...to feel a little miffed that DH is out for the day with a female friend

[skinofthericepudding]

My DH told me a few days ago that he'd be out cycling today. and would need the car. I asked a couple of days ago what time he would be back, and he said late afternoon. I happened to ask who he was cycling with (he belongs to a couple of cycling groups) and he said that it was a female friend. He has met her few times for lunch etc and they have been to a local town for the day together for lunch and sight seeing. They used to work together and I have to admit that they probably have more shared interests than we do! I have never met her, but can't help feeling a little put out that he's spending Sunday with her. AIBU?

I agree with you DryIce, I trust DP to know when to back off. This thread has been fascinating... So many people who don't trust their husbands/partners to do the right thing.. or maybe have been stung before. It's saying you think he won't be able to resist temptation. Well that reveals something about him then doesn't it? Life is short and to be enjoyed- I'm not going to stop enjoying hobbies with members of the opposite sex when my partner doesn't want to do them. He knows I am close to a few people and if they jingled their penis in my face I would be able to resist! I love and respect him and so I could never do that to him. And vice versa... Him loving me stops him cheating, not me holding him back from tempting situations.

If someone cheats then they had it in them all along.

Did your dp not mind??

I am single and thus dangerous and predatory

I just can't imagine being married to someone who, going out for Sunday lunch - sees I'm doing nothing - and doesn't say 'do you want to come with?'

To me that's just basic.

Helmet, really? Sometimes you just want to go out with a friend, though, not with your DP as well. That's not bad or wrong, surely? Having separate friends?

helmet it's odd in my camp too - the spending a lazy Sunday with a bloke who wasn't my partner. Dinner out with a work colleague and drinks - not at all odd. Seeing a film/doing an activity that my DP didn't enjoy - not odd. This guy cut a walk short with his wife the previous day to watch the rugby. Same modern man has a platonic female friend he's got all the time in the world to walk with/eat lunch with the next day. Baloney the bike broke.

Oh totally- but I expect the offer to be made.

If I'm going out with my male friend for Sunday lunch, and dh isn't doing anything, of course I'd ask him along too.

Helmet, that doesn't really clarify it. You DO think it's OK to have separate friends –but you'd ask your DH along if you were meeting one of them, and expect him to do the same? So do you ever get time alone with a friend?

Weird he didn't come and et you to go on a walk too. Seen as you're not into bike rides but like walking and you had no plans. This is what I'd expect of dh and what I'd do too if he was at home and I was doing something he enjoys.
This would worry me a bit OP, like other have said it wasn't about going on a bike ride with someone with the same interest but more about time alone with her (alone otherwise you'd have got an invite, right?)

Wow.

Yes I do think having separate friends is fine and lovely.

Yes, if I had been meeting a male friend for lunches for one year who dh had never met, and if dh was doing nothing on a Sunday afternoon. I would definitely invite him to join us.

Dh might say no, but yes, I would ask.

I am bothered by it, but I'm the first to admit I'm the jealous type! I wouldn't like another woman getting dh's attention.

If he went out with another woman for the day, I would likely sit in, pyjamas on, stuffing my face with oreos and thinking about how fat I am.

But that's my self esteem issue! Not dh's trustworthyness!!

This thread has been fantastic.
I just cannot believe all these smug comments saying "ohhh I trust my DH so much, he can spend time with whoever" ...
I can possibly imagine 2 reasons why anyone would say something like this, sorry if it sounds awful but here goes:
i) DH is unattractive, unsuccessful, doesn't have much spare cash or charm and is generally only interested in beer;
ii) if above doesn't apply, and DH is attractive, stylish, well-heeled and influential in his circles, AND his wife still insists that she doesn't mind him spending a day out with another woman, then the wife is deluded.

In case of i) above, these men don't have affairs not because they are so righteous, but rather because noone wants them.

Successful, intelligent, interesting and rich men do tend to have affairs a lot.
We only need to look at businessmen, sports personalities, politicians. But we don't need to go that far.
I work in the City in a predominantly male, highly paid / professional environment and I am close to quite a few of the male colleagues, enough to discuss personal stuff. Each man I know has had at least 1 affair that I am aware of. Some had a few and/or use escorts on a regular basis.
There is one exception but this is, perhaps to some extent, because he is particularly religious. He doesn't drink or smoke or gambles or swears either.

Oh, and remember, Jennifer didn't mind Brad Pitt spending time with Angelina Jolie. We all know where that ended. A cliche of course, but it's precisely the point.

So, all the smug wives of unwanted (by anyone but themselves) DH, please give it a rest.
Given a chance to engage in a no-strings affair with a beautiful woman, not many men would resist. Those who do resist would do so, more often than not, for religious reasons, or because they are simply scared (scared of being found out; or, often, scared of not being able to perform!! Yes, the common worry apparently with a new, exciting partner).

My advice to the OP would be to watch her DH closely, burying her head in the sand isn't going to help. If she still has the power to stop this developing into a full-blown affair, then shouldn't she try and save her marriage?

Not my real name/wouldn't want anyone to guess who i am.

Helmet, that's a bit odd in my book. If I were the friend, expecting to see one person for lunch, and then their DP turned up too, I'd think it was a bit weird. And I'd probably be a bit disappointed; I would have been looking forward to seeing my friend one on one. No matter how well you get on with a friend's DP, it inevitably changes the dynamic to have three people along rather than two.

Another, your post is frankly hilarious. Women who trust their DPs must therefore have a DP who is 'unattractive, unsuccessful, doesn't have much spare cash or charm and is generally only interested in beer'?

Well all my (2) male friends know and like dh probably more than me now so I doubt they would be disappointed if he turned up.

If I had a male friend who had never met dh and he was so disappointed I'd brought dh along I would think he had issues.

AnotherWoman What a depressing post with a grim view of men. Yes there are men like that but it sounds like you haven't met any decent ones with morals. In the real world there are plenty of people with no desire to cheat. Infact are you the actor Edward Fox who was recently in the news saying all men need to have affairs?

I think it's also odd to invite DP to something he wouldn't be interested in. It would change the dynamic and he would be bored listening to us! He'd much rather do his own thing than accompany me out with a friend.

How odd I must be to sometimes want to spend time with just a friend, not with my or their DP in tow.

Yeah because that's exactly what I said isn't it.

It's not odd to want to spend time with a friend, just odd to want to do it in time normally reserved for your dp and announced to said dp with little advance notice that they will need to find something else to do (that doesn't involve needing a car, as you're taking it). And just tactless and selfish to cut short a walk with your dp in order to watch the rugby, but enjoy a walk followed by a pub lunch with your other friend. It just comes across badly, particularly if you are too thick to realise that - it shows more solicitude towards the friend than the partner.

I don't get why it's time 'reserved for your DP'...

But then, I just don't get a lot of the stuff on this thread, generally.

BillBrysonsBeard
What a depressing post with a grim view of men. Yes there are men like that but it sounds like you haven't met any decent ones with morals.

I suspect AnotherWoman doesn't know any decent men with morals because they are not the sort that she looks for.

OnlyLovers,
No, that's not what I said.

Women who trust their unattractive/unsuccessful DHs are quite right to do so (in most cases).

Women who trust their attractive/well-off DHs to spend whole days out with OW are very naive indeed.
Because such men are prized, and OW would pursue with vigor and determination, which would be directly proportionate to DH income/influence/looks (looks less so btw).

By all means feel free to ignore me and my views.
I only speak of what I know.

Another you know city types. Funnily enough city blokes aren't representative of the entirely of manhood. City types tend to be pretty cuntish (as your own description shows) so some of us might be well pleased not to know or hang out with or be married to these sterling specimens of masculinity. Doesn't men we know aren't attractive or successful. They're just not twats who regard every women they meet as nothing more than a potential fuck.

To BillBrysons / BoneyBack,

I am just stating the obvious.

Come and work where I do, and become friendly with the big boys. You will then know.
Oh, but of course, it only happens in the City, all these seedy horrible well-dressed smart people that work in sleek offices.
In churches and schools around the UK you find different kind of folk, decent and honest (then go back to my point i) which is "noone wants them as they have not much to offer to prospective OW").

By the way, I am currently single and happy with my choice as I am young and have a demanding career, didn't really suffer much in terms of past personal disasters, and I even had a nice childhood! Believe it or not!
But, unlike you, I am not comforting myself with a marshmallow view of the world.
Men are hardwired to think, to want, and to pursue sexual relationship incl outside of marriage. It's their nature. Women are wired differently. It's simple biology.
Given the right opportunity, men go on to do what the nature tells them to.
Fact is, the less attractive they are (status, money, looks wise) the less opportunities they get.

To deny any of the above doesn't make you smart, or superior. It makes you an ostrich sticking its' head in the sand. Good luck with that.

I agree with Anotherow I know loads of women who would love to have had a fling with my DH, mainly because of his looks. There's no way I'd be letting him go off gallivanting into the countryside with lone women. You can never trust someone 100% can you.

Oh, you are funny. You're welcome to the 'big boys' (who you're clearly completely in awe of). The 1980s are that way

My husband and I both work full time, and one weekend day is usually taken up with catching up on sleep plus housework and other boring but necessary life bits. The only real opportunity to spend time together is the one leftover weekend day. Yes, of course we have separate friends, but we tend to see them on weekday evenings for a catchup and a takeaway, or we will go to the pub for a few on Fridays after work. If I knew that one day in the middle of 2 busy work weeks had been taken up by another person (male or female) and that I was being left with no transport to go and do something myself, I'd have hurt feelings. You can have unspoken agreements like this in relationships and if these are being repeatedly broken for the same person it is a sign that the other person does not value this time together like you do.