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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to feel a little miffed that DH is out for the day with a female friend

589 replies

skinofthericepudding · 20/03/2016 10:03

My DH told me a few days ago that he'd be out cycling today. and would need the car. I asked a couple of days ago what time he would be back, and he said late afternoon. I happened to ask who he was cycling with (he belongs to a couple of cycling groups) and he said that it was a female friend. He has met her few times for lunch etc and they have been to a local town for the day together for lunch and sight seeing. They used to work together and I have to admit that they probably have more shared interests than we do! I have never met her, but can't help feeling a little put out that he's spending Sunday with her. AIBU?

OP posts:
Abed · 21/03/2016 12:39

I agree with beefthief, this thread is hysterical.

Janecc · 21/03/2016 12:42

The story does sound strange. He did an activity with this woman, which he knows you love doing op. And yes, I imagine amateur cyclists can fix many problems. They cycle miles in the middle of nowhere - it'd be a long walk home otherwise.
If it were my husband and a completely innocent walk/lunch, I'm pretty sure it would never have occurred to my husband to call and ask if I wanted to join them for said walk. My husband also drip feeds things to me when he knows I'm going to object or he knows he's being unfair. It doesn't necessarily mean it's suspicious.
i don't think you will be able to decide whether or not you are happy for your husband to keep seeing this woman until you have met her. And just a one off meeting will not be enough. If he wants you to trust this friendship as just platonic, then you will need some very big assurances. He may think it's platonic but some people can be very manipulative to get what they want and this woman may well have set her sights on him. I would keep a close eye until you are sure.
My dh had a good platonic female friend. He lost contact with her. I had no objection to them being alone together because I could see she posed no threat. Some of the other women she hung out with were a different story.....

ruthieruthuk · 21/03/2016 12:50

How would he feel if it was the other way round? U choosing to spend time with a male friend, maybe u could play a game with him see what his reaction is..

beefthief · 21/03/2016 12:52

Good one, ruthieruthuk you should play with his emotions and feelings, so you can "see what his reaction is". Christ, please never give anyone any advice ever again.

blindsider · 21/03/2016 12:55

skinofthericepudding

Well, he returned and said that her bike had had a fault, so they went for a walk in the countryside and had lunch out instead.

That is the point he should have called you and arranged for you to join them. That sounds desperately dodgy to me.

Abed · 21/03/2016 12:55

Yeah how mature Hmm

If my wife started playing games rather than behaving like the adult she's meant to be I'd be considering her maturity.

blindsider · 21/03/2016 12:57

Mitzy

Most people have friends of the opposite sex don't they?

Other than the wives of friends, or married women NO not a single one!!

OrraBoralis · 21/03/2016 12:57

Beefthief OP already said that her husband needed the car. She also said that her husband prefers to cycle. As to your other two bullet points well I really have no words.
You are playing devils advocate, badly.

A man cycling with a woman is not bad. A man taking the car and not telling his wife who he is cycling with until asked is not good. A man telling wife that cycling partners bike broke so they went for a walk and lunch is fucking horrible.

I feel very sorry for you OP. I hope you and your husband can sort this out Flowers

MitzyLeFrouf · 21/03/2016 13:00

Other than the wives of friends, or married women NO not a single one!!'

So you have friends who are of the opposite sex then.

Abed · 21/03/2016 13:02

And FYI, not all of my female friends are married and the same goes to my wife's male friends.

beefthief · 21/03/2016 13:05

Orra, my wording was slightly sarcastic in exasperation at the blind certainty in the post. More generally: We don't know where he went, how far he traveled, why he wanted to walk (a hobby) when he couldn't cycle (a hobby). I refer you back to my earlier post - this is a thread of guesswork and assumption, with a huge touch of privilege. It's doing the OP, who isn't helping herself anyway, a huge disservice.

RockUnit · 21/03/2016 13:06

So how are you today OP?

blindsider · 21/03/2016 13:06

So you have friends who are of the opposite sex then.

Not single ones no. They are 'couple friends' (IYSWIM)

Superwitchy · 21/03/2016 13:08

Op, it sounds like your dh has become complacent about your relationship. He sounded surprised that you'd ask if anything was going on because he's convinced himself you wouldn't care. It isn't acceptable to spend a lovely weekend day with a woman friend, they could def have invited you once they decided not to cycle (if that's even true) If it's not physical now it sounds at least like an EA and I'd be hearing loud alarm bells if it were me. Prepare yourself if you can, for whatever comes next. I doubt he will want to stop seeing her.

beefthief · 21/03/2016 13:11

Hahahaha

TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/03/2016 13:12

Well I just can't see how this friends thing works. I have longstanding male friends I would go for a day out or lunch with. Though DP would probably come too because he likes my male friends.

I also have newer male friends from a couple of group things I do. If one of my newer male friends said "Do you fancy going to the cinema/dinner/for a walk next week Tink? Well I just wouldn't. It would feel wrong and too datelike.

And DH would not be happy, and I would not be happy if the tables are turned.

Guess that makes us sad old fashioned controlling types then. But controlling types who have managed to combine a happy successful relationship with a decent circle of friends for 25 years.

OnlyLovers · 21/03/2016 13:17

Tinkly, how do you make the distinction between 'datelike' things and 'acceptable' things to do with a male friend?

Or is it because they're newer friends?

Either way, I'm not understanding it at all.

And, for interest's sake, I have also managed to combine a happy successful relationship with a decent circle of friends for, not quite 25 years, but getting on for 20 (since I met DP).

barbarossa · 21/03/2016 13:17

He's a bloke - he'll be sh4gg1ng her, guaranteed.
Get on his case NOW

blindsider · 21/03/2016 13:21

Barbarossa

He's a bloke - he'll be sh4gg1ng her, guaranteed.

LOL

Marynary · 21/03/2016 13:22

But the OP says her DH 'seemed really surprised that I had even considered that they might be up to something.' So he's either a good actor or he is just friends with this woman.

Do you really think that is a sign that he isn't up to anything? It could just be surprised (and guilty) that she is finally suspicious considering that he has been on lunches or sightseeing before and OP has (presumably) never commented.
If you honestly wouldn't be very suspicious if your DP was behaving like this then you are very naive/gullible.

roundaboutthetown · 21/03/2016 13:24

I agree, TinklyLittleLaugh. I have plenty of male friends, but I expect them also to be friends with my dh. The idea of wanting to pursue a relationship with someone of the opposite sex that took up half my weekend and deprived my dh of transport and from which my dh was entirely excluded strikes me as somewhat bizarre. This is someone the dh has worked with, has lunches with, goes sightseeing with, cycle rides and walks with. Seems to me it's only the cycling in that list which doesn't interest the OP particularly, yet he has never introduced this friend to her. That is just weird - she is clearly of more interest to him than a mere cycling companion, yet he keeps the two women apart.

Marynary · 21/03/2016 13:24

And, for interest's sake, I have also managed to combine a happy successful relationship with a decent circle of friends for, not quite 25 years, but getting on for 20 (since I met DP).

Did you meet when you were children then?

OnlyLovers · 21/03/2016 13:27

Did you meet when you were children then? Confused

Sorry, I don't understand.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/03/2016 13:30

I think it is a newer friend thing Only. The scenarios you describe would not work for me. I'd be happy for my DH to wander down the South Bank with an old friend. I would not be happy about him doing it with someone he had just met.

Men and women often become friends as a prelude to getting together. Doing one on one things is part of that. I only see the necessity for a man and woman to be doing one on one stuff with a new person if they are thinking of getting together.

That sounds really stupid and crazy and irrational. But it's how I feel. I reckon it's how most people feel. Cultural norms and all that.

As an aside my DD laughed at me when I told her teenage lads mostly decide they want to be your mate because they find you attractive. After quite a few awkward scenarios she concedes I was right.

OnlyLovers · 21/03/2016 13:32

The thing I don't get about this old friends v new friends idea is that all old friends were new once.