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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really annoyed with DP?

46 replies

PricklyHodgeheg · 25/03/2016 09:48

DP works long hours and has a long commute, and I'm a sahm with our 2 DC. DH is understandably tired so I let him stay in bed at the weekend to catch up on some sleep whilst I get up with the DC, which I'm totally fine with.

I keep the house clean and as tidy as I can with 2 DC. The house is by no means messy.

Recently DP has been stroppy when he gets up if I haven't cleaned/tidied the house to his liking (put the dishwasher on, wiped the toast crumbs from the work tops straight after breakfast etc), then stomps around the house muttering and doing all the jobs he thinks I should have done whilst he was sleeping. He said it's depressing to come down to and if he doesn't do it then 'it well never get done', which isn't true.

This morning when he was eating breakfast I asked him to watch the kids whilst I had a shower (I hadn't had one since Tuesday ). He responded with a grudging 'I guess so.... I'll just stay down here and clean up then'. There were just a few of the kids breakfast things left out on the side in the kitchen.

I told him he was being unreasonable and we had a big argument in front of the kids

Why shouldn't I take it easy on a Saturday morning? It's my weekend too!

OP posts:

Vixxfacee · 25/03/2016 09:49

Yanbu

Annarose2014 · 25/03/2016 09:51

So he literally thinks he shouldn't have to raise a finger in his own house?

Right, well that's you told!

cansu · 25/03/2016 09:52

Time to stop being so accommodating I think. He has got used to you doing things the way he wants. He now feels he can tell you off if something isn't done to his satisfaction. Sounds like he is treating you like staff. Maybe start leaving dishes out regularly and telling him that he is welcome to do as much cleaning as he likes. Take a shower every day as soon as he gets up expecting him to take care of his children.

Seeyounearertime · 25/03/2016 09:52

you know it's friday right?

Also, YANBU.

I would like to know what hours he does do though? how long has he been doing them?

There is some people who do long hours, for a long time and they get totally run down and depressed. He may be thinking that the balance is unfair right now, you stay at home and "have it easy" whilst he's going through hell to pay for you to do it.

That doesn't excuse his behaviour, arguing in front of the kids is a massive no no for a start. It warrants a proper discussion and an understanding from both parties on an equal division of labour and leisure time.

miraclebabyplease · 25/03/2016 09:52

Yanbu.

P.s. It is Friday!

Original poster

PricklyHodgeheg · 25/03/2016 10:12

Lol, it feels like Saturday because it's bank holiday

He accused me of over reacting when I stood up to him this morning and said that I was being defensive.

He gets up about 5am and returns between 6-8pm in the evening. Sometimes later if he goes out drinking in the evening.

He is fine with me being a sahm because I wouldn't earn enough to cover child care if I worked and then there would be no one around to do house work etc.

I'm fine with doing the majority of the housework etc, I see it as my 'job'and I generally don't just leave stuff for him to do. He just assumes that because I haven't done something immediately then I have left it for him to do. This translates to 'do it when I expect you to do it or I'll throw a strop'

I understand his hours are really long but he doesn't see that I need time to relax too.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 25/03/2016 10:14

Whatever the rights and wrongs of shared (or not) housework, the childcare when both parents are present should be shared and you shouldn't have to beg for a shower.

And even if you do all the housework, you are not a servant. So you do it your way and not his. If he doesn't like it, then he can feel free to do it his way.

Seeyounearertime · 25/03/2016 10:15

then you need a conversation.
Lay out a few ground rules you're both happy with.

if hes out drinking a couple evenings, you should get a couple evenings out.
he certainly shouldn't expect to work and do nothing else at home.

(He also shouldn't be stroppy and stupid if he deems your work unsatisfactory, he's not your boss and you shouldn't consider him as such.)

Nanny0gg · 25/03/2016 10:16

He gets up about 5am and returns between 6-8pm in the evening. Sometimes later if he goes out drinking in the evening.

So some of his long days are his choice.

Bet he doesn't 'babysit' so you can go out.

Original poster

PricklyHodgeheg · 25/03/2016 10:17

He also expects to get up and have his breakfast uninterrupted in front of the tv. I eat with the kids and get up every two minutes for more juice, to clear up spilled drinks, more cereal etc.... I want him to take more responsibility for the kids on his days off.

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 25/03/2016 10:18

He moaned because you needed a shower? That's not normal, nice or indicative of a respectful relationship.

Good luck with him you are going to need it!

If I was you I would get dressed and disappear for ten hours, come back and start throwing your weight around see how he likes it

QuiteLikely5 · 25/03/2016 10:20

Responsibility? Pah you are joking aren't you!

He does not know the meaning of the word, he clearly thinks you run the whole show while he turns up for work every day

shoofly · 25/03/2016 10:20

Woah! He's fine with you being a sahm because you wouldn't earn enough to cover child care and there would be no one around to do housework?

Seriously? Read that back to yourself? Have you considered that he is able to be out of the house for so long (including drinking after work) is because you are doing the rest. When are you relaxing/drinking after work?

Seeyounearertime · 25/03/2016 10:21

Is he from the 1950s by any chance? does he refer to you as "his little woman"?

the more i read and reread it sounds like he wants a new mommy and not a partner.

Tomorrow morning, just nip out and get some milk. come back monday afternoon.

TendonQueen · 25/03/2016 10:22

His hours aren't longer than yours, since you are literally working 7 days a week the whole time you're awake.

Tell him that of course you're being defensive, because you're being attacked. And that yes, he's welcome to do more if he wants it done differently. If your 'job' is the house, you get to decide how you deal with it. He's not your line manager!

Missushb · 25/03/2016 10:23

He must be knackered working those kind of days. Tiredness make most people grumpy, and he's probably stressed too hence why getting annoyed over a few crumbs. My husband is the same after busy weeks at work, being in late and away early etc. I get bloody annoyed when he nit picks at housework stuff. I think it's to let off some steam and I'm the closest so I get it. I've pointed this out to him. I also like to point out that I've made sacrifices too( I work part time now, not much chance of promotion due to that, and obviously less money too) so I think a chat about how each of you are working hard in and out of the home and you both need relaxation.

MrsSteptoe · 25/03/2016 10:23

OP, I am frequently uncomfortable in myself because I leave my DH to do all the shopping and cooking, and an awful lot of the housework.
The reason this pattern has evolved is because, as a PP wrote upthread, I have been working not so much long hours as antisocial hours for 20 plus years - and yes, I'm now chronically depleted and fairly depressed from going to bed at 3am three times a week and 5am once a week.
Leaving aside the unhealthiness of the rut I've got myself into, and my obstinacy in simply ignoring the fact that my DH is eternally hopeful that I'll pick up my kitchen utensils or rubber gloves again, there is no way on God's earth I would dream of criticising DH for not doing things to my standard. The most I ever do is point out, every Saturday, that I like neither chicken soup nor tomato and red lentil soup and for the love of God, would you please stop buying it for me.
In the context of this post, your DH sounds completely unreasonable.

Buzzardbird · 25/03/2016 10:28

You obviously need to sit down and talk to him. Set out some free time for both of you and make it fair. Think maybe he has just used to the status quo.

Pinkheart5915 · 25/03/2016 10:32

when he is off work he should take shared responsibility for the children. He shouldn't mind watching them while you take a shower ( make sure you take a long one ) why can't they have breakfast with daddy? They have hardly seen him all week and you've not had a breakfast alone all week.
I also think when he is off work he should do housework as well as you, having children is about working as the same team.

He's fine with me being a sahm because i wouldn't earn enough to cover child care and there would be no one around to do housework? so you are just there to look after the children and clean. He is a cheeky sod!

Peanuts2000 · 25/03/2016 10:34

YANBU at all. I think you need to take yourself out for the day and let DP have the kids to let him see how hard it is. Does he ever watch the kids on his own, I bet he doesn't. I have worked part time since the kids were born, out sometimes for nearly 14 hours a day two days a week so DH would watch the kids those days, he knows how hard it is. We both work shifts. He sounds like one of those folk that says to the mother " what have you been doing all day" ! Let him see how hard it is looking after kids all day! Or get a job and work on his weekends off!

SanityClause · 25/03/2016 10:46

It's amazing how "women's work" like childcare and cleaning is so devalued by him until the point where he would actually have to pay for it, and then it is too expensive.

nonicknameseemsavailable · 25/03/2016 10:53

I think a 10hr spa day is required...

nocoffeenouppee · 25/03/2016 10:57

sanityclaus what an eloquent way of putting it.

nocoffeenouppee · 25/03/2016 10:57

YANBU btw. In case it's not already clear

Charlieandlola · 25/03/2016 11:01

Why haven't you had a shower since Tuesday ?
Do you only wash at the weekend ?

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