Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Brother not coming to my wedding

100 replies

seoulsurvivor · 21/03/2016 00:26

Prepared to be told AIBU.

My brother and I have never been close, although I try to get along with him for my mum's sake.

I'm getting married this summer. My husband to be is Korean and we are getting married in Korea.

I totally accept that many friends/relatives won't be able to come. It is a long and expensive flight. But I did expect my immediate family to be there.

My brother, however, is refusing to come due to cost. I have offered to pay, my mum has offered to pay but he says he won't take money from others (he has been happy enough to take money from me and my parents at other times, but I guess that's irrelevant to this thread.)

Personally, I don't care if he's there, but I know my mum will feel very hurt as she is quite sad that our relationship is not good. I also think that my in laws will be really confused as Korean culture is very family oriented and a brother not going to his sister's wedding would be very strange.

I think he should just suck up his pride for my mum's sake and come.

AIBU?

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 21/03/2016 15:41

You've made your offer and he's declined. At this point I'd say it's between him and your mother since it appears she's the one who wants him there. If I were you, I'd just back away now and let your mum and brother keep it between themselves.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/03/2016 16:10

I wouldn't bother going to a wedding miles and miles away where I would only know a handful of people - even if it were a close relative and we got on. Its a lot to ask and he no doubt has many reasons why he doesn't want to go... I recon if the wedding was in their local town he would come, but there are lots of obstacles to going to a wedding miles away from home. Your mom also needs to get a grip and stop using you as a sound board about her disappointment tbh.

RealityCheque · 21/03/2016 16:54

OP, why do you keep saying 'Korea'? As someone else asked above, is it North or South?

As you will appreciate, there is a world of difference between the two.

Abed · 21/03/2016 16:56

I'm guessing it's South as getting into the North can be a ballache.

Kidnapped · 21/03/2016 16:59

OP said South Korea in her 04:55:47 post.

Hissy · 21/03/2016 17:03

Clue is in the op name... #sheesh

I can't believe so many would be snotty about a paid trip to Korea. Spose there are people who aren't at all curious about anything beyond their back steps.

That said, if brother doesn't want to go, so what. Says more about him than anyone else

SanityClause · 21/03/2016 17:03

I wouldn't even think you could post on MN from North Korea.

Incidentally, South Korea is a gorgeous country.

Janecc · 21/03/2016 17:24

Dh and I went to a wedding in El Salvador years ago. It was a great experience but i wouldn't do it now that I'm older and a parent. And I wouldn't have done it then If I had known what the holiday would bring. We couldn't leave the very small hotel grounds alone and each day the bride and groom with the guests staying in her parents home would pick us up 2 hours plus late to take us out for the day (or the afternoon rather because they were so late). It was an organised family package tour - and we were the only friends who went so we just kept our mouths shut. They were very kind but I didn't like seeing the gun on the handbrake in the father of the brides car. That was our main holiday for the next 2 years because of the expense. It took 3 flights to get there. Yes, Korea is a beautiful country. Maybe he doesn't fancy the flying, being subsidised or being on a glorified family only package holiday. From his perspective I'm sure it doesn't sound like much fun. No weed, no freedom.

Shutthatdoor · 21/03/2016 17:28

I can't believe so many would be snotty about a paid trip to Korea. Spose there are people who aren't at all curious about anything beyond their back steps.

I wouldn't go. Nothing to do with being snotty etc.

Justanothermanicfriday · 21/03/2016 17:29

I can't believe so many would be snotty about a paid trip to Korea. Spose there are people who aren't at all curious about anything beyond their back steps.

Nothing like assuming why people wouldn't want to go is there.

I wouldn't as said previously and I am well travelled.

PurpleDaisies · 21/03/2016 17:32

I can't believe so many would be snotty about a paid trip to Korea. Spose there are people who aren't at all curious about anything beyond their back steps.

It isn't a paid holiday. Likely it'll be one day travelling, two/three days max there (one of which is the wedding) and one day travelling home. Then straight back to work to avoid using loads of annual leave. That doesn't sound much fun to me.

NoOneIsInterested · 21/03/2016 17:41

We are planning a small reception in the UK next year, but honestly, not sure I will even invite my brother after this^

That would be sad and petty. it doesn't sound like you have 'accepted' that he doesn't want to come to S.Korea

Balletgirlmum · 21/03/2016 17:42

I'm not confused between north & south. Ds used to do taekwondo & his teacher had to go to Korea for his headings. He used to tell us about it in excruciating detail during the stretching session

I still wouldn't go.

ApocalypseSlough · 21/03/2016 17:59

Throwing and Ballet it was just an excuse to make the Koreas/ Careers advice joke.
Sheesh

exWifebeginsat40 · 21/03/2016 18:02

how long have you lived in Korea OP? when did you last see your brother? it's a bit like a summons, really, to attend your wedding and I can see why the answer might be 'no'.

sailawaywithme · 21/03/2016 18:12

I don't really have much to add to your situation, OP but I must confess to being quite taken aback by people saying that they wouldn't travel to a family members wedding overseas, even if they were close! I must be alone in loving a good wedding, and wanting to witness and support friends/family in that. Ho-hum.

PurpleDaisies · 21/03/2016 18:16

I must confess to being quite taken aback by people saying that they wouldn't travel to a family members wedding overseas, even if they were close!

I think it's one thing asking people to go to Greece or somewhere like that with a short flight so you can do it in a weekend. It's quite another to expect them to go long haul.
I'd love to go to South Korea but taking enough time off work to be able to go would be really difficult. That's not even considering the expense.

I'm going to an abroad wedding in the autumn but there are plenty of good reasons why people might not want to go.

Headofthehive55 · 21/03/2016 18:56

sailaway I'm surprised you can't see why for some people it's much more difficult to go than for others.

Some people aren't that bothered about weddings. Especially if they aren't their own! Others just can't have certain weeks off work. No can do.

pictish · 21/03/2016 18:57

there is no way I would use up valuable holiday time to travel somewhere on a tedious long haul flight, that I have no interest in ever going, just because they were having a wedding there

We felt this way as well. If we were going to spend thousands of pounds, a week's annual leave and take two long haul flights, it would be in order to go somewhere we bloody want to go.

YouAreAMuppet · 21/03/2016 19:15

It's a long way OP. I could understand if it was somewhere like ... ooh, I don't know, the Netherlands ...

nannyplumislostinspace · 21/03/2016 19:43

I don't understand what the problem with South Korea is? ☺️

VitaSackvileVest · 21/03/2016 20:01

The problem is that it's a 11-12 hour flight away and the summer is very hot and humid, with the occasional typhoon. It's lovely to visit in the spring and summer.

Spring2016 · 03/05/2016 11:49

I am too nervous to travel is why I said that I wouldn't fly to a wedding. I don't think you asked too much at all, he is you brother. He is the one who doesn't care to be a part of the family and present a united front for you and your mom on your wedding day. Just tell your mom that it is ok, that you know he will be the in spiri, if that would help her accept it. Have a great wedding, it is his loss.

BillSykesDog · 03/05/2016 12:54

Actually I completely understand why he doesn't want to accept the free trip.

Apparently he has accepted help in the past. Not only has the way he spent it been judged, it's now being held over him to pressure him into doing something he doesn't want to do: go to Korea.

I can quite understand that he's decided to draw a line. Where will it stop? What will you and your mother decide in a few years time that he is beholden to do in return?

He didn't accept help on condition of giving control of where he travels to and how he uses his annual leave to you and your mother. The two things are unrelated. Perhaps he's learnt his lesson not to accept financial help as there are often unseen strings attached?

BillSykesDog · 03/05/2016 12:55

And I wouldn't be mad keen on visiting a country where the neighbours have form for letting off nuclear weapons and making threats either.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread