what would you think about this? (contact with NRP)

[princessozma]

Child is under 10, got a mobile phone for Xmas. Now regularly texts/ emails NRP sometimes during the day with general chitchat but also quite late at night (anything from 9-11.30pm saying they are bored or lonely, or both).

Parents are not on speaking terms.

I think it's great that the child can communicate when they like with their other parent, however, 9-11.30pm is too late for someone under 10. The Resident Parent should be putting a few restrictions on phone use after a certain time of night.

Bit sad that the child is lonely though?

They miss their nrp ? Especially as parents are not on speaking terms ,parents should at least try to be civil for the sake of the child.

No restrictions on phone use.

Child says they are lonely/ bored because they have been sent to bed (at 9pm) so RP and partner can send the evening together.

Contact fine, mine didn't have phones at that time but did have ipods and could (but didnt) contact their dad if they wanted.
Access to phone at that time for that age, probably a bit late IMO.

Who is saying they are lonely? If it's the child then fair enough, if it's the parent then I'd be livid - we shouldn't put feelings like that on the child. 9-11.30pm is too late at night for an under 10. Mine have to leave their phone downstairs for charging. I'd tell them to let the nrp know that they were to turn their phone off at bedtime.

9pm is a reasonable time for bedtime at under 10, maybe a little late if anything, in my opinion. The nrp should be encouraging child to sleep at that time and speak on the phone at other times instead

Well that's not unreasonable to go to bed at 9pm my son aged 9 goes to bed between 8.30_9 during the week and lights off then too.

Most under 10's would be in bed by or before that time anyway, regardless of the RP wanting time with partner (or just without the child!).

My 10y goes around 9pm and lights off by 9.30pm. But no gaming/screens after 8.30pm other than watching TV with us.

Child says they are lonely/ bored because they have been sent to bed (at 9pm) so RP and partner can send the evening together.

I think it is perfectly acceptable for RP to want some evening adult time but I agree with others that have said that there should be restrictions on phone use - my DS was not allowed his phone after 9 when he was 14 let alone 10.

What is your role in this?

The contact wouldn't be the issue as such, it's the late night use which should not be allowed. Phone's left downstairs maybe? Also it's possible the child is playing the NRP off against the RP re:being lonely. In an ideal world parents would present a unified front but that's not going to happen in lots of cases. So I'd say, unrestricted contact during daytime. No phone at bedtime.

I don't think a 9 pm bedtime is unreasonable, my GC is 11 and his bedtime is 8.30 but it is probably 9 pm by the time he is settled. I think any later and he would be very tired in the morning.

No problem with child and NRP having regular e-contact, but I don't allow screens in the bedroom at bedtime.

I would say standard rule should be to have phones out of room at bedtime, and 9pm is if anything a slightly late bedtime for an 'under 10yo'.

Are you the NRP?

I don't see any issue with contacting the NRP for general chitchat but I agree with other posters that 9pm is a reasonable bedtime for that age group, phone shouldn't be going to bedroom with child, child should be going to sleep not texting and it's fine/normal for RP and partner to want time alone together after child has gone to bed.

Should have said nearly 10 (in the summer) not under 10, though it probably makes little difference.

No limitation on phone or iPad use in RPs house, only on tv and computer (both located in downstairs rooms, not child's bedroom).

I suspect that there is an element of playing one parent against another but is that being unfair?

Child has generally set their own bedtime, does not have to be up for school until 8/8.15am.

"I suspect that there is an element of playing one parent against another but is that being unfair?"

Well they're basically moaning about their bedtime to the other parent, but framing it as being lonely...so unless the child has any other issues that might result in feeling lonely - I'd say that's exactly what they're doing.

Child not setting own bedtime. RP trying to enforce 9pm curfew. NRP needs to put grown up pants on and speak to ex to let them know that child staying up too late, or at the very least let the child know that it's too late to be texting.

NRP feels sorry for child who says they can't go downstairs etc (not sure if this is true or not). Generally RP imposes very few rules, NRP is regarded by children as being too strict ('RP never is cross with us' - when NRP just saying 'please don't do...' etc) so is reluctant to say anything about this.

No possibility of any conversation between RP and NRP, RP has flat out refused to engage in any form of discussion.

I guess op is the nrp or a friend of theirs.

The nrp is unreasonable to encourage phoning and texting this late.

NRP needs to text back after 9pm to say "go to sleep" and then cease contact until the following morming

Definitely playing one parent off against the other!

YY to NRP texting back "Go to sleep now." 9pm is late enough for a 10yr old on a school night.

Lonely, my arse. Doesn't want to go to bed!

The RP needs to remove the phone at bedtime. The child has a bedtime & since it's more than reasonable they shouldn't have their phone.

The child isnt lonely or bored. They don't like their bedtime (totally normal) or feels jealous that the RP is spending time with their partner and not them (again quite a common feeling)

The child is portraying that to the NRP as bored or lonely for sympathy. Again, not unusual.

The NRP absolutely should not be encouraging the child to break the RP rules and should tell the child they love chatting to them but won't be responding after 9pm.

This is obviously just my opinion and others may disagree.