To think my children would be better raised by me

[kidscomefirstendof]

AIBU to think my children will be better off being raised by me, without a load of boyfriends, stepdads, and so on?

I feel it will be more stable for them to have one adult than someone who they don't even know living in their space?

I don't give a fuck any more to be honest.

Idiot

I probably am a bit, Trills, on this matter. It's not something I'd generally be accused of but its a touchy subject for me. Having said that some posts have made me think :)

I didn't say you did call, it's not all about you.

So, when kids are spending the weekend with their fathers (because not all exes disappear off the face of the earth) do you really think their mother should simply stay at home wringing her hands because they're not at home with her?

Or is she allowed a life?

Because suggesting that a woman should stay celibate when her kids are being perfectly well looked after by their other parent - or even loving grandparents - or else she is abandoning or neglecting those children, is a bit bonkers, to be honest.

Our, but having a life and having a partner aren't necessarily synonymous although please understand I am not saying in the circumstances you describe its 'wrong.'

Gently it's true what you say, but I think what makes me sad about many cases is that children start life as a much wanted baby and then get discarded

Have you been sniffing glue? Op I think you need to go seek councilling. It's really not healthy to be putting these views on to your children

It seems OP had a bad experience herself as a child with a step parent/s.

I had a bad experience growing up with parents who stated together in a toxic, hate-filled relationship. Yet throughout my childhood I'd have always said I didn't want them to split up. It was only as an adult I could see things clearly.

I think my DSS is pretty lucky as step kids go, to have separated parents who remain good friends, co parent him together and are both in stable 'new' (so to speak) relationships where everyone gets on.

Yet would DSS probably say he'd prefer for his parents to be still together, or for him to always have the undivided attention of living with only his parents and no stepparents? Yes, quite probably. But it's a fantasy, he has no idea what the reality of that would really be like. If his parents had stayed together in a sad, loveless relationship. Or the negative consequences if not having his stepparents around. He would only imagine the fantasy good stuff.

I think you're supposed to spend the week self flagellating and crying in front of pictures of them, callit. Bad mum if you don't.[eyeroll]

OP: what you don't seem to understand is that people organise their lives and the relationships they have (whether those are friendships, family relationships or sexual ones) in a huge variety of ways none of which are inherently wrong. The more children grow up in happy households which contain one celibate parent, a lesbian/gay couple of parents, one parent and a variety of visiting friends, or a poly tribe of some sort, the better. Longterm heterosexual monogamy is just one option among many.

I agree with you that there can be a certain amount of unjustifiable pressure on single mothers to date men when they don't want to - there is certainly, still, a degree of cultural unease around the idea of a woman refusing to have, or look for, a male 'owner' but this applies to women without children as well. If you are being pestered by friends or family to start dating again, I appreciate that this may be annoying, but that doesn't mean you get to insist that everyone else should live their lives exactly the way you do.

When my son was younger, I used to go to swingers' parties and have group sex sessions with three or four men at a time. I enjoyed it, my son enjoyed staying overnight with his grandparents, or having his dad come and look after him, and everyone got to win.

Callidelta does deserve an apology - her comment about her boyfriend having only met her DCs at the door when they've gone out on a date is less contact than most DCs have with their mum's friends. Have you got yoru DCs permission for all your friendships? Have you 'brought someone into their lives' (ie. invited a mate in for a cuppa) without getting their permission first?

Chosing to be single because you want to be single is fine. Chosing to be single because you can't comprehend dating someone without moving on to swiftly living together and assume that it's not possible to have a romantic relationship without putting the man's needs first, says more about how you view romantic relationships.

DH and I lived apart for years when we were first dating, no DCs - just having to live in different cities due to work/study commitments, many friends just couldn't get their heads round being happy to have a partner you didn't see daily, or indeed sometimes go a fortnight or more without seeing due to work stuff.

Many people really can only comprehend a "grown up relationship" as spending a lot of time together, and automatically moving towards co-habiting within a year or it's "going nowhere". There are many other forms of relationships - you seem sadly very close minded about what the options are and judgemental of those who have decided to take other paths.

Councilling as in running for local election or counselling as in discussing why I really don't want to move a man in?

It's perfectly healthy to be extremely cautious about the huge implications of bringing someone into a step parenting role and to be reluctant to do so, maybe it's not for everyone but it doesn't mean I need 'councilling.'

Gently, yes, I do see that too. I do know a couple of positive step parenting relations but these are when the stepparent isn't really if you see what I mean - he's not the child's biological father but is in every other case. I'm saying father not because I'm sexist but just don't know any stepmothers at present. Mine was awful

Thanks, solid interesting points.

I don't think anyone's a bad mum. I did concede it was my issue, I clearly said 'I accept that is my issue.'

Actually I should have said 'two out of my three stepmothers were awful!' One was nice. It's easy to forget that though as I have 13 years of bad steps and 3 years of good!

OP - you keep going on about "moving a man in" but completely failing to see many, many single parents date but don't move their partner in.

OK, if you really don't want a relationshp if it doesn't involve co-habiting and completely sharing your life with them, then fine - sign up for single life until your DCs have left home. If you don't want anyone in your life romantically, again, fine, you don't need a partner.

But there's a middle ground -dating/shagging someone without ever bringing them into your home to share your day to day life.

Being in a relationship with you does not mean a man needs to be in a relationship with your DCs, unless you want that to happen.

Call I am not apologising for answering a question you asked me honestly, I was not talking about you when i started this thread, but you have turned it into a discussion about your life and then got the rage when I didn't approve of everything you have done, which overlooks the fact you have expressed similar disapproval about my life.

I did not start the thread to hurt your feelings but you have metaphorically been leaping around it wearing a luminous tabard and then acted wounded when attention is focused on you.

An anonymous person on the internet wouldn't make the same choices as you, I think you'll live

True dino but I think most people (and yes there are exceptions I know) have a long term view to moving in together

I was raised by a single mother.

I sometimes used to wish she'd go out on dates, socialise, have a life, get a boyfriend. Then maybe she'd have stopped trying to micromanage my life, my boyfriends, my social life.

Being single by choice is perfectly reasonable, as is choosing to date/have relationships.

My mum kicked out my abusive dad when I was 5. She had exactly the same view as the OP, chose to stay single, didn't want to put dating in front of me and DB. She was an excellent mum and I'm very proud of her. I'm happily married and so her not being in a relationship hasn't effected my ability to have strong long term relationship.
However, because my mums life revolved around me I shoulder a huge amount of guilt. She would hate that I feel that but I do. She has fantastic friends and a great social life but all her friends are in relationships. I take her on holidays, which means that I have less holiday time to play with out of my 4 weeks a year, but if I didn't she would go on holidays, at Christmas I can't alternate between DH family and mine as I feel guilt that she'll be on her own, I feel I can't move far away etc. she does nothing to intentionally make me feel this way, anything I feel this way because she's been such a good mum! But I often wish she'd have met a partner. She's been single 35 years now and I don't think she'll ever have a partner again.

There you go, an unflattering view of me but I won't spend three pages demanding an apology and swearing about it, we can all voice opinions and sometimes those opinions will be wrong, live and let live

It's not just choosing not to have a BF though is it. You have quite extreme views on single mothers/parents meeting prospective partners. Your views are evident in the language that you have used.

The message you will be sending to your kids is that God forbid your marrage breaking up as you will be spend a long time on your own and if you don't you are clearly putting your children at the bottom of the priority list.

You didn't have a step mother problem you had shit father problem. Parents like that are in the majority. It's sounds as if you are carrying a huge amount of baggage and need to talk about it professionally with some one

I think that goes both ways call.