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AIBU?

Or is DP re paying babysitting money to look after sibling

91 replies

Shinyshoes2 · 18/03/2016 22:49

I have 3 children 18, 15 and 8
I have flexible working hours which allows me to work opposite DP's shifts so there is always one of us at home
On the odd opportunity we both work at the same time at weekends just to earn a bit of overtime , when this happens 15 yo ds has 8 yo dd for a small fee , he's doong U.S. a favour by having her
I had arranged to meet my neice this Sunday , dp was originally at home but has arranged to go into work for overtime
This time ive asked 18 yo d's to have her , however DP dosent want to pay him as he Dosent have a job and thinks he should be doing it as part of his ' keep '
I disagree I think he should get paid the same amount as 15 yo ds would have done
18 yo DOSEN'T contribute financially at all to our home and really dosent contribute to the household in terms of chores either ... He's supposed to hoover every Wednesday and Saturday but to be honest he disappears for days on end so we don't know when we are going to see him next
I'm putting this to the MN vote
Aibu for thinking he should be paid the same as his brother would have done Or
is DP BU for saying he shouldn't be paid ??

OP posts:

Report

SoupDragon · 19/03/2016 07:50

Personally, I wouldn't pay either of them but you need to treat them the same.

HermioneJeanGranger · 19/03/2016 08:00

Why does a 15 year old need to be the same was an adult?

SoupDragon · 19/03/2016 08:04

Because it is not fair to pay one of your offspring to babysit a sibling and not the other.

SoupDragon · 19/03/2016 08:04

The rest is a different issue really.

HermioneJeanGranger · 19/03/2016 08:07

I disagree. One is an adult, the other a teenager whose earning potential is limited due to his age. If 18yo isn't happy, he can go out and get himself a job. A 15yo doesn't have that opportunity.

If one was 14yo and the other 16yo, then yes, both should get paid, but the oldest is an adult. He can get a job if he wants more money.

Lightbulbon · 19/03/2016 08:15

"What mother wouldn't"

This one!!!!

No way I'd be washing and ironing for an unemployed adult!!

Op you are confusing 2 issues.

Re: babysitting you need to treat dcs equally.

Re: 18yo being a layabout- give him a good kick up the bum. He's not bothering because he has it too easy. Tell him to find a job or find somewhere else to live.

LynetteScavo · 19/03/2016 08:37

Does he even want to be paid? He doesn't seem bothered about having money if he can't be bothered to out in a claim.

But I would pay him to make sure he did a proper job and didn't just ignore the 8yo.

rightguard · 19/03/2016 08:42

I'm with your dh. 18 year old needs to pull his weight. I'd tell him the money he earn is being used towards his keep. (I'd also tell him to either get a job or help more around the house or find somewhere else to live. )

MrsJayy · 19/03/2016 08:47

I know he is lazy and faffing about but id pay him for the babysitting its a seperate issue him being a lazy arse which you need to sort out

harshbuttrue1980 · 19/03/2016 08:55

Why on earth did you allow him to quit an apprenticeship?? Apprenticeships are like gold dust where I live, and young people are desperate for them. Of course they don't pay well, but they are a route to a secure future with a trade.
Charge him £30 a week for living at home to cover his food etc. He will hten have the incentive to claim JSA while he looks for a job. Then I would actually pay him for the babysitting, as it means he can work for his spendies. If he wants a mobile phone etc, he can work for it by babysitting. I wouldn't pay him for things like taking his turn emptying the dishwasher, as that's just part of being a family, and if he eats the food he can help wash up. However, you chose to have more kids and he didn't get a say in it so I think babysitting should be paid. If he chooses not to claim JSA or work, then he will have to do babysitting to pay your £30 a week.

Shinyshoes2 · 19/03/2016 15:01

We didn't let him quit HarshButTrue he quit himself ... We told him to get back down there and get his job back but he refused ... Short of putting him in the car and taking him down there myself ( he would have left the minute my back was turned ) there wasn't ALOT I could have done about it
There's now a row about trainers
18yo said he needs trainers as he's walking around with holes in them
DP says there's AT LEAST 3 pairs at home that at worst have a tiny bit of wear but certainly not holey
18yo ds has now sent me a scathing text telling me he's taking drugs ( he smokes weed ) and how it's all my fault he does it as DP is the main priority and I don't put him first etc etc
DP is refusing to buy him trainers
I'm sat in the pub ( on my lunch break at work ) and if it wasn't for the fact it's packed , I'd have sat here and weeped into my very large glass of wine
I'm not going out tomorrow meeting my neice now that's been postponed ( nothing to do with this situ )

OP posts:

BloodyDogHairs · 19/03/2016 15:10

I'm with your DH, he shouldn't be paid.

vEGANvERA · 19/03/2016 15:10

Where does eldest dc get money from at moment?

hefzi · 19/03/2016 15:17

If he doesn't work and doesn't sign on, where's his weed money coming from?

QuiteLikely5 · 19/03/2016 15:17

How does he afford weed?

No I wouldn't be paying him. He needs a rocket up his a*

AgentZigzag · 19/03/2016 15:18

He's got some bloody cheek hasn't he?

It's your fault that another adult has made the choice to smoke weed because you're not paying him enough attention??

Boo-fucking-hoo hahahahaha, honestly, he ought to sell entrance tickets to his pity party, drum up some cash for you

(I only mean that lightheartedly, I know even though he's technically an adult that this is your baby/little boy we're talking about and you obviously love him tons)

ABitSensible · 19/03/2016 15:25

The problem is if you pay the 18yo the same its not fair on the 15 yo who is more responsible. So I owuld acutally pay him more for the additional chores he is doing.
I would be very appreciative of the 15yo to his face, and treat him as more of an adult. But not in such a way as to reflect on the 18yo, or make comparisons. Just a straight transaction between the two of you (and your DP and him).

I would also have a straight talk with the 18yo. Its frightening reaching adulthood and realising you have to just get on with it. He has home support but he's going to lose that if he carries on taking the piss. I would actually say that to his face. He needs to feel like you are on his side and supporting him, but that he will lose that unless he makes some changes.

firesidechat · 19/03/2016 15:28

Well I'm with your DH, but that'll be going against the tide here. An 18yo who does nothing at all is very different to a 15yo who's got school, homework, contributes to the household and babysits for pocket money regularly. You can only treat them fairly if their contribution is similar. It isn't. Mollycoddling an 18yo in the interest of being fair does them no favours in the long run.

I agree with ElderlyKoreanLady.

An able bodied lad of 18 should be "encouraged" by any means to go out and get a job. It wouldn't be tolerated in our house.

Ameliablue · 19/03/2016 15:35

He should be paid the same, however he should also be contributing to the household.

MardyGrave · 19/03/2016 15:53

Where does he get money from?

TiredOfSleep · 19/03/2016 16:15

My concern would be that if you didn't pay him, he'd leave you in the lurch. Not that paying him addresses the underlying problems.

He should be doing more around the house. Not just for himself but washing and ironing for others, and cooking, shopping too.

LaurieLemons · 19/03/2016 16:20

I actually agree with your DP after reading the full thread, although I wouldn't pay either of them. How does the older one get money? I would stop buying him anything eventually he will have to get off his arse and get a job.

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JanetOfTheApes · 19/03/2016 16:24

The obsession some mn'ers have with thinfs being g fair and equal is as weird as it us misguided. You don't need to treat them all the same. If one does chores and contributes and one does neither, you dont treat them the same, or all you're doing is telling the helpful one that he might as well not bother at all, that he'll be no worse off. You're also telling him you don't value him at all.
I wouldn't have an 18 living at home that wasn't either a student or have a job. Or at the very least looking for a job while cooking, cleaning and babysitting to earn their keep.

curren · 19/03/2016 16:39

Your 18 year old is acting like a spoilt brat.

I wouldn't be treating him the same as I treat a responsible 15 year old.

I wouldn't give a shit. I wouldn't be trusting him to look after his sibling either tbh.

AgentZigzag · 19/03/2016 16:58

Could your reluctance to use the leverage you have OP (options of stopping all money, laundry, cooking, demanding he does the hoovering, forcing him to claim JSA, stopping him treating your home like a doss house etc) maybe be bound up with a fear that you know he's going to start his independent life pretty soon and you don't want the looking after him part of being his Mum to end?

If you do I can fully understand why you might be being soft on him even when he's doing your head in (although I'm probably wrong and you can't wait to be shot of him lol).

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