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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to go anymore

111 replies

jellypopmummy · 25/03/2016 15:33

We have a wedding at the beginning of June. It is my DH friends (I know the majority of people though) and I am looking forward to it (not the cost however). Anyway last night we ended up having an argument about something unrelated and it somehow turned round to the fact that I was going to embarrass him at the wedding because I am fat. He pointed out he wanted to lose weight (we both acknowledge we are overweight) and I hadn't made any effort to help him or do the same and said that all the other DW and GF will have been making an effort to lose weight as it's what women do and everyone was basically going to look at me like I was a ugly whale in a dress.

I know I'm fat, I wish I wasn't and I go through phases where I do try to lose weight, but it is so hard and I am an emotional eater so when I get down I eat.

I was so hurt and taken aback at this comment I did say that I would just feign illness if he felt his friends were so shallow that they could not accept me as I am. I know I look shit next to the skinny girl, I look hideous due to my thunder thighs and fat feet that don't fit in shoes properly. This is not unknown to me, being fat makes me conscious of how every outfit looks and sits. I know part of this is down to the fact he is self conscious at the fact he is fat too. I did point out to him that if he wanted to lose weight, why was that dependent on me making the first step, he is a big boy and could do it on his own.

I've not said anything further as I don't want to show how much this has actually hurt me and I feel even worse for eating a full packet of cookies, knowing this doesn't help. I'm prepared for the inevitable LTB comments, but this was out of the blue. I know he has no right to say that to me even if he is projecting his own feelings. I've just gone from looking forward to a nice day out, to wanting nothing to do with it. Doesn't help that the bride is a size 6/8, almost 6ft tall could be model.....

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 25/03/2016 19:36

Yep worra....

Ok. Now I know you're shitting us all.

Lottie2611 · 25/03/2016 19:36

Thanks lucielle Wink

Waltermittythesequel · 25/03/2016 19:38

So he respects you because you look how he wants you to look?

I hope you are on a wind up, actually because that's just too pathetic.

WellErrr · 25/03/2016 19:39

Lottie you're hilarious.

Grin
Arkhamasylum · 25/03/2016 19:39

Lottie, when your husband 'shows you off', are you wearing a t-shirt that says 'I stir shit on Mumsnet'?

Lottie2611 · 25/03/2016 19:41

So great how people twist things.
Yeah my husband respects me cos I listen to him. That's what I said yeah

Waltermittythesequel · 25/03/2016 19:42

Eat a snickers, Lottie

AmysTiara · 25/03/2016 19:43

I'm laughing at Worra. Lottie appears to have missed the fact the husband is fat himself. Why he can go on at the OP when he could lose afew pounds himself is beyond rude

Lottie2611 · 25/03/2016 19:43

Ok to make you all happy I'll change my advice.

Op. Stay overweight. Feel really self conscious and unhappy. Have a nice time at the wedding

LifeCrossRoad · 25/03/2016 19:45

lottie I am thankful as fuck that my husband didn't marry be becuase he thought I looked good in his arm! like some footballer marrying a model. It means I can spend my time enjoying his company rather than 7 hours a day in the gym/salon etc knowing he'll pick someone else when I get old.

OP size 16 is nothing, if his friends are really that shallow then they're horrid. I know you don't want to hear it, but if my husband spoke to me like that I'd leave him. I'm bigger than you, but can dress well for my figure.

Lottie2611 · 25/03/2016 19:49

Life crossroad. Did I say my husband married me because I looked good on his arm?

rosieliveson1 · 25/03/2016 19:49

I'm overweight. I'm not happy about it but actually doing anything about it is really hard. My DH has loved me equally, actually he probably loves me now at an 18 more than when we started dating and I was a 12. He is always proud to have me 'on his arm' because I'm chatty, friendly, intelligent and witty. Not because he can show me off like some sort of handbag. I'm not a possession!
OP, if you want and can lose weight then do. If it's not the right time for you then don't. If it were my chunky DH giving me advice I'd tell him to feel free to lead by example. I'd also be reminding him that if you did make an effort to shift a few pounds, people might wonder what you see in a fat, unsupportive man!

RockUnit · 25/03/2016 20:13

OP, decide whether you'd like to attend the wedding, for the occasion it will be, without your appearance having anything to do with it. The other guests will probably just want to meet nice people, and will be more concerned about what they look like themselves,rather than judging anyone else.

If you don't want to go, pick something else you'd really enjoy doing that day instead.

99percentchocolate · 25/03/2016 20:18

"I will bet you £10 that if you did observe calories and lose weight and succeeded and all that jazz, he'd sulk and moan about how you're judging him for being fat and how you're no fun anymore. He wouldn't actually do it himself, just blame you."

^ this. He will never be happy.

Fwiw I've met two women in my life that have been universally acknowledged as incredibly sexy by everyone they've met. When they walk into rooms everything stops and they become the centre of attention.
Both are size 18+.

harverina · 25/03/2016 20:22

I would be devastated if my dh spoke to me like this. Absolutely devastated because he must know how you feel about your weight. So he must therefore know how upset his comments would make you feel. I would absolutely accept my husband letting me know gently if he was concerned about my weight. But not because he was fucking embarrassed by me.

Sorry op but i would struggle to see past this. Yes it's important to me for my dh to be attracted to me. I would hate him not to be. But I would hope that he would love me enough to have some tact and to care for me enough for him not to be so insensitive and hurtful.

Your dh is maybe embarrassed that you are both overweight but to attack you in the way that he did is selfish and mean.

You are a 16 not a size 30. From your op I thought you were going to say you were really big.

It sounds like you want to lose weight so go for it if you think it will make YOU happier.

Headofthehive55 · 25/03/2016 20:24

Another one here who would be horrified if I thought my DH wore me on his arm like a possession.

Marylin Monroe. Now she was size 16. I don't think she had difficulties attracting men....

RockUnit · 25/03/2016 20:27

You are a 16 not a size 30.

That makes no difference. People who are a size 30 should still be treated with the same courtesy as anyone else.

Aducknotallama · 25/03/2016 20:35

Lose weight then lose him.

RubbleBubble00 · 25/03/2016 20:38

weirdly I don't think this is about you. I think it's him projecting his own unhappiness with his weight onto you - which is unfair and pointless

harverina · 25/03/2016 20:42

Rock absolutely agree with you. I wasn't for a minute suggesting that anyone who is overweight would deserve to be spoken to in this way. I suppose though that someone being a size 30 would perhaps stand out more as being overweight than someone who is a 16. No one at the wedding would bat an eyelid so to speak.

harverina · 25/03/2016 20:48

And op to answer your question I wouldn't go after this. Sounds like there will be lots of couples so let him go and miss you

Arkhamasylum · 25/03/2016 21:03

I would give it a miss, for the simple reason that, if I were in a room of horrid, judgemental arseholes (and I know these are theoretical), I would want my husband to be on my side, not theirs.

Your husband sounds very insecure, OP, but he shouldn't be trying to make it your problem.

binkiesandpopcorns · 25/03/2016 21:25

Hmm at all this "looking good on your husband's arm shite". The OP is a human being, not an accessory to be showed off. This is not the 1980s any more.

OP if you still want to go to the wedding, you can. If you wear the right clothes, I think you can look as if you've dropped nearly a stone, without the misery of dieting Grin I can get nice clothes and I am larger than you. Get something stunning, wear it with pride and have a great time, and have a think about whether you want someone in your life who values you for the number on your bathroom scales.

RockUnit · 25/03/2016 21:30

This is not the 1980s any more.

Grin I don't think women were too keen on being "accessories" in the 80s either...

acasualobserver · 25/03/2016 22:09

It makes me feel very old to see the 1980s used as shorthand for some distant and primitive past.