what would you think about this? (contact with NRP)

[princessozma]

Child is under 10, got a mobile phone for Xmas. Now regularly texts/ emails NRP sometimes during the day with general chitchat but also quite late at night (anything from 9-11.30pm saying they are bored or lonely, or both).

Parents are not on speaking terms.

NRP tends to take child's words at face value, so is annoyed with RP that child is stuck in bedroom etc...

We're the NRPs in this scenario and we don't respond to messages after a certain time (it's hard to have a conversation with yourself). When DSCs at ours, all screens remain downstairs at bedtime.

Could the NRP email the RP and suggest the same? Or is communication that bad?

If I were the RP, I would not allow phones to be taken to bed, and if I were the NRP, I would not be texting past, say 9.30pm, and just send a nice goodnight message. 11.30pm is way too late for a 10yr old.

Very cryptic thread.

This is slightly strange.

NRP is more strict, and yet seems to be annoyed that a bedtime is being imposed. imo It is normal for a child to be expected to stay in room from bedtime and not come down except very rarely.

I suggest NRP tells child to stop texting after 9pm and go to sleep, and then not answer texts after that time.

"NRP tends to take child's words at face value, so is annoyed with RP that child is stuck in bedroom etc..."

But that's what happens at bedtime...you send them to bed.

Child is saying they can't get up for a drink or any other reason as RP has partner there. RP has previously been fairly relaxed about bedtime and child would be allowed light on to read, to get up if unable to sleep etc.

As said, NRP genuinely believes child is sad/ lonely/ bored and cannot tell RP, and replies for this reason.

'Stuck in bedroom' and 'not allowed downstairs' - well I should hope not, bed time is bed time! It's really not in the child's interest to allow them to wander around past bed time, a good parent wouldn't allow them to sit downstairs watching tv etc past their bedtime, why would the NRP want that or think it appropriate?

A ten year shouldn't need to get up for a drink, they're plenty old enough to either have one just before bedtime or plan ahead and take water with them.

The child is sad because they now have a bedtime, most children do object to not staying up till the middle of the night.

NRP has general behaviour rules (you sit up at the table to eat, don't wander off in public places, take shoes off at the front door...pretty basic, non strict things but RP never tells them to do anything they don't want to. Hence why firstly they don't respond well to NRP asking any of the above, and secondly why bedtime appears to be creating this big issue).

Child is saying they can't get up for a drink or any other reason as RP has partner there. RP has previously been fairly relaxed about bedtime and child would be allowed light on to read, to get up if unable to sleep

The RP may be trying to set actual rules. Tired children suffer in school. May be the RP is trying to be responsible and have some time with their partner.

The NRP needs to understand children better and respect the RP. Who is the one that has to make these sorts of decisions.

NRP is upset that RP is finally doing an (important) aspect of parenting properly because the reason for this change is that the RP has a new(?) partner.

Child is playing on this by tugging on heart strings.

I bet if child lived with (stricter) NRP full time there would be proper bedtimes.

NRP needs to back up RP on this. Bedtime is bedtime and not texting time. Child won't be either sad or lonely if they are asleep.

Generally RP imposes very few rules, NRP is regarded by children as being too strict ('RP never is cross with us' - when NRP just saying 'please don't do...' etc) so is reluctant to say anything about this

Another example of the kids paying one parents off against another.

Whilst the parents were still together,children were put to bed once asleep, so they never had fixed bedtimes, it was whenever they dropped off. This continues for younger children (who are asleep by 8-830 still, but of course eldest isn't).

I presume you are the NRP, OP, and you don't have a civil relationship with your ex.

The child is caught in the middle, and is sad because RP is sending them to bed at a normal time (I actually think 9 pm is late for a child who isn't yet 10 - my 9 year old goes to bed around 8).

NRP is fuelling the fire here by replying to child, on several counts - the child is learning to manipulate both parents, playing them off against eachother, and the child is learning that he/she doesn't need to bother to communicate with the RP about things that happen in the RP's house. Neither of these is good.

If it were me, I would email RP, and let them know that these messages were coming, in a way that didn't even need a reply -

Dear RP,
X has started to text me regularly after 9 pm to say that he/she feels sad/lonely, and unable to get in and out of bed if he/she can't sleep. He/she says that he/she is "stuck in the bedroom".

Thought I should let you know in case you want to talk to child.

Yours,
NRP.

RP never tells them to do anything they don't want to. Hence why firstly they don't respond well to NRP asking any of the above, and secondly why bedtime appears to be creating this big issue).

and when the RP puts rules into place the NRP disrespects them and helps the child break the rules.

Sounds like RP can't do anything right in the eyes d the NRP.

Sounds like the child is learning how to press NRP'S buttons. Regardless of the reason it's pretty normal for a 10 year old to be in bed at 9 and imo responsible parents enforce a no electronics in room at that age. It's no big deal for kids to bring a drink to bed with them and not have to be up and down.
NRP needs to respond once saying goodnight and not pander to the manipulation.

The NRP sounds very bitter and is undermining the RP massively.

Whilst the parents were still together,children were put to bed once asleep - ah, but the parents are NOT together any more, and so there may be different rules in different houses.

I'm not going to comment on putting children to bed after they are asleep [sceptical]

Just think about this. My almost 12 year old goes to bed at 9pm (up at 7am).

Phone and laptop removed from 8.30 at the latest. She reads from 8.30 to 9pm.

She doesn't particularly like her bedtime or the no phone in the bedroom rule. But it's tough. If she doesn't get enough sleep she is rubbish the next day. As a parent that's my decision.

The NRP is undermining the RP and needs to knock it on the head if they don't want to mess with their child's head.

Part of the issue here is that the RP and NRP have no contact so there's been no communication of this setting of bedtime etc, it may be child is only giving half truth.

I agree parents should work together but if you have no idea what the other is doing, that's pretty difficult.

The whole 'RP never is cross/ tells us off because she loves us' (even though they're not being told off) is possibly something they say to RP too in reverse, but there's no way of confirming this with RP.

(I'm neither RP nor NRP).

Part of the issue here is that the RP and NRP have no contact so there's been no communication of this setting of bedtime etc, it may be child is only giving half truth

Actually that's not part of this problem. The RP is acting completely reasonably. A proper bedtime and rules that go with it. Wanting some adult time is also entirely reasonable.

The Only problem here is the NRP undermining the RP and responding to the child. They don't need to discuss wether the child is lonely at bedtime. It's bedtime it's not a group or family activity. Children at that age are on their own at bedtime and many don't like having to go to bed so make up all manner of excuses to avoid it.

The NRP needs to get grip.