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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother not coming to my wedding

100 replies

seoulsurvivor · 21/03/2016 00:26

Prepared to be told AIBU.

My brother and I have never been close, although I try to get along with him for my mum's sake.

I'm getting married this summer. My husband to be is Korean and we are getting married in Korea.

I totally accept that many friends/relatives won't be able to come. It is a long and expensive flight. But I did expect my immediate family to be there.

My brother, however, is refusing to come due to cost. I have offered to pay, my mum has offered to pay but he says he won't take money from others (he has been happy enough to take money from me and my parents at other times, but I guess that's irrelevant to this thread.)

Personally, I don't care if he's there, but I know my mum will feel very hurt as she is quite sad that our relationship is not good. I also think that my in laws will be really confused as Korean culture is very family oriented and a brother not going to his sister's wedding would be very strange.

I think he should just suck up his pride for my mum's sake and come.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
seoulsurvivor · 21/03/2016 07:30

MardyGrave Not sure where you've got that from. I think you're reading a lot into my post that I haven't said. But it is true that maybe I'm expecting too much and that I should just leave him to it from now on. I do for the most part.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 21/03/2016 07:34

I think one of the things you accept when you plan a wedding abroad is that some people won't come. It doesn't matter whether he can afford it or not (or someone else will pay for him). Korea is a bloody long way away. Presumably he'll have to take a fair chunk of time off work to accommodate two eleven hour flights, plus airport time. That's a big ask, even for family you're close to.

Good luck with all your wedding planning but give your brother a break on this.

TeaStory · 21/03/2016 07:41

Maybe he blamed money issues because you wouldn't accept it when he said "no".

DawnOfTheDoggers · 21/03/2016 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsnec · 21/03/2016 07:41

I got married abroad and there were family members there who were only there out of duty including my brother who I have a toxic relationship with. It made the occasion very uncomfortable for me.

if I had my time again I wouldn't want anyone at my wedding who didn't want to be there.

Having said that, my parents paid for me to go to his, although without asking me first. I cancelled all the arr and didn't go and he's never forgiven me for it. I agree with what pp says. Getting time of work was also a big consideration for me at the time although I was quite glad I couldn't get the time off anyway.

Hissy · 21/03/2016 07:43

Your family needs to ask him why he's snubbing your wedding.

And then you need to just let him go. He's not interested in seeing you happy. He's dead weight in your life.

chillycurtains · 21/03/2016 07:44

YABU. No one has to attend someone else's wedding or event of any kind. I think you need to accept that your relationship is not great and just try and stay in touch but don't push this. You would possibly end up regretting that he is there if you force him and he comes grudingly. It could embarass you in front of your new in-laws. Time to let it go although it is sad.

StuffandBother · 21/03/2016 07:47

If you get married abroad then you accept that you go alone, if family can come it's a lovely bonus.

HortonWho · 21/03/2016 08:02

SoThatHappened - hey you know how posters go around digging up your posts and quote you out of context to make you look like a twat on another thread? No? Maybe show others same courtesy.

Phalenopsisgirl · 21/03/2016 08:04

The absense can be explained away to your future in laws that your brother does not like to travel/ does not travel well. If he is passing on a free trip like this I think perhaps this isn't too far from the truth.

curren · 21/03/2016 08:06

I just really wish he would for my mother's sake. She has done a lot for him and he never seems to do anything in return. I know it upsets her, although I do tell her not to do things like give him lots of money or whatever.

Coming to your wedding isn't for her. It's for you.

And if you and your mum can't separate the two, that's your issue.

It seems that you just don't like him. In which case why would you want him there. I am always glad when my dickhead brother makes excuses to not come to something again. It more relaxing for everyone.

Bajanella · 21/03/2016 08:18

I know that you said that you had offered to pay for both him and his wife, but organising time off as a couple is more difficult than organising time off as a single person. Perhaps his wife doesn't travel well?

Phalenopsisgirl · 21/03/2016 08:19

I love the way people invent aspects to a post that were never there to begin with, it's the imagination gap filling again. So many people just think up a possible scenario and then start having a go at the op based on something they have concocted in their own mind that has no basis in reality or what the op has actually said!! Hilarious! Op it sounds like you are more cross because of not wanting your mum to be upset and I think you want her to have a lovely time whilst feeling like her family is happy and loving. Unfortunately you can only do your part in this, if your brother doesn't recognise or want to do this for her then you just can't control that and you are best off letting it go. I think your hurt/ irritation comes from good intentions, not necessarily from a selfish stance. Once the day comes it is unlikely to feel a problem and I'm sure you will have a lively wedding.

Only1scoop · 21/03/2016 08:20

I wouldn't want somebody paying for my ticket. Maybe his pride is a little at stake and he's not actually that fussed about going.

He shouldn't be going just to please your mum and play happy families with your new in laws.

I wouldn't get all bitter about it. Him being given/ loaned money for a deposit on a property is not comparable.

Headofthehive55 · 21/03/2016 08:20

I wouldn't go either. It's a huge ask of your brother. He will have to use up his holidays and go somewhere he perhaps doesn't want. We recently had a family wedding abroad - no question of us going. And I'd say we are close!

Original poster
seoulsurvivor · 21/03/2016 08:22

It really is not for me. It is totally for my mum. My in-laws are not going to go asking why he's not there so I don't need to make excuses.

DawnOfTheDoggers The money thing is a bit of a separate issue, one which I'm sure he does have a very different perception of. People tend to, really, don't they? But it does bother me that suddenly he starts talking about pride regarding money when he owes me substantial amounts from the past. He doesn't borrow money. He takes money which he never gives back because he thinks he deserves a playstation, an xbox, weed, a 3 bedroom house despite having no children, a foreign holiday every year.

The issue is really around feeling bad for my mum. I know that she really wants a happy family, and she doesn't have it and I guess she never will.

Phalenopsisgirl He has no issues around travelling, he travels at least once a year.

But. I will just accept it. If he doesn't want to come, he doesn't have to.

OP posts:
IlikePercyPig · 21/03/2016 08:26

YABU, I get on well with my brother but there's no way I'd fly half way across the world to attend his wedding, I have a job and other commitments.

Only1scoop · 21/03/2016 08:27

If you or your family have given him money and you know it's been spent on play stations, xboxes and weed then obviously there is a lack of respect somewhere along the line Confused

He's obviously using 'pride' as an excuse.

I would never lend him another penny personally.

Original poster
seoulsurvivor · 21/03/2016 08:29

Phalenopsisgirl yes, that's exactly it. I really hate seeing my mum upset. She's had a hard life, would do anything for our family, and although she is not always the nicest/kindest mother, she has always tried.

You're right though, I can't control it.

Maybe part of it is some guilt about living over here. It wasn't my intention. When I moved here, I thought it would be for a year at most. And now I'm getting married and we'll probably settle here for a while at least.

And I wish he would at least write or phone me to say sorry.

I think it is really time for me to reconsider my relationship with him. It makes me sad though. Although we were never close, I thought we could at least speak sometimes, attend big events of each other's and be a part of each other's lives in some way. I don't have cousins and only one uncle, so it's quite hard sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
seoulsurvivor · 21/03/2016 08:33

Only1Scoop I haven't lent him money in years. Paying for him to come was really for my mum, not him. I do feel like he is quite disrespectful in that he doesn't really see why he should pay money back, and doesn't really get that other people have to work to earn that money.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/03/2016 08:35

I'd rather boil my own head than go to Korea for any reason.

Original poster
seoulsurvivor · 21/03/2016 08:38

expatinscotland I like it here, but of course you don't have to. Not really sure how it's relevant, my brother has never expressed any strong dislike of Korea.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/03/2016 08:40

Well, obviously he doesn't want to go. You'll just have to deal with that.

DreamingofItaly · 21/03/2016 08:41

OP I know exactly how you feel.

I too am planning a wedding abroad, long haul. DP's family don't want to come. They say it's too far and too expensive (flights are c.£450 pp), my family on the other hand, don't really see why we want to get married so far away but will be there for us both and are really rather excited about it now we've explained our plans and everything that's going to happen.

As it's so far away and a lot to ask, we're paying for everything when they arrive, transfers, accommodation, meals, entertainment but we appreciate it's a lot of ask of people, so they just need to pay for flights. We've offered to pay for his family's flights so they can come, but they still don't want to do it. Ultimately, it's up to them.

I'm over being upset about it now. It's OUR wedding, we're doing what we want to do and trying to make it as easy as possible for those we love to join us, if they don't want to, that's okay, they can join us for the party we have here.

TBH, I think you need to get over it and accept he doesn't want to be there, yes, it'll upset your mum, but that's for your mum and brother to deal with. Enjoy your wedding planning and the event!

Original poster
seoulsurvivor · 21/03/2016 08:46

expat If you read up thread, I did say that I accepted it.

Dreaming thanks. Yeah, I am trying to just deal with it. I suppose it is just symptomatic of our whole relationship and maybe I've been able to just ignore it for a long time and now it's kind of out in the open that he isn't really interested in a relationship with me. I just find it weird. I was very involved in planning his wedding (at his/his wife's request), spent a lot to go there, took time off and so on...I don't know. I don't get it, really. But as I said, I can accept it.

OP posts: