This Childs tantrum has been made into a much bigger deal than needed?

[WeDoNotSow]

Dp cousin was at ours with his DD.
When she left she was carrying a couple of DS's toy cars. I said to her 'goodbye X, can I have DS's car back please?'
She clutched on to them tighter, so I looked at her dad, who was just looking at me.
Then he then SIGHED and said 'X give sow the cars back', X starts crying.
DP then said 'oh don't worry, you can have them' so I said 'No she can't, they're not hers'
X then had a massive tantrum, 10 minutes later dad had managed to get the cars off her and left.
DP then asked me why I made such a big deal about it, as 'they were only cheap', and I said it didn't matter, they didn't belong to her, so does she just take home any of his toys she wants? He said obviously not, so I asked ok, what value do we go up to then?
He looks really confused and told me I made it into a much bigger thing than it needed to be?
I would NEVER let my DC leave another persons house with toys that didn't belong to them, regardless of they were 'cheap' or not.
I'm at the whole thing

Bloody hell, very limp parenting from the two men. You did right.
My mum used to give away or throw away our stuff all the time (things we still used or played with, not old junk) and we hated it! I grew up to be obsessively possessive and territorial for a long time.
Don't even get me started on the long term perils of giving in to a tantrum particularly if the consequences affect another child. My toddler often takes a liking to toys at friend's houses or nursery but when it's time to go she has to give them back. She'll squawk for a few minutes and then forget it.

You were completely right. A year one child should know that throwing tantrums for any reason is completely unacceptable. No way should you give it to such obnoxious behaviour. Crikey if her parents haven't got a grip on this when she's 5 heaven help them when she's 15. They've got no chance.

I always found that distraction always diffused a tantrum so 'No' to the cars but come and choose a biscuit (e.g.) to take home.. or how about you bring some toys or books next time and you can agree a swap with my ds?

Very difficult if you are not in agreement with the parent but it sounds as though you took control of the situation.

Don't beat yourself up over it. It should soon be forgotten.

I wouldn't have let her take them. But I think that the manner in which their return was requested probably left something to be desired. It sounds like quite a sharp and critical way to be dealing with a child that age.

YANBU and I'd guess this child has learned that a good tantrum gets her what she wants and so she has tantrums. I get absolutely sick of parents who won't say 'no' to a child and mean it.

So next time she visits you, she'd better bring her own toys and play with them.

Some 5 year olds will still tantrum over things like that. My non nt 9 year old has only just started doing it. I agree that just giving in is not the way to deal with it though.

But OP shouldn't have had to ask for them back at all!

Poor little mite, I bet she doesn't have any toys of her own at home!
And I bet she never pulls this stunt at the shops, oh no.

Agree, poor parenting from the men.

How was it 'sharp and critical' Bill?
What should I have said?
I didn't criticise anyone, I just asked for the cars back?

I agree with BillS, instead of diffusing the tantrum or distracting the child, it turned into a dramatic stand off.
I always tread more carefully with reprimanding family member's kids because the last thing you want is a lasting resentment among the adults.

In principle, you are right to not let her take what she fancies, but it could have been handled less abruptly.

If he wants to resent me for asking his daughter to do something and not pussyfoot around then he can.

How is asking for something back abrupt?

I don't think op was sharp about it either. If it was my dd at that age trying to take another childs toys home I'd have wanted it dealt with in the same manner. Not someone simpering about biscuits and trying to persuade her thus implying it's ok to take other people's property. Although saying that if it had have been dd I would have factually said 'time to put his cars back now, I'm sure he'll let you play with them next time your here', rather than leaving it to op to bring up.

She wasn't tantruming (is that even a word?) before I asked!
Maybe I would have tried distraction if she was a toddler, but she's old enough to know better, and more importantly her father was standing there and I expected him to just tell her to give them back, I didn't expect to have a 'stand off' with someone who expected their daughter could take my sons toys home!!

I would have asked for the toys back, but said she could play with them next time and offered her a biscuit or something to eat in the car.

I don't think you were abrupt op, that was top notch bellendery from your dp though, offering her the cars when you had just said no..

The OP didn't handle it badly.

I don't think the kid was that awful really either though. These situations are just par for the course when there is a young child around.

Sometimes its reasonable to distract or diffuse the tantrum; but sometimes the answer is simply a firm "No", and a child needs to learn to deal with that word as we all do.

Ok she shouldn't take the toys at that age but I would not have bothered making a scene over a couple of cheapy cars

Had your DS told her she could have them? What did he make of the whole thing? It all seems very strange behaviours from a child that age.

I would be very shocked indeed if any of 5 yo DD's friends assumed they could take her toys home with them, and I know DD would never forgive us if we just let them. Unless she had offered the toys to them, of course.

I wonder if your DS had told her she could keep them and, in the confusion of the moment, she was unable to articulate that?? Possibly grasping at straws here!

The cost value of the cars is less important than their value to the OP's DS.

stuff that.

you don't take.otger kids toys home..end. of.

of course you asked for them.back.ajd.the dad's am. idiot for making the whole situation worse than.it needed to be by making you out to be the bad guy to get your own stuff back.

I would be wary of assuming a child is old enough to know better, unless you know the child very well, in which case you would have know she might react like this.

Ask DH if he'd be so quick to hand over his own stuff!

No fence he would have told me if he had said she could take them.

YWNBU.

Next time offer her something of DPs in exchange for DS's toys, as he's so cool about giving away other people's stuff. Perhaps his phone or ipad.

Asking for something back is not abrupt - she needs to learn that is not ok. Kids need to learn social rules. If she pulled that at a friends house and the toys disappeared I wouldn't be surprised if there was no invite back.