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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my Nanna's grave as a cover photo on Facebook?

40 replies

BurtMacklinsWife · 18/03/2016 11:25

My bloody sister! She is 17 and my Nanna died 11 years ago - my sister barely knew her, she'd been unwell for most of my sisters life until she died when my sister was 6.

My sister is - I don't know what 'scene' it is, but let's just say she's drawn towards things dark and tragic. So the other day she went to the cemetery where my Nanna and Grandad are buried, with her friends - took lots of angsty photos of her and her friends sat around the grave and posted them on Facebook, tagging my aunties and relatives.

Then this morning I see that she's made a picture of my Nanna's grave her cover photo. AIBU to find this disrespectful and a bit attention seeking? 😠 My mum doesn't have FB so not sure if she knows.

OP posts:
araiba · 18/03/2016 11:29

i presume she was your sisters nanna too? up to her

Original poster
BurtMacklinsWife · 18/03/2016 11:31

Is it really up to her though? To not think that my aunties might think when they have to see their mums grave every time they visit my sisters profile?

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 18/03/2016 11:32

I would find that morbid and ridiculous as well OP, so I don't think you are being UR in the least. Especially as you know its not motivated by grief

She is 17, cut her a bit of slack and in my family, I would tell my Mum and get her to sort it!

PaulAnkaTheDog · 18/03/2016 11:33

Not unreasonable but nothing you can do. I also have to add your 'my sister barely knew her' comment is unfair. It doesn't matter if she died when your sister was little, it doesn't make her less of her grandparent.

LagunaBubbles · 18/03/2016 11:34

Is it really up to her though?

Yes its her Facebook. People that dont want to see it can block her.

voodoolooloo · 18/03/2016 11:34

17 year olds tend to see things differently to others. I imagine if she never really knew her Nanna she's doing it more for the artistic effect than anything else.
I might be wrong and I guess it was her Nanna to. I wouldn't like it if it were a picture of my close relatives grave, I never understand pictures of graves anyway.

Original poster
BurtMacklinsWife · 18/03/2016 11:34

No, that's true PaulAnka but I said that to demonstrate that it wasn't motivated by grief or a recent loss.

OP posts:
Original poster
BurtMacklinsWife · 18/03/2016 11:36

So, Laguna - it's okay for her to go ahead and upset our aunties, my Nanna's daughters, with photos of their mothers grave?

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 18/03/2016 11:38

That isn't what Laguna said. She said it is up to her, which it is. It's her Facebook. You can tell her you don't like it but you can't force her to change it.

LineyReborn · 18/03/2016 11:39

It's a bit Madonna.

RobinandStrike1 · 18/03/2016 11:41

I wouldn't like this either....I agree it is distasteful but I don't really know if there is much you can do about it either so not sure what to advise..

kali110 · 18/03/2016 11:44

I'm not saying she is right, but You don't know that it isn't motivated by grief.
I lost someone very close to me when i wAs young, i don't remember them but i grieve for what life may hve been.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 18/03/2016 11:44

If they are upset then they will block her.

It might well have been motivated by grief, you do make it sound as though your sister isn't allowed to feel the loss of your/her Nanna.

Xmasbaby11 · 18/03/2016 11:47

It wouldn't be my choice but I wouldn't be particularly offended by it. Actually I think it's nice she's interested in her relatives / ancestors - so many teenagers aren't.

coconutpie · 18/03/2016 11:47

That is really distasteful and attention-seeking - selfies at a grave? Your mum needs to have a word.

DelphiniumBlue · 18/03/2016 11:52

Disrespectful in the extreme.
She clearly hasn't thought of it that way, so probably best to kindly point it out to her. In a face to face conversation if possible. Teenagers can be so self obsessed: (

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 18/03/2016 11:53

What's distasteful about taking photos? I have lots of photos of me and my dc at the baby garden my children's ashes are scattered in. They are really lovely pictures and very special to me.

liz70 · 18/03/2016 11:54

I do find posing around a grave rather disrespectful but it's the sort of thing that some teenagers would do, particularly if they're going through a gothy phase waves to DD2 . You could express your concerns to her, but don't necessarily expect the result you'd hope for; teenagers can be stubborn. I'd try not to let it get to you too much.

shovetheholly · 18/03/2016 11:55

I'd say this is normal though self-indulgent teen behaviour. I am sure most adults will recognise it as a bit of rather childish emo angst and shrug it off rather than finding it outrageously offensive. In many ways, it's good that the most 'tragic' thing in your sister's life is the death of her grandma 11 years ago when she was six. The fact that she's having to mine so deep for a tragic story suggests quite a healthy family setup really. Smile

expatinscotland · 18/03/2016 11:56

She's 17. It's her FB page. Meh. YABU.

DinosaursRoar · 18/03/2016 11:58

YANBU to think it's distasteful - and at 17, if her Nanna was the last family memeber to die, 11 years ago and being someone your Sister didn't really know given a long illness, then your sister possibly doesn't "get" grief yet, unless it's happened to you as a teen, it's hard to quite understand the emotions others have, and teens are generally still selfcentred as they are trying to find their place in the world.

I would gently tell her that you think she should change her profile picture as while you know she won't have meant any harm, it probably is very upsetting to your Aunts to see her taking "ownership" of the image of their mother's grave as hers, which is what it will seem as having it as her profile picture. You are sure she wasn't trying to make them feel like their grief for their mother is less than hers for her nanna (who she barely knew given the age she was when her Nanna died), but that's potentially what it's going to feel like to them. Keep the photo up fine, but not as profile picture.

If she says no, then tell your mum.

puzzledbyadream · 18/03/2016 11:59

My sister did similar when she was about 11. She's a scene kid too... It was really old graves in a graveyard for her though. There was an absolute uproar, people getting upset because their grandparents had just died, teachers kicking off over the disrespectfulness. 7 years on and she still doesn't get why people were upset. I reckon others will point out to your sister that it's disrespectful and save you the job. Definitely think it's odd when it's your Nanna's grave!

SaggingTits · 18/03/2016 12:08

Pictures of her and her friends at the grave? Maybe she's just being a typical 17 year old and it's her way of trying to be a part of remembering your nan?

Yanbu though. My cousins always post the same picture of our nan, it was taken days before she passed away. She looks so frail and ill, it annoys us all. especially my sister who was the only one that was close to her. Our nan hated pictures of her on the internet incase her vile exH saw (they had children so by tagging her ds's he could very possibly have seen). She would hate it. we don't say anything because it's their nan too.

LagunaBubbles · 18/03/2016 12:09

So, Laguna - it's okay for her to go ahead and upset our aunties, my Nanna's daughters, with photos of their mothers grave?

I didnt say that. You asked the question Is it really up to her though? and I gave you a factual answer, not the rights or wrongs with it.

capsicumcat21 · 18/03/2016 12:14

I think it is a teenage thing. An 18 year old daughter of a friend of mine announced rather dramatically on FB that she would be off FB for awhile to give her chance to 'grieve' for X (her boyfriend's grandma who she'd never even met!!!). Helpfully she did provide a number of other ways people could contact her if they really needed to.

She lasted three days before she returned to FB with no mention whatsover of the recent bereavement!

However I would maybe mention to your sister that what she has done may upset other people and maybe to consider other peoples feelings first?