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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brother not coming to my wedding

100 replies

seoulsurvivor · 21/03/2016 00:26

Prepared to be told AIBU.

My brother and I have never been close, although I try to get along with him for my mum's sake.

I'm getting married this summer. My husband to be is Korean and we are getting married in Korea.

I totally accept that many friends/relatives won't be able to come. It is a long and expensive flight. But I did expect my immediate family to be there.

My brother, however, is refusing to come due to cost. I have offered to pay, my mum has offered to pay but he says he won't take money from others (he has been happy enough to take money from me and my parents at other times, but I guess that's irrelevant to this thread.)

Personally, I don't care if he's there, but I know my mum will feel very hurt as she is quite sad that our relationship is not good. I also think that my in laws will be really confused as Korean culture is very family oriented and a brother not going to his sister's wedding would be very strange.

I think he should just suck up his pride for my mum's sake and come.

AIBU?

OP posts:

DreamingofItaly · 21/03/2016 08:51

It's hard, I know but if he won't return your calls or talk to you about it, there's little you can do. He sounds like an ungrateful bugger if you ask me from all the handouts and lack of appreciation/payback for them.

Have you thought of talking to his wife? You say you were pretty involved in planning their wedding. Maybe she can shed some light on why he's so adamant he doesn't want to attend.

pictish · 21/03/2016 08:59

I have some experience of this. Dh's brother got married two years ago in his wife's home country of Argentina. We didn't go. Our reasons for not going were as follows:

Cost - it would have cost thousands of pounds for us to go and we didn't have it. Loans were suggested. Suggestions were vetoed. Like fuck would we get into debt to attend a wedding!

Time - with two 24 hours flights to consider we were looking at a considerable chunk of annual leave (ie family holiday time) being required to attend.

Cheek - he was married before (now divorced obv) and had a local (to us) wedding to which none of us were invited or welcome. Now we're supposed to sacrifice everything we have for the second wedding? Jog on pal.

Plus - we don't really know his wife from Eve - he met her online and we've met her once...she and her family are strangers to us.

Basically we wish bil and his wife well...we hope they are very happy together, but imo if you organise a far flung wedding, you have to accept from the outset that some people aren't going to prioritise funds and/or annual leave to indulge it. Even family. Even siblings.
If he had got married in Korea we wouldn't have gone to that either.

Two years on he is still bitter over the whole thing. I'm afraid I see it as his problem.

LaContessaDiPlump · 21/03/2016 09:06

op I don't know how long you've been on MN but there is a certain school of thought here that you are never allowed to expect anything from anyone ever. Occasionally you are being unreasonable to even hope for anything from anyone ever. This goes hand-in-hand with the fact that you would obviously be unreasonable to deny your brother a kidney if he demanded requested it. Such is MN doublethink

Meanwhile in the real world, people get understandably disappointed when their siblings act like they could care less about their wedding. I sympathise with your situation as my sister and I have very different ideas of how one treats family (she only talks to family if she already knows and likes them, I talk to any family member on spec as I may well end up liking them - I'm more optimistic than her).

I think you have some underlying resentment towards your brother about his lifestyle/behaviour to your mum and that this event has been the icing on the cake. It's just more of the same from him, but I think you hoped he'd surprise you. He hasn't, which is sad for you and your mum - esp your mum as I think mums get more disappointed at a child's rejection of family than the child's siblings do.

Anyway. If I were you I'd try to forget about him. I'd also make an effort to deliberately not discuss him with your mum, because either a) she'll agree with you and dwell on it and get sadder, or b) argue with you because she's upset and doesn't want her little boy to be a twat so will deliberately make it the fault of the child she has a more mature relationship with (i.e. you), thus putting you at risk of neither her nor him attending the wedding. Just a thought.

Kintan · 21/03/2016 09:10

Perhaps he just doesn't want to go to your wedding/to Korea and is using the money as an excuse. If it really is about the money, have you offered to pay for his wife too? Not saying you should, but I wouldn't fancy going to a long haul wedding, using up annual leave etc when my spouse couldn't come too.

sleeponeday · 21/03/2016 09:17

OP tbh it sounds as though you dislike him and he dislikes you. And he doesn't share your feelings about family, so isn't interested in faking it at your wedding. I understand your disappointment but the reality is, he doesn't sound like he wants you in his life other than a peripheral extended family figure whose path he occasionally crosses. And that's fair enough.

Him going to the wedding wouldn't give your mum the fantasy family she wants, would it? And perhaps he doesn't want to be part of pretending that it exists. Which is understandable, as of course is your sadness.

I'd let him go and move on, because there is no right and wrong here. He has the right not to want someone in his life very much - we all do.

sleeponeday · 21/03/2016 09:19

Just wanted to stress - when I say "that's fair enough" I simply mean that nobody should have to have close contact with anyone else. I don't mean that it's fair enough for him to resent you specifically (if he does?) or that it's not equally fair for you to be very sad that your family isn't as you would hope and want.

WhoaCadburys · 21/03/2016 09:27

You can't, as a mother, just decide your children will get on. Of course every mother would like that, but children are their own people and she needs to let you both get on with it.

Sounds to me like there is other resentment from him towards you - nothing to do with the wedding or money. Does he perceive that you have a better life than him?

FlowersAndShit · 21/03/2016 09:55

I honestly don't understand all this fuss about weddings.

pictish · 21/03/2016 10:37

Reading back my post down there seems quite cold to my bil. Obviously as with anything there is more to it. We declined very nicely at the time citing lack of funds and annual leave as the reason, leaving the stuff about the first wedding out (we don't talk about it).
Just after Christmas I received a bizarre message from his wife out of the blue, having a go at me for not coming to the wedding and accusing me of some malicious acts that have no basis in reality. There are two explanations...either bil has been winding her up (entirely possible) or she has mental health issues (entirely possible).
I politely asked for an explanation for the message and both of them blocked me. There has been radio silence since.

So yeah...things aren't good between us. I'm probs not the best person to give advice here.

honeyroar · 21/03/2016 11:04

It does come across as though you dont like your brother much and I guess he probably feels the same? So perhaps he doesn't feel like flying half way round the world to a place he doesn't fancy to play happy families with a sister he doesn't get on with? I don't get on with my brother either, and the thought of spending most of my summer leave in Korea with him would fill me with dread!

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/03/2016 11:38

"Personally, I don't care if he's there, but I know my mum will feel very hurt as she is quite sad that our relationship is not good."
Right from the off I'm afraid my thought on this was 'your mum needs to back the fuck off'. All this drama is because your mum can't accept that her children aren't close. She needs to accept reality, and stop longing for some illusion she holds of a happy-living-in-each-other's-pockets family. I think in the long term, if she could give up this impossible dream, she could be happier too.

Headofthehive55 · 21/03/2016 12:03

I imagine he would want to spend his leave in a place of his choosing. Wouldn't any mother want her son to spend precious leave on a holiday of his choosing?

My mil insisted we all holiday together for one of her big birthdays. Her treat. However it stopped us going somewhere we wanted, and to be honest the holiday wasn't our thing. Mil had a lovely time, but I'm not sure if it's a selfish act wanting others to go somewhere so you can have a better time.

curren · 21/03/2016 12:11

So to recap

You don't like him

He doesn't like you

You only want him there because your mum is so upset.

Sorry why would your mum want her dd to have someone she doesn't like at her wedding? Why would your mum want to make it uncomfortable for you? Why would your mum want her son and his wife to fly across the world to spend a few days/ a week attending an event for a person who doesn't like them? Why would she want him feeling completely uncomfortable? Spending a week playing happy families?

All this to put on a show of family.

You can't stop being related to him. But that's doesn't mean you have to be close. Your mum needs to accept this is your wedding and his decision.

VitaSackvileVest · 21/03/2016 12:15

I think you are being a bit hard on him.

It's not like he can just hop on an easy jet flight for a few hours and fly back the day after the wedding. It's an 11 - 12 hour flight, even longer if you fly with cheaper carriers and have a stop over. 8 hours time difference, so dreadful jet-lag so he'd need to use up at least a week's annual leave, just to stop feeling shit.
Summer is the rainy season in South Korea and its swelteringly hot. All that trouble and expense to watch a lot of bowing and a big buffet feed in a wedding hall with people he's never met and can't chat to.
Why not have another wedding in the UK where you can invite UK friends and relatives, also it may help with residency (UK) issues in the future.

Balletgirlmum · 21/03/2016 12:18

I'm very close to my brother.

I would not travel to Korea for his wedding no matter who paid & he would respect that.

fatherpeeweestairmaster · 21/03/2016 13:07

I really like my sister, but if she'd told me she was getting married on the other side of the world, necessitating expensive flights, time off work, long-haul holiday style planning but without the holiday, AND THEN added that her new in-laws, whom I'd never met, would be 'looking forward to welcoming what they see as a new daughter'... I'd be a bit 'okaaaay'.

YANBU to be sad he doesn't want to be there, but I agree with others saying it's probably best to shrug and leave it - if DB likes the attention caused by your mum pleading with him to come, why give it to him? And also why encourage your mum to keep winding herself up about a situation that clearly isn't resolvable in a way she'd like?

Original poster

seoulsurvivor · 21/03/2016 13:23

father how am I winding my mum up? We have spoken about it once! I haven't said anything else to her since! I think you're making stuff up in your head a bit.

Vita 'a lot of bowing and a buffet'? That is not how a Korean wedding is at all, and honestly you sound very dismissive. And again, like you're making stuff up to suit your own imagination. I have plenty of non Korean friends who will be there who he can chat to. Also (shock) Koreans can speak English quite often. Yes the weather will be hot, I am aware, since I live here.

curren your recap is your own, not mine and doesn't seem to be based on what I have written, but your own imaginings. I didn't say I dislike him. We aren't close. Why would he feel 'conpletely uncomfortable'? We're not playing 'happy families'. Quite perplexed by much of what you've written.

I have said various times on the thread that I will just leave him to it. Since people seem to now just be making up what they want to think for whatever reason, I'll leave it for now.

Thanks for the useful answers.

OP posts:

Mousefinkle · 21/03/2016 13:30

It's not your Mother's big day. She'll get over it. It's your brothers issue, not yours, you've done all you can short of kidnapping him and forcing him on the plane. You'll have a lovely day regardless. I don't know why some people would be as bitter as not going when expenses will be paid. I might understand if it were Honduras but he's just being a teensy bit spiteful here IMO. Leave him to it.

ApocalypseSlough · 21/03/2016 13:43

Have you actually told him you'd like him to come?
As an aside to all the posters saying they wouldn't go to Korea- are you confused between North and South? Do you need some careers Koreas advice?
Boomtish

Janecc · 21/03/2016 13:48

Ahh families. I could write a book. Sorry you're in a bind. I hope you have a great wedding without your brother. Maybe you could send your mum a hug and ask her not to be sad. It sounds like your brother is best off staying away anyway. I have taken a big step away from my brother and his wife. They seem to enjoy a good drama along with my mother and it's easy to get caught up in it. I, too would think it wise to say as little as possible to your mother, gloss over the fact your brother isn't coming and focus on the positives. Have a great time.

curren · 21/03/2016 13:53

curren your recap is your own, not mine and doesn't seem to be based on what I have written, but your own imaginings. I didn't say I dislike him. We aren't close. Why would he feel 'conpletely uncomfortable'? We're not playing 'happy families'. Quite perplexed by much of what you've written.

It's quite clear you don't like him. You aren't that fussed about him being there either.

Of course he will be uncomfortable.....he doesn't want to be there

Justanothermanicfriday · 21/03/2016 13:54

YABU.

I am Very close to my siblings. I wouldn't however travel to Korea for a wedding.

Throwingshadeagain · 21/03/2016 14:45

Some posters are being a bit OTT, OP, but I also have to say I doubt I'd go to Korea. And I love weddings. And my brother.

Thanks Apocalypse I think we all know the difference between north and south Korea . It's about the expense and the long haul journey and the amount of time away.

littleleftie · 21/03/2016 14:53

Why is it such a big deal to your mother whether your brother goes or not? I am not sure I understand this.

I love my brothers but there is no way I would use up valuable holiday time to travel somewhere on a tedious long haul flight, that I have no interest in ever going, just because they were having a wedding there.

Headofthehive55 · 21/03/2016 14:57

Lots of people need to use leave for childcare in the school hols. Not to mention that couples can't always have time off together. A Saturday, perhaps at a push a weekend but needing to be a week away? That would make it impossible for us.

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