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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go anymore

111 replies

jellypopmummy · 25/03/2016 15:33

We have a wedding at the beginning of June. It is my DH friends (I know the majority of people though) and I am looking forward to it (not the cost however). Anyway last night we ended up having an argument about something unrelated and it somehow turned round to the fact that I was going to embarrass him at the wedding because I am fat. He pointed out he wanted to lose weight (we both acknowledge we are overweight) and I hadn't made any effort to help him or do the same and said that all the other DW and GF will have been making an effort to lose weight as it's what women do and everyone was basically going to look at me like I was a ugly whale in a dress.

I know I'm fat, I wish I wasn't and I go through phases where I do try to lose weight, but it is so hard and I am an emotional eater so when I get down I eat.

I was so hurt and taken aback at this comment I did say that I would just feign illness if he felt his friends were so shallow that they could not accept me as I am. I know I look shit next to the skinny girl, I look hideous due to my thunder thighs and fat feet that don't fit in shoes properly. This is not unknown to me, being fat makes me conscious of how every outfit looks and sits. I know part of this is down to the fact he is self conscious at the fact he is fat too. I did point out to him that if he wanted to lose weight, why was that dependent on me making the first step, he is a big boy and could do it on his own.

I've not said anything further as I don't want to show how much this has actually hurt me and I feel even worse for eating a full packet of cookies, knowing this doesn't help. I'm prepared for the inevitable LTB comments, but this was out of the blue. I know he has no right to say that to me even if he is projecting his own feelings. I've just gone from looking forward to a nice day out, to wanting nothing to do with it. Doesn't help that the bride is a size 6/8, almost 6ft tall could be model.....

OP posts:

EssentialHummus · 25/03/2016 16:40

That's really not on OP. I'd be telling him that he can go on his own, and let his mates know why you felt unable to go along if they ask.

ZenNudist · 25/03/2016 17:26

Nasty. And bizarre. 1) women do t lose weight 'for a wedding' (unless you're the bride), 2) it's not your fault he's fat, 3) if it were then it would be his fault that you're overweight by the same logic.

I think you need to consider losing weight if you feel so low about yourself but you're not going to be able to do it for anyone else but yourself.

You also need to get him to realise that he can't treat you like this. As you say he's not made personal comments before then it sounds like it can be worked out.

Alexa444 · 25/03/2016 17:39

LTB? I would murder the bastard. He has to sleep sometime. How dare he make you feel shit. I would give him a taste of his own medicine. Let him feel how awful it is to feel like your OH is ashamed of you. You are no bigger than I am although I am a little taller and I don't think we are massively fat. Not saying we couldn't benefit from a bit of exercise and less mcdonalds but if anyone said that to me I'd be really upset and wouldn't be able to stay with them.

Waltermittythesequel · 25/03/2016 17:44

I think you should lose weight.

You should lose whatever he fucking weighs by dumping his bastard arse.

Seriously, WHY are you making excuses for him? He's not projecting, he's abusing.

Stick to your diet, start working out, FOR YOU. Get your confidence back and then you'll see that there is never any reason for anyone to speak to someone this way, especially someone who is supposed to love and respect you.

oldlaundbooth · 25/03/2016 17:47

So the wedding is in June?

And you're a 16 but want to be 10? (does maths)

Say a size is a stone. That's 14*3=42lbs.

You could lose at least a stone by June if you wanted to. Or maybe more.

But don't do it because of his ridiculous comment.

Do it for you.

But his comment would have made me determined to lose weight, feel awesome and smug.

Loads of threads in Weight Loss - Slimming World, Low Carb, Weight Watchers etc.

(I am not going to say LTB because I know you don't need to to hear it)

Also, as PP have said, his weight certainly isn't your problem. He needs to fix himself.

oldlaundbooth · 25/03/2016 17:49

P. S. You definitely aren't big OP, size 16 isn't huge, I thought you were gonna say you were much more.

SeptemberFlowers · 25/03/2016 17:57

What an arsehole !

Those comments are nasty and shit. He's not projecting he's just being a dick. You need to say something to him about and how it hurt you.

There is a quick way to lose 15st but it involves telling him where to go and that's not an option for you currently.

I'd turn this around into something to prove a point to myself and piss him off because I'm a cow do a 90 day plan of low carb or that Body Coach thing, buy a fabulous dress and not go to the wedding with a nasty comment of "Well everyone will be looking and I don't want to be with the fattest person there"

Possibly not the most diplomatic resolution though

Lottie2611 · 25/03/2016 18:00

Id want my husband to be honest if I was too fat for him.

You seem unhappy with your appearance? Why don't you do something about it and show him how sexy you can be

KimmySchmit · 25/03/2016 18:01

Size 16? I'm sure you don't have fat feet!
One thing I really respect my ex for is never commenting on my ever fluctuating weight, he loved ME and was never embarrassed by me.
For me things would take a shift if I found out he felt embarrassed and I would lose respect. Sorry

Waltermittythesequel · 25/03/2016 18:04

Lottie ODFOD.

There's no way that post is not a wind up.

conkerpods · 25/03/2016 18:04

My ex husband told me he didn't find me attractive because of the way my stomach looked. It really fucking hurt me at the time so I know how you're feeling.
We split up a while after and it's only years down the line and having found Mumsnet that he was actually very controlling in lots of ways.
I bloody wish I knew about the relationships board back then.
I am now with a man who would never,ever criticise my appearance or weight.

AyeAmarok · 25/03/2016 18:05

If you want to lose weight then do it for you. Not him.

He sounds like a horrible person, who makes himself feel better by putting you down. So he's overweight and wants to look better to other people, but it sounds like he'd rather look better himself by having a slim woman on his arm and be "better" looking by association or something? Rather than having to do the actual work and effort himself to lose weight.

He sounds like a dickhead.

Lottie2611 · 25/03/2016 18:06

Walter why?

gamerchick · 25/03/2016 18:11

Because that comment came from a windy place maybe lottie?

gamerchick · 25/03/2016 18:11

*your comment

Lottie2611 · 25/03/2016 18:15

What's wrong with wanting to look good for your husband? The poster clearly is unhappy with her looks. It's all well and good calling the husband names. Deal with the problem in hand.
The two of them seem depressed with themselves.

mogloveseggs · 25/03/2016 18:17

That's a really crappy thing to say to you. I agree with pj's, if you want to lose weight then do it for you. But everyone will be looking at the bride at the wedding. Put on your loveliest dress, be yourself and leave him sat at the table whilst you dance the night away. He might realise what he could lose if he's not careful.

KimmySchmit · 25/03/2016 18:18

No I think she should want to look good for herself not her husband

memyselfandaye · 25/03/2016 18:23

Stick with him, go on a diet and start cooking healthy meals for both of you, but load his with sugar and fat.

Then when you have lost a bit of weight tell him to fuck off and find a supermodel.

DinosaursRoar · 25/03/2016 18:30

I think he clearly is embarrassed you are "the fat couple" and while he's happy enough with that, as in, not unhappy enough to do something about it himself like lose weight, encourage you to do the same (and encourage as in cook healthy foods, do more round the house so you can free up some exercise time, that sort of 'encouragement' not callingyou fat), he's now realised he's going to have to face one of those social situations where all his friends and their DWs are there at the same time and it'll be more obvious to him.

Are you embarrassed to dancing with the fattest man in the room, or are you just having fun in your DH's company? Perhaps ask him if he's really struggling with the fact that you are both different to everyone else and does he want to change your lifestyles? Say you think it's very unreasonable of him to expect you to do something he can't do himself.

(That said, do not use the fact that you are unhappy that you are overweight as an excuse to allow yourself to overeat this weekend to chear yourself up. If you are miserable because you are overweight then this won't help. If you are miserable because your DH undermines you, then losing weight won't help either)

Notimefortossers · 25/03/2016 18:36

I would totally shame him. Message his friend and say you're really sorry you'll no longer be able to attend as your husband has made it clear he will be embarrassed by his 'fat' wife.

lem73 · 25/03/2016 18:38

Lose the weight for yourself. I have to say if someone said those things to me, I'd eat even more just out of spite! But that's just me!
My dh has been a bit overweight all his life and he does project his insecurity on to me. I'm very disciplined about food etc and I think he needs me to be like that to stop him overeating or eating the wrong stuff. However he would never say things like that to me. I don't think insecurity about being fat is any kind of explanation for your dh's behaviour.
Don't think losing weight and going down to a size 8 would solve your problem. If you did and he didn't I rather think he'd resent you and get nastier (I've seen things like that happen).

Waltermittythesequel · 25/03/2016 18:47

Why don't you do something about it and show him how sexy you can be

Most well-adjusted, non-pushover women wouldn't feel the need to adjust their size or prove to the menz "how sexy they can be" (vom).

That's why.

bumblefeline · 25/03/2016 18:48

YANBU I would not want to go either. I am much bigger than you and would be very hurt and angry if my DP said that to me, almost unforgivable.

Don't lose weight for him, do it for yourself.

I want to be thinner and when I decide I'm ready it will be for myself and for no man ever!!

I am sure you look fine Op. Don't let anyone knock your self esteem or confidence.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/03/2016 18:55

So he "said that all the other DW and GF will have been making an effort to lose weight as it's what women do".

So as well as being hurtful, he's thick as pigshit in the neck of a bottle?

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