SIL and Dogs!

[DillyDingDillyDong]

NC for this. Not sure if this is more of a WWYD or possibly just a rant!

It's DS's birthday on Friday and we're having a little party in our house on Saturday. There will be about 20 adults and ten children from 1-8.

SIL doesn't have any children, quite often makes a point of saying she doesn't want any, but has two dogs. She text DH last night to see if we needed her to bring anything and DH asked if she could pick a cake up from Costco on the way to save us doing it on Friday. She replied saying that she wouldn't have room in the car for the cake with the dogs being in there.

DH replied asking why the dogs would be in the car and she replied saying that she wouldn't be able to leave them at home for the few hours she is out at the party.

DH ended up calling her up and telling her that the dogs wouldn't be able to come, she then went on to say how the weekend is her time with the dogs and she doesn't want to leave them. She also knows that we've recently had our garden done and so said it would be really nice for them to be able to play outside. He just repeated that the dogs weren't able to come as we are possibly getting a bouncy castle on the day(our friend owns one and can give it to us last minute) if the weather is ok. She accused him of making this up and that he should have made it clear the invite wasn't for the whole family before saying that if her dogs went welcome then she wouldn't be comings do then hung up. DH was just in shock and we couldn't think of anything else to say to her. If she wants to miss her nephews first birthday because she can't leave the dogs for four hours at the most despite leaving them from half seven to half seven every day at work then it's up to her.

She text me earlier to ask if DH had told me what she had said. I replied and said he had and that it was a shame for her to miss the party but the dogs can't come and we had assumed that she would have known that. She replied saying it was a shame that we didn't recognise that the dogs are part of her family. I said that I know she cares about her dogs but this is a child's party and we don't want them here for it. She has just replied with this text

"I feel like you don't realise how important they are to me. They are my family, my babies. I would never not invite DS to my house or say he wasn't welcome or suggest you leave him at home or with a sitter. I'm not going to come on Saturday. I haven't seen DSsince Christmas and was looking forward to it but it's unfair to ask me to give up time with the boys when I get to spend so little time with them as it is."

I am sat here just in disbelief. I don't even know what to say to her.

I know I'm not being unreasonable not inviting the dogs to my house. I just have no idea where to go with this now. DH is in a meeting until one so I can't even call him to tell him what's been said. My jaw is aching from my face just being like this for the last ten minutes! She's always been very precious about the dogs and didn't come to a Christmas Eve thing at our old flat because we didn't have space for the dogs and all the presents were out under the tree etc. But I thought she would be a bit more reasonable about leaving them for a few hours to see DS.

Does anyone have any advice please?!

OP - just mention that there will be so much food that will poison or harm the dogs - chocolate, grapes, cooked chicken wings to name but a few, that it's a good job they're not coming.

"Oh boy, a new collar! Wow, it's the Medici pewter one from Mungo&Maud! Omigod, squeeee....!" said no dog ever.

Dilly, are you secretly looking forward to Saturday's fb posts?
Please, please share them!

Wow - that second facebook status shows just how sorry she was doesn't it?

Sister dumped them with her ex, eventually they got taken by a charity as he couldn't cope with them. They were still under a year so I hope they did get loving homes quickly rather than stuck in a home home. My aunt told me that DF snarkily commented that I hadn't dumped my kids when she was slagging me off one time . TBH DPs are big dog lovers and sister's treatment of the dogs did more damage to their relationship than anything else she's pulled. Sadly I wasn't witness to any of the rants, I was tucked up at home being fat and eating [biscuits]!

totally not on SIL's side and do think she is mad as a mad thing. However dog's do enjoy opening presents, especially if there's food type treats in the parcels, MIL's dog needs to have his own wrapped presents at xmas, he goes looking for them and will open everyone else's otherwise (it's quite cute watching him tear open his present).

OP, your SIL is marvellously odd and you and your DH are admirably restrained in not collapsing in laughter every time she wangs on about her fur-babies.

I hope the dogs are properly trained and looked after as dogs, not baby-substitutes, because that could come back to bite her on the bum. Literally.

My friend's brother has a dog who is treated like a child. He keeps track of how much time their parents spend babysitting friend's DC then insists that his parents 'babysit' the dog for an equal amount of time! He expects his parents to treat his dog exactly the same way as they treat their DGC

Some of these might come in handy for FB posts on Saturday !

StrictlyMumDancing

Does your mum now call sis out on her craziness?

Hilarious !! She really is BSC lol, hope you have a fab party for DS... shamelessly place marking

I'm with Mordir and it's not about not liking dogs. I have an outsize one that I think is lovely but it's a DOG not a child. I've given up on my favourite cafe/bar in Didsbury after 10 happy years exactly because of the fur babies issue. If I'm having lunch, socialising or just sitting in a corner with a newspaper I don't want someone's smelly bum licking 'baby' annoying the f* out of everyone except it's doting owner. Staff in ex fav cafe said they felt pressurised into letting the fur abides in because of stroppy hipsters who think they're entitled to bring their mutts in with them. Nothing like a good rant

I have a SIL exactly like this!

Gets the huff because dh and I didn't want to go to a party with her (autistic toddler and currently heavily pregnant (high risk).

But she can't leave her two dogs for more than an hour in case they 'get sad' and they can only stay with mil as they wouldn't feel safe with anyone else apparently.

Oh but EU and I have no life because we could easily dump dd and new baby on a baby sitter so we can go to a festival with her next year.

Sometimes I wonder if it is really about the dogs. Sil has been caught out (dreaded Facebook) bitching about me in the past as I've stolen her brother away and she doesn't get as much attention as she used to since we've had dd...

Complete nutter.

For someone who is so "knowledgeable" about dogs to the extent that she criticizes the way other people train their dogs, she seems remarkably ignorant about the effect that several over excited children will have on her dogs.

She clearly hasn't thought this through.

How earth do you hold your tongue and not respond? I'd have to reply:

'Look, we get it, a couple of mongrels are more important to you than your nephew, but are you so jealous of a 1 year old that you're going out of your way to steal all attention from him on his birthday? Seriously, grow the fuck up!'

Because you know his birthday is going to be all about her and her dogs even though she's not even there.

Im going to go against everyone else on this thread and say that I feel a bit sorry for SIL

She is unquestionably in the wrong, but she obviously has some issues, and I think it is a little unfair to be quite so horrible about her

I think you're enjoying the drama quite a bit now, OP, sorry. I can understand the annoyance but really, once you'd said no dogs at your son's party, what is there left to say? Your husband has said 'no' to a change of venue as offered by his mother... so it's sorted, isn't it?

You and your SIL don't seem to like each other or have any common ground so just leave it. She has her priorities, you have yours. You're getting what you want, which is a dog-free party, she's going to go on a walk with her dogs instead of coming so a win-win for both of you.

I feel sorry for the partners involved in this completely nutty issue. Your SIL is unreasonable in that she is seemingly happy not to see her nephew but you're coming across as a bit excessive with your 'making fun of her' as well as this was fully resolved with your 'no dogs, sorry, see you another time'...

Sounds just like my SIL(ly). Couldn't believe it when she and my brother turned up with their feisty border collie to my dd's 1st birthday party (in our garden). We had a fantastic lab at the time - around 8 yrs old, who was no trouble - we had 5 babies total at the party and no other children and if anyone had not wanted him there, we would have shut him away (as we did for her 2nd and 3rd birthdays). Anyway, it was highly inappropriate of them to bring their feisty dog - which used to attack our dog because it doesn't like other dogs - to a babies party without even asking us!!
They came again to see us when DD was 15 months old. This time SIL(ly) held dogs collar and DD sat and nonchantly patted it's stomach - I wasn't too keen on DD doing this as it was snappy with my lab but because I didnt want to make a scene, I let DD pat it.... Anyway, the dog moved its head up then down in a super fast gesture as if monetarily nuzzling DD. And then there was an almighty scream. Dog bit my 15 month baby on the face, narrowly missing the eye. Blood oozing. Just a puncture wound - but still scarred (7 now).
Anyway, we were very reasonable at the time, but the next day I sent an email to my brother because according to SIL(ly) he was denying all responsibility. In the mail, I basically said he was responsible as well and the dog needed some serious training - something I agreed in phone conversation with SIL(ly). Then it all Kicked off, nasty texts, brother and SIL(ly) screaming down the phone. Husband telling them to back off me. My Mother nasty to me taking their side (mother dislikes dog but brother is golden boy). Anyway, they told us that if they ever came to see us again, they would always bring dog (at that time, lived only 1 hr drive away). We ended up going NC for over a year. All the while we were NC, my mother constantly having a go at me about how unreasonable I am!! She's a narcissist just like brother and SIL(ly).
Unsurprisingly, the dog was never trained. When they had a child, the onus was put on the child "be nice to doggy", "leave Doggy alone". I assume there have been no instances with the child and yes, the dog is better behaved, I think in part because it is older and since they had the child, SIL(ly)'s become stricter with it. However, the onus is heavily on the child to be careful around the dog.

My wonderful lab died and I have a new puppy now. As with the other dog, I would never inflict him on someone else or bring him to a persons house without asking. What a cheek!! There again, I would never have a dog, which posed any danger to a child.
I've had 3 dogs now, two before becoming a parent. And yes, I do in some ways feel my first dog was my first child. Not because I'm batty, but because he was abused before I got him and I rescued him, he looked to me to protect him and we were inseparable.. Of course I know he wasn't a person and never expected anyone else to feel the same way or have expected someone to treat him as anything other than as a DOG. I also treated him like s dog. I speak of feelings not actions. I also never expected to take him to people's houses, who didn't want him.
We finally let DD approach this nasty dog last summer because it was simply unsvoidable - yes, it was at my mothers house, of course! Luckily she is very tall and mature for her age and I do now think, however nervous it made me feel, the dog no longer poses her a threat.
My family (mother, brother and wife) are all mad. For a long while I thought it was me - I'm the scapegoat and they're all narcissists and there is no reasoning with narcissists. Sounds like OP is in a similar situation. Well done for not compromising!!
Have a great party X

ItsAllGoingToBeFine. Yes, I do feel sorry for her. I think she may have massive issues and if I'm right, she cannot face them. unless and until she does, nothing will change. It is very sad. But only she can rescue herself.
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe. I get where you're coming from. You sound really clued up and appear to have great boundaries. I'm just learning to get some at the ripe old age of 44 and trust me, to get where I am today, I had to rant for England. I don't talk about the issue above anymore because it's resolved. But even so: Did you see how long my post is? ;)). God did I just put my neck on the block or what?

Lying I've not actually spoken to SIL since yesterday morning about this, I've only spoken about her on here and just in a text to my sister telling her what was going on. It's been DH dealing with her and I've just spoken to MIL like it said in my earlier post.

I'm absolutely not enjoying any drama surrounding my child's birthday party. I'm annoyed at her behaviour and trying to take limelight from a one year old but I think laughing at her ridiculous facebook posts is the only thing I can do right now. I was happy to leave it at the text I sent saying I was sorry she couldn't make it. She carried on taking to facebook and getting MIL involved.

Jane that sounds awful! Sorry that happened! Some people are just on another planet when it comes to children and dogs!

I just think it's a very sad situation, Dilly. It's not about 'limelight' either, it's a birthday party for your son, her nephew and for some reason, she is happy to forego it. Do you and she generally not have a relationship? I know that what she said about the dogs being grandchildren was very unreasonable in light of your own sad news but I can't help thinking that this sort of mindset comes from a place of pain somewhere and it's just a constant source of competition now. For myself, I couldn't put up with this, I would just have to remove myself from this flashpoint situation, but you may be made of sterner stuff.

As your husband is in agreement and has sorted out his mother, there's nothing left to do... except perhaps hide your SIL from facebook so that you don't see these posts perhaps?

Nah. I think this type of fuckwittery behavior deserves an audience. I don't feel sorry for her in the slightest.

Her comments to OP re her pregnancy were inexcusable and for that alone she deserves every negative comment she gets.

Perhaps, but this is a family, a real, living, breathing thing, not a parody to be poked fun at by people who aren't involved and aren't invested one way or the other. That's my take on it anyway.

I have wondered for some time about people using dogs to act out what they want to do and get away with. Several posts here, def including op's , are confirming this in spades. This clarifies what to do about this sit-it's not the dogs , it's the SIL.

IKWYM Roussette but I just think you can't reason with people like that. I would be seeing it much the same as setting a place for a child's imaginary friend. All you will get if you try to make them see reason, is histrionics so may as well play along if it gets you the outcome you want. And honestly I really do think this woman is mentally ill. I would feel kind of a bitch.

Obviously she's ridiculous.

But I actually think you and your dh are ridiculous about your sons's party.

He's only 1 (or have I misread that?)

He'll probably give less of a shit than the dogs.