Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

or is this guy actually not worth it

109 replies

dandydesmond · 11/03/2016 16:56

Mumsnet jury - opinions wanted!

I am fairly new to dating, having come out of a very long term relationship a few months ago.

I started seeing a guy about 6 weeks ago that I think is a good laugh, generally nice and really interesting. He's good looking and the sex is amazing so that's a major bonus. When we started seeing each other, he texted a lot, always looked really happy to see me, wanted to go on dates and was generally absolutely lovely - said all the right things and we had a great time every time we met up. He also spoke in a kind of "middle-term" way - ie talking about meeting each others' friends and doing specific things in the medium term future. he asked me a few weeks ago to be exclusive (ie don't date or sleep with anyone else) - and I said that was fine.

This has changed massively in the last couple of weeks - he's not really listened to me, texted very little and generally been a bit aloof and cool for the majority of the time. When we are together, the sex is still amazing and he is very affectionate, but he just doesn't seem to be as into it as before.

Last week, when I went to watch him do an activity he does as a hobby (he asked me to), I oversaw him texting someone he had previously told me was a "friend" that had got him a referral for a new job he starts next week so he must've known her a while. He was saying that he wasn't sure about me as I am "high maintenance" and "stroppy" and that he thought she was hot and "he didn't date people who weren't". She said "maybe she'll relax" and he said "maybe, but i'm not hooked on the idea so maybe ill meet some hot blondes at [new place of work]". Just to clarify, I am not high maintenance. I have text a lot because that's how he started off and I just followed his lead.

I haven't said anything because I shouldn't have overseen and, to be honest, we're not boyfriend/girlfriend, so I don't think I can really, but it made me feel crap. I was just going to end it, but he came up and acted like literally nothing had happened and was all affectionate again, asking me out on a date this week and this weekend. I couldn't decide whether he was actually thinking those things or whether he was just posturing to this other person. I decided just to play it cool. However, couple this with the major change in tone and affection which hasn't actually got any better over the week and I am confused.

I want to keep seeing him because I actually do like him and he has never actually told me that he doesn't like me or given any outward indication that he wants to stop seeing me. However, the above issues are eating at me and I cant decide whether IABU to carry on with this...

OP posts:
fassbendersmistress · 11/03/2016 22:20

OP please dont beat yourself up over this dalliance/fling. Chalk it up to experience of getting back out there/the rebound fling...(and hey, at least the sex was good, wasn't all bad at the end of the day).

But yes, I'm with all the pp's...Dump. Him. Quick.

Arrowminta · 11/03/2016 22:47

Wow, he was slagging you off via text when you were in the room and didn't hide it cleverly. I'd dump him and move on to someone nicer.

TheStoic · 11/03/2016 23:27

Oh for gods sake, it's got nothing to do with the OP sleeping with him or not. He'd be a dickhead no matter when sex happened.

Stop trying to impose your own moral code on the OP. She's an adult, I'm sure she can pick herself up and dust herself off just fine.

OP, I wouldn't send any text at all. Whatever you send will just be proof of your 'high maintenance'.

This guy is what 'ghosting' was invented for.

IrishDad79 · 12/03/2016 00:20

The guy sounds like a bit of a knob, clearly doesn't really like or respect you, and you should dump him now ("get your retaliation in first") BUT there's a lot of holier-than-thou bullshit being spouted on this thread. I bet most of you at some point have communicated unflattering descriptions of people you've been dating to your friends, family etc. particularly when you "weren't that into them!"

Vintage45 · 12/03/2016 00:29

I want to get to a person first before I become intimate. 6 weeks doesn't do it for me.

Vintage45 · 12/03/2016 00:32

Get to a person Grin I meant "get to know a person" Blush

TheStoic · 12/03/2016 00:45

I want to get to a person first before I become intimate. 6 weeks doesn't do it for me

That's great. But telling someone else that they should do that too is nonsensical.

Vintage45 · 12/03/2016 00:55

Im not telling anyone what they "should" do Stoic, Im saying what works for me and most of the women I know.

Alasalas2 · 12/03/2016 01:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClarenceTheLion · 12/03/2016 01:11

Personally I'd mention the texts - you didn't do anything wrong, it's not like you were trying to see - and see how he responds. If he's mortified and apologetic then he was possibly just posturing to a friend. Six weeks is too early for an emotional attachment to have formed. Some people are very cautious about new relationships. If he's cold or defensive or angry, then he did mean it, and that's the point where you drop him like a hot brick.

FrancisdeSales · 12/03/2016 01:17

Nah just dump his sorry arse.

ClarenceTheLion · 12/03/2016 01:18

Plenty of people abide by the 'three date' thing. Actually I just saw it referenced on an old episode of Big Bang Theory. So, three Friday dates - sex by week three. Not that I like schedules for this kind of thing - and frankly if you fancy the arse of someone you're only been out with once and you're a responsible grown woman, no-one has the right to judge because you don't want to wait 3 weeks, 6 weeks, three months, a year, or whatever arbitrary number everyone in our country is comfortable with, before having sex with him.

TheStoic · 12/03/2016 01:22

Im not telling anyone what they "should" do Stoic

That's exactly what you're doing.

I would also advise you OP to look after your emotions and don't sleep with anyone too soon.

she shouldn't sleep with someone too soon.

Don't sleep with someone first then expect to have an exclusive relationship.

She didn't 'expect' to be exclusive, he specifically asked her to be.

She is hurt because of what he said about her. I'm sure she'd be hurt to hear that about herself from someone she liked, whether she'd slept with him or not.

Your sexual boundaries are fine - for you. Telling others they should share them is very weird.

InionEile · 12/03/2016 01:26

The sex was good, OP had fun as did the guy but clearly he is not a keeper so... time to move on. I agree with eddieizzard - he is stringing you along as an option for sex, dates, fun etc until someone better comes along. I would put a stop to his gallop and tell him you're done. If he asks why, say the sex just wasn't up to much Grin. That should irk him more than anything else. I'm sure he's the kind of a guy who thinks he's a real stud.

Alasalas2 · 12/03/2016 01:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PegsPigs · 12/03/2016 02:51

Dump him. Before he finds this 'hot blonde' and moves on. What a wanker.

lottielou7 · 12/03/2016 04:08

'Make them beg. Then they stay forever'

Utter nonsense, IMO. If someone really likes you then the point at which you have sex with them is neither here nor there. Don't blame the op for his shitty behaviour.

TheStoic · 12/03/2016 04:14

'Make them beg

Oh, vom. I'd hope the man I was w

TheStoic · 12/03/2016 04:15

...with had more self respect than to beg someone for sex.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 12/03/2016 06:03

I'm exclusive with the guy I'm seeing but that doesn't mean he's my boyfriend. After 3 months we agreed to get Sti tests and go without condoms. In order for this to be safe we have agreed to be exclusive sexual partners. He's definitely not my boyfriend, he's a really nice guy that I'm dating.

IrishDad79 · 12/03/2016 06:24

Alasalas2
" I made my current man wait 3 months. Make them beg. Then they stay forever. Worked with previous husbands/boyfriends too."

If they stay forever why are they ex-husbands/boyfriends?

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 12/03/2016 06:31
Grin I fucked my ex husband straight after I met him. Doesn't mean I didn't make him beg though Wink You know there is literally no rule on when you should have sex and how long the relationship will last right?
KoalaDownUnder · 12/03/2016 06:38

I really hope you get rid of this disrespectful twat immediately.

There is nothing to redeem here. He will keep on using you until he finds someone else.

(Please note: this says everything about him, and nothing about you.)

RaeSkywalker · 12/03/2016 07:28

As everyone else has said OP, dump and move on.

koala is right- this is his issue. Walk away and find something better.

I wouldn't tell him you saw the messages- it'll dent his ego more if you say it's not working for you!

Aeroflotgirl · 12/03/2016 08:16

He's an arse, slagging you off behind your back, pretending all is ok. Not a nice man. Dump him, you have just come out of a long relationship, I think right now you need to be single for a bit, enjoy life and it will give you the space to decide what you want in the long term. You really rushed too soon into dating IMHO after such a long relationship.

Swipe left for the next trending thread