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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This Childs tantrum has been made into a much bigger deal than needed?

110 replies

WeDoNotSow · 19/03/2016 16:26

Dp cousin was at ours with his DD.
When she left she was carrying a couple of DS's toy cars. I said to her 'goodbye X, can I have DS's car back please?'
She clutched on to them tighter, so I looked at her dad, who was just looking at me.
Then he then SIGHED and said 'X give sow the cars back', X starts crying.
DP then said 'oh don't worry, you can have them' so I said 'No she can't, they're not hers'
X then had a massive tantrum, 10 minutes later dad had managed to get the cars off her and left.
DP then asked me why I made such a big deal about it, as 'they were only cheap', and I said it didn't matter, they didn't belong to her, so does she just take home any of his toys she wants? He said obviously not, so I asked ok, what value do we go up to then?
He looks really confused and told me I made it into a much bigger thing than it needed to be?
I would NEVER let my DC leave another persons house with toys that didn't belong to them, regardless of they were 'cheap' or not.
I'm Hmm at the whole thing

OP posts:
GeorgeTheThird · 19/03/2016 18:35

It's the principle. You don't take someone else's toys home when you leave. Low key, calm, but no. Her dad was being crap.

pigeonpoo · 19/03/2016 18:39

I'm fretting now. At 3 I expect tantrums par for the course.

But I honestly expect them to be over with by 5. Am I expecting too much?

mrsjskelton · 19/03/2016 18:40

Oh wow, year 1 and tantrums like that! YADNBU!

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 19/03/2016 18:40

OP, YANBU. You did exactly the right thing.

It's neither the cost of the toy nor the sentimental value. It's the principle. It didn't belong to her, it hasn't been offered to her by the current owner. Even if they've been sat in a box untouched for a year, it's not ever ok to take someone else's stuff. Nice clear easy rule. I won't judge whether the child was young to try her luck, but the reaction of her father was bizarre.
I think - and I'm not justifying it - that some parents have weird expectations of children older than their own. They expect a sort of selfless generosity, almost as if the 6yo here is an adult.
There's a child in my family parented along those lines. He's 8 years older than my DS, and 5 years younger than my DSis. His mother always expected an awful lot of accommodation towards him from DSis (relinquishing of toys, silence after his v early bedtime, sharing of food etc) but doesn't expect him to do anything of the sort for my DS. Which is fine this end - I don't expect my house guests to be silent after 8pm or to give DS something simply because he wants it, but it is irksome to remember the difference!

JuxtapositionRecords · 19/03/2016 18:44

You were definitely right. Can't believe your DBro would even mention keeping them!

Although FWIW my inlaws do this and it drives me insane. Since my DC were small if they form a remote interest in anything at their house the GP's say 'oh let them keep it and take it home'. I try and say no but it looks rude. We have come away with old teddies, various blankets and even cutlery ffs. Cue a period where the DC thought this was the norm at every house they went to Hmm

DisneyMillie · 19/03/2016 18:48

You were totally in the right. I could understand it if the child was 2 or 3 maybe (although still wouldn't give them the cars) but not from a yr 1 child. My dd is year 1 and I can't imagine her or any of her friends doing that - she must have learnt a tantrum gets her own way.

Scaredycat3000 · 19/03/2016 18:50

I always tread more carefully with reprimanding family member's kids because the last thing you want is a lasting resentment among the adults.
I'm expected to do this with B/SIL, their DC2 has been attacking my DC since they mobile enough to get to my DCs. She no longer hurts one of them every other time we see them, she now hurts both of them every time we see them. There is now resentment, my DC don't like her, I feel I've let my DC down, my DC know I've let them down. Next time we see them I'm standing up for my DC, selfish lazy adults who bring up selfish lazy DC are not more important to me than my own DC.
OP YANBU

BertieBotts · 19/03/2016 18:50

Pigeon it depends on the DC.

Lurkedforever1 · 19/03/2016 18:50

pigeon tantrums are usually over by 6, unless there's sn or other valid reasons. However that depends on how you deal with them now.

Do you mostly
a) go down the route of ignoring/ not giving in etc
Or b) cram biscuits in his mouth to muffle the sounds, shove toys regardless of ownership in his hands, and say things like 'don't cry pfb mummy will buy you x, yes the other dc was bad, what can mummy get you' in a silly pandering voice.

If you answered a) then you'll be fine. If you answered b) the tantrums won't end. Ever. Grin

honkinghaddock · 19/03/2016 18:54

Or she might still be at or have just reached the tantruming stage. The op didn't do anything wrong but I don't think we can make assumptions about the child.

GingerIvy · 19/03/2016 18:55

pigeon my ds has autism, so he still struggles with it. I would say for the most part tantrums are over by 6, but any child on the odd occasion, when tired or at the end of their rope, may succumb.

pigeonpoo · 19/03/2016 18:58

Mines an excessive tantrummer. Entirely NT but a complete drama king who needs a lot of support with his emotions.

I usually bark "HAS THAT EVER WORKED?" bundle him over me and remove him to calm down. Once he has we usually chat things through but there would be no way he'd have the cars even if someone insisted I took them for him (as some folks do Hmm) rather than offend I take from them but still don't give the things to him. They go to charity or the bin depending on value. And he knows it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/03/2016 19:00

I usually bark "HAS THAT EVER WORKED?" That is exactly what I say!

Ilovenannyplum · 19/03/2016 19:00

No YANBU

They're not hers, and if you had allowed her to have them it would teach her that tantrums enable her to get her own way.

Never in a million years would I let DS take toys from someone else's home even if he asked really nicely!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 19/03/2016 19:01

Lurked the tantrums wont end. Ever.
Agree, and when they're older they're no longer labelled as tantrums. It's called being a diva or having a strop and plenty of adults act this way. Wink

pigeonpoo · 19/03/2016 19:04

Never in a million years would I let DS take toys from someone else's home even if he asked really nicely!

Round here every mum seems to suggest they choose something to borrow after play dates It's nailbiting till it's given back.

nooka · 19/03/2016 19:11

My ds was certainly throwing tantrums at 5, I would have thought that wasn't unusual at all. When he was still doing it at 7 he got assessed for SNs, but not diagnosed and he grew out of them fairly shortly afterward.

This situation just looks badly managed to me. The OP was of course right to ask the little girl to leave the cars behind. The dad was a bit inept, but perhaps that's because he knew that his dd would throw a tantrum and wasn't really in the mood for it. The DP was then incredibly unhelpful and it does sound like the OP was a bit short, and that might have triggered the tantrum. But it should already have been resolved by her dad really. That said stand offs between small children and adults often end in tears.

maydancer · 19/03/2016 19:12

if they are just very cheap trashy thgings are you sure your DS did not give or lend them to the child??

If I had been the girl's dad I would have made her return them (which he did) But if I had been the OP I would have said the girl could borrow them and return them next week because her upbringing is not my responsibility.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 19/03/2016 19:13

YNBU. They're your ds's property. It doesn't matter how cheap they are. How would your DH like it if someone gave some thing of his away.
The child is 5 so she's not a baby. I thought you were going to say. She was about 2.

ouryve · 19/03/2016 19:15

It doesn't matter if they are cheap. Your DS would probably miss them.

I would tell her that, but not to worry, I'm sure she'll be able to play with them again, next time she visits.

Original poster
WeDoNotSow · 19/03/2016 19:18

Maydancer
No her upbringing isn't my responsibility, but my sons is.
Do you think I did it to teach her a lesson? No, I did it so that my son knew that his possessions were not up for the taking

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 19/03/2016 19:31

I would have either said she could borrow them or taken them off her myself, picked her up and put her in her car seat myself.

I couldn't have stood watching a 10 minute tantrum.

eastwest · 19/03/2016 19:43

"Do you think I did it to teach her a lesson? No, I did it so that my son knew that his possessions were not up for the taking"

  • applauds.
Original poster
WeDoNotSow · 19/03/2016 19:43

I didn't fancy getting kicked Lynette!
No, I have no trouble physically removing things from my own DC, but I wouldn't with somebody else's (unless it was something that would hurt them)

OP posts:
EatingMyWords · 19/03/2016 19:58

Am I reading this differently to everyone else? Yes she should have given them back, but she only had a tantrum after she'd been told by your DP she could have them. No wonder she was upset when you said she couldn't have them.

This is your DP's fault not the girl or her dad.