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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to feel a little miffed that DH is out for the day with a female friend

589 replies

skinofthericepudding · 20/03/2016 10:03

My DH told me a few days ago that he'd be out cycling today. and would need the car. I asked a couple of days ago what time he would be back, and he said late afternoon. I happened to ask who he was cycling with (he belongs to a couple of cycling groups) and he said that it was a female friend. He has met her few times for lunch etc and they have been to a local town for the day together for lunch and sight seeing. They used to work together and I have to admit that they probably have more shared interests than we do! I have never met her, but can't help feeling a little put out that he's spending Sunday with her. AIBU?

OP posts:
sonjadog · 21/03/2016 19:17

Has it? The posts above seem to be largely referring to the specifics of this case.

NanaNina · 21/03/2016 19:31

I know sonjadog - nobody seems bothered that the OP is no longer with us, whereas it bothers me. I suspect she wanted to hear that it was all ok and she was over reacting, or whatever............over and out.

AnyFucker · 21/03/2016 19:32

Theoretical in that the op dropped a subject that always runs and runs on MN and then fucked off.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 21/03/2016 20:18

Sometimes things take on a life of their own.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 21/03/2016 20:39

I always think of When Harry met Sally in these discussions. But they end up together, don't they Grin

MN has always had the perennial can married people have friendships with the opposite sex discussions, and I guess every relationship is different. Every friendship is different.

But this type of scenario - the biking/non-biking day out - would hypothetically ring alarm bellls with me. I can't see me doing this to my dh, or vv.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 21/03/2016 20:46

Oh, and I'm just imagining 2 male cycling mates arranging a a day's cycling.

  1. Oh, my bikes buggered, mate.
  1. OK mate, how about a walk in the countryside and then lunch in a nice pub, instead?

Mmmm. I suppose it might go (if they were really good mates):

1.Ok, how about we drop the cycling and just get grab some beers.

  1. Great idea mate, I'll just drop the car back, tell the missus, and off we go! Come in - you can meet the missus.

You get the drift...

Loopy567 · 21/03/2016 21:24

Would it make any difference if you had have meet this women previously? My soon to be ex husband's mistress wouldn't have set any alarm bells ringing if I had met her as she is a married Christian with a very young child. Who would say she was a threat? Didn't stop her chasing a fellow married Christian at the school where they both work. More fool her if she ever checks him out on Match.com - his profile picture telling me that he joined right about the time he started going out with her!

kali110 · 21/03/2016 21:42

Marynaryas i said earlier my dp goes to his local once week and some of his new group are women.
I have never met them.
Last week it was one his female friends birthdays so he popped out to her party on 'our days off'.
I have never met her, i don't need to!
She isn't my friend! If i ever wish to go with my dh then i will, but i don't have a need to know every single female in his life.
If my dh suddenly was suspicious of me hanging out with a friend just because they were male i would be devestated.
It's other people who have turned op's scenerio into a date Confused
I never thought date when i read it.
I go for pub lunches with friends (and used to go for walks) and it was never a date.

roundaboutthetown · 21/03/2016 22:08

But your description is of a group of people, some of whom happen to be women, kali. Would you really feel the same about it if it morphed from this into your dh meeting up with one particular woman from that group on their own for sightseeing trips, lunches, cycle rides and walks, and then became something he did at times he used to spend doing things with you? Would you not wonder why she seemed to be special, requiring more regular contact than the rest of the group?

PollyPurple · 21/03/2016 22:59

I read Shirley Glass's book after finding out I had been cheated on, she absolutely gets it spot on. I would absolutely recommend this to the OP, or anyone else feeling vulnerable in their relationship, actually it would be good for the OP to pass it onto her dh!

Oh and the surprised reaction! I've seen that, I have! It was such a convincing reaction, I almost fell for it but still, my gut was telling me otherwise, I was right to listen to it.

I think the OP's dh is investing far too much into this friendship, the OP feels something is 'off', I'm hoping she's ok and comes back.

Marynary · 21/03/2016 23:24

Marynaryas i said earlier my dp goes to his local once week and some of his new group are women. I have never met them.

Going out with a group of people, some of whom are women is an entirely different scenario from the OP. Do you really not get that?Hmm

bigmouthstrikesagain · 21/03/2016 23:41

I have plenty of male friends that I have known for decades, I go to gigs with them and dh stays at home. This summer I stayed at one of my male friends house for a night and we went to the pub and got bladdered, the next day we went to an art gallery before I got the train home. The only part of that weekend that felt wrong in any way was the gallery trip as I missed dh and wanted him there. My friend came and stayed with us for the night last week, he and I went to the pub dh. stayed at home with kids. Dh is cool with it because he knows we are just mates no atmosphere of sexual longing no wierdness, it is ok because it is not new, although when dc were very small I had a few years of not going out regularly, dh knows a good social is something I need. Just like I appreciate dh needs solitude and space we balance well, if we were the same as each other it would not work. Trust and acceptance is key

AnyFucker · 21/03/2016 23:48

That sounds fabulous, big

And also absolutely nothing like the situation our elusive OP finds herself in.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 22/03/2016 00:17

Yes. I agree with AF (somethings don't change 😁) It's all very theoretical now.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 22/03/2016 00:37

I know sorry I think threads like these do get to a random musings stage once the main dilemma has been thrashed out I suppose I should have kept my train of thought to myself though ...

kali110 · 22/03/2016 00:44

roundaboutthetown mary no i wouldn't! As i've said repeatedly i hang out with friends who happen to have a penis without my dh. He has never had a problem with it because they are my friends.
It doesn't/wouldn't bother me if he said he was going out with one of his female friends for the day.
i wouldn't have a problem with it if it were a man so why just because it's a woman?
Yes the ops husband could very well be cheating but there's also a chance he isn't!
From the little op has posted it doesn't scream affair to me.
If i were the ops husband and my dp accused me of being up to something ( purely on the little things the op has written) i would be devestated.

roundaboutthetown · 22/03/2016 07:09

Well, to spend a whole day going on a walk and having a pub lunch with someone, male or female, that excluded me, would certainly be out of character for my dh, so it would bother me, as it would be far from normal! Going to the football, yes, as I have no interest in joining in on that, but not pub lunches, walks and sightseeing without me!! I guess it's a bit different in that the OP does not have children, as she isn't being left behind to do childcare and probably has more spare time to have a social life with other people without her dh, but still, if something is out of character, it's out of character, and the OP is clearly not used to her dh not wanting to spend time with her when he can! I really don't see why anyone would fail to worry a bit about behaviour that is out of character for someone?

Marynary · 22/03/2016 08:25

Yes the ops husband could very well be cheating but there's also a chance he isn't!

Of course there is a chance he isn't. However, I think that it would be naive not to be suspicious at this point in these particular circumstances. You say that you wouldn't be and that is obviously your prerogative but it doesn't mean that you aren't gullible!

kali110 · 22/03/2016 10:11

Fine mary you carry on.
I've already said i have no problem with my dh going out with his female friends. If my dh wrote this thread about me simply because i'd hung out with a friend who happened to be a male i don't know how much longer he would be my dh.

SoupDragon · 22/03/2016 13:30

there's also a chance he isn't!

There's a good chance he doesn't exist.

I have just got back from 4 hours walking in the country with someone else's husband. We managed not to shag each other.

sonjadog · 22/03/2016 13:43

Were you wearing cycling shorts though? I think that is the deciding factor.

SoupDragon · 22/03/2016 13:50

I was wearing a tight Lycra mini skirt and a corset, as one does on a country walk.

I may actually have been in a fleece, muddy jeans, hiking boots and with a smelly spaniel on a lead-

kali110 · 22/03/2016 14:05

soup really soup? How did you manage it? Did your dp not mind??

amarmai · 22/03/2016 14:22

comparing a group sit to a twosome=not the same
comparing a friend who you have met to a 'friend' you have not met=nts
Plus changing the story and prev meet ups and taking the car and the 'suprised' reaction= YANBU ,op.

DryIce · 22/03/2016 15:26

I've found this thread fascinating. As it has now become theoretical (or perhaps, always was...), I hope I can add my point of view without it being seen as directed at any PP.

I know some people see it as being naive, but I honestly have no problem with my husband conducting his own relationships. Even if, like in this case, it involved spending time on his own with a woman I don't know. I have no interest in being with someone whose fidelity is dependent on my monitoring of their behaviour.

Over the course of our marriage, I have met loads of people who were fun and fanciable - who I would have, were I single, been interested in pursuing. Once or twice so fanciable, I have deliberately backed off a bit. This is the kind of decision I would expect my husband to make if he felt himself becoming a little too close to someone else.

(Full disclosure: my last serious relationship before him was with a woman. So, as has been pointed out, I probably have a vested interest in the OP's husband's behaviour being acceptable - as otherwise, I would probably never be allowed to spend time with anyone unchaperoned!)