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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really annoyed with DP?

46 replies

PricklyHodgeheg · 25/03/2016 09:48

DP works long hours and has a long commute, and I'm a sahm with our 2 DC. DH is understandably tired so I let him stay in bed at the weekend to catch up on some sleep whilst I get up with the DC, which I'm totally fine with.

I keep the house clean and as tidy as I can with 2 DC. The house is by no means messy.

Recently DP has been stroppy when he gets up if I haven't cleaned/tidied the house to his liking (put the dishwasher on, wiped the toast crumbs from the work tops straight after breakfast etc), then stomps around the house muttering and doing all the jobs he thinks I should have done whilst he was sleeping. He said it's depressing to come down to and if he doesn't do it then 'it well never get done', which isn't true.

This morning when he was eating breakfast I asked him to watch the kids whilst I had a shower (I hadn't had one since Tuesday ). He responded with a grudging 'I guess so.... I'll just stay down here and clean up then'. There were just a few of the kids breakfast things left out on the side in the kitchen.

I told him he was being unreasonable and we had a big argument in front of the kids

Why shouldn't I take it easy on a Saturday morning? It's my weekend too!

OP posts:

ClashCityRocker · 25/03/2016 11:01

I'm shocked you have to ask him to watch the kids whilst you have a shower!

Working full time is not a get-out-of-jail-free card for not doing any housework or taking on childcare responsibilities.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 25/03/2016 11:03

Love it when people think staying at home with kids is not proper work!!
I have a stressful/responsible job and still think it's a walk in the park comparing when I'm home with DCs

Are you the one waking up at night as well?
Maybe you should stop accepting his terms!

ouryve · 25/03/2016 11:08

It feels like Saturday until a Sunday bus goes past!

I notice those long hours involve some time at the pub. Does he work in the 1970s?

And do you get your equivalent to some time in the pub, or are you always on duty?

clam · 25/03/2016 11:10

He responded with a grudging 'I guess so.... I'll just stay down here and clean up then'.

I'd have responded with "Excellent idea. Give the floor a sweep while you're at it, would you? And I'd love a cup of coffee when you get a moment. See you later."

clam · 25/03/2016 11:13

Maybe you should ask him (when he's finished cleaning the kitchen properly) why, if caring for his own kids once in a blue moon when you beg is such a chore for him, why does he think it's OK for you to do it 7 days a week with no respite?

And if he lived alone (i.e. without you as his housekeeper), who does he think would have to clear crumbs up and load the dishwasher? These are basic life-chores, which can be done by either sex!

pudcat · 25/03/2016 11:15

Does he have a hidden agenda? Such as having met someone else while out drinking? You need to ask him why he is being like this and ask him to come home earlier and not go drinking.

Spock27 · 25/03/2016 11:16

I take it he's off today. When is your day off? Have you had one since you became a SAHM? When is your time in the evening to yourself? He clearly has time to go out and drink, do you ever get time to do something without the DC?

He's still a parent, regardless of the hours that he works. You don't work because you've decided together that it's best for you both. But if you were working, would you get home at 5pm and then have full responsibility of the childcare from then on? Or would it be shared equally? There should be equality in the evenings and weekends as to whether you work during the day or do childcare/housework.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 25/03/2016 11:35

Firstly I hope the row in front of the children was a one-off, it's not fair on them.

He could set the children a good example by joining in with domestic stuff or else you get stuck in the role of maid and waitress.

I am sure you didn't plan on marrying Mr Grumpy. However senior he is at work he shouldn't treat you like an underling. You each have a different kind of tired, the problem is your work pattern stretches over seven days not five.

RoboticSealpup · 25/03/2016 11:35

He works long hours. Therefore you have to work every hour, every day.

That's fair, you see, because you're a woman and what you do is inherently less valuable, which means you have to do much, much more of it!

Also, your partner is a sexist arsehole.

SpringHasNearlySprung · 25/03/2016 11:44

I was a SAHM for a number of years when our kids were small. DH worked really long hours. I remember he got up after a particularly long few days and moaned as I hadn't cleared away lunch dishes. I was knackered after being up half the night with our twins. I will never forget the look of panic on his face as I put my shoes and coat on, lifted my handbag and walked out the back door. I went to my sisters that night and had the best sleep ever. He never moaned again after being left with 4 kids under age 5 for less than 24 hours and pulled his weight when he came home. Give your DH a foot up the arse as he damn we'll needs it.

Peanuts2000 · 25/03/2016 11:57

He is accusing you of overreacting because you stood up to him to make you feel guilty so you will back down. Sounds like he has been getting his own way for too long. Was thinking it sounds like my parents in the 1970s when my dad worked and went to the pub on the way home, giving my mum some housekeeping money at the end of the week, she was stuck in a flat with three kids and no car. He refused to do any child care or housework.I'm sure your situation is not as bad but you need to put your foot down now or it will only get worse. It suits him you being a SAHM so he can do less housework and child care, he thinks that's your "job".

clam · 25/03/2016 12:05

If you're a SAHM, then it's fair enough that you take care of the home front when he's at work. But at weekends, the lines should be re-drawn, as long as you're not deliberately leaving chores from the week to be done then, which I'm sure you're not. Meals still need to be cooked, kids taken care of, stuff tidied away. He lives in the house too; he should do his share then.

Topseyt · 25/03/2016 15:06

Don't "ask" him if he would mind the children while you shower. TELL him he is doing it and then engage no further unless you find he needs the simple reminder of "believe it or not, they are your children too" to be dropped on him from a very great height.

As for the attempt to guilt trip you over leaving him some clearing up to do, I am another who would have said what a great idea that was and that a cuppa would also be nice. Leave him with his jaw dropped onto the floor and simply go and take a very long shower.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/03/2016 15:33

I do pay people to do that sort of thing for me, if I spoke to them like that I would expect them to quit same as if I did not facilitate breaks for them

TurtleEclipseofTheHeart · 25/03/2016 16:31

Yanbu at all. I would be furious. Some people think being a SAHM is all lie-ins, gossipy lunches in cafes with other mums followed by shopping trips and that the "working DP" is busting a gut to finance a life of leisure for the lucky lady. That must be true in some case of course, but I would imagine a lot of SAHMs do it because it is more financially viable for their family to have one parent at home.

Personally, DP appreciates me staying at home. He knows what that actually entails, and values that contribution to our family. We try to share responsibilities equally when he's at home. If he started acting like my employer instead of my partner as your DH sadly seems to be, I would be job-hunting quicker than you could say "childminder." I know it seems petty, but I would love for you to get a full-time paid job and then rightfully demand that he splits all childcare and household responsibilities equally. Plus make him take some days off to look after poorly children, have breakfast with them whilst you have a lie-in every Sunday, and for you to come back later a few nights a week because you've gone for drinks.

Original poster

PricklyHodgeheg · 25/03/2016 21:03

Hi, thank you for your replies. You made me laugh as well as making me realise how out of order this behaviour is.

He took the his current job just as DC2 arrived so I got no help at night at all after his paternity leave finished and I do all night duties with the kids even at the weekend.

You are right, he has it too easy at home. I need to make an effort to get him to do more as he has become lazy. He will sit and play with his phone until I ask for his help.

Im going on a girls weekend soon so he will find out how hard I work then. I do get evenings out and to be fair he will make an effort to be home if I have plans.

We very rarely argue in front of the kids, I just knew that if I didn't say anything then, the moment would be lost. Not ideal I know.

We have had a chat and he's been behaving much better today. I just need to keep it in check. Love the idea of packing my bag and leaving for the night next time but wouldn't want to upset the DC.

OP posts:

Peanuts2000 · 25/03/2016 22:15

Well done on having a chat. No partnership/marriage is perfect but I suppose a lot of it is about mutual respect.

Fratelli · 25/03/2016 22:31

Dp and I both work, him 3x14 hour days, me 3x7 hour days. On our one day off together we take it in turns to have a lay in. We work around each other so we don't have to pay for childcare. I do more round the house because he works more but if something doesn't get done he wouldn't mention it.

We used to have a bit more of a similar dynamic to you until I told him I had the right to be treated as an equal. We share responsibility for our house and our ds. He realised I was serious when he moaned about a crease in his t shirt I had ironed. To this day I haven't ironed a thing of his!

You need a serious chat with him and make it clear you are not his employee but he is welcome to hire a cleaner, nanny and cook.

lanbro · 26/03/2016 08:54

My dh developed a lot more respect for the SAH role when we swapped for 6 months! I went out to work 4 days a week and he stayed home. He's now back to working 6 days a week and I do 2 but the split of housework /childcare is much more even. Regardless of what needs doing I hang up my 'work' persona as soon as the kids are in bed and no housework is done in the evening. If he ever moans about anything I just walk away and do even less!

SAH is relentless when the dc are young. Until you do it no one can understand so I definitely agree with leaving him to it for at least 7-7 and see how he gets on, not forgetting to mention the jobs not done on your return!

lanbro · 26/03/2016 08:55

Also I make sure that twice a week I'm not around at bedtime, exercise class one night and massage the other to ensure I get a break

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/03/2016 19:09

I am glad you raised this with your H and he has listened to you. Don't be shy about interrupting him on the phone when he's not actually on a call, (though I know it's too easy to get absorbed in MN).
Almost missed the bit about the sleep duties which should ease up for you at least one night over a normal weekend, two on a Bank Holiday!

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