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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

or is this guy actually not worth it

109 replies

dandydesmond · 11/03/2016 16:56

Mumsnet jury - opinions wanted!

I am fairly new to dating, having come out of a very long term relationship a few months ago.

I started seeing a guy about 6 weeks ago that I think is a good laugh, generally nice and really interesting. He's good looking and the sex is amazing so that's a major bonus. When we started seeing each other, he texted a lot, always looked really happy to see me, wanted to go on dates and was generally absolutely lovely - said all the right things and we had a great time every time we met up. He also spoke in a kind of "middle-term" way - ie talking about meeting each others' friends and doing specific things in the medium term future. he asked me a few weeks ago to be exclusive (ie don't date or sleep with anyone else) - and I said that was fine.

This has changed massively in the last couple of weeks - he's not really listened to me, texted very little and generally been a bit aloof and cool for the majority of the time. When we are together, the sex is still amazing and he is very affectionate, but he just doesn't seem to be as into it as before.

Last week, when I went to watch him do an activity he does as a hobby (he asked me to), I oversaw him texting someone he had previously told me was a "friend" that had got him a referral for a new job he starts next week so he must've known her a while. He was saying that he wasn't sure about me as I am "high maintenance" and "stroppy" and that he thought she was hot and "he didn't date people who weren't". She said "maybe she'll relax" and he said "maybe, but i'm not hooked on the idea so maybe ill meet some hot blondes at [new place of work]". Just to clarify, I am not high maintenance. I have text a lot because that's how he started off and I just followed his lead.

I haven't said anything because I shouldn't have overseen and, to be honest, we're not boyfriend/girlfriend, so I don't think I can really, but it made me feel crap. I was just going to end it, but he came up and acted like literally nothing had happened and was all affectionate again, asking me out on a date this week and this weekend. I couldn't decide whether he was actually thinking those things or whether he was just posturing to this other person. I decided just to play it cool. However, couple this with the major change in tone and affection which hasn't actually got any better over the week and I am confused.

I want to keep seeing him because I actually do like him and he has never actually told me that he doesn't like me or given any outward indication that he wants to stop seeing me. However, the above issues are eating at me and I cant decide whether IABU to carry on with this...

OP posts:
CleopatrasDaughter · 11/03/2016 17:40

Oh goodness, dump him asap. What a loser. Fuck him.

BalloonSlayer · 11/03/2016 17:42

Don't let him know you saw the text! Don't allude to it in any way.

Just dump him in a cold way.

eg

"So sorry this isn't working for me any more. I'm afraid I'm just not the type to sit around watching a bloke play . I think you need more of a "little woman" type. All the best!"

I mean FFS! Asks you to come and watch him like you're his Mummy and then complain you're too high maintenance? Fucking cheek!

Notonthestairs · 11/03/2016 17:43

what eddielizzard said. Dump and walk away with your head held high. There's someone lovely out there and you'll look back and realise he was just a fill-in for you.

BalloonSlayer · 11/03/2016 17:43

** being whatever it was, it's come out funny on the screen

RoboticSealpup · 11/03/2016 17:44

How on earth did you manage to see that whole conversation. Was he sitting right in front of you?

TopHat33 · 11/03/2016 17:45

DEFINITELY dump him. DEFINITELY tell him apologetically it's because he's 'a bit high maintenance' for you.

OurBlanche · 11/03/2016 17:47

weakens your position Grin

Not sure about that when the only position OP is in is to dump him and ignore him forever after!

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 11/03/2016 17:57

You know what he's really thinking - how could you not dump him at this point?

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 11/03/2016 18:00

Please text him what ourblanche said.
Or say 'im really sorry but i find you to be a bit high maintenance and I've met a hit man at work'...he doesn't sound nice op...next one will be better hopefully!

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 11/03/2016 18:01

Hot man.not hit man! Don't threaten to kill him obvs Smile

EweAreHere · 11/03/2016 18:01

You're a stop gap; he's still looking. Actively. But has asked you not to. Fun times.

End it. You deserve better.

RoboticSealpup · 11/03/2016 18:05

Sorry, I missed the part where you said he was sitting in front of you. Did you read all this in the couple of seconds it took to bend down and wish him luck? Or you saw it, retreated and read to the end?

I'm totally missing the point of this thread, aren't I? Grin

He's horrible. You should dump him in a really cruel way.

magoria · 11/03/2016 18:07

You are Miss Right Now not Miss Right.

When he meets Miss Right it will be 'so long and thanks for all the fish'.

He is only nice when he sees you and knows he is getting sex. The rest of the time you don't really feature on his radar any more.

Vintage45 · 11/03/2016 18:07

I would also advise you OP to look after your emotions and don't sleep with anyone too soon. A sexual relationship after a few weeks for me personally sounds risky knowing how I associate myself with intimacy. Disclaimer.... All hail to these women that can and do.

RupertPupkin · 11/03/2016 18:15

I agree with the others who said you should dump him with a "sorry, you're a bit needy for me" text. He sounds awful!

stairway · 11/03/2016 18:18

Dump the bastard. Say' I'm sorry its not working. Its not you it's me. See you around'

Yellowbird54321 · 11/03/2016 18:35

When he meets Miss Right it will be 'so long and thanks for all the fish'.

Where does OP say she has ever given him any fish?

expatinscotland · 11/03/2016 18:37

Oh, fuck him off. What a wanker and mindfucker. Just text and dump. And no 'sorry' or 'it's not you it's me.' 'It's time we parted ways. You're a bit too needy for me and I'm looking for something and someone a bit more adult to connect with. Later.'

OhShutUpThomas · 11/03/2016 18:47

Dump him now before he dumps you.

'Sorry but this isn't working for me. It's been fun but you're just a bit too high maintenance. All the best and good luck finding someone who's a better fit for you.'

cuntycowfacemonkey · 11/03/2016 18:54

Dump him before he dumps you, because it does sound like this is a relationship going nowhere. I wouldn't tell him you'd seen the text just tell him it's not working for you

Vintage45 · 11/03/2016 19:01

After 6 weeks not sure if he's a wanker really. The op chose to sleep with him (he didn't put a gun against her head) Im saying that the op equates sex with intimacy and working towards love so she shouldn't sleep with someone too soon.

expatinscotland · 11/03/2016 19:03

Oh, c'mon. He's a fucking dicksmack. He's two-faced. Nice to her face and then texts vile stuff about her personality behind her back.

Dump now.

tryandtryagain · 11/03/2016 19:49

Fuck that shit. Get rid.

FinallyFreeFromItAll · 11/03/2016 19:54

OP - please tell us you've dumped him and said the line "I'm sorry but your just too high maintenance for me". It needs to be done.

Hot man.not hit man! Don't threaten to kill him obvs Smile

Grin that was a great typo

Vintage45 · 11/03/2016 19:59

Dear oh dear, Ive done exactly the same as the supposedly dickhead two faced man. Its 6 weeks for christ stake! and they aren't boyfriend/girlfriend according to the OP.

Stop investing too much. Don't sleep with someone first then expect to have an exclusive relationship.