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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel DD birthday party?

336 replies

TheresHopeYet · 23/03/2016 07:15

DD is turning 4 and we have a party booked for her in two weeks time .

I handed out invites directly to parents 3 weeks ago with an RSVP date of TODAY!

I have not had a single RSVP. Not one . Angry

It's school holidays here and I do not know the parents well enough to chase them up or have phone numbers etc .

The balance of the party is due today ; it's £140. I have already paid a £20 deposit which I will lose .

If I cancel after paying the balance I will lose the lot .

Would you cancel? I could use the money to take DD away for the weekend instead.

I am worried though that a load of people will turn up at the party and we won't be there Blush

I need to decide today ! Help!

OP posts:
MissDuke · 23/03/2016 14:00

I would be sure most will actually turn up and probably only glanced at the invite so didn't see RSVP date. Not justifying this, just offering a potential explanation. However giving the cost, I would still cancel and hand out a note on the first day back to explain why. There are much cheaper way to do parties, don't waste so much money on this rude lot again, it sounds like a very unfriendly school. I cannot comprehend not knowing any names of parents at all of my children's classmates, I find that completely bizarre and sad. I would definitely be wondering if the school is suitable for dd.

Alicadabra · 23/03/2016 14:01

As cardibach says, I'd cancel and plan a low cost alternative which can be flexible on numbers. Then get to the playground on one of the school days and instead of telling people it's cancelled, ask them if they're coming as you "need to make sure everyone knows about the change of venue" (if they ask why it's changed because "little x will be so disappointed that they're not going to venue y after all", don't hold back from telling them that too!)

Serenitymummy · 23/03/2016 14:18

I'd cancel. 4 year olds won't hold a grudge against OP's DD if they get taken to a venue and the party's not on. I'd be so angry at this point and would definitely not run the risk of setting the whole place up, DD getting all excited and then nobody arriving! If DD knows about it you can just tell her that you can't get the hall any more (or something else superficial) but make a massive fuss of the wonderful thing you're going to do instead.

PuppyMonkey · 23/03/2016 14:23

redhat, the party is in two weeks time - which is presumably not the school holidays any more, because op says they ARE on school hols now.

I think I'd cancel and if you get any parent RSVP-ing you after today, just text back that you had to cancel because they didn't get back on time and the venue needed an answer. In a nice passive aggressive way. Wink

Wheresmybippers · 23/03/2016 14:34

I'd cancel too, waaay too much money to lose and your DD might be quite upset if it gets closer and nobody shows. With only having 2 days back at school to chase people up they're likely to have other plans by then. It's so sad :(
If you do cancel just hand out notes on the first day back at school to explain that you couldn't hold the booking with no rsvps.

MySordidCakeSecret · 23/03/2016 14:36

Oh dear op, It's not just your dd trust me, since my son started school i've been shocked by the poor attitude to rsping! We recently had a party and people left it until the last minute to say they were coming, and then still a couple turned up without having let me know for party ags or anything! If it was me, i'd cancel to be honest, unless she has other freinds/kids in the family that will come along?

nennyrainbow · 23/03/2016 14:37

I would cancel. In my experience, those who don't reply usually don't turn up. You've got far more to lose both financially and psychologically for your daughter if you don't cancel and then no one turns up.
When you go back next term, maybe ask the nursery teacher to slip a note in bookbags saying it's been cancelled. You don't even have to give a reason why.

RoastieToastieReastie · 23/03/2016 14:43

If it was me I'd go up to them and ask them at pick up today. It'll give you an excuse to talk to them if you don't usually. Hopefully you will then get a few numbers and know whether to cancel or not. I hope it works out for you,mint mist be really frustrating. They probably have just forgotten to reply though with everything going on (not that that's an acceptable excuse, but a reminder is never a bad thing). I had to send out about four email reminders to some parents for dds party and still never heard back from one parent (whose child didn't turn up). It's a shame y ou don't get the parent contact details as that would make it so much easier.

Foxedme · 23/03/2016 14:44

Email or ring school. Even if you've broken up for hols the teachers etc are probably there on an INSET day. Plead with them to send out a text. I'm sure if they know the full story they will.
You need to have this party so you can meet these parents properly - it will be good for you and your little one.
I do feel for you x

MrsHathaway · 23/03/2016 14:47

I think the person who suggested having it at the house instead had a genius idea. That way you can cancel today and get your money back, plus then approach the non-repliers (or anyone who does text after the event) with the news it's now round at your house.

I think that's an ideal solution. You could go with something like "we didn't have enough for the minimum numbers by the time I had to finalise with the venue, so we thought it might be nicer to have a party at home instead" so that you're citing the non-responders as the cause but without blaming them.

We aren't on school holidays yet, but the rsvp date we've put on the invitations is the last day of term. It doesn't actually matter except for party bags as the venue works out the numbers and charges on the day, but I find that having to rsvp forces you to write it on the damn calendar. The party itself is in our holidays so there won't be an opportunity the day before to yodel call musically across the playground "so looking forward to seeing you all at Tarquin's party".

mammamic · 23/03/2016 14:47

I would probably cancel

I wouldn't, however, play the blame card. Your DD have 6 years at this school. I'd give a believable reason or simply let the same parents know that the party is cancelled due to change of plans.

I'd do whatever I can to let ppl know before the party. The last thing you want is upsetting loads of your DD's peers by turning up to a cancelled event.

You DD probably knows at least a couple of the kids' full names. Google them - you never know!

And this is probably an albeit painful lesson in planning. Get ppl's names and numbers/email. Join the PTA - I'm a single working mum and it was the only way to get to know others at the school.

At 4, your daughter is probably too young to be overly upset by cancelling- blame the venue. Maybe do a small birthday tea with 3 of her friends.

Good luck

iMogster · 23/03/2016 14:47

Cancel party and take DD out and have a special day. You do not want DD to be looking forward to party and no one turns up, very upsetting.

Do tell parents "due to unforeseen circumstances party has been cancelled". Don't say it's because no one RSVP as you don't want to alienate yourself from parents in the future.

GrumpyMummy123 · 23/03/2016 14:48

Oh that's really mean of the other parents! Are you definite the contact details on the invite were correct? Is it usual for that group of parents to RSVP? Has DD been invited to any parties for any of the kids you've invited - have you still got invites with contact details for those parents? If you can contact one you might be able to contact more!
Sorry my DS isn't at school yet so not sure of the etiquette. It sounds really odd that not one person has RSVP'ed at all - not even to say sorry no.

What has your DD said about it? Has she said anything about any of her friends going? Does she really know much about it?

I'd be really careful about what you say to DD. You really don't want her to think that no-one wanted to come to her birthday party.

If she's not really aware of it, you are sure the parents know about it and do have the right contact details for you and DD isn't going to be upset then I'd cancel it. - Like others have said send in notes straight after Easter to say sorry 'due to unforeseen circumstances' it's cancelled (keep it friendly as you don't want to create any hard feelings) so they don't just turn up.

However, if DD is really excited by it then perhaps take the risk. Could you contact the party venue and beg and plead for another day or two to pay the balance? Send notes in to school this afternoon when you do pick up this afternoon or in the morning?!

MrsHathaway · 23/03/2016 14:48

If I had a text from school about a classmate's birthday party I would consider it a breach of the DPA.

Obliviated · 23/03/2016 14:52

I'm supposed to Rsvp for a birthday party today that's being held during the holidays. I can't find the invite anywhere though! I think Ds spilt juice on it. I have no idea which parent it is either. My plan is to stand by the door and ask each parent as they grab their child whether it's them. Im getting there early so I don't miss anyone. If nothing else it means I've at least introduced myself to everyone Blush

HBogar213 · 23/03/2016 14:53

i would cancel. Always contact the person 2 days after i get the invite. it doesn't take long to txt or phone call. so cancel.
They has the invite for 2 weeks and no contact, let it go. do something with your daughter! sorry this has happen to you
i have son with autism, the main reason why he has never had birthday party. i have no clue who would come.

Tatiana11235 · 23/03/2016 14:54

I'd cancel. Poor kid will be so upset if nobody turns up. And if you cancel and they do turn up then tough titty. You're not a bloody mind reader.
You said one child's parents replied. Take your little girl and that one friend somewhere really nice and have a great day.
Don't worry about consequences for your daughter either. At that age they don't hold grudges. The parents might be pissed off if they come to a party that's been cancelled but the kids won't be pissed off with your girl, will they?
Hope your DD has a great day whatever you decide!

warmfuzzyfeeling · 23/03/2016 14:55

In a way it makes it easier that there's not one reply. Just cancel it. If there had been a couple of replies it would've been a bit more complicated! It's not fair on your daughter, but it's the other parents - not you.

This is the whole point of RSVP... To avoid this kind of agonising!

warmfuzzyfeeling · 23/03/2016 14:56

Oh sorry. I hadn't read the whole thread. Tatiana above has nailed it I think.

germanefficiency · 23/03/2016 14:59

I feel for you OP. Have had similar experiences, as have many people I know.
Sadly, as others have said, manners are quite lacking at times, even though they wouldn't cost much to have!
Definitely cancel, I would,
If they show up at all, then tough. They may rsvp to confirm, last minute, in which case you can say you had to cancel because nobody got back to you in time, sadly and you couldn't risk losing deposit.
You won't offend anyone who is really worth it! Plus, it's how you explain, which also counts here.
Nobody reasonable can expect you to hang on and book something expensive, without giving you some warning.
For the record, I really don't think your DD will mind what she does and many parents don't have big parties at that age, necessarily. I understand why you wanted to make the effort for her, but just put this down to experience and forget it. I'm sure whatever you do with her, she'll have a lovely day. Far worse to hype a party up and then nobody comes..

stressedmum82 · 23/03/2016 14:59

If it were me I would cancel the party. I wouldn't worry about people just turning up - if they were rude enough to do that without sending an rsvp then it's their problem! In all the years I have thrown partied for my kids there are always some rude people who can't be bothered to take 30 seconds to send a text to let you know either way and it really annoys me!

Chiggers · 23/03/2016 15:00

I'd cancel and go somewhere fun like a farm or something. I make point of writing on the back of any invitation that non-RSVPers will not have a place booked for their invitee DC. This seems to get the lazy parents up off their arses and reply to let me know if their DC is going.

Lovewatchingrainfall · 23/03/2016 15:02

I would cancel it. I have been there only last week. Booked a party for my daughter gave 3 weeks noticed. party was only last weekend and only 3 people turnt up out of 30 invited. I would cancel and treat your DD to a nice weekend.

KERALA1 · 23/03/2016 15:05

You don't need guests for a party! We had one on holiday for our DDs when they were 4 and 6 - guests were them, DH and I. We did games, really focussed on them, had a party tea, looked forward to it etc. Holiday was in an exotic location but when looking at their "what we did on our holidays" writing in September both only talked about the "party"!

yomellamoHelly · 23/03/2016 15:05

With that amount of money at stake I'd cancel and plan something else. Your poor dd.