Not to cater for sister's --'faddy'-- sorry, restricted, diet?!

[nappyrat]

I invited my sisters and a couple of friends round for a celebratory dinner the other night. I made spag bol.

I know my sister is pretty 'faddy' with her eating - she follows the FODMAP diet, 'tries' to avoid dairy (expect when she really facies filling her face with chocolate or cream or cheese) but it's all a bit 'on / off' and her Ok-foods seem very complicated (to me at least!), and restrictive.

She arrived at my house last night (I am a lone parent and had been at work all day just to set the scene!) and pretty much the first question she asked as she came in the door was whether or not I had catered to her dietary requirements(!!). Which I hadn't with the spa bol, but then swapped the accompanying side dish to suit her. to She ate everything up, had seconds but the next day, sent me an email to say 'no onion next time please'

AIBU to be pissed off!?

[RB68]

personally if sisters can't try and support each other when talking diets or catering for each other then who can - I wouldn't dream of serving my sister mashed potato or banana the texture makes her heave - same as she would never serve me chilli

But also if one of us was trying to loose weight in a certain way we would ask for a suggestion or ask them to bring something to suit either to heat up or whatever.

I have one sister who can't have olive oil as it has medical repercussions which I totally understand - caffeinated coffee often does the same to me, we are both gall bladderless and its a left over from that. Solid medical reason but sounds faddy

Personally I see a responsibility for the hostess here as well as the guest. If its family having you to dinner its more open to discussion in my view as opposed to a dinner party with business acquaintances or at a not so close friends house

[HackAttack]

Unless it's medical or serious ethical (eg vegan) I flat out do not cater to dietary issues, however I do warn people about that so they can choose whether or not to eat here. Also in response I will eat anything presented to me, fairs fair :) x

[OnlyLovers]

'no onion next time please'

Rude twat.

'Don't bother coming next time please' is your response.

[CrotchetQuaverMinim]

"being brought up to bloody eat what is put in front of you" - lots of people say that they were brought up to do something or other, as if that made it unchangeable! You aren't that child anymore, and you can make your own choices as an adult. Decide that you don't agree with catering for special diets if they aren't polite about it, or that you think she is being fussy for no reason and you don't believe in special diets and that you yourself think people should eat what is put in front of them, or that you are happy to accommodate whatever diet it is if you are told in advance, or whatever - but you can then own your choice and justify it to yourself, rather than just "I was brought up that way"

It sounds like you think she shouldn't be on the diet and you don't believe there is any reason for it other than fussiness. So tell her that, or tell her that you don't want to accommodate fussy eaters. Or, ask her why she is on it, try to understand what the reasons might be, and accept that she is doing it for whatever reason she thinks is best. It's a separate issue from whether you want to invite her over and/or cater for her; if you think she needs to be more polite about it, then address that aspect/ask her to bring food/ask for suggestions/tell her you don't want to do things because she's rude. But at the moment, it sounds like you are just making it seem like people on special diets are just attention seekers, and that isn't the case for everyone. There might well be all kinds of reasons that she doesn't want to go into detail with you, or perhaps she finds that reducing certain foods helps even if she doesn't cut them out, or whatever - no excuse for not being polite about it, but she may not want to go into the nitty gritty about what helps, why she can be inconsistent, why maybe it's really hard for her to stick to it even if she wants to, etc. Or maybe she is just fussy, and you either have to decide that you want her company enough to deal with that. It's not much fun when you dislike various foods and someone insists on serving them because you shouldn't be fussy and they want to teach you a lesson, which can happen in some families. If you love her and want her company at a celebration dinner, why not try to make her meal pleasant, or suggest going out somewhere instead, or just have her over for a drink.

[nappyrat]

JuxtapositionRecords - genuinely, i forgot. It does seem bad, I know, but life is pretty hectic, and I forgot.

I think it has never lodged in my head as particularly serious because of the on/off dairy thing.

But it also sounds like I need to try a bit harder next time.

[LadyPeterWimsey]

Not all dairy is banned on a low FODMAP - just foods which are high in lactose. Cream and most cheese is fine.

It is a very complicated diet, and very hard to cater for - and yes, onions are often the worst culprit which makes cooking anything normal very tricky.

[SoupDragon]

I would never DREAM of sending someone a list of foods I can and can't eat

How lucky that you don't need to then.

[sleeponeday]

Is this health related? Or is it a diet in terms of weight control (and not for someone so obese they need to diet for health reasons)?

If the former, YABU. Very. If the latter, then she is; you are a hostess, not a restaurant.

[SpeakNoWords]

If I invite people round I tend to like to make them feel welcome, so I would cater for whatever dietary requests they had.

The way your sister told you about the onion was rude and the way she quizzed you as soon as she arrived, and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't invite her round any time soon. But when you next cook for her, it would be deliberately unpleasant to decide to ignore her dietary requests.

I'm a vegetarian, and I also have a (genuine) food allergy, which many people assume is a faddy choice when it's a life threatening reaction. As polite as I am, I wouldn't eat a meat dish containing my allergen if you presented it to me at your house, sorry.

[GlindatheFairy]

I looked at FODMAP recently, everything I actually eat appears to be banned.

[Haggisfish]

Although, no onion In a spag Bol isn't that hard to cater to, and won't massively affect the taste, surely?

[OliviaStabler]

Why does she follow this diet? Is it a phase or does she have health issues?

[ProcrastinatorGeneral]

MyFavouriteClinton that's really odd. I can't eat eggs - other than maybe a Yorkshire pudding, without being violently sick in all directions. I've been like it since I was a baby, and we've never ever known why. Doctors when I was small just assumed it was an intolerance to quantity, but the idea of breaking proteins makes more sense.

I may have to do some reading up, thank you.

[sleeponeday]

Okay, I just googled and have to ask - have you never googled this? Because it sounds like she needs to follow it in order to avoid a lot of discomfort, and that's not faddy at all.

If the diet is a PITA for you to cater on the odd occasion, imagine what it must be like to live with? Sorry, but YABU.

[sleeponeday]

The term FODMAP is an acronym, deriving from "Fermentable Oligo-, Di-, Monosaccharides And Polyols."[1] These carbohydrates are commonly found in the modern western diet. Some evidence has been presented that the restriction of these FODMAPs from the diet may have a beneficial effect for sufferers of irritable bowel syndrome and other functional gastrointestinal disorders (FGID), including one low FODMAP diet.[2][3] A low FODMAP diet has been shown in studies to be efficacious for many individuals with FGID.[3][4][5][6][7][8][9]

That's health related. So not faddy, IMO.

[HopefulHamster]

The more I've read the more YABU. I am dairy/egg free reasons for my daughter (breastfeeding) and as much as I hate being a pain for people, I don't do it to be difficult and will offer to provide for myself.

She is a little rude, but if you looked into her diet then I think you would see that it is not done lightly and a caring friend/sister shouldn't just 'forget' or not even seem to care?

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

Six of one half a dozen of the other. You forgot and you're quite rude about her dietry needs, she was rather abrupt and not very polite.

If I'm catering for others I usually check what they want.

As it happens I live with someone faddy which causes extra expense and does seem to rather be on a whim. I accommodate the fad to a reasonable extent. Anything unreasonable she has to accommodate herself.

We all win :)

[nappyrat]

CrotchetQuaverMinim - fair point! :) thanks. I think what i am trying to say by talking about that being my upbringing, is that that it is how I would expect someone to behave. That to me, is polite.

I think reading this, and mulling things through, my main issue is her rudeness. I think if she dealt with it differently, and was more helpful, and empathetic towards me on this, I would feel differently. And I accept I need to do the same back to her, too.

Genuinely, there has been no thank you at all! Just the no onions next time message. Argh!! So rude. I don't think she'd send that message to anyone else.

[PennyHasNoSurname]

Id reply "I think your restrictive diet is having a negative effect on your manners. You are welcome for dinner. Your turn to cook next time"

[hiccupgirl]

She sounds rude but to be fair do you know if she has been given medical advice about following the FODMAP diet?

I have IBS. When it's fine I can eat diary and other non FODMAP foods without a big problem. If I'm having a flare up, diary will make it massively worse and something like onions or garlic would just be awful. It's not being fussy or changing my mind about what I can or can't eat, it's a medical condition and depends on how my stomach etc is that particular day/time.

[Housemum]

But is she following it for genuine need or just because of a fad? I hadn't heard of it until a couple of days ago - DD2 has been going through some food issues, and one of her teachers was going on about how wonderful the FODMAP diet was which hardly helped. Said teacher was not following it for IBS, purely for weight management. And everything I did find online said it really should be followed with professional advice - so ask your sister if she has a crib sheet from her dietitian if she genuinely is doing it for health reasons.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

Sometimes close family members like sisters are particularly blunt. But you do have to have that sort of relationship or it's just rude.

[leelu66]

YANBU. But it can work the other way too.

I invited a vegetarian couple for dinner and forgot to ask them what veg food they could or couldn't eat. It turned out one of them couldn't eat a lot of things (onions etc).

I wish they had told me before hand. I almost feel like I was set up to fail.

[MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge]

Glad to be of help, Procrastinator. Things have developed in the food allergy world, it may be worth seeing someone again.

The little boy in question sees a consultant. His parents were advised to avoid eggs completely while he was small, and they did. They were told there was a chance of it abating as he grew older. Recently he had cake containing egg by mistake and was fine, so the hospital has told his parents to keep giving him well-cooked egg in cakes etc regularly. I don't quite understand the process, but apparently if he is tolerating it you have to keep giving it to him regularly to ensure his body doesn't reject it again, or something.