Not to cater for sister's --'faddy'-- sorry, restricted, diet?!

[nappyrat]

I invited my sisters and a couple of friends round for a celebratory dinner the other night. I made spag bol.

I know my sister is pretty 'faddy' with her eating - she follows the FODMAP diet, 'tries' to avoid dairy (expect when she really facies filling her face with chocolate or cream or cheese) but it's all a bit 'on / off' and her Ok-foods seem very complicated (to me at least!), and restrictive.

She arrived at my house last night (I am a lone parent and had been at work all day just to set the scene!) and pretty much the first question she asked as she came in the door was whether or not I had catered to her dietary requirements(!!). Which I hadn't with the spa bol, but then swapped the accompanying side dish to suit her. to She ate everything up, had seconds but the next day, sent me an email to say 'no onion next time please'

AIBU to be pissed off!?

[StrictlyMumDancing]

You sound like my awful sister. She doesn't think I've had massive gastro problems for most of my life because I don't sit there crying constantly and get on with things. She was the sort of person who knew better and would also 'forget'. The only saving grace is that I'm not actually allergic to anything, though it would probably only take anaphylaxis before she would accept I had an issue.

Many lactose intolerant people can handle low lactose foods like cream/cheese/chocolate. A bar of chocolate may not upset me but a pill mainly formed of lactose filler will have me in agony. Its easier to avoid dairy elsewhere and limit my indulgences to safe things at home.

Your sister was rude. However inviting someone to dinner you know is following a restrictive diet and not making it clear you wouldn't cater or have a back up plan is rude too. She was polite enough to eat your food though.

[IdealWeather]

What barbarian said.

I'm always amazed at how many people have no idea how many debiltating conditions there are around, most of which are completely invisible.
And yes, when you are feeling crap and your quality of life has gone down the drain, you will try everything to feel even a tiny bit better.

[nappyrat]

Ok everyone - thanks for your thoughts. Lots of very valid comments but some getting quite (unnecessarily) nasty so I am bowing out.

:) Bye

[wheresthebeach]

So so unkind of you. If I was your sister I wouldn't agree to come to dinner again. Sod asking you to keep the onions out of a dish. Really...you can't cook without onions? You must be very emotionally attached to onions.

You made her ill. You don't care.

Awful. Digestive issues are hideous when they are bad. Your poor sister.

[BritabroadinAsia]

My DD has been told by our GP to follow FODMAP for 6 weeks as an exclusion diet, who discussed some very credible research from Monarsh University in Melbourne to substantiate the negative effects that high FODMAPs food can have within the bowel.

To be honest, it's not going to be any fun for a young teenager to follow this even just for a few weeks, but am really hoping we will identify the triggers for her IBS like symptoms which have an impact on her health and well being most days.

Nappy, it might be worth you discussing the diet/reasons for it with your sister a bit more to understand what's going on, but I agree that she could have taken more responsibility for what she ate given how extremely restrictive the diet is.

If any of the pp with experience of this are posting over in general health it would be great to hear more of your recommendations, thanks.

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

So she's doing it for a genuine medical reason, and you think it's 'faddy'?

People like you are the reason those of us with bowel and bladder issues don't get taken seriously.

[BishopBrennansArse]

Unnecessarily nasty?
What, like the whole thread concept?

[niceday]

It looks like you have an issue with your sister.
Do you feel jealous of her life? Unfairness? Resentment?

You don't need to follow the changes in her diet if you don't want to. You can ask for her suggestions just before the party, or even better - ask her to help you cook when you host next time.

[WhereDidAllThoseYesterdaysGo]

'Unnecessarily nasty 'means not getting the jovial agreeing 'yes quite agree OP. Aren't those people with health problems such a pain the arse for us healthy folk with their silly requirements' responses you got upthread!

You did ask by the way.

[soapboxqueen]

I've had rather debilitating IBS-D for twenty years. I've been back and forward to GPs and consultants through that time to no avail. Terrible pain everyday, diarrhoea everyday, scared to go out, anxiety attacks when I was out, refusing social invitations through fear, not eating at all until the afternoon or later. Not that most people would realise because I always hide it really well. Being in labour hurt less.

About 2 months ago I read about the low fodmap diet here on mumsnet. I bought the book and the app and worked out what it all meant. After 3 days I was greatly improved and after a week pretty much symptom free! It doesn't work for everyone but most can get some benefit.

It is fairly complicated so I take food with me or plan ahead by pouring over online menus.

For me it certainly isn't a faddy diet.

[spanky2]

I can't eat onion as I get gruesome stomach pain and diarrhea all night. But I let people who are cooking for me know in advance. That's what your sister did wrong, she should have told you. Just for future meals (if she's ever invited again!) leeks give a mild oniony flavour.

[MERLYPUSSEDOFF]

I understand where OP is coming from.

All too often people bang on bout their allergies/intolerances when it really a 'i don't like xxx' issue.

My sister has a 'wheat intolerance'. It didn't stop her eating all the taramasalata last time she was here. She also said not to bother getting anything particular (gluten free sausages s they are vile) for xmas dinner. So I didn't. She ate the normal ones, I did tell her, and the kids had to go without.

If you have an intolerance/allergy then fine Let your host know in advance or ask what menu is planned.

As a vegetarian (I'm not) I wouldn't turn up for dinner just hoping the host knew all about my dietary requirements. I'd phone ahead.

[soapboxqueen]

Just FYI onions, leeks, shallots and the white bit of spring onions are off limits.

You can have chives, the green bit of a spring onion and asfoedita.

[spanky2]

I need to change my post. I've never heard of fodmap before and after looking it up, I side with the sister. It's clear what foods she can eat. Op you know it, you were out of order. I know you know it as you've f**ked off!

[OvariesBeforeBrovaries]

I am of the view that you should be polite, not make a fuss, be discrete if you do have problems you need to ask about or sort out.

That'd be fine and dandy... if people didn't constantly ask "can you eat this? how about that?", "why aren't you eating the same as the rest of us?" and make comments about "faddy diets" and "fussy eaters".

I can't even describe how ill I'd be if I stuck to the old adage of "eat what's put in front of you".

[TheBakeryQueen]

I'd always cater to a guest's dietary requirements, it's just good manners isn't it? I want people to enjoy coming to my home so whether it's fussy children or intolerances or whatever, I'm happy to cook what suits. I'll personally eat anything but maybe I'm just lucky.
A bit of empathy for one another is a good thing!

[80schild]

Barbarian mum - long time since I last posted but I do want to respond to your post, particularly as I have worked with people who have crohn's / IBD / IBS. My intention is not to undermine the severity of these conditions. However, I can tell from talking to someone and their attitude whether they are genuinely have a problem or not. - usually people who are genuine don't make a big fuss of it and try to sort it.

Attention seekers want everyone to know and usually self diagnose. It is these people that undermine the severity of the illness, not the unbelievers.

[80schild]

I am definitely not judgemental and am in no position to be, particularly given that over the past year I have had a lot of health issues myself.

[NotdeadyetBOING]

Surely it's quite simple.

If someone has a genuine medical issue then it needs to be taken into account and catered for.

However, certainly in my experience the majority of people don't fall into that category. My SIL, for instance, now avoids wheat and dairy having read some article in Red Magazine (or similar) about how it will stop bloating and give her lovely flat abs and great skin. Or my deeply vain cousin who makes similar demands for similarly self-obsessed reasons.

There is the world of difference between the two and it seems that our society encourages people to behave like this and elevate their own faddy demands 'needs' over any broader consideration for others.

Flame away.

[PageStillNotFound404]

I wish it were as simple as "genuine" medical issues being catered for. IME, when I've gone out in groups it doesn't matter how discreet I try to be - a quiet word with the person organising, speaking directly to the restaurant or caterer or whoever - if there's any visible difference between my meal and how it's described / someone else's dish that is notionally the same, or if the waiter yells "X dish without Y?" then almost invariably someone will ask why I'm eating something different, or occasionally even grumble that if they'd known it was possible to have it prepared differently, they would have asked for it too but they don't like to "make a fuss" (trust me, you'd be making more of a fuss if you had to witness the effects of me eating the wrong thing).

So then someone asks, and I'm left in the position of either explaining about my medical condition which a) isn't really any of their business and b) will inevitably come across to someone as me "attention seeking" even though I didn't start the conversation, or minimising it and trying to change the subject which can be misconstrued as "making a fuss over nothing" (by having a different dish in the first place and therefore dismissed or judged as a "faddy eater".

It's really fucking tiresome, actually. Sometimes it's easier just not to go, although that's not always possible with work-related functions/training courses etc.

[LollieB]

This fancy behaviour wouldn't be tolerated where I come from up north! I agree that if your requirements are likely to cause inconvenience, you should at least offer to bring your own food to be polite. Another gripe of mine are friends who are following the fashion of being gluten intolerant. I watched a programm the other night which said that only a small percentage of people actually have problems with gluten.....just as I had suspected. If I had a penny for every bloody gluten free cake/loaf of bread which I've baked in the past......!

[RhodaBull]

Ds has severe IBS, such that he has missed a lot of school. He does the thing of not eating until afternoon, wary of social situations etc.

Unfortunately the FODMAP was (excuse the upcoming pun) just another pile of crap.

I think the point is to be polite, whatever your situation, be it food related or anything else which could put a host out. If someone politely says in advance that they have an allergy that's fine, or even at the time if they avoid certain things, but some people without prior warning do act like princesses (and I had a prince, too, on Atkins who wanted just meat and double cream for dinner) and it becomes less about the food and more about them being Speshul.

[sashadasher]

Yabu you could have still made spa bol but made her bit in separate pan without onions.you invited her but top tip try using onion granules NOT onion salt as replacement easier to cook with and tends not to upset everyone's tum but you get same taste.most my family have problems with eating so I've had to adapt, I make life as easy as I can to suit as many people.People with eating problems can't help it but if you can't make little tweaks ask her to bring something along

[magnificatAnimaMea]

nappyrat this point has probably been made somewhere upthread - but one potential reason your sister has followed all sorts of food restrictive diets over the years (i.e. been "faddy") may be because she has gut issues and has been trying things to make it better.

I think the way forward is probably saying
(1) I was knackered and forgot about the food thing, in future I might stick to weekend dinner parties if that's ok
(2) When I'm cooking for you, can you check in with me about ingredients if you've changed anything recently, so I don't get it wrong
(3) occasionally if what you're doing diet-wise is really complicated, would it be OK to bring food with you that suits you? not necessarily the whole meal but maybe a dish sometimes
(4) I felt a bit narked that your only comment was "no onions next time" and not "thankyou" and I feel i can say this because we are sisters and there is no danger of us falling out.

I have major food allergies that result in anaphylaxis, and the list is ever-growing because of the sort of allergy it is. I'm also intolerant of dairy to the degree that a buttery sauce, cream, yoghurt, cheese etc will have me sharting loudly in the loo for the rest of the dinner party. Oh and I'm also severely allergic to soy, which is the go-to dairy replacement. It's a pain in the backside to put it mildly. Generally what i do is give people a list of allergies, then say "and here are the things I can definitely eat" with general suggestions as to unproblematic dishes - and I always offer to bring my own food, and where appropriate offer to go to a restaurant instead.

[apismalifica]

I am not a 'fussy eater' either but some things really do make me ill, it varies and there are things I can eat a little of and others I can't touch. No, there isn't a proper diagnosis (although the gastroenterologist did put this dietary advice in writing all the same) and it's only as I have got older and the symptoms worse that I have discovered exactly which foods to avoid AND felt assertive enough to look after my health.

I'm with you there PageStillNotFound404 - it is tiresome indeed. Also, I really miss some of the things that I've had to exclude from my diet.

There are ways to handle this though, depending on who is doing the catering.....warn people in advance, say you will bring some of your own food in case there's an issue, offer to supply ingredients if they are expensive, offer to bring a dish of what you can eat to share with everybody and take the pressure off (particularly if it's family and friends). If I'm unsure, I always phone restaurants and professional caterers in advance.

Recently went to a big family event, first time in years all the generations had got together, and I forgot to warn them - it was all home cooked BUT well over half the food on the table was suitable for my diet, most plates were labelled with ingredients - seems it runs in the family and I'm not the only one!

FODMAP and avoiding dairy really isn't 'faddy' if you need to do it. Your sister sounds rather demanding though, and needs to have more thought for the person doing the catering. It's really easy to cook for someone with a specific diet IF you are used to doing so, and everything in the kitchen is already set up for it, BUT it isn't easy for you to have to do that occasionally after a long day at work.