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AIBU?

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Original poster

what would you think about this? (contact with NRP)

82 replies

princessozma · 14/03/2016 13:23

Child is under 10, got a mobile phone for Xmas. Now regularly texts/ emails NRP sometimes during the day with general chitchat but also quite late at night (anything from 9-11.30pm saying they are bored or lonely, or both).

Parents are not on speaking terms.

OP posts:
hedgehogsdontbite · 14/03/2016 15:23

Part of the issue here is that the RP and NRP have no contact so there's been no communication of this setting of bedtime etc, it may be child is only giving half truth.

No that's not part of the issue. The issue is that the NRP has been told by the child that they've been sent to bed and is then undermining the RP by engaging with the child rather than telling them to go to sleep.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 14/03/2016 15:24

Child should be free to contact both parents and other family on their phone.

But the phone should not go to school. I don't think juniors need a phone for school.

And it should be put away at bedtime.

So if kid goes to bed at 9, they can text good night to NRP, then leave it in another room until morning.

Sleep is more important!

Chasingsquirrels · 14/03/2016 15:28

Tbh if you aren't the RP or the NRP is it any of your business?
And if it is your business, in what capacity? If you don't post this information you will just get replies based on assumptions.

The overriding theme of the thread replies is that contact with NRP is not unreasonable and a 9pm bed time where you go to bed, without access to screens, and go to sleep is appropriate for a 9yo and that the NRP should encourage the child to do this by not entering into a dialogue at these times.

Original poster
princessozma · 14/03/2016 15:39

If the RP wants to (belatedly) impose a bedtime, then clearly that's fine but it would surely then be sensible to take phones etc away as well?

I'm in a relationship with NRP. The bedtime is definitely a new thing as before Xmas I remember seeing child online (whilst with RP) after 9.

I can see both sides; NRP takes a lot of grief over how RP doesn't make them do anything, and has taken this as a chance to get closer to child, I genuinely don't think he sees it as undermining RP. Child hasn't said their bedtime is a certain time, just that they get sent to bed (possibly not the whole truth...)

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 14/03/2016 15:45

Does the NRP impose a bedtime, if so what is it? Can't the NRP see that engaging with the child at this time of night isn't helping the child to get to sleep?

Regardless of the NRP wanting to improve their relationship with the child, they need to be a P and do what is best for the child.

hedgehogsdontbite · 14/03/2016 15:48

Sounds like the NRP has form for thinking they know best and getting the hump when the RP ignores it and does things their own way. NRP needs to back the fuck off and stop undermining the RP.

GeorgeTheThird · 14/03/2016 15:49

NRP is undermining bedtime and shouldn't respond after 9pm

curren · 14/03/2016 15:55

If the RP wants to (belatedly) impose a bedtime, then clearly that's fine but it would surely then be sensible to take phones etc away as well

Yes it would but the NRP doesn't have to responds.

Your partners sounds like he/she enjoys undermining the RP , whatever they do. The child needs a decent bedtime. Your partner is helping prevent this. Is that really in the best interest of the child?

Because it sounds like just another think the NRP can moan about the RP for.

zzzzz · 14/03/2016 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LizKeen · 14/03/2016 16:02

Children play parents off each other. And the opportunity to do so is optimised here because the parents don't speak.

It can also be common for the child to tell one parent what they want to hear. So if child gets vibes that NRP disapproves of the RP then they could be saying this to confirm that opinion and curry favour with NRP. This is incredibly damaging if this is happening.

Your partner needs to be positive about the RP, and needs to back them up. No matter what their opinion is.

Original poster
princessozma · 14/03/2016 16:07

I can see that if he didn't respond, child would be upset/ angry with him, and it would affect contact.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 14/03/2016 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeenAndTween · 14/03/2016 16:11

Children do get upset and angry with their parents when rules are imposed. But they get over it. NRP needs to be very clear that he won't respond after 9pm, child will cope.

Original poster
princessozma · 14/03/2016 16:12

It's belated because whilst they were together, there was no set bedtime, and up til Xmas that seems to have remaind the case, it's just since then.

I'm interested to know how people would respond to constant RP doesn't tell us off / get cross / make us do this - how would you respond? especially when they are neither being told off nor is anyone cross with them! (sorry, know it's not quite on topic of thread but is connected).

OP posts:
TeenAndTween · 14/03/2016 16:12

Does NRP ever have child overnight? What are the bedtime rules then?

TeenAndTween · 14/03/2016 16:13

My response would be 'different houses, different rules' just as I do for my DC when they say 'but everyone else ....'.

hedgehogsdontbite · 14/03/2016 16:15

I can see that if he didn't respond, child would be upset/ angry with him, and it would affect contact.

Children get upset and angry at having boundaries imposed on them all the time. It's what commonly known as 'parenting'.

curren · 14/03/2016 16:17

I can see that if he didn't respond, child would be upset/ angry with him, and it would affect contact.

he tells them before. Tells them he loves them and loves chatting but they must obey the rules at their mothers house and from no they won't be responding.

The child will probably get mad in an attempt to sway your partner into giving in. He must stay strong and not respond.

When they moan about rules it's 'my house my rules, your mums house your mums rules'

But he should bloody know this as he is a parent. The child is almost 10, how long have they been apart.

Kids push boundaries, play parents off against each other and strop to get their own way. It's just what they do.

How has he has he not figured this out yet?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 14/03/2016 16:17

I am an RP. Any comment from DS about his NRP is met with "oh well, there you go," or "and yet, life goes on", sometimes "get over it".

CheeseAndOnionWalkers · 14/03/2016 16:26

My son is the same age. He has lights out at 9, falls asleep 15-20 minutes later. Compared to his friends that's about an hour later. He takes a drink to bed with him so no reason to get up.

NRP needs to stop texting at night. They should say goodnight at 9pm.

No kids willingly want to sleep and texting NRP is just delaying the process of falling asleep.

Ideally RP should confiscate phone at 9pm.

Zampa · 14/03/2016 16:29

I think it's unfair to bash the NRP for responding (although I agree they shouldn't) whilst not also criticising the RP for allowing the phone in the bedroom ...

CheeseAndOnionWalkers · 14/03/2016 16:29

Children say all sorts. Mine claims ex does not make them do any tidying. They told him I never tell off dc2 and dc3.
You can't interfere with what's going on in the other house. Just say "In this house Xxx" and leave it as that. Even if they aren't told off at home, they should be used to different rules in different places through school.

hejsvejs · 14/03/2016 16:30

"It's belated because whilst they were together, there was no set bedtime"

So NRP didn't use to care about routines or set bedtimes either? And now that RP has started to impose a set bedtime, NRP doesn't like it?

NRP really needs to back off and stop undermining RP, like a lot of posters have already said.

curren · 14/03/2016 16:30

zampa I and others have said the RP should remove the phone.

But that's not their business. He still shouldn't respond.

zzzzz · 14/03/2016 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.