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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be seriously pissed off at "best friend"

129 replies

peacelily7 · 25/03/2016 10:56

So me and DP are hopefully getting married next year in Cyprus.

So I told my "best friend" / "maid of honour" that guests would be staying for the first week and the second would be classed as our honeymoon.

The whole reasons were getting married abroad in the first place is so we don't have to entertain people we don't really enjoy being with/know 100%.

She dropped the bombshell the other day and my wishes mean nothing to her. Turns out she's gonna be staying the whole 2 weeks in a room close to ours () and she's also invited her parents, sister and partner of about 5 months.

I like her family but not even all our parents will be definitely there.

I don't want her there for the whole 2 week and I don't want her family there!

I mean the planning process is in very early days so nothing is set in stone as of yet but am I being unreasonable to be royally pissed off??

Rant over

OP posts:

SirRodneyEffing · 25/03/2016 11:20

Reverse thread? Yabu either way

emilybrontescorset · 25/03/2016 11:20

Firstly make it clear that there won't be room for her family to attend the actual wedding.

Secondly yabu to tell someone how long they can go on holiday for. Of course it's cheaper to go for one 2 week holiday than 2 separate one week holidays.

Did you really expect your best friend to travel and stay alone? !!!!

Thirdly why would she book a different hotel to you? She would then have to tram about getting to your wedding etc etc.

As an aside we were once invited to a friends wedding in the Maldives. As a family of 5 the cost would have been incredibly high. I told them no we would not be attending as for the cost of that holiday we could go on a family holiday to Florida.

Others felt the same and nobody went.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 25/03/2016 11:21

Can you switch to another hotel after the wedding? Seems to make most sense to me.

I can see it's all awkward for you but it's costing her a lot so this might be a way of being able to come to the wedding and also have a family holiday

curlywurly4 · 25/03/2016 11:22

I would get married in one place and honeymoon in another if you don't want to run into people. It's the only solution really. You certainly can't tell people how long they can stay for.

I really get why you wouldn't want you friend staying next door but to be fair, most weddings I've been to like this, the bride and groom have wanted to hangout with the guests. It's kind of been the point.

ClashCityRocker · 25/03/2016 11:22

I thought you said it hadn't been booked and now she's in the room next door?!

bibbitybobbityyhat · 25/03/2016 11:22

Gosh you sound like a charmer op! I'm surprised you've got a friend at all.

YouSay · 25/03/2016 11:23

And don't mention it on the invites. You can not tell people how long they can stay in the country. Surely you know that unless you are paying for everyone's flights and accommodation.

Floggingmolly · 25/03/2016 11:24

How did that conversation go? Best friend: I'm in Room 24, isn't that lucky, we're right next door...
Bullshit.

Original poster

peacelily7 · 25/03/2016 11:24

Thank you for all the responses by the way, really wasn't expecting all these responses

OP posts:

Keeptrudging · 25/03/2016 11:24

Wedding invites generally only have the date/location on them. Where, and how long, guests stay for is entirely up to them. The only bit you get to control is the wedding itself.

ClashCityRocker · 25/03/2016 11:25

And if she is (not that you'd know 'in the early stages of planning with nothing set in stone') ask the hotel in advance to move either you or her!

Fedup21 · 25/03/2016 11:25

Her parents haven't been invited to the wedding, so they can't come-can they?! If you know for definite 'yea she has told her family they're coming'... Do you mean to the wedding? If so- why didn't you say, oops, sorry- numbers are v limited, they won't be invited to the wedding.

People seem to get themselves in real picked on MN that I don't find happen amongst people I know in 'real life'. Nothing to do with the op, but people eg moaning that a 'mum at school is expecting me to have their 4 kids free after school every day until 6pm and is complaining I feed them chips every day' (made up post) but when asked, omg- what did you say to her, the answer is 'I didn't say anything but I will speak to her'.

When people assume things incorrectly- tell them quickly that's not right and its it happening! If not immediately-as you're gobsmacked, then v soon after!

You ABVU to think you can tell your guests when they can arrive/leave on an expensive holiday.

TheCrumpettyTree · 25/03/2016 11:34

Her family can't come to the wedding if you don't invite them.

They can come on holiday however.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/03/2016 11:34

Jeez, how many ways am I being unreasonable, let me count the ways ...

"The whole reasons were getting married abroad in the first place is so we don't have to entertain people we don't really enjoy being with/know 100%."
I hope there's a huge backstory to go with that pronouncement, but I fear not. If you genuinely wanted to not have to invite certain people that traditionally would be invited, the traditional way to do so is to ELOPE. Not, as you are doing, to insist that the ten guests you can stand being with shell out a serious amount of money AND use up their precious annual leave to go to a destination they may not have chosen to visit EVER.

"I don't want her there for the whole 2 week and I don't want her family there! "
Tough. It's not your call. You want to use her annual leave to attend your wedding; she's fond enough of you to let you do that, but, you know what - it's still HER annual leave. The only annual leave she has. She's entitled to use it for a holiday, and the only way she can see to do that is to combine both events. Her holiday, unsurprisingly, includes her partner. And her family, because that's the way they do it. Suck it up. You are not in charge of Cyprus, you have no say in who goes there, when and for how long.

"I suppose I could just hide away"
What are you, six? It would be far better if you could instead just get a grip.

"I mean the planning process is in very early days so nothing is set in stone as of yet"
So no definite date, no hotels booked, no deposits to lose? Fine. What's your problem?

YABVU. You are trying to spend her money on what you want to have. She is trying to find a workable compromise, because you know what, it's her life. She was not brought into this world to dance attendance on you and your wedding.

PunkAssMoFo · 25/03/2016 11:43

If you're going to expect people to spend their money & annual leave on your wedding abroad then you can't blame them for making the most of it. They are going to a lot of trouble to be there & it's much cheaper for them to stay on there. If you want privacy, perhaps you should look for alternative accommodation for the 2nd week.

ZenNudist · 25/03/2016 11:45

Right I'm with everyone else that yabab (you are being a bridezilla) about not letting your friend stay two weeks and she can come on holiday with who she wants.

The whole family don't have to come to the wedding. So just tell her it will be a small do and you're trying to keep numbers reasonably equal on both sides (b&g). Ywnbu to say this.

Also I'd recommend moving on from the hotel after the wedding week. Plus the poster upthread who said about getting married in the second week then you get a week to enjoy yourselves alone is right. But I appreciate you might want to do the 'wedding moon' bit afterwards.

If you're getting married in a big resort consider changing the wedding venue. There's loads and they're all lovely. Have you actually got it all booked?

I highly recommend planet-holidays for Cyprus weddings. Their wedding planning service is excellent (& complimentary) plus they will sort everything out for you when you get there. Flowers, favours, photos, hair, dj, band, just whatever you want. Also they do a 'one wedding a day' type hotel rather than a procession of brides iykwim?

Before the wedding you are going to be quite busy organising things with your planner, the hotel, possibly get a couple spa treatment as part of the package, plus you've got to sort the wedding admin which will involve going to two places I think.

We hired a lovely villa after a week in a hotel and we went north to polis/latchi after getting married in the south. I could definitely recommend a couple of amazing hotels but it depends on your budget.

Don't get into a falling out with friend about it. Just be glad shes willing to travel for it.

I think you need to be realistic that you are going to be spending more time with friends and family in a holiday setting if you get married abroad than you would have if you get married in the uk. I really think it's up to you to move locations away from the wedding party if you want privacy after the wedding.

Come on details. Whereabouts are you thinking of going?

ZenNudist · 25/03/2016 11:46

Ps I invited people on the basis that it was our wedding but their holiday. I was clear we got one day and the rest of the time was their own.

littleleftie · 25/03/2016 11:52

Has she actually booked it?

I would book a different hotel (just say the bridal suite wasn't available or you got a great offer on different hotel) Cyprus isn't exactly short of great hotels.

Then make it clear that only people issued with actual invitations are to come to the wedding.

Sorted.

Belikethatthen · 25/03/2016 11:52

Are you sure she has actually booked? You say in your op you are 'hopefully' getting married, 'it's not set in stone' and you haven't even invited anyone yet .

littleleftie · 25/03/2016 11:54

Hold on a minute - how has she "booked a room close to ours" if you haven't actually booked it yet?

Floggingmolly · 25/03/2016 11:57

But that can't be right, Belike, can it? Op and best friend have already booked adjoining rooms

Witchend · 25/03/2016 11:58

Could be worse. Bil booked the same hotel as the wedding couple were staying in for the first night. (not the same hotel they had the reception in, but yes he did know) and then joined them at their table for breakfast. Apparently he had to ask the waiter to bring an extra chair and they weren't very talkative. Rather worryingly he was so proud of himself for doing this and couldn't see anything wrong.

WeAllHaveWings · 25/03/2016 11:58

You really cant expect your MOH to come alone for a whole week, for that alone your are being very unreasonable.

You are inviting her to your wedding which is one day. How she spends the rest of her time, who with, and if they decide to extend their holiday is not for you to dictate.

Realistically you cant stop anyone watching your wedding if it is in a public setting (i.e. beach), but you don't need to invite them to meal etc.

If you want complete privacy after your wedding look into a two centre type deal and don't tell anyone where you will be honeymooning.

BabyGanoush · 25/03/2016 12:03

how can she have booked a room next to yours if you haven't booked yours yet?
is part of this problem hypothetical?

Osolea · 25/03/2016 12:05

You don't need to do anything. If you don't want to invite your MOHs family to the wedding then you don't have to, although out of courtesy you should give her a plus one anyway.

It's perfectly reasonable for someone to make a whole holiday out of it if they're going to a destination wedding, you have no control or say on that. Your guests are your guests on the day of the wedding, as that's the only day you are hosting and paying for. What they do around that isn't really anything to do with you, they aren't your guests on those days.

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