to think my mum was plain nasty to my daughter?

[ilovewelshrarebit123]

My daughter is supposed to be going on a two night residential trip with school next week. She doesn't want to go, no amount of encouraging, confidence boosting etc can convince her to go. (I posted about this a few weeks ago).

We've had a terrible few weeks where she has been so distressed about it. Its made her have tummy problems and she's cried every night.

I've decided she's not going and she's so relieved. She knows she's still got to go to school and be with YR3's.

My mum has said some horrible things to her, she told her 'she's a baby, being ridiculous, the other kids will laugh at her, selfish and letting me down'.

My mum also said if she was her mummy she'd stop her from seeing her dad as punishment. We're divorced and she adores him, he's a great dad and I'd never stop her from seeing him. My mum hates him so knew this would piss me off.

My DD looked horrified when she said this and I just sat there like a fool and said nothing. I've since reassured her this will never happen and she's ok.

My mum belittled me as a child and I won't let her do it to my DD so why did I say nothing? Should I leave it or tell her this was unacceptable?

You little girl is still that - little. Absolutely awful to suggest she should be encouraged/forced/call it what you will on a residential trip. What your mum said to her is beyond the pale.

At the school my DC used to be at year 3-6 do a Monday - Friday residential and all except my DC and another boy went last year.

Your mum is being a bitch, sorry to say. You froze through shock no doubt but now you realise what she has done you have to tackle her. Remember how you felt and your daughter feels worse. Grandma hurting her and mummy not stopping it. It's not too late to stop it now.

None of my dc would have wanted to go away overnight at that age, OP - it isn't at all unusual and has no bearing at all on their future lives. I used to have comments occasionally about my "shy" children - well, the concerned bystanders (some in my own family) needn't have worried.

My dc became more independent in their own time and are now happy, capable adults with busy social lives. Pushing them to do things before they're ready doesn't make you a good parent.

Your dd is still a young child - she needs you to protect her from your mother. Do not allow her to frighten your dd - her behaviour was appalling and she needs to know in no uncertain terms that you will not allow it.

Your mother was completely out of order, how awful. And of course there is nothing wrong with not wanting to go away overnight at 8.

Our primary starts residentials with one night away in year 3, then two in year 4, then 5 in years 5 and 6, so I don't think 8 is too young, but there are always a handful of kids who don't go to ours and that is fine. I was quite surprised DS wanted to go this year, he is 7, it was fine but he was glad to come home after the one night!

Echoing what everyone else said - your mum is a bully.

8 is very little still, I was very much a flight risk when it came to sleepovers etc. at that age - it wasn't at all uncommon for me to be so excited about staying at a friend's house, and as evening approached suddenly phoning home 'ill' (and I think once I said I had a broken leg...) By 13 I went on a school ski trip to Maine and had a great time.

Please do make sure you tell your DD how wrong your Mum was, and that the very last thing she's doing is 'letting you down' - how absolutely spiteful, controlling and unkind.

It is absolutely not extreme for an eight year old to be anxious about a two night residential.

Your mother is a damaging bully and as best you can, you need to learn to stand up for your daughter with her or else stop all contact. Having someone like that in her life brings no value and sows the seeds for more serious future mental distress.

Your mum sounds awful.

I don't think that 8 is too young, but obvs it won't suit all 8yr olds.

When daughter started school (aged 6) the first thing she did was ask her teacher when they would go away & was upset to find out that it wouldn't be for a couple of years.
She had been away with Kindergarten as had her brother & he had also been away in his first school year.

Has she ever stayed with a friend?

If not it must seem daunting.

Even then, strange place, lost of other kids.

She could be nervous about needing to get up for a wee or anything.

Your mum sounds like a horrible bully and I would let her know in no uncertain terms that her behaviour was unacceptable.

However, I have to disagree with some on this thread who have said that 8 is too young for residential trips. My DD is 8 and, at her school, all DC in Year 3 and above can go on the 5 day (4 night) residential in June. My DD did it last year (she was 7 at the time, as she is an late summerborn) and loved it - she cannot wait for this year's trip. The children also have the opportunity to do a sleepover at the school from Year 2, so DD was only 6 when did she first stopped away with the school.

That said, it is completely natural for some children to not want to stop away from home. I was not at all like my DD and I hated the 2 night residential we had in the last year of primary!

I'd tell my mother to STFU and would keep my DD away from her till she learned how to be kind and supportive.

I think the age for residentials depends on the child. My nine year old wouldn't go and is adamant she won't go on the five days away in year 6. She may change her mind and that's fine and if she doesn't then I will keep her off and take her away with me somewhere.

I am sorry op your mum is out of order, you know this. If you feel able to let her know why you disagree with her words then you could try talking to her, but it does sound like she is falling into old patterns of behaviour from your childhood. First priority is to reassure your dd, she will feel bad about missing the trip. Maybe you can take her on a similar trip in the holidays? My children's primary does a residential in year 4 and most kids go, my eldest two did. They were fine. They are both resisting school residential trips now they are year 5 and 7 respectively, I think they felt more comfortable on school trips with teachers they had known since their first days at school. In this area you change schools in year 5 and again in year 9.

My older kids both ASD though so not necessarily a good example, generally of course as they get older children are more able to deal with a few days away from home, but there are books that can help with anxiety if you feel your dds sensitivities need more attention.

your mother was a complete bitch and you should tell her so.

^^This. Plus quite frankly it's none of her ffing business and I am really sorry to be harsh but by not telling your mother off /disputing it with her on the spot, you have let your daughter down.

Think about how your mum made you feel love, and how there was nobody to protect you from that.

You are there for your dd, and it's time to stand up and be there for her.

Your mum is utterly hideous and needs to be kept a long way away from children.

You need to reduce contact/exposure generally. He's not a positive force in your lives.