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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my mum was plain nasty to my daughter?

37 replies

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 16/03/2016 23:33

My daughter is supposed to be going on a two night residential trip with school next week. She doesn't want to go, no amount of encouraging, confidence boosting etc can convince her to go. (I posted about this a few weeks ago).

We've had a terrible few weeks where she has been so distressed about it. Its made her have tummy problems and she's cried every night.

I've decided she's not going and she's so relieved. She knows she's still got to go to school and be with YR3's.

My mum has said some horrible things to her, she told her 'she's a baby, being ridiculous, the other kids will laugh at her, selfish and letting me down'.

My mum also said if she was her mummy she'd stop her from seeing her dad as punishment. We're divorced and she adores him, he's a great dad and I'd never stop her from seeing him. My mum hates him so knew this would piss me off.

My DD looked horrified when she said this and I just sat there like a fool and said nothing. I've since reassured her this will never happen and she's ok.

My mum belittled me as a child and I won't let her do it to my DD so why did I say nothing? Should I leave it or tell her this was unacceptable?

OP posts:
Alasalas2 · 16/03/2016 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oswin · 16/03/2016 23:37

I would tell her if she ever talks to dd like that again she will be put your life.
How awful. I'm sorry you had to be treated like this op Flowers.

I hope you find the strength to stand up to her.

Alasalas2 · 16/03/2016 23:38

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ElderlyKoreanLady · 16/03/2016 23:44

Your DM is being cruel. You froze in the face of it because you're used to being the object of it. I've been there sadly I'd have a very strong word with DM and reset the dynamic. It takes balls when you're used to your DM being the alpha but I doubt you'll need to do it twice if you make it crystal clear the first time.

MrsJayy · 16/03/2016 23:44

You need to tell your mum to shush then you need to see why your DD is reacting so badly to this its quite extreme unless it's actually your mum drip drippng this crap into your DD she may be doing this and your poor DD is terrified tbh you need to have a firm word with your mother that is some horrible things she is saying has she always been like that

incywincybitofa · 16/03/2016 23:45

Her reaction to the residential at her age isn't that extreme- and she is lucky that she has a mum willing to listen and willing to support her in all areas. You deserve a toast!
We are currently having similar problems with our son, for some very specific reasons, but are working with the school who have suggested collection in the evenings if he wants, and returning him in the mornings (is that an option IF she wants to go)
Your mother is a cow bag-and she is the one with the less understandable issues but they are her issues. Is she a key figure in your everyday life? Do you rely on her a lot, because if you need it is probably time to broaden your support network for your DDs sake as well as your own

Fatmomma99 · 16/03/2016 23:46

I was up there with encouraging your DD to go on the trip, even if done brutally (although I would never do or encourage that), but the threatening to not see dad - totally outrageous, and (ultimately) cruel.

I'd be focusing on that, and that is where I would put my foot down. That's something she has no influence over, and is clearly not considering the best for your DD.

Original poster
ilovewelshrarebit123 · 16/03/2016 23:46

Definitely not being bullied, she's only 8, it's just the two of us and in a nutshell she doesn't want to sleepover.

She won't sleepover at friends etc and gets distraught if she has to. It's very upsetting to see as well. She's ok if its her dad but that's it.

She's OK at school, dancing etc but otherwise hates being away from me. I had an op in October and was in hospital for 6 days, its got worse since then. I was quite poorly and she got very upset when she visited.

She's bright, funny, chatty, loved by everyone she meets but a proper mums girl!

I think I will challenge my mum as I'm not letting her put DD down.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 16/03/2016 23:48

I'm very sorry my phone cut off your last paragraph didn't see she did this to you it's not right you know it's not right stand up to her your DD doesn't need thls you didn't either

BirthdayBetty · 16/03/2016 23:48

Does your dd suffer with anxiety?
Your mum is a dick. At least you have listened to her.

Original poster
ilovewelshrarebit123 · 16/03/2016 23:49

Venue is hour and half each way drive away, and I have to work at 9.30 am. If it was nearer I would take her for the days only.

OP posts:
Alasalas2 · 16/03/2016 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilverBirchWithout · 16/03/2016 23:55

Don't worry about her not wanting to go on residential trip, she is still very young.

DS didn't want to go on residential trip last year at Primary school, a year later he thoroughly enjoyed a residential in first year at Secondary.

Your DM needs to be told firmly to back off, she is potentially damaging your DDs self esteem.

MadamDeathstare · 17/03/2016 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icequeen01 · 17/03/2016 00:10

We had exactly the same problems our DS when he was about the same age. He wouldn't even go for a sleepover and would certainly not consider going away with the school and used to get quite upset if we pushed the subject. This lasted right into senior school and we were really quite concerned as he was missing lots of opportunities.

In year 9 he came home one evening and asked if he could go away the following year with the school. We were delighted but so shocked when he said it was to New York and Washington. Our fear was we would pay out a lot of money only for him to say he wouldn't go at the last minute. We shouldn't have worried, he didn't give us a backward glance and he is now year 11 and can't wait to get away from us! Smile

On the subject of your mum's comments, she most certainly was being mean and I'm sure caused more anxiety for your DD.

Ditsy4 · 17/03/2016 00:10

Goodness eight is young for a residential. Ours don't go till Year 5&6. Then it is a week and some of the Year 6 s don't want to go. We also take them for a one night stay in Year 6 a almost everyone goes for this.

At her age most of them wouldn't want to go. Don't worry you have done the right thing. Your mother is being unreasonable and quite nasty. You didn't speak up because you were back in that mode. Think about what you need to say ( you could write it down) then phone her and tell her.

FlyRussianUnicorn · 17/03/2016 00:17

It sounds like your mother is an emotional bully OP. Bullies can be hard to stand up to, even more so when it's your own family and people you love.

I'd be sending her a text expressing your distaste and asking her to keep her distance for a while. If she does it again, she would be out of mine and my child's life. No passing go, no collecting £200. That would be it.

I was the same when I was younger OP, except my mothers reaction was your mothers reaction. Sure she would come and pick me up if I got upset at a sleepover but the pasting I would get afterwards. It wasn't until I was 13 or so that I managed to sleep at another friends house without getting upset. I don't know what it was- I would go and play at a friends quite happily and loved having sleepovers at my own house but I would just clam up if it was elsewhere. My anxious personality I guess?

There's nothing wrong with it at all and your making the right decision so don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 17/03/2016 00:19

My goodness she is only 8, really tiny, at that age I would not want to be away from my parents. Dd now 9, recently had a birthday party, a couple had their parents stay as they still wanted to be with them. Your mum is being an arse, I woukd read her the riot act.

GooseberryRoolz · 17/03/2016 00:30

Is this the same gran who said 'do it for me' re a school trip?

NanaNina · 17/03/2016 00:32

Your mother sounds horrid and I think you should tell her how annoyed you were to hear her talking to your DD like that, especially the thing about not seeing her dd. How convoluted is that for a child to try to understand.

I don't think your DDs feelings about the trip are extreme at all - 8 FGS - most schools wait until yr 6 when the kids are 10 -11. My DGD was incredibly shy all through primary school and wouldn't go to birthday parties or to other kid's houses to tea, though she was happy enough for her friends to come to hers. I must confess I was a bit worried, wondering how she'd get on at sec school and sleep overs etc. Well I need not have worried - I think in the first term at sec school she went to 4 or 5 sleepovers. She's never going to be a "front line" person but she's happy and sociable and has a nice group of friends. I think kids develop independence at different stages in their development. I'm so glad you aren't forcing her to go.

Canyouforgiveher · 17/03/2016 00:58

8 is really young for a school 2 night away trip. Kids don't actually think of school as a safe place at that age. I doubt any of mine would have been up for this. Your dd's response was perfectly normal.

your mother was a complete bitch and you should tell her so. The fact that she told your dd that she would stop her seeing her father if she was her mummy is seriously deranged and nasty. does she actually know how parental relationships work.

I would be so pissed with her about this if I were you OP.

MattDillonsPants · 17/03/2016 01:08

OP my DD is 8 and won't sleep away either...some kids are just like that. For the record my DD has both parents at home and should feel secure...I don't think it's anything to do with divorce for some kids.xx You did the right thing.

Cornishclio · 17/03/2016 06:47

Your poor DD, she is only 8 and how cruel of your mum to frighten her. There is obviously history there of her doing similar to you as a child so you must stop this by talking to your mum and telling her to keep her opinions to herself. Contact with her Dad is nothing to do with your mum and to reassure your DD I would talk to her and tell her GM was wrong.

You did the right thing by not forcing your DD to go on the trip if it was making her this anxious. I would be telling your mum if she ever says anything like that again you will go NC. Does she spend a lot of time with your DD? She sounds horrible. Your little girl is obviously otherwise happy and will at some point want to do sleepovers etc. I remember when one of my daughters was about 8 or 9 one of her closest school friends was invited for a sleepover with a few other girls and we had to take her home around midnight. At 19 she went to the other side of the world travelling on her own so independence from mum and dad comes when they are ready.

Ledkr · 17/03/2016 06:59

My dd went on the yr 5 residential and did enjoy it but got very homesick which wasnt managed particularly well.
So she didn't want to go on the yr 6 one and I was fully supportive of that, the school were not happy.
She Is now year 9 and very confident and doing well at school.
She goes to stay with friends and Her dad but is sill by her own admission, a real home lover.
Your mum sounds pretty archaic in her attitude.

AvaLeStrange · 17/03/2016 07:00

Your poor DD (and you!).

Have you heard of transactional analysis? It's about how in any relationship we tend to take on the role of parent, child or equal. As an adult we should be equal to our parents most of the time, but sometimes its difficult to move away from being the child. I had some sessions of TA about 18 months asgo which has helped hugely in my dealing with my mum, who is well meaning but tends to be very forcefully of the opinion that she is never wrong!

As for you DD, I really sympathise. Mine is 11.5 and has her first residential looming and isn't keen at all. She is just like yours in that she doesn't want to be away from me. She's ok with GPs or her best friend but otherwise hates the idea of being away overnight.

Cornish it's really reassuring to read about your DD - neither DH or I had a problem with going away from much younger ages, and it worries us hugely that DD is so reluctant.