Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DP re paying babysitting money to look after sibling

91 replies

Shinyshoes2 · 18/03/2016 22:49

I have 3 children 18, 15 and 8
I have flexible working hours which allows me to work opposite DP's shifts so there is always one of us at home
On the odd opportunity we both work at the same time at weekends just to earn a bit of overtime , when this happens 15 yo ds has 8 yo dd for a small fee , he's doong U.S. a favour by having her
I had arranged to meet my neice this Sunday , dp was originally at home but has arranged to go into work for overtime
This time ive asked 18 yo d's to have her , however DP dosent want to pay him as he Dosent have a job and thinks he should be doing it as part of his ' keep '
I disagree I think he should get paid the same amount as 15 yo ds would have done
18 yo DOSEN'T contribute financially at all to our home and really dosent contribute to the household in terms of chores either ... He's supposed to hoover every Wednesday and Saturday but to be honest he disappears for days on end so we don't know when we are going to see him next
I'm putting this to the MN vote
Aibu for thinking he should be paid the same as his brother would have done Or
is DP BU for saying he shouldn't be paid ??

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 18/03/2016 23:35

Was he contributing when he was in his apprenticeship?

If he was, 5-6 weeks isn't too long a time to be not working, it's just the problem of him getting him out of the routine of being a layabout.

Don't give him any money or buy him any extras? (like toiletries, food you know he likes, clothes) It can't be that simple can it?

Have you uttered the words 'This isn't a hotel you know' yet? (just trying to gauge whether you've hit rock bottom yet Grin)

TheCraicDealer · 18/03/2016 23:40

I do agree that you should make the current arrangement less "comfortable" for him. No toiletries or special treats bought for him, no spends, only giving lifts if it's to something like an interview or the job centre. These are things which come with getting off your arse and continuing his education, getting a job or even signing on, not from sitting about moping about the house. But I still think when he's doing you a favour (particularly childcare- it's not his DC) which his DB receives money for, you need to maintain a degree of parity.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 18/03/2016 23:41

If we're going to talk about fairness, how fair is it that 18yo who does nothing at all gets the same treatment the 15yo who does their fair share gets?

Original poster
Shinyshoes2 · 18/03/2016 23:45

No we weren't taking money of him whilst doing his apprentiship as the wage was so low
No I haven't told him 'it isn't a hotel ' Wink
I don't feel like he treats it as one
We don't put dinner aside for him much anymore as it was going in the bin but he has been turning up lately at dinner time or requesting a dinner , I buy deodorant for everyone so he uses that, I'm jot going to deny him a squirt of deodorant , I don't want any of my children to walk around stinking and I don't really but his clothes anymore
But I do his washing and ironing but I do everyone's , what mum wouldn't , it's no big deal to put on an extra couple loads on each week

OP posts:
Original poster
Shinyshoes2 · 18/03/2016 23:46

ElderlyKoreanLady ... That's what I'm trying to gauge
Who is BU ...

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/03/2016 23:47

Because EKL the 8yo are not his responsibility, childcare is an above and beyond favor

ElderlyKoreanLady · 18/03/2016 23:52

I'm with your DH Shiny, but do think there are other options for addressing the lack of contribution from the 18yo that would be agreeable to both you and DH if you're really against treating them differently on this particular issue Smile

Sock, babysitting isn't his responsibility, no, but contributing somehow is.

AgentZigzag · 18/03/2016 23:53

I would also start the dreaded JSA tactic of telling him you want to see (is daily a step too far?) proof of his job hunting.

Get him to show you his CV, what websites has he got sending him email alerts for vacancies, what searches has he got stored on them, what has the local rag thrown up on whatever job vacancies day it has, how do his skills apply to work he hasn't looked for yet?

My guess is that he's only looking for a job he actually wants to do long term and that's not right if he's not paying board and lodge.

Although being a sponger and professional doley is a job in itself and requires great skill and powers of avoidance , so in a way you should be proud that he's got this far Grin

TheCraicDealer · 18/03/2016 23:59

But I do his washing and ironing but I do everyone's , what mum wouldn't , it's no big deal to put on an extra couple loads on each week

You've got to stop thinking like this. He's an adult. Whilst I agree he shouldn't be made to provide free childcare, if he's not contributing either by helping around the house or paying keep then you shouldn't be running around after him. His life is very comfortable atm and in order to get him out of the rut he's in you need to try and make him want to change. Completing even a really small task, like washing, can actually instil a sense of achievement and responsibility.

I do have a lot of sympathy for him because I've been there to an extent, after uni. The days all merge into one, it's hard to motivate yourself to get up before midday because there's nothing to get up for, you see your mates and they're doing stuff and you're just treading water... It's very easy to allow yourself to get depressed and despondent, particularly when there's no 'push' to change. People who feel like that can also be a bit selfish in their outlook and not really consider the impact that they're having on the rest of the household.

Tutt · 18/03/2016 23:59

Siblings aren't built in baby sitters so yes he should get paid, however I would pay at a slighty lesser rate and explain why.
My 19 year old DS hasn't got a job but is in college 3 days a week, doesn't contribute with money and keep him, he does all the housework, dishwasher, mows lawns and does the gardening and he cooks on the nights he's not at college.
Your DS needs to learn what makes a family and a home run smoothly and that lide isn't a free ride.

HeddaGarbled · 19/03/2016 00:27

Your H is angry with him for giving up the apprenticeship so this argument isn't really about the babysitting money, it's about expressing your H's anger.

Your H needs to calm down and have a sensible and supportive discussion with his son about next steps and try and park all the stuff about chores and babysitting until the next steps are sorted because that is most important and throwing every single grievance, however justified, at him right now will be counterproductive.

maydancer · 19/03/2016 00:35

Yes I agree with HeddaGarbled Your DS needs a plan of action and at 18 he probably needs your help in drawing this up.

timelytess · 19/03/2016 00:38

Pay him for the childcare. Help him planning his next step/s in life.

Shelby2010 · 19/03/2016 00:48

While I agree that DS1 doesn't really 'deserve' the money, I think you should pay him. Firstly because if you don't he will probably just disappear off & leave you without a babysitter, and secondly it would be unfair not to. However whilst he is babysitting he should load/unload dishwasher, put the washing on, take DD out to the park & make her lunch (for example), not just passively watch TV while DD does her own thing. He must be desperate for money by now - so make sure he earns it by doing whatever chores need doing. You can put it to him that your other son does these chores during the week to earn the privilege of paid babysitting, so the older one needs to catch up if he wants to be paid.

BombadierFritz · 19/03/2016 00:57

I wouldnt pay either of them. Its part of being a family, pulling together and helping each other out. But as you pay one, you should pay the other. Then separately discuss the eldests contribution to the family

Fratelli · 19/03/2016 01:11

I would tell him you'll put the money he has earned aside for him for when he moves out or gets s job or whatever.
Definitely stop doing his ironing etc! You need to be sending a message that he needs to be contributing to the household.

jlivingstone · 19/03/2016 04:53

I'd pay him this time because you need to treat children fairly.

I'd then stop paying the both of them. The idea's laughable. Alternatively, keep paying them. Give them a bill at the end of the month for your time spent doing things and ask them when they'll pay you.

jlivingstone · 19/03/2016 04:54

edit: if one of them was working and turning down work (eg. baby sitting for non-family) then I think I'd reimburse them.

curren · 19/03/2016 05:17

The issue is that ds1 is taking the piss.

If he wasn't taking the piss, then I am sure dp wouldn't have an issue paying him.

The piss taking needs sorting.

You are paying all his expenses, food etc. While he does what exactly?

Since he has jobs to do and doesn't bother doing those, I can see why your dp doesn't want to pay him for helping out.

Where is he getting money from to disappear for days on end?

MimiSunshine · 19/03/2016 07:06

Of course the apprenticeship didn't pay well. The point of them us up learn a skill / trade and get basic expenses hovered while doing so. The majority of the 'payment' is in the effort that's being put into you to train you up.

TBH I think your (you and your husband) mistake was letting him qute with no alternative lined up and no plan.

I'd be giving him a months notice that he had to find paid employment or get back in education / training otherwise meal prep, washing and toiletries would stop and mean it.

I've had to claim JSA in ghost it's not difficult. You go, fill out the forms find then actively look for jobs and go every week or so to prove you've been doing this. If he's too lazy to even do the shove you need to start marching him to places and kicking him into touch

MimiSunshine · 19/03/2016 07:07

Bloody phone and auto correct. Need to proof read this early

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 19/03/2016 07:28

Yes both should be paid. Neither chose to have younger siblings and they are not their responsibility so any babysitting should be paid for.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/03/2016 07:29

Why on earth are you doing DS1's laundry when you work and he doesn't? If he's not in work or education his only opportunity to contribute to the household is through chores.

I might pay him for the babysitting a week later when he's done way more than the 15 year old.

curren · 19/03/2016 07:31

But I do his washing and ironing but I do everyone's , what mum wouldn't , it's no big deal to put on an extra couple loads on each week

plenty of mums wouldn't be doing an 18 years olds washing. Especially one who can't even be arsed looking for a job and who doesn't nothing around the house.

I can tell you I wouldn't.

HermioneJeanGranger · 19/03/2016 07:44

The issue isn't the babysitting money, really. It's that your older DS does fuck-all round the house, isn't in education and doesn't work - I'm not surprised his dad is fed up.

1 - stop mollycoddling him. He's 18. He needs to cook his own meals and do his own laundry. I don't know many 18 year olds in such a cushy position, tbh. No wonder he quit his apprenticeship - he doesn't need to work, he gets everything done for him by his mum!

2 - he needs to either go back to college or get a job. While he's getting a job, he needs to go to the job centre and sign on for jobseekers.

3 - he neeeds to contribute to the daily running of the house while he's not in work or education. That includes babysitting (he shouldn't get paid for it imo, he's an adult, not a teenager who is trying to earn extra pocket money), cooking, vacuuming, general chores, doing the food shop and whatever else needs doing on a regular basis.

I reckon if he did the above - contributed, and was either in work or education, his dad wouldn't mind paying him to babysit, but as it stands, he does bugger all at home while your youngest is in school, does housework AND babysits. Also, at 15, your younger son can't really get a job (expect a paper round) so it's reasonable to pay him for added chores. It's not reasonable to pay an adult to do chores, though!