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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

SIL and Dogs!

527 replies

DillyDingDillyDong · 14/03/2016 11:17

NC for this. Not sure if this is more of a WWYD or possibly just a rant!

It's DS's birthday on Friday and we're having a little party in our house on Saturday. There will be about 20 adults and ten children from 1-8.

SIL doesn't have any children, quite often makes a point of saying she doesn't want any, but has two dogs. She text DH last night to see if we needed her to bring anything and DH asked if she could pick a cake up from Costco on the way to save us doing it on Friday. She replied saying that she wouldn't have room in the car for the cake with the dogs being in there.

DH replied asking why the dogs would be in the car and she replied saying that she wouldn't be able to leave them at home for the few hours she is out at the party.

DH ended up calling her up and telling her that the dogs wouldn't be able to come, she then went on to say how the weekend is her time with the dogs and she doesn't want to leave them. She also knows that we've recently had our garden done and so said it would be really nice for them to be able to play outside. He just repeated that the dogs weren't able to come as we are possibly getting a bouncy castle on the day(our friend owns one and can give it to us last minute) if the weather is ok. She accused him of making this up and that he should have made it clear the invite wasn't for the whole family before saying that if her dogs went welcome then she wouldn't be comings do then hung up. DH was just in shock and we couldn't think of anything else to say to her. If she wants to miss her nephews first birthday because she can't leave the dogs for four hours at the most despite leaving them from half seven to half seven every day at work then it's up to her.

She text me earlier to ask if DH had told me what she had said. I replied and said he had and that it was a shame for her to miss the party but the dogs can't come and we had assumed that she would have known that. She replied saying it was a shame that we didn't recognise that the dogs are part of her family. I said that I know she cares about her dogs but this is a child's party and we don't want them here for it. She has just replied with this text

"I feel like you don't realise how important they are to me. They are my family, my babies. I would never not invite DS to my house or say he wasn't welcome or suggest you leave him at home or with a sitter. I'm not going to come on Saturday. I haven't seen DSsince Christmas and was looking forward to it but it's unfair to ask me to give up time with the boys when I get to spend so little time with them as it is."

I am sat here just in disbelief. I don't even know what to say to her.

I know I'm not being unreasonable not inviting the dogs to my house. I just have no idea where to go with this now. DH is in a meeting until one so I can't even call him to tell him what's been said. My jaw is aching from my face just being like this Shock for the last ten minutes! She's always been very precious about the dogs and didn't come to a Christmas Eve thing at our old flat because we didn't have space for the dogs and all the presents were out under the tree etc. But I thought she would be a bit more reasonable about leaving them for a few hours to see DS.

Does anyone have any advice please?!

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 14/03/2016 21:07

P.s. He did bing his dogs, for the full three fucking days and complained that I didn't seem interested in it.

PovertyPain · 14/03/2016 21:07

Bring his dog *

RandomMess · 14/03/2016 21:17
Shock
PovertyPain · 14/03/2016 21:20

On a more cheerful note, the poster inviting pets to a party and the madness that ensued, sounds absolutely hilarious. Grin

Slowlygettingthehangofthings · 14/03/2016 21:22

Thank you so much OP this thread has made my evening!

I have to agree with other posters- the situation seems less about the dogs and more about reasserting her position in the family. Well done to you and your DH for standing your ground.

Leave her to sulk. And if your MiL chooses not to attend then she'll be the one missing out.
I hope you have a lovely day with good weather and many happy returns to the little man!

cranberryx · 14/03/2016 21:40

This thread has been a rollercoaster, I bloody love it! Grin

Go DillySis!! And Mrdilly for the support. Your sisters comments have truly made my day OP!

Honestly, your SIL has truly lost the plot. I can't even begin to try and rationalise that behaviour.

I admit, before I had kids I was like this. I have two massive (30kg +) dogs and do still think of them as my "fur babies". They go to doggy day care when I am at work and if I am out longer than 3 hours I ask a willing friend/relative/dog walker to see to them. They are fine to be left and have been, but I just don't like it really.
I thought the puppy sleepless nights were the same as newborn nights and would wax about how I knew all about it... Blush 16 week DS next to me is most certainly not like a puppy. god I was stupid

Never in a million years would I assume my dogs have an invite, my SIL has a 6 week old and has invited us around lots. She's never said "the dogs can't come." Because it goes without saying. She has a cat, she has a small baby and even though we do to, you don't just assume your dogs are welcome anywhere.

What a PA dig about that sponsored walk. Angry

RaspberryOverload · 14/03/2016 21:42

Dollymixtureyumyum
*Hmmmmm she replied to your sister she might bob in on her way back from the walk when the party has died down. I would watch out for her turning up in the middle of the party saying "oh I thought it would have died down by now". From what you have said on here she is the type to do this just to prove a point. Hope I am wrong OP>

I think I agree with this. That your SIL would try to sneak the dogs in this way to prove whatever point she's making. So you probably need to watch out for that.

MetalMidget · 14/03/2016 21:50

"I have to agree with other posters- the situation seems less about the dogs and more about reasserting her position in the family."

It sounds like she needs to be taught her place in the pack - next time she visits and attempts to sit on the sofa, calmly put her on the floor and tell her to stay. Give her a treat if she performs the correct behaviour.

DillyDingDillyDong · 14/03/2016 21:51

Sorry I've only just managed to get DS to sleep.

The other comment on Facebook had nothing to do with me. Friend's wife doesn't like SIL after she sent her a message about the training they were doing with their dog basically saying they were wrong to do this certain method of training and stuff. She was very high and mighty apparently and made the friends wife feel awful.

I agree that she's tried to make a point of her dogs and DS should be treated the same and she isn't enjoying that DS is getting more attention. The whole MIL saying about treating the same I don't agree with. She should treat them both fairly but when they both have completely different lives and circumstances you can't be treated the same. I never got jealous or resented my sister or her dc whenever my mum and dad arranged things to suit them instead of accommodating my needs because common sense prevails!

So anyway, we've spoken to MIL again tonight and once again declined the offer to have it at her house. She asked to speak to me on the phone and said she knew it was a bit of a mess but we could think of something to sort it out. I just said there's nothing to sort out, she wants to walk her dogs and I don't want the dogs here. I said I don't want this to turn in to a big drama and have us look like we're I the wrong and that I'm really annoyed that everyone is trying to tiptoe around the fact that SIL has been completely unreasonable and nobody is going to call her out on it. I also said I'd understand if there was a deeper issue here that we didn't know about but as far as I know there isn't and she's just being ridiculous.

SIL has also called DH and said she is sorry it's got out of hand. He just said he didn't think she was and he found her behaviour childish and disrespectful, not just now but other times concerning the dogs. He said that he was disappointed that she felt the need to make it so public on Facebook and she just looked like she was looking for attention. He then said however that she is still welcome at the party if she wants to come but the dogs aren't to come. He then said to her that he didn't want to talk about it anymore and wanted to focus on DS and his birthday.

I certainly don't think this is the last of the dog issue but think we've at least set a precedent showing we won't put up with this crap!

Thanks for all the replies, some have been hilarious Smile

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 14/03/2016 21:55

I feel like giving both you and MrDilly high fives! I'll send you some MN Wine instead, I think you'll both need it after the day you've had!

leelu66 · 14/03/2016 22:05

That's told her Grin

Was she suitably chastened?

maamalady · 14/03/2016 22:05

That sounds really positive, actually, OP, from both MIL and SIL. Hopefully it's all done with now and common sense will prevail in future :)

purplepandas · 14/03/2016 22:07

Bloody hell. You and Mr Dilly are fab :)

Mothpop · 14/03/2016 22:22

She's prioritising herself over everyone including her dogs. It is stressful for dogs to visit a house they don't know filled with people they don't know. I don't care what people say about how much they trust their dogs but what happens if the children wind them up or make them feel threatened and one of them snaps?
She should to respect your wishes - it is your home after all.

stiffstink · 14/03/2016 22:26

Maybe the call with DH will have sent her off with her tail between her legs.

AnUtterIdiot · 14/03/2016 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alexa444 · 14/03/2016 22:31

I love my dog dearly. She is not a pet to me, she is family and my best friend. She is also perfectly happy chilling at home for a few hours while I go out. I don't get this mentality where people won't just leave them at home. Leaving a child is way different from leaving the dog. Illegal for a start! So that was an unfair comparison for her to make. Dogs are not children, this sort of thing drives me mad.

Yeah ok, in our family dogs would be welcome at a kids party. Dogs would love it, kids would love it, no one has to rush home. Win all around. But like you said, you have a bouncy castle which I can imagine would lose you a hefty deposit were you to damage it, plus the issue of them maybe doing a poo and the kids running through it and I really don't see why she can't just leave them to chill out on the couch while she sees her nephew. They would probably prefer that to being hounded by a dozen kids. Her weekends are her time with the dogs? Bit odd. How does she "see so little of them?" She lives with them for crying out loud. My every waking moment at home is my time with my dog, I think nothing of going out to meet friends, she is quite happy with the peace and quiet I should think.

This has to be some sort of MH thing, she is substituting them for children fgs. Try and be gentle about it.

I would send her a response saying "SIL I do understand how important they are to you, we love them too (lie through your teeth!) but it wouldn't be appropriate or safe for them to come. The kids will be constantly harassing them and if they take them in the castle and their claws puncture it, it will cost us a fortune plus it would terrify them and they could get hurt. Also we can't have # of kids trampling dog poo through the house if they get an upset stomach from the junk the children will end up feeding them behind our backs. DS would love to see you, even if just for an hour and I'm sure they will be fine and forgive you if you take them back a tasty treat. We and DS really hope you can make it for a little bit.

PainAuChocolat23 · 14/03/2016 22:32

GrinGrin reading this has been a brilliant bedtime story haha

Alexa444 · 14/03/2016 22:33

Sorry cross posted. Had the thread open in a tab from earlier and didn't realise it had moved on so much. What a muppet Grin

WonderingAspie · 14/03/2016 22:49

Wow! How have you not slapped her for her highly insensitive comment re your miscarriage, comparing it finding a breeder, putting your baby in a cot so her fucking dogs could roam free and saying her dog was your ILs DGC! I wouldn't have anything to do with her, she's a cow and knows what she is doing. She sounds about 8 years old.

Alexa444 · 14/03/2016 22:50

They also lick their own genitals, hump peoples' legs and sniff their own shit. It doesn't mean they are invited to other peoples' social events. In the dogs defence, so did my ex boyfriend. Except the genitals but he would have if he were flexible enough. This thread is hilarious, just read the whole thing and is better than Eastenders. This woman is unhinged.

Trojanhorsebox · 14/03/2016 22:58

So anyway, we've spoken to MIL again tonight and once again declined the offer to have it at her house. She asked to speak to me on the phone and said she knew it was a bit of a mess but we could think of something to sort it out.

Something so SIL gets her way rather than something so you and DH as parents get to have the party you want for your own child that'll be then?

Fizrim · 14/03/2016 23:17

I think her FB post was probably her undoing tbh, from the rapid backtracking from SIL & MIL I suspect they've had messages or phone calls about this (and not in a positive tone) from others. Screenshot that sponsored dog walk post!

I would laugh at this if it were not for your SIL's previous insensitive comments. You're a better woman than me on that score. She's made herself look ridiculous in public (via FB) by saying she'd rather walk her dog than go to her nephew's birthday - I hope someone asks how much she has raised so far in sponsorship link needed!

Badbadtromance · 15/03/2016 04:48

What type of dogs are they

Gooseysgirl · 15/03/2016 06:39

She sounds like a right piece of work Confused Well done to you and your DH for standing firm with SIL and MIL. And happy birthday to your little DS Smile

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