Not to cater for sister's --'faddy'-- sorry, restricted, diet?!

[nappyrat]

I invited my sisters and a couple of friends round for a celebratory dinner the other night. I made spag bol.

I know my sister is pretty 'faddy' with her eating - she follows the FODMAP diet, 'tries' to avoid dairy (expect when she really facies filling her face with chocolate or cream or cheese) but it's all a bit 'on / off' and her Ok-foods seem very complicated (to me at least!), and restrictive.

She arrived at my house last night (I am a lone parent and had been at work all day just to set the scene!) and pretty much the first question she asked as she came in the door was whether or not I had catered to her dietary requirements(!!). Which I hadn't with the spa bol, but then swapped the accompanying side dish to suit her. to She ate everything up, had seconds but the next day, sent me an email to say 'no onion next time please'

AIBU to be pissed off!?

I can't believe some people think it's ok that she wrote that emAil! I'd respond with "well then don't come next time please!"

Gluten free is a fashion? I was sick, in pain and looked heavily pregnant before being told I was a coeliac. Having time off work was very bad as it seemed there was no explanation and I was just fat and lazy. Following a gluten free diet is challenging and more expensive but works like magic for me - if I eat wheat im sick and in pain.

My own sibling takes my limitations into account. Nappy, I would urge you and your sister to communicate more and try to accomodate her needs which you may not fully understand at this time. Talking things through with her will allow you to make a more informed judgment.

You know our family is not the slightest bit fussy, everyone ate what is put in front of them. I confess I was rather sneery about the faddy people.

Then when she was 16 DD1 developed agonising stomach pain. She would bloat up until she looked about 9 months pregnant. She lost a lot of weight (and she was already slim) because food made her stomach hurt. She had lots of medical investigations but the basic outcome was, "We can't find anything with a name so we'll call it IBS."

So in the years since then we have worked out her triggers: lactose, cheap bread, oranges, fruit juice, lots of random things. And now she has her life back.

A couple of years on and DS1 (19), developed chronic life disrupting diarrhoea. Not very pleasant when you are a busy student. Very fortunately, a short stay at home and an accidental swap to DD's lactofree milk revealed the problem quite quickly. DS is lactose intolerant, he is the annoying guy who gets fussy in the pizza place.

Anyhow, discussing our two "faddy" kids, DH commented that having pain and bowel urgency was pretty much a way of life for him. He has switched to lactofree milk too and is miraculously better.

Everyone in my family occasionally falls off the wagon though, especially when presented with something delicious. Doesn't mean they don't pay the price.

Thing is, lots of people put up with general discomfort because they have never known any difference. Lots of people suddenly develope quite severe intolerances. IBS is very common, and often runs in families. So beware OP, there is a good chance this will come back to bite you on the bum.

I find it hard to believe that some people are saying that she should have cooked a separate meal for the sister. Did you not read the bit where she said she is a single mum. How hard is it even for people who aren't single mums to throw a dinner party. I admire you for this in the first place, without the added hassle of people whose diets cause inconvenience. Surely, for one evening the fads could have been put aside. The majority (not all, of course) of these 'food intolerances'/'dietary requirements' seem to be a symptom of our affluent middle classes. Can you imagine during war rationing if someone sat around at a dinner party and said "oh no, I couldn't possibly have that slice of cake because it has dairy products in it"? It's also a sad fact that many people sit around all day on their bums and do no exercise and then try and compensate by eliminating foods which will make them 'bloat'.

So beware OP, there is a good chance this will come back to bite you on the bum

Literally, if you eat spicy food with IBS...

Lollie your remarks are incredibly ignorant. The OP's sister has food intolerances that require a FODMAP diet. This is a plan of eating that has been thoroughly medically researched and is often recommended by doctors. On what planet is it faddy?

Would you tell a diabetic to stop being faddy and get that Coke down them?

Have you ever seen someone bloated from food intolerance? My daughter is a dancer and had a massive painfully distended pregnant looking belly. Nothing at all to do with not wanting to exercise.

I imagine in the past, people just put up with the pain and embarrassment and sharted themselves frequently. I certainly remember many older members of my family having wind and urgency problems. I suspect our general diet was more meat and veg based in the past though and bread was not made with the modern industrial processes that cause problems for many people.

She obviously enjoyed the meal to have had seconds - if she hadn't been that greedy, perhaps she wouldn't have suffered. Never the less, her message could have started with "Thanks sis - great meal...

Yeah, or she could have said, "Thanks sis for spitefully ignoring my medical issues and stealthily giving me onions so that I was in pain all night." I think she was quite restrained actually.

In fact the OP is so outrageous, it could almost be a reverse.

The sister ate the meal even having seconds, enjoyed it had no complaints. Then the next day sent an email saying no onion next time. Which makes no sense to me, and sound like the sister was just nip picking.
When me and my husband had dinner party's I am alway more than happy to cater for different diet needs and I want everybody to enjoy the evening.
But if somebody came to our house ate the meal asked for seconds and I got and email the next day about onions I would think this was rude.

Well presumably she didn't realise there were onions in it. Or possibly she ate it anyway because her sister had made an effort and she is fed up of being called "faddy", simply for trying to manage her medical condition.

Whether or not the meal tasted good is neither here nor there.

The text is simply a polite reminder to her sister, to respect her medical issues in future.

I'm actually very allergic to raw onion, but can tolerate cooked onion if it's been cooked for a reasonable amount of time. Something to do with how the onion oil or sulphites in the onion change (same with everything in that family, garlic chives etc but onion is the worse if I get raw onion even on my skin it flares up) I'm also the same with some types of wine.

Raw onion has had me in the A&E, cooked onion I'm fine with until a few hours later and then depending on how much I'm in agony... The next day my joints are like glass regardless and it takes a massive dose of very strong anti hystemine to ease it - So I do occasionally have it cooked in a fancy restaurant or on odd occasion but it's very rare and I have to prepare by taking strong medication before.

My family always warn me when it's in something and it's my choice if I want to be in agonising pain for the next 24/48 hours...

So it doesn't surprise me she sent the text saying no onion please, but I'd be far more tactful and take time to explain, my family thought I was just being fussy at first until I explained and now they get it - I think it was more the delivery than the request in this case... As people without allergies/intolerances just don't understand (I don't understand it half the time and have it) why would they? People just see you as fussy and sadly lots of fussy people do use it as an excuse..

Had this once in a pub they thought I was just being fussy, had raw onion in a salad and blew up like a balloon, had to eat anti histamine and then spent three days in bed - it's really not fun!

It doesn't sound like a fad! Blimey people are either intolerant, ignorant or an unfortunate combination of the two.

Tinkly, the sister's food intolerances were so bad that she had seconds with no immediate negative effects. I'm sure that if it was genuine, the effects of the evil onions would be almost immediately apparent. I did say that I don't think that all people are making up these intolerances/illnesses, but is is a good way for many people to get attention. Of course I wouldn't say that a diabetic should have a Coke!! This is a genuine illness like any other medically proven illness. I'm talking about people whose lives are so easy that they have the time to imagine up petty, non existent food tolerances.

Lollie IBS is a genuine illness. Just like diabetes. Please educate yourself.

Food intolerances don't always have instant effects. They are not the same as allergies.

lollie if I had a latte right now made with real milk rather than a substitute, I would be fine for several hours. I would then spend the rest of the day and up to three afterwards in at best agony, but more likely agony and living on the toilet/sleeping it off. Had you seen me drink the latte and seen no effects for a couple of hours later you'd probably think I was making it up. I'm not. It's hell to live with. Intolerances and allergies are not the same class. I'm thankful the food I'm intolerant to will not kill me, but it doesn't mean its ok for me to eat them. I'd still rather give up a night out somewhere that doesn't cater for me than spend days in pain, looking 7 months pregnant and barely able to move thanks to stiff joints.

lollie for me I could eat the same amount with no immediate effects, and have done.. you can't always taste the thing your allergic/intolerant too and then as a result you can spend the next day unable to do anything... Onions are indeed evil to me, maybe the OP's sister is the same...

Intolerance and allergies are a tricky beast, and an absolute pain in the arse! With intolerance some people can eat certain foods once, then abstain for a certain period of time and eat it again. Eat it twice in a week and they can be on their knees in pain. its a complete nightmare and really should be taken seriously but the way they can effect and not effect dependant on the persons tolerance levels can mean people don't take it as seriously as it actually is.

Lollie there is another issue here too.
If I eat too much dairy, I end up in pain, the type that wakes you up at night. So I do avoid dairy as much as I can, use goat milk rather than cow's milk (because I seem to tolerate it better) etc... Same with wheat.

However, there will be situation where I will CHOOSE to eat said dairy/wheatr knowing fully well I might end up unwell.
This is because I love cheese, I might be in an environment where saying 'no cheese' or 'no wheat' will be very ackward or because the evening is going really well and I don't want to spoil the atmopshere.
So I make a trade off between a decrease in my wellbeing (ie I will be in pain for a few days afterwards) to get a nice evening for example (or to avoid a confrontation). It's a choice that I make because my quality of life would be quite rubbish if I could never go out with friends for example (because let's be honest finding a restaurant that will cater for a wheat free, dairy free diet is near impossible).

It certainly doesn't mean I won't suffer from ill effects nor does it mean that my intolerance is non existant.

Jesus wept this makes for a depressing read. So my 18 month old is being a diva or faddy or middle class as he has a dairy and egg allergy? I'm just grateful my friends don't think like some people on here but maybe that's because they have seen him projectile vomitting from 2 weeks old or smelt some of his nappies if we have had a slip up or trialling him again on the milk ladder and failed. I obviously want him to grow out of these allergies and we hope he will, but especially so if this is the attitude he will face as an older child.

Bonny that's so sad, poor little thing. That must be awful for him and you.

My brother was like this when tiny with cows milk, goats milk was the only milk he could have for years - now he drinks cows milk by the gallon :) I remember having to rush him into hospital with my mum when he swelled up so much he looked like a ball after eating something from a friends pocket (was a little pig too so trying to explain no you can't have that to a Hoover was near on impossible for my mum) I didn't develop mine until older

take heart though the world is changing and allergies/intolerances are taken much more seriously these days so hopefully little one if he doesn't grow out of them will find much more acceptance growing up with the new rules and regulations surrounding allergies and intolerance in place :)

Yes, it does seem everyone is jumping on the bandwagon. If you do a bit of reading and investigation, it's easy to understand why. for many it is a physical necessity. For others, it can bring optimal health.
The way food is produced today is toxic to all but the hardiest digestive systems.
If you don't have any problems with food, it either A) because you are in blissful ignorance of the damage the standard western diet is doing to your body or, B) you have a hardy digestive system - like my hubby, he's a strong bugger.
I'm not so lucky but at least I am aware of what my body can and cannot tolerate. On the other hand, my ignorant family, which loves to belittle me for my 'faddy' diet are suffering from all number of ailments often stemming from poor diet, which creates amongst others small intestinal overgrowth. My family members suffer from a range of ailments including IBS, excessive wind and dyspepsia, indigestion, fluid retention, fatigue, recurring sinus infections, recurring bronchitis.
Since I have followed my 'faddy' diet, my chronic sinusitis cleared up, I hardly get a cold, have more energy. I'm still very ill but my illness is very complex. Yes, I must say my family and all others really should berate me 🙃

Absolutely Janecc. Many, many people in my family seem to tolerate less than optimum digestive health, constantly veering between laxatives and Imodium and blaming that dodgy kebab or rich casserole. And don't get me started on the utterly toxic wind.

For gods sake, for those saying 'well she had seconds so she can't be that intolerant - ops sister said no to spag Bol as it had onion in. She was given a side dish instead which did have onions in. Presumably op conveniently forgot to tell her sister this. As op has now buggered off because people started disagreeing with her then who knows.

lollie you really need to educate yourself a bit better. Cake during war rations?? Do you understand rationing? There really wouldn't have been anything but the basics to 'turn down'. In fact the diet ops sister is following is pretty close to a restrictive diet like rationing - oats, rice, chicken etc. And of course if you have very little food you aren't going to not eat it based on the fact you will get bad tummy trouble - luckily enough we can make those decisions to make life more comfortable for ourselves.

So much ignorance around IBS and similar in this thread it's shocking. So much more awareness is needed, it's still such a taboo because it involves talking about poo.

The effects of IBS/intolerance and allergy are totally different. If my IBS is playing up, it's usually an hour or so after I've last eaten. If I accidentally have gluten, the burning rash is instant, stomach pain is almost instant, tingling lips, headache etc all comes on very quickly.

Just because someone isn't immediately gasping for breath or doubled over in pain as soon as it passes their lips, it doesn't mean they aren't intolerant of it.

I love the idea that it's a middle class phenomenon. As a working class family I can tell you we just LOVE spending extortionate amounts of money to keep up with the Coeliac Joneses.

The crux of the matter is that it is difficult to differentiate between a person with genuine food problems/allergies and those who are just faddy eaters or worse proclaim they suffer from some grandiose food intolerance.

People just used to say, "X disagrees with me." And that was that. I know that peppers - even though I like them - come back to haunt me something rotten (will omit gory detail). I would not make a fuss about this, though, at someone's house. I'd just sidestep the peppers. No need for further information.

Also it's about manners. And more often than not it's the people at the least severe end of the food problem spectrum that make the most fuss and act in a rude demanding It's All About Me way.

DH has to follow a FODMAP diet. He isn't remotely fussy or faddy and does it very reluctantly because it is so uncomfortable for him when he does eat the wrong thing. He doesn't make a fuss about it, would never complain, but it can be difficult when someone who knows about his eating (like his parents) forgets and he ends up in pain. It also stops him sleeping so he winds up exhausted. I bloody hate FODMAP but it does the trick so worth putting up with.

I am a fussy eater (no sense of taste unfortunately, makes a lot of food a bit gross because of texture) but never mention it when I'm eating out and will always eat whatever is given to me.