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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is this guy actually not worth it

109 replies

dandydesmond · 11/03/2016 16:56

Mumsnet jury - opinions wanted!

I am fairly new to dating, having come out of a very long term relationship a few months ago.

I started seeing a guy about 6 weeks ago that I think is a good laugh, generally nice and really interesting. He's good looking and the sex is amazing so that's a major bonus. When we started seeing each other, he texted a lot, always looked really happy to see me, wanted to go on dates and was generally absolutely lovely - said all the right things and we had a great time every time we met up. He also spoke in a kind of "middle-term" way - ie talking about meeting each others' friends and doing specific things in the medium term future. he asked me a few weeks ago to be exclusive (ie don't date or sleep with anyone else) - and I said that was fine.

This has changed massively in the last couple of weeks - he's not really listened to me, texted very little and generally been a bit aloof and cool for the majority of the time. When we are together, the sex is still amazing and he is very affectionate, but he just doesn't seem to be as into it as before.

Last week, when I went to watch him do an activity he does as a hobby (he asked me to), I oversaw him texting someone he had previously told me was a "friend" that had got him a referral for a new job he starts next week so he must've known her a while. He was saying that he wasn't sure about me as I am "high maintenance" and "stroppy" and that he thought she was hot and "he didn't date people who weren't". She said "maybe she'll relax" and he said "maybe, but i'm not hooked on the idea so maybe ill meet some hot blondes at [new place of work]". Just to clarify, I am not high maintenance. I have text a lot because that's how he started off and I just followed his lead.

I haven't said anything because I shouldn't have overseen and, to be honest, we're not boyfriend/girlfriend, so I don't think I can really, but it made me feel crap. I was just going to end it, but he came up and acted like literally nothing had happened and was all affectionate again, asking me out on a date this week and this weekend. I couldn't decide whether he was actually thinking those things or whether he was just posturing to this other person. I decided just to play it cool. However, couple this with the major change in tone and affection which hasn't actually got any better over the week and I am confused.

I want to keep seeing him because I actually do like him and he has never actually told me that he doesn't like me or given any outward indication that he wants to stop seeing me. However, the above issues are eating at me and I cant decide whether IABU to carry on with this...

OP posts:
Gobbolino6 · 11/03/2016 20:01

Dump him now.

expatinscotland · 11/03/2016 20:04

'Dear oh dear, Ive done exactly the same as the supposedly dickhead two faced man. Its 6 weeks for christ stake! '

Instead of just cutting him loose? Wow. It's okay not to like someone, but then, well, dump them rather than texting shit about them behind their backs and then being nice to their face Hmm.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/03/2016 20:07

" I couldn't decide whether he was actually thinking those things or whether he was just posturing to this other person."
Either way, dump. You don't need someone who genuinely thinks that, and nobody needs someone who postures.

Jw35 · 11/03/2016 20:10

I think having great sex 6 weeks in proves absolutely nothing. Unfortunately if you sleep with someone so soon you can't have any idea how the relationship will pan out. You've had sex more than once and yet you can't call him your boyfriend! To me that's a massive risk and by the sound of it he's using you Sad I'm so sorry.

AyeAmarok · 11/03/2016 20:10

Definitely dump. Don't just be someone's backup until some "hot blonde" Hmm comes along. You're better than that.

Take some control back. I do like OurBlanche's text.

StarlingMurmuration · 11/03/2016 20:11

Commitment-phobe, I'd guess. Loves the chase then says you're too high maintenance when you respond in kind. Sounds so much like one of my exes that I'd wonder if you were dating him, except the world is full of similar twats.

AyeAmarok · 11/03/2016 20:12

Either way, dump. You don't need someone who genuinely thinks that, and nobody needs someone who postures

Definitely this!

Neither of these options make him a good guy. Both make him an utter prick.

TwoTwentyGowerRoad · 11/03/2016 20:13

Yellowbird it's a reference to line from a book by Douglas Adams I think. It means to be a bit glib which would be right for this situation I MHO.

ChasingPavements · 11/03/2016 20:14

You need to dump, and soon. That inner voice is usually right, and then you saw written confirmation of your suspicions.

Just send a text, "hi xx, this isn't working for me and so I won't be seeing you again. I wish you well."

Pride would come before me doing anything else.

Thanks
StarlingMurmuration · 11/03/2016 20:19

Please send him a text dumping him for being too high maintenance.

Wheresmybippers · 11/03/2016 20:21

Yeah, definitely dump and I'd slip in a sly remark about him coming on too strong but don't let him know you saw the text.
They're not all like that and I don't agree that OP had sex with him too soon, each to their own!
I do wonder how you saw the entire conversation though?

NameAgeLocation · 11/03/2016 20:21

He asked you to be exclusive, but you're not really boyfriend and girlfriend?
I thought that was pretty much the definition?
He asked you to come and cheer you on from the sidelines, then complained you were too high maintenance? Confused
He is rude about you behind your back?
Everyone else said it already (as did you), LTB. You can do so much better. At the very least aim for someone who is clever enough not to text rude things about you when you're sitting right behind him!
Flowers OP. There are plenty of nice men out there who will be proud to tell their friends how much they like you.

Jw35 · 11/03/2016 20:27

They're not all like that and I don't agree that OP had sex with him too soon, each to their own!

They're not all like that but this one is and if she waited a bit longer she would have found out and had less heartache. I think it's too soon but that's my personal opinion. I would wait at least 3 months before having sex (maybe as long as 6)! I'be been in these situations before and had one night stands, none of which were worth it.

bringbacksideburns · 11/03/2016 20:39

Have you dumped him yet?

By text, either the 'I'm sorry this isn't working for me, you are too high maintenance. ' or ' I'm sorry. I only date hot people.'

What an arse!

wowfudge · 11/03/2016 20:48

Oh I don't know - quite tempting to tell him you've met a hit man at work. You can do so much better OP.

Wheresmybippers · 11/03/2016 20:57

Jw35 I realised after I posted that I hadn't worded it how I meant it. I think it depends on how you feel about sex. If it's something really can't think of a way of putting this without sounding like a slut sacred (?) thing for a person then I agree. Wait until you're sure about your partner. For me it's not so connected to feeling so I used to enjoy the sex without worrying about where it was going iyswim. So it depends how OP is feeling about sex just now.

Either way, LTB!!

Teaandcakeat8 · 11/03/2016 21:14

Dump him.

I wouldn't mention the text, it'll either give him the chance to make excuses to you when you deserve better. Or he'll twist it and make you sound like the person in the wrong for reading it (you are not in the wrong).

Dump him, play it cool and leave him wondering. Guys like this get their buzz from thinking they're great and that women will always put up with them.

Jw35 · 11/03/2016 21:14

I can agree on that one Wheres! For me it would be too emotional but each to their own.

CatThiefKeith · 11/03/2016 21:22

I would text something like:

Hi XXXX

I feel really bad for saying this, especially after you said you wanted to be exclusive, but this isn't really working for me. Let's stop pretending, the sex is awful and we are on different levels intellectually, but it's been fun, I'm just not ready for someone as earnest as you right now. Take care.

But then I am a bitch!

CatThiefKeith · 11/03/2016 21:24

You could even mention how needy he is....

'I don't watch my 5yo nephew/niece/child play sport on a Sunday morning, let alone a grown man I'm only dating. Sorry mate, too demanding, I am off ski :)

LaceyLee · 11/03/2016 21:30

Def dump him by text! Loving the suggestions by pp. Hes only with you for sex and will dump you as soon as someone else comes along, sorry op.

Birdsgottafly · 11/03/2016 21:31

'Being exclusive', does mean that your BF/GF, i wonder why it is that you don't think you are?

There's nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship, but having fun together, but it doesn't seem to be what you want and it sounds complicated.

I think that you need to work out if you are happy dating, or if you want a relationship, this is neither and seems to have gotten confused, as you've gone on.

Dating should be fun, it doesn't sound fun, there should be no angst, after only six weeks, so end it.

lottielou7 · 11/03/2016 21:36

I think that once you start having sex with someone it can cloudy your view of them. This man does not sound very nice at all - I would finish it as hard. As it may be.

Cabrinha · 11/03/2016 21:53

Jesus love, self respect please!
Dump.
Three great ways:

  1. Just gently say he's not for you and leave him wondering and floundering (for 10 secs, he won't actually care, but at he'll have 10 secs of ego dent)
  1. As others say, use "too high maintenance" in a text as your reason to dump him
  1. Actually tell him that you read over his shoulder and he can fuck right off
TendonQueen · 11/03/2016 22:13

Send the 'you're not doing it for me, sorry' text and make no reference to his. As someone said, that'll be the best dent to his ego. Then ignore all future messages.