrong -

OP posts:
Mishaps · 26/03/2016 21:43

Divorce is not a bargaining tool - so don't threaten it. Discuss it rationally or just do it.

MadamDeathstare · 26/03/2016 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToutVraimentRidicule1 · 26/03/2016 22:16

I think some of you have missed a very important point, that was only briefly mentioned. The OP husband works nights.

Divorce? Ok. On a scale of things, getting a bit grumpy 'cos hubby is a bit forgetful doesn't really qualify, does it?

I'm forgetful sometimes too. I'm up at 5.00am. Out of the house by 5.30am. Generally not home before 9.00pm. I sleep when....

I cook for my wife (she has her own business won't take time to eat)

We play with our daughter. And put her to bed together.

So. 11.00pm if possible.

Maybe he's as exhausted as I and my wife are? I can understand that. But don't threaten divorce. Talk to each other.

Or have I totally contradicted myself?

WannabeHippyAndCrazyCatLady · 26/03/2016 22:45

It can manifest as reckless behaviour, forgetfulness, restlessness, easily distracted, angry outbursts etc. - Google adult symptoms.

If you research the marital problems for ADHD sufferers it is enlightening.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 26/03/2016 22:56

ADHD can have hyperactive physical elements. But also hyperactive mental elements - the brain flits from one thing to another. It's not just about being unable to sit still. Or there's ADD, which doesn't have the hyperactive element.

Mostly though, it sounds like your dh doesn't have the confidence in himself to parent his dd, because you do all the parenting. So he just needs the practice without worrying what happens if he doesn't stick to the routine. Which means your dd needs to learn not to worry, or more likely pick up on your concern for her wellbeing while with her dad.

I have this too. I make sure all the kids have their packed lunches, do all their homework with them, forms and appointments, make sure they clean their teeth and wash their faces. Take them to their clubs. Dh works full time, comes home and the kids rush to him for fun time/biscuits and tv. It's infuriating as he doesn't do all the bread and butter stuff of being a parent.

I decided to take a step back, a deep breath and let him get on with it. I try and get a day out every couple of months so dh has to step up and do everything, from getting them up to preparing dinner for when I get back. It's getting better with time. It's shown me that the dh can manage without me, I'm not indispensable. It's shown dh that there's more to being a parent than feeding them biscuits for breakfast and going to the chilly for tea.

Of course, this all depends on your breaking point. You may already have tried this over a considerable period of time and he's still not stepped up. In which case, use your time to get organised and present papers as a done deal, rather than something which can be pushed against and broken for you decide the next time might be the last one.

RubbleBubble00 · 26/03/2016 23:10

ADHD can manifest without hyperactivity but aside from that I would make him a check list. Dh became sahd and was a bit crap to start so we started timed daily routine list (funny use similar with ADHD son).

I meal planned for the wk - we ate our dinner together so it was a meal he could easily prep in early days - stir fry, spag Bol, chill, boiled spuds and meat ect. List on the fridge door of what we were to have for dinner each night.

So his list might have looked like

3pm pick dc up from school
3.10 arrive home and give dc banana for snack and drink of milk
3.30 sit at table and do dd homework - at start I'd sublist reading, spellings ect
4.00 let dc play/watch TV while prepping dinner
4.30 put any dirty washing in washing machine, fold any dried washing and put . away
5.00 cook dinner and serve
5.30 put dishes in dishwasher and wipe table
6.00 bath dc (but this was only 3x a wk), put in pj and brush teeth
7.00 read dc story and into bed

Probably a bit patronising but it did allow us both to follow same routine

Friendlystories · 26/03/2016 23:22

I would do the list/timetable thing but I would make it crystal clear it is last chance saloon and a temporary aid to help him get into a routine. If he doesn't stick to it and doesn't take it on board enough for it to become unnecessary within a few weeks then I would seriously consider ending the marriage. You need to sit him down and explain how difficult you're finding his inability to co-parent your child and that the list idea is his last chance. He needs to understand that being constantly let down when he fails to do the basics for DD and the subsequent 'mopping up' you have to do to get things back on track when you get home is actually harder than being a single parent where at least you expect to have to do everything yourself. If he doesn't stick to the timetable or starts to slip again soon after you stop leaving him a list then it's time to call it quits. I do take the point pp's have made about shared custody throwing up its own problems so part of my preparation for a potential divorce would be finding out whether details of his neglect (not feeding DD etc) could be included in an unreasonable behaviour petition and be taken into consideration when negotiating a child arrangement order. Basically I would be going for supervised contact only on the grounds that he can't be trusted to provide for your DD's basic needs. All that is for later on down the line if you are going to give him the opportunity to fix this with the help of lists from you though, good luck OP it must be horribly frustrating and wearing for you Flowers

MistressDeeCee · 27/03/2016 05:28

He is wrong. But he works 50 hours per week and you work 25-30 plus do all else? Its so wearisome.. 2 people in a relationship that apply so much time to work outside the house, they've not even the time for each other or to build on family life, love, relationship. I hope its worth it. Yes he needs to do more, tell him straight. But you're both on a treadmill and one or other of you will burn out.

Chchchchangeabout · 27/03/2016 05:54

Definitely sounds like this needs sorting. However just wanted to say I wouldn't read too much into your daughter bursting into tears. My husband does 50% of the parenting when we're both here but our preschooler would likely do and say the same thing if I upped my work hours.

TwoTwentyGowerRoad · 27/03/2016 06:34

I would leave a man that I had to make a note for to get him to wipe a table, or more likely not marry them in the first place. How can there be so many men out there that have so few skills that are needed to get through life without burning the house down or getting food poisoning? I am a bit ADD but I can change a wheel on the motorway and check the temperature in the fridge. OP must feel like she has two children and this type of thing answers the question as to why so many women go off sex. Who wants to sleep with someone so useless they don't even realise their own child may need actual food between school lunch and going to bed? When they do realise (because their wife has told them) , all they are capable of producing is a chippy tea! Is it the previous generation of women that have raised a load of precious princes that have never had to wash a cup or find a spoon, that is to blame? I agree with the PP that says that Wines DH may have ADD or ADHD but the DH here is capable of keeping a job and feeding himself presumably so even if he does have a personality disorder of some sort, there has to be frank laziness and lack of thought in the mix here too surely? I sympathise with you OP, I would want to leave too in your shoes.

Wineandcheases · 27/03/2016 08:32

Thankyou for the links - he has said he flits from one thing to another and he is very easily destractacted . I might show him the article . . He is very much trying this morning but it's how long he can keep it up . I hate having to do a list but am going to give it a try .

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 27/03/2016 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ememem84 · 27/03/2016 10:15

I agree with others. Don't threaten it.

I would cut back on things you do for him.

Wineandcheases · 27/03/2016 10:28

Mistress I can't give my job up we need to pay bills - those hours are standard in his . I persumed those sort of hours are pretty standard with most families

OP posts:
Wineandcheases · 27/03/2016 10:29

Change about Thankyou ChocolateFlowers

OP posts:
Ememem84 · 27/03/2016 10:32

Both Dh and I work 35 hours a week. it feels like I do everything. Except for today.

Today I have made a stand. People are coming for lunch. Dh is sorting it. He said he would. So I'm naively believing him. And haven't got a back up dinner. He hasn't shipped for it yet....

Wineandcheases · 27/03/2016 10:34

Em ! Let me know how it goes ! which shops will be open ? C

OP posts:
Ememem84 · 27/03/2016 10:50

No shops. No shops will be open.
we have food so people won't go hungry but they may have chilli/spag Bol instead of the planned lovely roast

I'm a believer in letting things fail within reason to make a point. Not talking about walking away from Dh. Just trying to make a point. We want kids. But I'm not even going there unless he picks up.

MetalMidget · 27/03/2016 10:53

If you're in the UK (or anywhere in the EU), I'm pretty sure that 50 hours can't be the 'standard' due to the 48 working directive. Some companies include sign out clauses in the contract, but legally you're allowed to reject this, or or to drop the waiver at a later point. It's illegally for companies to discriminate against employees that wish to stick to the 48 hour max.

Maybe if he reduced his hours when you increase yours, he could carry more of the domestic duties (so be less 'forgetful'), whilst not losing out financially?

Wineandcheases · 27/03/2016 10:57

Metal you have to accept it in the contract he signed that or no job

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 27/03/2016 23:11

Wineandcheases wasn't suggesting you give up your job - thats not feasible. But when you become a parent something has to "give" and I think in this society there's too much of this "you can do it all" thing, so parents run themselves ragged. & your relationship hits burn out because its the least and last thing you apply your time and energy to. Also, that you can't do with a little "less" so, there's no "give". Your DH does 50 hours per week night shifts. He has to get his sleep daytime, night shifts play havoc with the mind/body I find. Your 25-30 hours is daytime I presume? + with all else, its clear you actually barely stop working. I just think its all too much devoted to the treadmill and I really wouldn't go with giving him ultimatums. Or withdrawing from doing certain tasks, you won't be able to stand the mess. & being the "tough" woman isn't going to solve anything. A battle relationship isn't an achievement or anything to aspire to. I think you both need help even if you pay for that help at time eg cleaning ironing..anything to give you some time back so you can function both as a couple and as parents, and get a break from the relentlessness of it all

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