Or is DP re paying babysitting money to look after sibling

[Shinyshoes2]

I have 3 children 18, 15 and 8
I have flexible working hours which allows me to work opposite DP's shifts so there is always one of us at home
On the odd opportunity we both work at the same time at weekends just to earn a bit of overtime , when this happens 15 yo ds has 8 yo dd for a small fee , he's doong U.S. a favour by having her
I had arranged to meet my neice this Sunday , dp was originally at home but has arranged to go into work for overtime
This time ive asked 18 yo d's to have her , however DP dosent want to pay him as he Dosent have a job and thinks he should be doing it as part of his ' keep '
I disagree I think he should get paid the same amount as 15 yo ds would have done
18 yo DOSEN'T contribute financially at all to our home and really dosent contribute to the household in terms of chores either ... He's supposed to hoover every Wednesday and Saturday but to be honest he disappears for days on end so we don't know when we are going to see him next
I'm putting this to the MN vote
Aibu for thinking he should be paid the same as his brother would have done Or
is DP BU for saying he shouldn't be paid ??

He quit his apprenticeship as it pays peanuts yet has no income at all and can can afford to smoke weed.
Does that mean you give him pocket money?

Regards to giving him money
I did ... But I stoppped about 5 months ago
I don't know where he gets money from if he gets money at all
Afaik he could be poncing weed off his mates
I know ive got to get tough .... I don't see him as an adult ... I see him as my din , my child , one that needs looming after and it dosent stop because he's reached 18 yo
Thanks for the replies I appreciate every one of them
It's frightening being 18 .. I was there once .. I was as scared as hell

Bottom line - it's so comfy at home and all needs are met - so why go through the hassle of an application for benefits?

Home needs to be less comfy and meet less needs.
When op says she is already washing and ironing clothes and it's easy to do his...she is actually enabling her ds1 to continue in the idle fashion he has he has come to enjoy....to the point of can't be arsed going to see about benefits....but still seeks new trainers !!

I don't know where he gets money from if he gets money at all
Afaik he could be poncing weed off his mates

Or helping deal it?

Why is it frightening being 18?

He isn't doing anything because he doesn't have too as you see him as a child and there are no consequences to his action.
He is angry at his dad for trying to parent him properly.

And I agree with curren, he must be getting money from somewhere.

at 19 i was living away from home and was fully independent...........never threw a tantrum because my parents were refusing to but shoes for an ADULT who was CAPABLE of looking after themself.

you're not doing him any favours by projecting your own 18 yr old experiences on him. he has no intention of getting paid work or doing something constructive with his life cos he KNOWS how to play your emotions.

it is possible to love him and be his mum while your teaching him how to be an independent adult. he' needs tough love, not mollycoddling.

Goodness I didn't know that mothers all started to refuse to put their children's washing in the machine at midnight on the day of their 18th birthday. Mine were still at school working hard on their A levels. I slipped up there.

Mine were still at school working hard on their A levels. I slipped up there.

is that what the ops son is doing? Nope so not relevant.

The ops 18 year old does nothing around the house or work or study. So no I wouldn't be doing his washing.

My 12 year puts the washing on, even if it's just once a week. How does doing a-levels stop people putting the washer on now and then?

Actually I do think that being 18 and not having any idea what you want to do with your life which is presumably the situation the OPs son is in is very frightening. He needs lots of support.

He needs a kick up the backside too. Support is fine too, but a bit of tough love doesn't go amiss.

A levels didn't stop them doing any of the chores that they were assigned around the house, but it is more the implication that once a child becomes an adult he is no longer part of the family but an adult who happens to live in your house.

I don't think anyone is saying that though. An adult who isn't employed in any other way does need to pull their weight around the home. Teaching your children a good work ethic is invaluable for their future.

Yes I totally agree Fireside. I should have added that! I had a son who at 19 needed lots of support and kicks at the same time. At 21 he has a steady job and is doing just great.

And he does his own washing :)

A levels didn't stop them doing any of the chores that they were assigned around the house,

So they did do chores. Those chores just happened not to be washing? what does it matter what the chore is?

When an adult becomes, well, an adult. They need to take some responsibility for themselves.

The OPs son isn't taking any responsibility for himself, at all. But expecting everything to be done for him. And the op is doing it.

They did chores that helped us a family. So in the case of the now infamous washing they would be asked to gather up the whole families and put it in the machine. I wouldn't tell an 18 year old I would no longer be doing his washing as though he were living in a house share. Enough about washing I think!!