Or is DP re paying babysitting money to look after sibling

[Shinyshoes2]

I have 3 children 18, 15 and 8
I have flexible working hours which allows me to work opposite DP's shifts so there is always one of us at home
On the odd opportunity we both work at the same time at weekends just to earn a bit of overtime , when this happens 15 yo ds has 8 yo dd for a small fee , he's doong U.S. a favour by having her
I had arranged to meet my neice this Sunday , dp was originally at home but has arranged to go into work for overtime
This time ive asked 18 yo d's to have her , however DP dosent want to pay him as he Dosent have a job and thinks he should be doing it as part of his ' keep '
I disagree I think he should get paid the same amount as 15 yo ds would have done
18 yo DOSEN'T contribute financially at all to our home and really dosent contribute to the household in terms of chores either ... He's supposed to hoover every Wednesday and Saturday but to be honest he disappears for days on end so we don't know when we are going to see him next
I'm putting this to the MN vote
Aibu for thinking he should be paid the same as his brother would have done Or
is DP BU for saying he shouldn't be paid ??

[teatowel]

They did chores that helped us a family. So in the case of the now infamous washing they would be asked to gather up the whole families and put it in the machine. I wouldn't tell an 18 year old I would no longer be doing his washing as though he were living in a house share. Enough about washing I think!!

[curren]

A levels didn't stop them doing any of the chores that they were assigned around the house,

So they did do chores. Those chores just happened not to be washing? what does it matter what the chore is?

When an adult becomes, well, an adult. They need to take some responsibility for themselves.

The OPs son isn't taking any responsibility for himself, at all. But expecting everything to be done for him. And the op is doing it.

[teatowel]

And he does his own washing :)

[teatowel]

Yes I totally agree Fireside. I should have added that! I had a son who at 19 needed lots of support and kicks at the same time. At 21 he has a steady job and is doing just great.

[firesidechat]

I don't think anyone is saying that though. An adult who isn't employed in any other way does need to pull their weight around the home. Teaching your children a good work ethic is invaluable for their future.

[teatowel]

A levels didn't stop them doing any of the chores that they were assigned around the house, but it is more the implication that once a child becomes an adult he is no longer part of the family but an adult who happens to live in your house.

[firesidechat]

He needs a kick up the backside too. Support is fine too, but a bit of tough love doesn't go amiss.

[teatowel]

Actually I do think that being 18 and not having any idea what you want to do with your life which is presumably the situation the OPs son is in is very frightening. He needs lots of support.

[curren]

Mine were still at school working hard on their A levels. I slipped up there.

is that what the ops son is doing? Nope so not relevant.

The ops 18 year old does nothing around the house or work or study. So no I wouldn't be doing his washing.

My 12 year puts the washing on, even if it's just once a week. How does doing a-levels stop people putting the washer on now and then?

[teatowel]

Goodness I didn't know that mothers all started to refuse to put their children's washing in the machine at midnight on the day of their 18th birthday. Mine were still at school working hard on their A levels. I slipped up there.

[DontMindMe1]

at 19 i was living away from home and was fully independent...........never threw a tantrum because my parents were refusing to but shoes for an ADULT who was CAPABLE of looking after themself.

you're not doing him any favours by projecting your own 18 yr old experiences on him. he has no intention of getting paid work or doing something constructive with his life cos he KNOWS how to play your emotions.

it is possible to love him and be his mum while your teaching him how to be an independent adult. he' needs tough love, not mollycoddling.

[ijustwannadance]

Why is it frightening being 18?

He isn't doing anything because he doesn't have too as you see him as a child and there are no consequences to his action.
He is angry at his dad for trying to parent him properly.

And I agree with curren, he must be getting money from somewhere.

[curren]

I don't know where he gets money from if he gets money at all
Afaik he could be poncing weed off his mates

Or helping deal it?

[LadyB49]

Bottom line - it's so comfy at home and all needs are met - so why go through the hassle of an application for benefits?

Home needs to be less comfy and meet less needs.
When op says she is already washing and ironing clothes and it's easy to do his...she is actually enabling her ds1 to continue in the idle fashion he has he has come to enjoy....to the point of can't be arsed going to see about benefits....but still seeks new trainers !!

[Shinyshoes2]

Regards to giving him money
I did ... But I stoppped about 5 months ago
I don't know where he gets money from if he gets money at all
Afaik he could be poncing weed off his mates
I know ive got to get tough .... I don't see him as an adult ... I see him as my din , my child , one that needs looming after and it dosent stop because he's reached 18 yo
Thanks for the replies I appreciate every one of them
It's frightening being 18 .. I was there once .. I was as scared as hell

[ijustwannadance]

He quit his apprenticeship as it pays peanuts yet has no income at all and can can afford to smoke weed.
Does that mean you give him pocket money?

[AgentZigzag]

Could your reluctance to use the leverage you have OP (options of stopping all money, laundry, cooking, demanding he does the hoovering, forcing him to claim JSA, stopping him treating your home like a doss house etc) maybe be bound up with a fear that you know he's going to start his independent life pretty soon and you don't want the looking after him part of being his Mum to end?

If you do I can fully understand why you might be being soft on him even when he's doing your head in (although I'm probably wrong and you can't wait to be shot of him lol).

[curren]

Your 18 year old is acting like a spoilt brat.

I wouldn't be treating him the same as I treat a responsible 15 year old.

I wouldn't give a shit. I wouldn't be trusting him to look after his sibling either tbh.

[JanetOfTheApes]

The obsession some mn'ers have with thinfs being g fair and equal is as weird as it us misguided. You don't need to treat them all the same. If one does chores and contributes and one does neither, you dont treat them the same, or all you're doing is telling the helpful one that he might as well not bother at all, that he'll be no worse off. You're also telling him you don't value him at all.
I wouldn't have an 18 living at home that wasn't either a student or have a job. Or at the very least looking for a job while cooking, cleaning and babysitting to earn their keep.

[LaurieLemons]

I actually agree with your DP after reading the full thread, although I wouldn't pay either of them. How does the older one get money? I would stop buying him anything eventually he will have to get off his arse and get a job.

[TiredOfSleep]

My concern would be that if you didn't pay him, he'd leave you in the lurch. Not that paying him addresses the underlying problems.

He should be doing more around the house. Not just for himself but washing and ironing for others, and cooking, shopping too.

[MardyGrave]

Where does he get money from?

[Ameliablue]

He should be paid the same, however he should also be contributing to the household.

[firesidechat]

Well I'm with your DH, but that'll be going against the tide here. An 18yo who does nothing at all is very different to a 15yo who's got school, homework, contributes to the household and babysits for pocket money regularly. You can only treat them fairly if their contribution is similar. It isn't. Mollycoddling an 18yo in the interest of being fair does them no favours in the long run.

I agree with ElderlyKoreanLady.

An able bodied lad of 18 should be "encouraged" by any means to go out and get a job. It wouldn't be tolerated in our house.

[ABitSensible]

The problem is if you pay the 18yo the same its not fair on the 15 yo who is more responsible. So I owuld acutally pay him more for the additional chores he is doing.
I would be very appreciative of the 15yo to his face, and treat him as more of an adult. But not in such a way as to reflect on the 18yo, or make comparisons. Just a straight transaction between the two of you (and your DP and him).

I would also have a straight talk with the 18yo. Its frightening reaching adulthood and realising you have to just get on with it. He has home support but he's going to lose that if he carries on taking the piss. I would actually say that to his face. He needs to feel like you are on his side and supporting him, but that he will lose that unless he makes some changes.