To be worried about MILs plans

[have2nc]

MIL is 80 and lives alone. I think she suffers from depression, but her DC don't seem to feel able to discuss it with her. Her DD describes their family approach to things as 'sweep it under the carpet'. She is very isolated; won't try join groups or meet people. Gets very little exercise or fresh air. I learned recently that she uses her car now to drive one block from her house to get milk, because she gets out of breath walking that distance. She is overweight, but not massively I don't think. I never think of her in those terms but DH worries she is. I talk to DH about this but would never interfere with her DCs relationship with her.

Anyway, we live in a rural village and MIL lives in a city about 45 mins drive from us. I have a 1yr old and a 4 yr old - both born after I turned 40.

Last year I learned MIL was considering selling her city home (a ground floor property, no stairs) and buying a new build double storey home in a village maybe 5 mins from us. No one told me about this, including DH, until she was viewing plans and 'deciding '. Apparently she'd like to live near a field and not a street.

I panicked. I have a number of concerns. Many of them selfish which is why I'm not sure if IABU.

First, she's 80 and I think stairs are an issue. Even DH and she see this as temporary before she moves into her 'old age' type home where she'll get more support. Problem is, I think she's at that 'old age' age now, especially hearing she can't walk one block.

The re-sale value of the village house later won't translate into funds she can use to move back into the city later. I'm worried she'll be trapped here, next door to me.

Bus service to town is very infrequent and unreliable. I don't think she should be driving much longer. She's already hazardously slow on the road.

Nearest hospital is an hour away in a car, so 2 hour round trip. And she's 80.

And this is the selfish bit. I suspect she thinks she'll see my DCs more often. I am craving spare time. I want to re-train and start working again. I don't want to accommodate expected increase in regular visits when I'm struggling for time already and they are unavoidable when she'd be so close. I feel my freedom closing down already, and it feels bloody unfair. DH takes them to see her weekly at the moment.

DH works in town and all her family are there too. I don't want to be the point of call to check on her or give her lifts or any of the myriad things, just because I am near-by. And at her age and her health, I really expect that to happen pretty soon.

My gut feeling us her DD wants to move away, and is trying to pass care on (they are close and see each other all the time). I can't fill that gap. We're not close. FIL was toxic, and although he has died and she isn't toxic, it still affected our relationship because I kept my distance. I know she thinks I should have tolerated him regardless, and she is silently disapproving, and always always finds a way to bring me down. Whenever I'm with her I wait for the comment and almost feel relief that she's made it and hopefully it's out the way for the rest of the visit.

AIBU to want her DCs to dissuade her from this move. I feel ill about it. I feel it could really ruin my life. There. Selfish.

Stick to your guns. You are totally right in nearly everything you have said. It's not about her anymore. It's about your marriage now. Your SIL sounds rotten to me. Her DCs are grown up and Your DH has been helping the family all along so far. It's about time your SIL starts doing some work too instead of throwing it to you this time. Good luck

OP, your example above of your MIL'S memory loss is a big red flag, she needs assessing.

I think you need to take a zero tolerance approach OP because if you say you'll do X then that will be Y and Z eventually. Your tolerance will be eroded.

You need to say no to everything and be dammed.

You are absolutely right. Start by being clear about your boundaries, of course - but I'm sorry to say that, if this mad plan goes through, you will constantly be needing to reinforce them.

I'm in your dh's position, with an unreasonable, toxic and frankly bonkers family and demanding elderly mother. With the help of MN I've gradually been learning to stand up for myself, but for the past 15 years I've been trying to juggle children, work and my mother's demands. The inevitable casualties in this have been my work (I can bring in some money, but my long-worked-for career is ruined) and my mental health. Don't end up like me, especially for someone who isn't even your mother.

And yy to the fact that if you agree to X, it will gradually become Y. These things have a habit of 'creeping'. You have to say no, no, and no again. If you're usually quite nice, you'll sound like a horrible person to yourself, but that's good, because it's the only way you'll get your point across. That sounds callous, but it's also in your MIL's best interests, and your dh's, and your dc, as well as your own.

Oh dear! It does really sound like the ILS intend to "dump" your poor MIL on you.

YANBU, not at all.

I would be sick with worry. Agree to trying to stop MIL from driving as that might change her plans. Also, ask DH what does he think would happen if you wanted to move away from the area. Would MIL move again - with you? Or would she stay?

It must be really uncomfortable having these conversations but you have to stick to your guns and say NO - you will not be MILS carer.

SIL's friend who lives in the village is raving about what am amazing place it is.

Perhaps a call to her to ask her if she is interested in part time work as MIL's carer/housekeeper as SIL keeps saying that she is encouraging your MIL to move there might get her to STFU? Perhaps she could recommend someone as you are not available and SIL will be hours away. You'd hate for SIL to keep calling on her friend to help out/check on MIL constantly.

I'd be concerned about that sort of lapse in memory. Not that she forgot that your mum was ill, but had no recollection of it at all when reminded.

you are being totally reasonable. everything you've thought already is what i would have suggested. keep on, you're doing the right thing.

dementia-wise, it's very hard to deal with. my mum has it and can't come to terms with it. makes life very difficult when all are in denial.

Does she or you know a builder or surveyor who could be persuaded to look at the new house with her, make her go up and down the stairs, look at where facilities are, and then suck their teeth a lot and tell her the place isn't well built enough for the money?

My parents nearly moved to somewhere in the middle of nowhere near where they live, no shops nor transport within walking distance, mum can't drive, dad hates it - but their builders told them not to buy it, thank goodness!

I bet your DH thinks he could cope with the odd call-out, but hasn't thought in depth about regular meetings with social services, hospitals, OTs, physios... do you know anyone caring outside the home for elderly parents who could speak to him?

I think your DH and SILs and MIL have been very sneaky to do all this planning behind your back - shocking - especially your DH.

It sounds like she has some kind of dementia - it can be a very slow burn and so can be missed, but forgetting your mother had been ill is fairly classic.

I think the best plan is warden controlled accommodation. No one can force her to do this (someone up thread said she might be deemed unable to live alone) but that's not the case - you don't lose your human rights because you are old. Obviously people considering this type of accommodation need to be assessed and she's far more likely to get a positive assessment now, than she would be in another 5 or 10 years time if she lives that long. It doesn't have to be in your village - I'm sure there are many places with fields rather than streets for a view.

I'm sure SIL is all for the plan as it will free her from any responsibility.

You sound like you are quite an assertive person and I hope this problem will sort itself out.

(DH) assures me he'll take all responsibilities on. Not me. But realistically he can't; he's at work

Presumably you said his to him, along with the many other valid difficulties you've raised? It's just that, apart from mentioning that he struggles, you've not said what his actual answer was?

Given your work from home status and the potential for a granny flat, it's likely that assumptions are being made about what you'll probably do if pushed, all of it cloaked in self-preserving drivel about "everything will be fine"

I totally agree about the need to thrash this out now with the whole family, whether DH likes it or not. You might as well , as any upset it causes will be nothing compared to how the alternative could turn out

I love the fact that your dh and sil discuss it all behind your back and you feel very aware that it's not your 'place' to say things because it's THEIR family BUT when it comes to your MILs care you know that you will suddenly be expected to step up because you're 'one of the family'. I have the same frustrations with my ILs too. You have my sympathies but I don't have any advice for dealing with it without causing friction.

Has Sil had enough of being the 'on call' child and therefore wants to hand the job over to her brother?

I agree you just need to keep making it clear that you will not be the emergency point of contact. Better some difficult conversations now rather than it all exploding later.

DH lives in the NOW. Right now he believes he can do everything, and I believe he will try. However I know it will come at a price; his job, time with DCs, his health.

I have the edge on him in that my mother cared for her MIL for years and I know exactly what it takes and how it affects families. I'm going to drum it in to him the negative impacts on DCs as well.

I just remembered as well that SIL has a poor relationship with her MIL, who is now ill. She believes her mum is great, but I will ask her how she'd feel caring for her MIL and ask why she isn't. I'll remind her her mum is not my mum.

But the person I need to work on is DH. He has to stop it happening or we need to move house!

I think at 80 you should be able to rely on your dc for visits and help, especially if there are lots of you.
i'm not saying you should do it single handedly and she isn't your mother, but you should discuss your feelings with your dh.
Tell him you don't mind taking your turn and on the occasions he visits accompany him once in awhile. Maybe pick up some shopping whilst your out.
Her children need to discuss her future care between them, taking into account the wishes of their spouses.

But the person I need to work on is DH. He has to stop it happening or we need to move house

You couldn't be more correct - and I also wonder if his living "in the now" isn't simply an attempt to avoid issues he'd rather not address?

As Lem wisely suggested, it's more than a bit ironic that you're on the edge of the family when it suits but clearly expected to step in if needed

The word you're looking for is NO

Firstly, I just want to say I feel so badly for you. It's so so hard trying to juggle children and elderly parents/PIL and work and running a house and your relationship, health, twenty minutes to even read a fucking article online - being a woman is hard.

Aside from that I think you just need to set boundaries now; as everyone else has said the "give an inch, take a mile" idiom just sums up these situations. It's awful to lose your independence and know your memory is going and your social circle is shrinking - it really is awful and I would hate to be your MIL, but with the best will in the world you can't deal with all these pressures in your life without something suffering and you need to self-preserve. An expensive, stressful move now to a place where you only know your son's family, followed by another big move in 5 years is just nuts.

I imagine your husband and his sister(s?) are struggling to see their mother as an older woman with the challenges that brings but they need to face reality and you need to support him in that whilst making clear that you need to prioritise your own children and family life.

Could you maybe make that granny flat an office? Not sure if you already have one but when working from home it can be good - even more for other people - to see that you're WORKING not just hanging out waiting to drop all things for all people.

Wish you the best of luck and strength for the time ahead.

DH assures me he'll take all responsibilities on.

Perhaps its time to suggest to him that he steps up and takes some of the burden off SIL? Get in practice so to speak before the Autumn..................
If he can't manage a weekly visit, a twice weekly cut of the lawn, occasional oddjobs and some shopping then aside from the commute time to your MIL, he certainly won't be able to cope when SIL is not on your MIL's doorstep

New are you mad? The h and sil and mil have made all these arrangements between them. No one has asked the OP what she wants - she only found out by accident and you are telling her to do her share. None of this is her responsibility and no, at 80 you do not have the right to expect to do as you please irrespective of how it impacts on other people's lives.

This is not even her mother.

NNair

Perhaps I wasn't clear, I meant that all the family are responsible including the daughter and her spouse if she has one, not just the OP dh and herself.

It's up to her dh if he wants to do it, but he clearly doesn't seem to know what he is letting himself in for.

I disagree about spouses being responsible, unless they are properly consulted and agree in advance to take on that responsibility. It is not something the dh (or ILs) can decide on the OPs behalf and then dump on her.

Definitely not.
i suppose I'm thinking of my dh, he was happy to help out as much as he could when my parents were ill, they both died.

I suppose my point was that it shouldn't fall to one couple but the whole family, then surely any burden will be shared and not much for each person to do.
I'm not talking about a huge deal of responsibility per person.

It's also up to the whole family to discuss and come to some arrangement and agreement to her future care.

I think the delay gives you until autumn to find a f-t job or an office where you go to do your work (thus ensuring you're not "available" at the drop of a hat). Only needs to be your 5 year plan - until you've wiggled out of being the default carer - then you can return to as you are. (Not that you admit that.)

I really feel for you OP and agree with so much of the advice. I also think your fears are spot on. Before you know it she will be ringing DH asking him to take her shopping on a Saturday, dropping by unannounced to see you and the DC for a cup of tea, expecting invitations to family outings because she is lonely... then a fall, or diminishing health will see her move into that granny annexe "temporarily" and you will become her carer and have her living with you permanently. I sound cold, but I think if someone isn't very nice, it is terribly unfair to expect you to accommodate them to such a degree.

Sorry. I realise I was projecting there. But clearly relations are frosty so I think it is unfair of DH to expect her to have an increased presence in your life.