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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to feel a little miffed that DH is out for the day with a female friend

589 replies

skinofthericepudding · 20/03/2016 10:03

My DH told me a few days ago that he'd be out cycling today. and would need the car. I asked a couple of days ago what time he would be back, and he said late afternoon. I happened to ask who he was cycling with (he belongs to a couple of cycling groups) and he said that it was a female friend. He has met her few times for lunch etc and they have been to a local town for the day together for lunch and sight seeing. They used to work together and I have to admit that they probably have more shared interests than we do! I have never met her, but can't help feeling a little put out that he's spending Sunday with her. AIBU?

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 21/03/2016 11:33

Any, well, I don't happen to think that meeting up with a friend of the opposite sex is 'going on a date', so I can't meaningfully answer that question can I.

AnyFucker · 21/03/2016 11:35

You don't consider these repeated trips for "lunch and sightseeing" (how many sights are there to see in an area local to both parties ? Confused ) and the latest blatant cover story for what was actually just another date to be concerning at all ?

if your partner was doing this, you would genuinely be ok with it ?

Sallystyle · 21/03/2016 11:38

OL, clearly this man is going on dates with the 'friend'

It was quite clear from the start, due to his drip feeding.

If my husband went out bike riding then ended up going for lunch and a nice walk with a new 'friend' instead then yes, it would cause massive issues and I would consider packing his bags because he clearly has no boundaries or respect for me.

Nothing wrong with opposite sex friendships. A whole lot of wrong with this one.

OnlyLovers · 21/03/2016 11:41

I can't see why it can automatically be considered a 'blatant cover story'. And both DP and I go for lunch/dinner/pub/coffee and cake/strolls along the South Bank/wanders through Soho etc etc with friends of the opposite sex without the other in attendance, so yeah, I guess I would be/am OK with it.

whois · 21/03/2016 11:42

Going biking with a friend of the opposite sex = fine in my eyes as its about the biking.

Taking the car leaving OP stuck at home, sacking off the bike ride in favour of a county walk and a pub lunch is NOT ok for me. Clearly it's about spending time together and if be upset if DP wanted to spend a precious Sunday with another woman.

AnyFucker · 21/03/2016 11:45

You think OP is wrong to be concerned then, OL ?

OnlyLovers · 21/03/2016 11:53

I think people on this thread are jumping to massive conclusions, mainly.

But the OP says her DH 'seemed really surprised that I had even considered that they might be up to something.' So he's either a good actor or he is just friends with this woman.

donajimena · 21/03/2016 11:54

Wow. Another uncool one here. If my partner told me he was doing similar I'd say 'absolutely, you have the right to choose who you socialise with but leave your key on the worktop'
I have male friends my partner has female friends but they are old long established ones. A new female friend over a cosy lunch? Fuck right off! We have both spoken about this and we both agree that it would never be appropriate.
I do think a lot of you are incredibly naive.

AnyFucker · 21/03/2016 11:55

Of course he will be "surprised". If he is up to something, do you think he would hold his hands up and say "you got me, sarge" ?

OnlyLovers · 21/03/2016 11:56

Well, no, but as I said, he's either good at acting surprised or he really is surprised because they're just friends.

AnyFucker · 21/03/2016 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RhombusRiley · 21/03/2016 11:59

Yes my ex is brilliant at the "oh I'm so shocked and amazed you would accuse me of such a thing" look of surprise Hmm

Was I right in what I was accusing him of? Usually yes.

oldlaundbooth · 21/03/2016 12:01

Anyone who thinks this is innocent is a total fool.

Pub lunch and a walk? Give me a break.

He's got face has this chap, I'll tell you that much.

CatThiefKeith · 21/03/2016 12:04

My best friend is a man. He is godfather to our dd, and he and dh get on well.

Neither of us cycle, but traditionally if it snows we go sledging (we've been doing this for 30 odd years). Dh wouldn't need to ask, because I would just say 'I'm going sledging with x' probably followed up with 'wanna come?'

The underhand leaving out of details would have my spidey senses tingling in the ops situation.

theredjellybean · 21/03/2016 12:04

I don't think that having friends of the opposite sex that you have met through and pursue a hobby with is anything to get flustered about.

However ....there are so many red flags going off in the wind here....sorry OP but if he had said 'oh on sunday xxxx and me are meeting to do cycle training' that sounds fine/nice/normal. But actually what happened was no cycling so instead of saying to this friend ...'oh bugger, well never mind , do you need a lift home' and coming home to see if you would like a nice walk and pub lunch he went and did it with her. he could have called and told you no cycling and come back and collected you to join in walk and lunch ....but he didn't.

I am usually very level and see both sides etc etc but this is an affair ...either waiting to happen or already happening.

And i speak from experience ....having ashamedly been the OW once.

DryIce · 21/03/2016 12:09

Never has it been made so clear to me that each relationship has its own unique 'rules' and levels of acceptability!

I personally would have no problem with what your husband did. My husband has always had female friends, and we both value time spent with our friends on our own, as well as together.

However I am not in your relationship. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, or 'second best' for not being his choice of partner for a Sunday - I really think the only way to get past this is talk to him about your concerns, and together come up with a plan of behaviour that you're both happy with. Perhaps if he rides with her, and you meet them both for lunch afterwards. Or he only goes out for the morning, rather than all day.

oldlaundbooth · 21/03/2016 12:09

Me too Anyfucker.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/03/2016 12:20

yanbu

I would say more but you have 200 posts saying the same

roundaboutthetown · 21/03/2016 12:21

I wouldn't want my dh to make a new, female friend that he didn't appear to want me to get to know, too, but with whom he wanted to spend his weekends. Clearly he's getting something from her he doesn't think he's getting from you, and it's not just an enthusiasm for cycling.

beefthief · 21/03/2016 12:24

I'm seriously impressed with the range of reaching in this thread!

From vague details from the OP, we've got complaints that the cycle maintenance knowledge doesn't add up, "it's an affair" stated as absolute fact, questioning why two outdoorsy people wanted to make the best of a broken bike, and people who don't want to accept that others can be friends without banging, illustrated through a series of illogical questions. "But why didn't he..."

If you read and twist everything the OP says as uncharitably as possible, then it doesn't sound good. But who does that to someone they love and have spent 18 years with? That's fairly unpleasant behaviour. There's no actual proof whatsoever that he's told a single lie. In fact, it's his own words that are being thrown back in his face!

Sorry if you've had a bad experience or been cheated on, but your happiness is your own responsibility. She knew he was going out for the day, but chose to make no alternate plans whatsoever. Doesn't even have the gumption to book a trip out. Sits at home sulking. If I'd come home from a bike ride to that, it would take the shine off my hobby completely, and frankly, make me think less of my partner.

Unless there's any proof whatsoever that he lied, I don't see that there's a leg to stand on, other than letting him enjoy his hobby.

MitzyLeFrouf · 21/03/2016 12:26

Most people have friends of the opposite sex don't they? That's normal and healthy obviously. But this set-up does sound suss to me.

roundaboutthetown · 21/03/2016 12:28

Unless his hobby is the woman he had lunch with, he didn't enjoy his hobby. If I were him, I would have phoned my DW to tell her the ow's bike was broken and did she want to join them for a walk and lunch at the pub, instead.

OnlyLovers · 21/03/2016 12:29

YES, beefthief.

donajimena · 21/03/2016 12:30

Even if it is an academic debate I think its always good to see the differing responses Smile

beefthief · 21/03/2016 12:35

roundaboutthetown

You seem very certain of that. Few questions

  • Did they meet at a place close enough to home to make a viable journey back to collect his wife?
  • Given that the OP has stated she goes on walks with her husband, why do you assume that walking is not his hobby?
  • Did OP tell her husband beforehand that she was going to sulk at home all day, and that would come with him if plans changed?
  • When did the bike break down, and how drastically did this change their plans?