or is this guy actually not worth it

[dandydesmond]

Mumsnet jury - opinions wanted!

I am fairly new to dating, having come out of a very long term relationship a few months ago.

I started seeing a guy about 6 weeks ago that I think is a good laugh, generally nice and really interesting. He's good looking and the sex is amazing so that's a major bonus. When we started seeing each other, he texted a lot, always looked really happy to see me, wanted to go on dates and was generally absolutely lovely - said all the right things and we had a great time every time we met up. He also spoke in a kind of "middle-term" way - ie talking about meeting each others' friends and doing specific things in the medium term future. he asked me a few weeks ago to be exclusive (ie don't date or sleep with anyone else) - and I said that was fine.

This has changed massively in the last couple of weeks - he's not really listened to me, texted very little and generally been a bit aloof and cool for the majority of the time. When we are together, the sex is still amazing and he is very affectionate, but he just doesn't seem to be as into it as before.

Last week, when I went to watch him do an activity he does as a hobby (he asked me to), I oversaw him texting someone he had previously told me was a "friend" that had got him a referral for a new job he starts next week so he must've known her a while. He was saying that he wasn't sure about me as I am "high maintenance" and "stroppy" and that he thought she was hot and "he didn't date people who weren't". She said "maybe she'll relax" and he said "maybe, but i'm not hooked on the idea so maybe ill meet some hot blondes at [new place of work]". Just to clarify, I am not high maintenance. I have text a lot because that's how he started off and I just followed his lead.

I haven't said anything because I shouldn't have overseen and, to be honest, we're not boyfriend/girlfriend, so I don't think I can really, but it made me feel crap. I was just going to end it, but he came up and acted like literally nothing had happened and was all affectionate again, asking me out on a date this week and this weekend. I couldn't decide whether he was actually thinking those things or whether he was just posturing to this other person. I decided just to play it cool. However, couple this with the major change in tone and affection which hasn't actually got any better over the week and I am confused.

I want to keep seeing him because I actually do like him and he has never actually told me that he doesn't like me or given any outward indication that he wants to stop seeing me. However, the above issues are eating at me and I cant decide whether IABU to carry on with this...

He sounds shallow and superficial, great for a bit of sex but not much else, run for the hills!

Fuck him off, he has disrespected you how you can smile and pretend everything is ok is beyond me! He is clearly using you for a bunk up.

End it! You've seen the text and seen his true colours. Definitely make sure the text says something among the lines of him being high maintenance or not right for you. Just as long as he knows that it is him and not you!

I would end it. I was very circumspect about my DP when we first met and keen to play down the seriousness of it. But I never talked about him in such disrespectful terms as this man has about the OP. That says a lot about him IMO and what it says to me is 'run away'.

I think the trick to successful dating OP is to reframe the way you look at each 'date' that fails to come to something. Rather than seeing this relationship as a 'failure', consider it a stepping stone to the 'right' relationship. It's unlikely that the first person you meet is going to be the next person you have a serious LTR with, so unless you're seriously, seriously lucky, you could argue that ending your first relationship because it's not right is a sign that your old, recently unused, red-flag spotting skills are still functioning. You should feel pleased with yourself for saying 'this isn't how I expect to be treated and my self-esteem is robust enough that I am going to end it', rather than wanting to try harder and hope you 'win'.

Good luck OP.

He's basically told you not to carry on looking for others incase you found someone else you liked more and ditched him but he's obviously still looking around for 'better options' himself. Doesn't want you to ditch him because it's easy sex. Sorry but that's how some men work. He'll ditch you when he finds a new conquest. Or he'll just keep you on the side between conquests. So get there before he does and stop wasting your time with such a twat.

Definitely text him something along the lines of him being too high maintenance for you. It's a subtle way of letting him know you saw the texts. I hate any man that describes a woman as high maintenance.

Could it be that he was actually trying to show you the conversation on purpose? Does not make him less of a dick obviously but I doubt how can anyone see over my shoulder an entire conversation on my phone without me noticing it? So either way, it's a big signal to end t right here right now. I would not say you write "high maintenance " etc in the text in case he was showing that to you on purpose. So just say " I think it's not working out for me and just lovely sex is not what I want. Good luck" or something like it.

He is not being respectful towards you in all ways. He is not worthy of you or any more of your time. Tell him it was quite fun, but you need to move on and look for someone you could fall in love with, if you stay with him you'll never find Mr Right... And be prepared for a charm offensive from him when you dump him - keep in your mind that it won't be sincere.

How can you say that you have agreed to be exclusive, and yet are not boyfriend/girlfriend?