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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to feel a little miffed that DH is out for the day with a female friend

589 replies

skinofthericepudding · 20/03/2016 10:03

My DH told me a few days ago that he'd be out cycling today. and would need the car. I asked a couple of days ago what time he would be back, and he said late afternoon. I happened to ask who he was cycling with (he belongs to a couple of cycling groups) and he said that it was a female friend. He has met her few times for lunch etc and they have been to a local town for the day together for lunch and sight seeing. They used to work together and I have to admit that they probably have more shared interests than we do! I have never met her, but can't help feeling a little put out that he's spending Sunday with her. AIBU?

OP posts:
theredjellybean · 21/03/2016 16:18

I would suggest Op gets Shirley Glass' book : here is extract from review

NOT "Just Friends" is the long-awaited, groundbreaking new book by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., whom the New York Times has called the "godmother of infidelity research." Full of astonishing revelations, NOT "Just Friends" draws on more than two decades of original studies and hundreds of clinical cases to document the new crises of infidelity. NOT "Just Friends": Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal (The Free Press; January 13th, 2003; $25.00) reveals that, in this crisis, today's workplace is the foremost breeding ground for extramarital affairs. Good people in good marriages-men and women who say they're happily married-are unwittingly crossing the line between platonic friendship and romantic love. We are right to be wary when we hear our partners assert, "I'm telling you, we're just friends."

septembersunshine · 21/03/2016 16:22

To be honest this doesn't sit well with me. I would want to meet this woman for a start and then see how the land lies between the two of them. I don't think I could help but be a bit suspicious... firstly they have shared friends (lots to talk about there plus a shared history) and also in your post you mention 'lunch' and 'sightseeing'. Ummm... that's not just cycling, that's like a day out/date together. He might be innocent in all of this but what about her? I would speak to your husband about this.

NanaNina · 21/03/2016 16:34

Has anyone noticed that the OP hasn't come back and has only made one short post since her OP. I think she said the posts had given her a lot to think about, but I think it's discourteous not to post when so many people have bothered to give their opinion. I think this in general btw not just in relation to this OP.

FWIW I would absolutely NOT have this - they're up to no good for sure.

Bogeyface · 21/03/2016 16:42

Shirley Glass!!! She is the one who wrote about walls! Thank you TheRed I knew I had read it somewhere.

eatsleep I was just correcting my appalling grammar! :o

OnlyLovers · 21/03/2016 17:12

Presumably a bisexual partner wouldn't be allowed any friends at all. Grin

Yes, it would get very complicated!

IME, purely platonic male / female relationships are more rare than hens teeth.

Between me and my DP we have, off the top of my head, eight opposite-sex friendships that are not and have never been any more. Statistically I don't think that's hens-teeth territory. So yes, people's experiences are different and can't really be applied across the board.

Marynary, I'd still love it if you came back to clarify your last comment to me.

blindsider · 21/03/2016 17:14

only Lovers

"Presumably a bisexual partner wouldn't be allowed any friends at all. grin"

Yes, it would get very complicated!

Not really - I expect if you are happy to be with a bisexual you already know they will shag anything Wink

OnlyLovers · 21/03/2016 17:14

Not really - I expect if you are happy to be with a bisexual you already know they will shag anything

Oh yeah, forgot that. Grin

blindsider · 21/03/2016 17:15

only lovers

Between me and my DP we have, off the top of my head, eight opposite-sex friendships that are not and have never been any more

That however doesn't preclude one half of the relationship hoping for/wanting more though, does it??

OnlyLovers · 21/03/2016 17:31

Um. What's your point exactly?

HelpfulChap · 21/03/2016 17:32

Sounds very suspect. I do have female friends but only really meet as part of a group and then it is a boozy football day out.

Not romantic walks in the countryside with a pub lunch.

The only thing making me second guess myself is that if they really had been off for a bit of the other is the OPs DH would have come up with a better excuse.

Unless its a double bluff. My brain hurts.

CatThiefKeith · 21/03/2016 17:57

blindsider I have to disagree with your view on platonic friendships. I've had a close male friend for 35 years. We've been single at the same time for prolonged periods, as well as being in long term relationships with people who accept our friendship.

We've never shagged, and would never want to. We are more like brother and sister. It does and can happen. Although almost certainly not in the pp's case.

BingoBonkers · 21/03/2016 17:58

Hope you're ok OP.

I think it's suspect. My husband is a keen runner. I would have no issue with him arranging to meet a woman to go for a run. I would however be pissed if he returned saying "oh X fell over and hurt her ankle so we decided to go for lunch instead".

kali110 · 21/03/2016 18:15

Where has it said that op and her husband never get to spend time together??

Marynary Grin yes i am soooo gullianle because i believe that a guy can go out with a female friend and not believe that they are cheating?
Ok then.
I must be cheating on my dh then!
My MALE friend and i were suppose to be going round the shops the other week but i was in pain so, shock-horror we went for lunch! My dh was free also!
I didn't invite him because we are not joined at the hip.
In the real world my female friends have male friends and they don't have to bring their husbands/partners with them if they want to do anything. They trust them.
If someone is going to cheat, then they will.

cat one of my bestmates is male. I've known him nearly 15 years. Nothing has ever been between us nor ever will, but according mn one of us must always want the other Grin

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 21/03/2016 18:18

I totally agree with the Shirley Glass thing - friendship boundaries can become blurred during cosy lunches in country pubs. They may not actively be looking to start an affair - but you know. How many people who have affairs say "it just happened".

summerdreams · 21/03/2016 18:26

I wouldn't be happy. Allthough I knowmany people who'd think this was fine

Helmetbymidnight · 21/03/2016 18:38

cat one of my bestmates is male. I've known him nearly 15 years. Nothing has ever been between us nor ever will, but according mn one of us must always want the other

Why are you deliberately mis-interpreting what people have said?

It IS curious that the wife has not been allowed or at least invited along to meet this very new friend.

Witchend · 21/03/2016 18:45

Someone once said to me and dh ( I think during marriage preparation) that very few people get up and think "I think I'll have an affair".
It starts as a normal friendship. The they find something in common to do together. Then they do other things together because they want to spend tine together. The hobby together I now just an excuse to meet up, then they'll often do something else instead. Then the full affair starts.

Sounds like the op's oh is 3/4 down that line.

roundaboutthetown · 21/03/2016 18:51

kali110 - has your dh ever met this male shopping companion of yours? If yes, do you think he would be as happy with you meeting up with someone for shopping, sightseeing, cycling,walking and lunch over the course of a year without ever being introduced to this person himself?

OSETmum · 21/03/2016 18:53

Sorry but I can't hear for alarm bells 😡 I'm really sorry OP but it's just not ok for him to sack off his bike ride and go for a walk and lunch with her. Plus, wouldn't he have left dressed in cycling clothes? So presumably he had other plans to take normal clothes with him.

kali110 · 21/03/2016 18:59

roundaboutthetown helmet i only mentioned my bestfriend.
I said in an earlier comment that my dh and i both have friends of the opposite sex that neither of us have met!
My dh would have no problem with me going out anywhere with a male friend. He would have no problem with a female friend so why should there be a difference?
I have friends. That didn't change when i got with my dh.
He knows i would never cheat on him and i know he wouldn't on me.
I wouldn't meet some of my dh's friends because i no longer drink or go to the pub on evenings so i wouldn't be offended by him not asking me. I'd much rather stay in with a cuppa!

IsmellSwell · 21/03/2016 19:03

He wouldn't have gone walking and stopped for lunch wearing really tight lycra. He must have had a change of clothes in the car. How convenient. Hmm

Helmetbymidnight · 21/03/2016 19:08

So he often goes out for dinners with just his woman friend of one year who you've never met and he has never asked you to join the two of them?

O-kay.

Marynary · 21/03/2016 19:08

Marynary grin yes i am soooo gullianle because i believe that a guy can go out with a female friend and not believe that they are cheating?

Er no.. I didn't say you were gullible because you believe that a guy can go out with a female friend and not believe that they are cheating at all. I said (or meant) you are gullible if you would not be at all suspicious if you were in the OPs situation. Although her DP may not be physically cheating at the moment it certainly could be heading that way...

Regardless, most people would not be happy if there spouse was going for walks/lunch/sightseeing etc with a new "friend" of the opposite sex that they had not even met.

sonjadog · 21/03/2016 19:10

This thread is amazing. The OP hasn't been heard from for about 300 posts and still people are having heated discussion about it.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/03/2016 19:12

That's because it has become a theoretical discussion.

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