Not to cater for sister's --'faddy'-- sorry, restricted, diet?!

[nappyrat]

I invited my sisters and a couple of friends round for a celebratory dinner the other night. I made spag bol.

I know my sister is pretty 'faddy' with her eating - she follows the FODMAP diet, 'tries' to avoid dairy (expect when she really facies filling her face with chocolate or cream or cheese) but it's all a bit 'on / off' and her Ok-foods seem very complicated (to me at least!), and restrictive.

She arrived at my house last night (I am a lone parent and had been at work all day just to set the scene!) and pretty much the first question she asked as she came in the door was whether or not I had catered to her dietary requirements(!!). Which I hadn't with the spa bol, but then swapped the accompanying side dish to suit her. to She ate everything up, had seconds but the next day, sent me an email to say 'no onion next time please'

AIBU to be pissed off!?

YANBU. Another one here who was brought up to eat what I am given and smile nicely.

Obviously, there are serious food allergies (like nuts that can kill some people), but frankly there is a lot of self-indulgent, too-much-time-on-our-hands food faddishness around.

Not too many cases of wheat intolerance and the like in countries where there are genuine food shortages/war etc.

My view is - if you want to have a faddy diet then that's your own lookout, but don't expect everyone else to tiptoe around you.

Sorry, you haven't clarified if she follows this because of a medical condition. That has a real bearing on whether or not YABU.

Those of you who have received help with the fodmap diet, where are you getting it from? DD (22) visited the gp recently after suffering stomach issues for several months. She was told to go away and research fodmap and try to eliminate the problem foods. We are trying, she still lives at home but at a later appt she was told there is no help available at our local hospital. The dietitians are not trained to advise on it apparently.

Whilst I'm very happy to accommodate it, I cook everyday and am managing to still make nice food, I worry that she has eliminated major food groups with no advice or support. From what I've read you should be doing it under supervision. She is feeling a lot better so I think it's helping but we would really like someone to speak to.

If the onions were going to make the sister ill, she should have said something before eating two plates of bolognese sauce that included onions.

Why didn't you have the conversation before the day? Surely anyone with dietary requirements needs to ask in advance when eating at friends and relatives houses? The OP isn't a restaurant with a detailed menu and allergen list.

You can't expect people to automatically remember exactly what you can and can't eat, especially when it is something that doesn't look that straightforward and excludes extremely common ingredients like onions, dairy and beans.

BarbaraofSeville - my mum is intolerant to egg, but only if she eats it on it's own. She can eat it in cake, or whatever. No idea why.

I think there is a misunderstanding between intolerant and allergic though.

On another note, FODMAP is used by quite a variety of people with various conditions - not just bowel. But if she's healthy not sure why she'd be on this on in particular.

She was rude about it but no one would do FODMAP as a fad. I was only on it for a short time while we spotted a gluten allergy and God it's horrendous. So restricting, I don't understand how anyone can cope with it permanently.

If one of my friends who is aware of my dietary restrictions asked me to dinner, do you know what I would be pretty peeved if I turned up and they'd made a dinner they knew I couldn't eat. I don't mind not being invited to dinner, and I take my GF snacks everywhere just in case, but it's embarrassing and annoying sitting there explaining to every single person who asks, why you're not eating the exact same as everyone else. And then you inevitably have one roll their eyes and say how their sister's friend's hairdresser's cousin says gluten free is a fad and blah blah blah.

So actually I think you were pretty rude in inviting her but making food she couldn't eat.

"You can't expect people to automatically remember exactly what you can and can't eat"

I'd kind of expect my sister to remember if I was following a specific diet because I had IBS or something similar, it's not like it's random people or a particularly obscure diet - it's fairly commonly given to people by HCPs for those sorts of issues and there's loads of information about it.

The thing is FODMAP is complex, not just avoid wheat/nuts or eggs. Is it really realistic to expect your host to know all the ins and outs of the FODMAP diet?
If the OP's dsis really wants her to cook for her, then she needs to be very clear about what she can and can't eat.
She also needs to be ready to say 'No I can't eat onions and to then refuse to eat the bolognese that as onions in' rather than say 'I can't eat it but as it is in front of me, I'll eat it anyway' because she is just giving the message that it's not essential to avoid the onions iyswim.

Notdead I would be careful with saying that it's just self indulgence. I don't have an allergy but give me a meal with plenty of dairy in (cheese, milk) and I will ache for days afterwards, aches that are bad enough to wake me up at night.
Of course, you won't see that. And of course, it will look weird to you because I'm not allergic.
But believe me, there are plenty of people around whose quality of life is affected by their diet.

mrsrhod gastroenterologist is where I was told to do FODMAP. It can be harder to get an appt due to her age (I'm 21 and had to end up in hospital before I got an appt) but keep pushing - so many people have found it totally changes their life. It is really important that she does it under supervision, either of gastroenterologist or dietitian if you can get access to one. GP should also be able to give some advice.

The thing is you can Google most meals and say "Is FODMAP?" and it'll give you an answer. Equally, she should’ve asked what you were planning to make, and either declined the invite or explained that she can't eat it.

Doesn't this FODMAP thing affect different people in different ways? There's a huge list of foods and different people are allergic/sensitive to different ones?

So you could have two people following FODMAP, but they need to exclude different food?

I wouldn't say FODMAP is common knowledge anyway, I haven't heard about it at all apart from on here and don't know anyone who openly follows it.

YABU because she's your sister.

There's also a fine line between necessary and faddy diet restrictions.

I have an eating disorder. The foods I will eat are insanely few and limited. Now I know my diet isn't a medical necessity and I do choose it but whether or not it's 100% a choice, I don't know.

Anyway, I almost never go to someone's house for dinner. It's too embarrassing and awkward and I would never want to put anyone out trying to find something I can/will eat.

But my sister and my friends are different. I never feel like I have to put on an act and can eat or leave whatever I like. They will cater for me no questions asked. I thought that's what sisters and close friends were for? I don't understand why you wouldn't provide for someone so close.

She does sound like she was rude about it though.

I'm not sure TBH if it's a major medical condition. She talks about having bad wind, diarrhoea etc. She often talks about it jokingly, which doesn't help my interpretation of it being very serious, but sometimes she does say it's serious.

Like I've said, though, I tend to think it's her rude way of dealing with it that irks me, and the fact I think she is fairly demanding about expecting people to accommodate her rather than what i would hope for - i.e. a mutual effort to accommodate each other.

I expect to be f-l-a-m-e-d for this, but I get really annoyed with the way that it seems everyone in the world has special 'requirements' - whatever they may be. So many people are such divas! I am of the view that you should be polite, not make a fuss, be discrete if you do have problems you need to ask about or sort out.

Ask not what can be done for you, but what can be done for your fellow (wo)man?! n all that! ;)

I think arriving at someone's house when they have been at work all day, have a 3 year old to get to bed, and have a fair amount to do to get a meal ready for a dinner party, and then asking 'if there are onions in the meal' in a sort of disappointed tone is pretty rude. And the ensuing message is bloody rude.

And it is also my bad for not being a better hostess.

You don't sound like you like her tbh. After my initial disgruntlement at her message my instinct with my sister would be to call to apologise and ask if she were ok, her message may have been terse because she feels like crap after an awful night!

She did check that it was something she could eat beforehand and was obviously told yes. Onion tends to disappear visually when cooked so she may not have realised until it was too late.

To those who are saying FODMAP is only something people who were ill wouldfollow, my SIL avoids wheat/gluten, dairy, sugar, lots of other grains, several vegetables and some fruits plus red meat. No official medical reason, she had her blood analysed by some quack company in the USA at great expense (thousands) and they told her if she didn't avoid those foods she might die earlier or get ill, very vague. No weight issues and no particular health issues she wants to solve.

The thing is, it's hard to eat junk food, cakes and other shit if you exclude those food groups so she probably is healthier and may live longer as a result.

But it is faddy as fuck!

Ffs, your last post indicates that she is following it for medical reasons...as in not faddy.

I think your opinion of what you see as etiquette around eating is colouring your view of her and her expectations tbh.

If you think she's being faddy you could at least have told her in advance that you wouldn't be catering for her & could she bring her own food.

I'm not clear - so you said yes there are onions in the spag Bol so she didn't eat it. But then you gave her the side dish instead which did have onions in and she ate that?? So did you tell her there were onions in the side dish?

I can't imagine talking this way about my sister TBH, or being fine with creating a thread where my sister gets called 'a rude twat'. Its not really 'rude' of her to sound disappointed that you have made a meal she can't eat after inviting her for dinner?

Did your sister not see the onions in the bolognaise

mrsrhod an NHS dietician gave me details of the FODMAP diet 3yrs ago, it's not that new or trendy.

So you know she has digestive issues, but you went ahead anyway?

You know she has issues, but you 'forgot'?

You talk about other people's manners, but conveniently forget your own as a hostess - it's not very polite to ask someone to dinner in your home and then totally ignore issues you know that they have.

YABVU. And it sounds like you don't like your sister very much

Op Yanbu. Whatever diet she is on and for whatever reason, she should have had a polite conversation with you well in advance and offered to contribute to the meal in any way she could instead of expecting you to accommodate her every need/wish.

I believe that very few people who go on restrictive diets actually need it. I know several people who 'choose' highly restrictive diets for non medical reasons.

*Not too many cases of wheat intolerance and the like in countries where there are genuine food shortages/war etc.

What a ridiculous and ignorant comment!

I have a question for all those complaining of "faddy" dieters, do you include vegetarianism/veganism in this?
Because the people I have met in RL who think you should eat anything put in front of you, unless it's a serious medical issue, also seem to think that I should put up with being served meat, because I'm "just being picky/faddy/trendy" despite the fact that I have been veggie for 20years, so hardly a "fad"

I'm not sure TBH if it's a major medical condition. She talks about having bad wind, diarrhoea etc. She often talks about it jokingly, which doesn't help my interpretation of it being very serious, but sometimes she does say it's serious.

So she has the grace to make light of a painful, embarrassing and debilitating medical problem, and this means you think you can dismiss it?

Like I've said, though, I tend to think it's her rude way of dealing with it that irks me, and the fact I think she is fairly demanding about expecting people to accommodate her rather than what i would hope for - i.e. a mutual effort to accommodate each other.

Yes, always so with medical issues, just like a wheelchair user should accommodate you mutually by walking half the time.

I expect to be f-l-a-m-e-d for this, but I get really annoyed with the way that it seems everyone in the world has special 'requirements' - whatever they may be. So many people are such divas! I am of the view that you should be polite, not make a fuss, be discrete if you do have problems you need to ask about or sort out.

Aww, I know what you mean. It must be so very awkward, being fit and well and without any problems that need a little effort on behalf of other people. How very rude of anyone to inconvenience you with their health problems.

Ask not what can be done for you, but what can be done for your fellow (wo)man?! n all that! ;)

Absolutely! Exactly as you, when confronted with your own sister's medical problem, ask what you can do to help her. No thought of yourself at all. You are a saint! If only everyone were more like you.

I think arriving at someone's house when they have been at work all day, have a 3 year old to get to bed, and have a fair amount to do to get a meal ready for a dinner party, and then asking 'if there are onions in the meal' in a sort of disappointed tone is pretty rude. And the ensuing message is bloody rude.

I know, anyone would think you were her sister, had asked her over on a day when you had been at work all day and didn't have some surprise child appear, and cooked her a meal her health issues meant you knew could make her ill. Absolutely bloody rude of her to gently ask you not to do it again. If only she could be more thoughtful and accommodating!

And it is also my bad for not being a better hostess.

Yes, your hostess skills are clearly the sole issue you need to address in your treatment of her... and general world view.