...to feel a little miffed that DH is out for the day with a female friend

[skinofthericepudding]

My DH told me a few days ago that he'd be out cycling today. and would need the car. I asked a couple of days ago what time he would be back, and he said late afternoon. I happened to ask who he was cycling with (he belongs to a couple of cycling groups) and he said that it was a female friend. He has met her few times for lunch etc and they have been to a local town for the day together for lunch and sight seeing. They used to work together and I have to admit that they probably have more shared interests than we do! I have never met her, but can't help feeling a little put out that he's spending Sunday with her. AIBU?

Ah here they come with the old "either you trust your dh or you don't" rubbish.

Cheaters often do seem 'really surprised' when the subject of a cheating possibility is brought up by a partner

Um... so do people who are really surprised by their partner suggesting cheating??

Wouldn't do them much good if they went around pretending not to be cheaters by acting like, err, cheaters would it!

As wife of a MAMIL, I think I'd like to pick up on GingerIvy's extremely pertinent point:
"A question, if I may. What was he wearing? Just the cycling clothing? Or was he wearing regular clothing when he left, bringing "cycling stuff" with him? Curious."
My husband would have set off in cycling gear with ordinary shoes for driving. He wouldn't have been comfortable wearing these clothes for a walk in the countryside - they're only good for cycling, when you're generating your own heat. You'd be freezing walking in them. So, either he had regular clothes with him - including stout shoes and a suitable jacket - or he didn't. If he did - he was expecting to use them. If he didn't - no way did he go for a walk in the countryside. Sat in a pub for lunch, yes' but walk in the countryside? Pfft.

One of his regular cycling buddies is a woman, who also happens to be a good friend to both of us. On one ride her bike had problems - they came back home.

And taking the car doesn't ring true either. If his ride starts that far from home, I know all the details of the ride well in advance because he's looking for a particular terrain to practice on, and discusses this in general conversation. You never have to drag details from a keen cyclist! In fact any ride that involves the car usually also involves me as a support driver able to pick them up and having a lovely time wandering round a new town.

One last thing - "He has met her few times for lunch etc and they have been to a local town for the day together for lunch and sight seeing."
The day? Sightseeing? That's when the line was crossed.

Oh, and all that piffle about he'd have to be a very good actor to feign surprise - maybe he was genuinely surprised that he was caught? Cheats think they're too clever to be caught.

This 'controlling' thing is weird.

It's also standard cheat speak for 'being suspicious with good reason.'

My H (now dead and each day I am less sad and sorry about that) had several affairs and attempted affairs and painted a nice picture of me being a controlling bully. In part because I objected to him going out a lot when he could have been with me or could have been home to see his kids or could have been doing family stuff or any other normal thing. Instead of tragically going out to the pub umpteen nights in a row with girls ten years younger than himself and using his position to try and pull them. A few of the less attractive, misguidedly ambitious and less scrupulous ones were apparently impressed.

eats. Nope, not saying that.

What I'm saying is that someone looking 'really surprised' does not mean they are genuinely surprised.

But I think you know that.

Whereyouleft

I agree about the clothing, I thought it was a good point too. And the surprise when she asked him, it may be that at the moment he doesnt consider himself to be doing anything wrong. In his head they may be just friends. But as has been seen countless times on MN, this is how many affairs start.

Whoops, missed out the word 'necessarily.'

But I still think you know that I didn't mean surprised cannot ever mean surprised. It can. It just doesn't necessarily mean innocence. I know the surprised look well.

If there 'was' something untoward with their latest meeting and since you pulled him up on it and asked him outright, he obviously knows you're a little annoyed and suspicious about the whole thing, so without any concrete proof, I would keep an eye on what happens next. 'If' something is going on, he won't be able to use the 'going on a bike ride, oh the bike broke' excuse again, so maybe he'll be working late, or suddenly meeting a new friend. Or.. if it's totally innocent, maybe he will realise you're a little uncomfortable with them going for lunch and walking and either stop just meeting her or offer to introduce you.
Personally, I know my DH would ensure I felt 100% comfortable and my feelings would come before anyone elses. He would at least acknowledge it looks a little off and apologise, but that is our relationship and not yours. I hope you sort it out OP.

Bemused at people who think just because the female friend is a cycling buddy or shares a hobby whatever, it's all above board. Most Relationships start off with sharing a common interest; the days out cycling, sightseeing creating memories that lead to intimacy. Surely people remember that moment when they realised they were in love..it wasn't during the candlelight dinner, it was when they were running through the rain together, when they were walking through the woods and both bent down to look at the injured bird...that's when those moments are created. Sharing a hobby with another female in a group is fine, but if you're married, I would beware of one to one activities.
The candlelight dinner is just confirmation of the obvious.

Presumably a bisexual partner wouldn't be allowed any friends at all.

After all is said and done here, he will either have had an affair with Miss Whizzy or he won't. It's a bit of a Schroedinger's Bike Ride at the moment.

But one thing is definite. Regardless of the outcome, you don't trust your DH.

I read your post and felt cross on your behalf as I would hate DH doing this. It would also be very unusual for him though as he doesn't see his male mates that often.

But then I read one of the previous posts about cycling being a shared hobby and I thought about it in the context of my hobby (not cycling but time consuming, physical and doesn't involve DH) and I would happily spend the day doing my hobby with a bloke if that's who I had befriended. I would obviously make sure DH knew. So I wouldn't be instantly worried.

My gut instinct is that its not quite right. Percentage wise I'd say this is 5% legit and 95% dodgy - even if he has not admitted it to himself. I have known men who can actually kid themselves they are just offering friendship whilst simply denying an underlying attraction simply because they have not overtly acted on it. I hope Im wrong but you asked and this is my knee jerk response.

Another thought - IME, purely platonic male / female relationships are more rare than hens teeth. Maybe thats just me though!!

Was it Lundy Bancroft who said that a good marriage is where you build walls around your primary relationship with windows into your secondary relationships, and an affair begins when you build a wall around that relationship with only a window into your marriage? I am sure I read something like that.

I think that in this case, the walls around the husband and friend are being built and are keeping the OP out.

wildwillow

IME, purely platonic male / female relationships are more rare than hens teeth. Maybe thats just me though!!

Agreed and in fact I would go further and say they only exist due to circumstances , one partner would always want more if they were able to. To those that vehemently deny that fact you are either in denial or it is the other friend that wants more

To those that vehemently deny that fact you are either in denial or it is the other friend that wants more

Reeeeeaaally not sure that applies to so many of my male friends, although I'm not saying these men are my bezzies.

Funnily (given the context of the thread) they are all people with whom I have a shared hobby. I also have many female friends through this shared hobby. The men are of all ages from teens right up to OAPs, some are the husband's of women who enjoy this hobby, some I've known for years and some are brand new, some I enjoy the company of more than others - although that really doesn't matter because were it not for the hobby I would not spend time with any of them.

If I'm off at some event surrounding this activity there may be the occasion to go off and do other things; pubs, sights, meals. It wouldn't be unheard of to go and do one of these things with an individual person of the opposite sex. Or indeed of the same sex. If I were to tell my dp what I'd done that day I would say "I went to a pub with Danny in between my activity". I would think it was odd if he then asked me to clarify Danny's gender and sexual orientation ...but that's just me.

eatsleep

But have you ever completely sacked off the hobby and spend a whole day with "Danny"? Thats the difference here.

and spent/to spend!

^He's a bloke - he'll be sh4gg1ng her, guaranteed.
Get on his case NOW^

Not according to Beefstealer he won't, cos they jus fwends

Bogeyface, no indeed.

I'm not sure I've had the opportunity but I would have to be pretty frickin' insensitive to do that, but only because I understand my dp's expectations. Perhaps this guy really is dense or perhaps OP has never told him before now how this would make her feel.

Hopefully he will immediately become more considerate and he will be redeemed. If he isn't.... then I will cry red flag.

and spent/to spend

Bogeyface, where??

Guess that makes us sad old fashioned controlling types then. But controlling types who have managed to combine a happy successful relationship with a decent circle of friends for 25 years

Exactly.

Bogeyface, where??

No, I see it, I thought you meant me

Not only sacked off the hobby but came home, saw your partner was mooching about and instead of saying, hey me and Danny are going for lunch, do you want to come, you just left?

I am incredulous that people deliberately keep their new friends away from their partners, go out with them and their partners are meant to nod blindly and go 'oh well, dear, I trust you'