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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brother not coming to my wedding

100 replies

seoulsurvivor · 21/03/2016 00:26

Prepared to be told AIBU.

My brother and I have never been close, although I try to get along with him for my mum's sake.

I'm getting married this summer. My husband to be is Korean and we are getting married in Korea.

I totally accept that many friends/relatives won't be able to come. It is a long and expensive flight. But I did expect my immediate family to be there.

My brother, however, is refusing to come due to cost. I have offered to pay, my mum has offered to pay but he says he won't take money from others (he has been happy enough to take money from me and my parents at other times, but I guess that's irrelevant to this thread.)

Personally, I don't care if he's there, but I know my mum will feel very hurt as she is quite sad that our relationship is not good. I also think that my in laws will be really confused as Korean culture is very family oriented and a brother not going to his sister's wedding would be very strange.

I think he should just suck up his pride for my mum's sake and come.

AIBU?

OP posts:

ShanghaiDiva · 21/03/2016 00:39

I think you are being reasonable - it's an expensive flight and both you and your mum have offered to help with the cost. I think he is being churlish and shows little consideration for your parents' feelings. I agree that your Korean in-laws will find his behaviour rude and strange and this could be embarrassing for you and your parents, although am sure your husband will try to deflect attention away from his absence.

LifeofI · 21/03/2016 00:45

no i actually think your bro is being unreasonable, if he has a paid ticket and i'm guessing no other commitments whats the big deal? Maybe your mum can convince him but if he doesn't come don't let it worry you its his lose.

ctjoy103 · 21/03/2016 00:48

I think it's up to him if he doesn't want to. You aren't close, don't have a good relationship so maybe he doesn't want to bother with all the obligation of keeping up appearances for other people. Fair for him to do so.

Vintage45 · 21/03/2016 00:49

I disagree. You don't have a great relationship with your brother, you are getting married miles away and you also have to remember that you are the one that is marrying into this culture and not your brother. I do however feel a bit sorry for your mother in the fact that she has two children that don't like each other, that must be painful for her.

MistressDeeCee · 21/03/2016 00:51

I think as he's made it clear he doesn't want to come, you should leave him alone. Its your day, not his. If the run-up to the wedding = cajoling, begging, pleading with him to come then thats akin to making the event all about him. Your mum will just have to be sad about that aspect. Its not her day either, after all. The in laws will just have to think whatever they think. Im not saying this to be harsh as I know it can be hurtful as its family but, I know I couldn't find it in me to put so much energy into a person who's made clear he isnt particularly interested, and worry myself about what other people will think, too. You are the bride to be its your special event, family shouldnt even be bothering your head about all this to be honest. Just leave it all, and have yourself a good day. Congratulations and I hope all goes well

RealityCheque · 21/03/2016 00:52

You're not close by your own admission, so how do you know of his commitments? You don't mention his family / work situation at all?

What about his annual leave? Other expenses other than the obvious ones?

YABU for EXPECTING anyone to come to a wedding that you chose to have half way round the world. You can hope. But not expect.

VertigoNun · 21/03/2016 00:54

Enjoy your mum and new family. Your brother is the one to loose out.

VertigoNun · 21/03/2016 00:54

Lose

NoOneIsInterested · 21/03/2016 01:06

I think it's fine for your brother not to come. It's a long way and he not that close to you. If you are worried about appearances with your soon to be in-laws I'm sure you can come up with a good reason.

It's a long flight and some people don't like travelling long distance. He ,igno also be concerned about the costs once he is there. The plane ticket is only part of the cost.

I think it's preferable to not get all het up and 'insulted' by this. Tell you Mum that you don't mind at all and suggest you, your DH, your Mum and your brother get together afterwards for a UK get together. Perhaps you could invite some of your other friend and family who couldn't make it.

I imagine you might feel better if you accept that he doesn't want to come.

Spring2016 · 21/03/2016 01:11

You and your mother need to just remember he doesn't like taking money from others and don't offend him with generosity in future. Unless there is another reason he doesn't want to travel to Korea he is being unreasonable.

SoThatHappened · 21/03/2016 01:11

YABVU

You're not close, you dont care if he comes or not, you only want him there so you dont look bad to your new PILs.

It isnt just the cost of attending. Taxis to and from airports, spending money, time out of his annual leave.

Maybe he doesnt bloody want to go to Korea (north or south btw) wasting his annual to attend the wedding of a sister who doesnt want him there for the sake of in laws he is never going to have anything to do with.

I'd tell my sister to do one.

Spring2016 · 21/03/2016 01:15

Personally, I would not travel all the way to Korea, or any place I had to fly to, for a wedding.

Maryz · 21/03/2016 01:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoThatHappened · 21/03/2016 01:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

seoulsurvivor · 21/03/2016 04:55

Thanks for all the replies.

I guess in the end I just don't really get it. It's not about keeping up appearances for me, but rather not upsetting my mother. I travelled to his wedding (not as far as Korea, but I took time off to be there) and wouldn't have dreamed of not going. To me, family is important, even if we don't really get on. It's not like we hate each other, we just don't have much in common. Increasingly, he is pushing me away and I am not really sure why.

MistressDeeCee not sure where you got cajoling and begging from. I invited him. He said he didn't have money. He told my mum. She said she'd pay, I also offered to pay. There's been no more energy expended than that.

RealityCheque I offered to pay for everything, not just the flight ticket. I know he hasn't booked any holiday because my mum told me, but he was planning on going away. Of course he doesn't have to take time off for me if he doesn't want to, I just feel bad that he doesn't care enough about my mum to do so. He's married, no kids.

SoThatHappened South Korea.

Maryz A small wedding in Korea is never going to happen. They invite the world and his wife, besides which I don't have much family at all, and most of my close friends are going to travel here for the wedding. We are planning a small reception in the UK next year, but honestly, not sure I will even invite my brother after this.

Spring2016 You're right, I think. It really bothers me that he's happy to take money off my mum for a deposit for their house, for several mortgage payments that they couldn't make despite both working full time, but when it comes to doing something to keep my mum happy, he won't do it.

My in-laws are lovely and absolutely won't judge me, but I know they'll feel sad. They were looking forward to welcoming what they see as a new son. Of course it's not my or my brother's culture, and it's my choice to marry into this culture, but it is an attitude that I share.

Sigh. Maybe it's just time to call it quits with him. I'm quite tired of sending presents that aren't acknowledged, emails that are ignored. I have tried my best for the past few years, I don't fight with him these days at all and try to keep things pleasant, but I guess he's made his feelings clear.

Thanks again for the replies.

OP posts:

curren · 21/03/2016 06:32

I think Yabu.

When my dbro got married we were quite close. I wouldn't have gone to Korea for his wedding.

When you get married abroad you have to accept lots of people won't come.

You mum, will just have to get over it. You relationship with your brother isn't a close one. It's not what she wanted, but it's the reality.

I don't get on with my brother at all now. Mum keeps trying to fix it and arrange for use all to meet up. I won't go. I see him when I have to, like once over Christmas.

It makes mum sad, but she doesn't want anyone to confront him over his behaviour. So that's it.

I wouldn't fly to Korea for his wedding now.

I don't think either of you Abu, though.

MamaLazarou · 21/03/2016 06:36

YANBU but neither is your brother. I wouldn't travel halfway across the world for my brother's wedding, even if he offered to pay for it. He is not doing anything wrong by not wanting to go.

TheCrumpettyTree · 21/03/2016 06:43

YABU to expect people to travel half way across the world for your wedding regardless of who they are.

LaContessaDiPlump · 21/03/2016 06:45

I understand why you're upset - to me this is something you'd do for family even if you aren't that close, just because they are part of your family. I'd be hurt too. Having said that you may just need to resign yourself to his decision and not bring it up again. It's sad for your mum but you have made all the right noises so it's not like she can put blame on you for the situation. If she does, then you have a mum problem.

MidniteScribbler · 21/03/2016 06:45

Did you offer to pay just for your brother, or for his wife as well?

greenfolder · 21/03/2016 06:54

You need to accept that you feel differently about family than your brother. For example, my brother fecked off to the States 20 years ago and I have seen him maybe 4 times since. I think he has missed out on seeing his nieces grow up. He clearly doesn't and is happy with his decision.

Getting a long haul flight to the Far East and attending a ceremony in a language you don't understand in a country you have never wished to visit is asking a lot. The fact that you would do it for him is irrelevant.

RubbleBubble00 · 21/03/2016 06:56

my dh and his sister dont get on, no way would we travel that far for her wedding.

ShanghaiDiva · 21/03/2016 06:56

I found your delightful contribution to another thread:

seoulsurvivor Sat 05-Mar-16 05:17:25
Except my partner, everyone annoys me. I spend every conversation getting vaguely annoyed. I wish I was more chill but I'm just not.

Little wonder your brother doesnt want to go.

And your own delightful contribution - So that happened:
I'd tell my sister to do one.

MardyGrave · 21/03/2016 07:23

I think you expect too much of him, he doesn't want to play your keeping up with appearances game, he doesn't want to be some surrogate son for people he's never met halfway across the world. Your idea Of family just sounds like unpleasant obligation and guilt.

Original poster

seoulsurvivor · 21/03/2016 07:28

TheCrumpettyTree I guess 'expect' was the wrong word to use. 'Hope' might be better.

Midnite Yes, I offered to pay for both.

greenfolder the wedding is in English as well as Korean (we have a translator), but I suppose that's not really the main point.

I can accept that he doesn't want to come. I just really wish he would for my mother's sake. She has done a lot for him and he never seems to do anything in return. I know it upsets her, although I do tell her not to do things like give him lots of money or whatever.

And I guess I wish he'd just be honest and say he just can't really be arsed rather than blame money.

OP posts:

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