"But I dont think i'll ever have the bit where Im loved and supported, do you think its possible to get better without that?"
Yes I do. But only if you can get help to go back and unlearn the deep seated ways of thinking and behaving that you need to help caring about yourself and treating yourself in the way you deserve.
That's mid/ long term counselling not a quick visit to a GP, and counselling by a really experienced person who you personally click with. That's not necessarily liking what they say occasionally, or even liking them sometimes, but knowing they 'get it' and can lead rather than flounder in the depth and complexity of your situation.
By the way, I think in the depths of your pain you are feeling like people don't get or relate to the awful traumatic things you have been through. Does it help to know other people have been in the depths of agony and tragedy as you are now? I'm saying this in a supportive, you're not alone kind of way and not in a 'well other people manage ok' way which would be a very distressing thing to be told, so please bear with me!
I have been through some dreadful times. Still am. I have no one except my DS. Abusive childhood - very. My sister suffered terribly and then died. My father died too, in distressing circumstances. Abusive H. Rape. Debt. Housing worries. I get sick. Parents with hold vital medical info and deny my illness. Become severely disabled. Bad medical care/ no medical care. H abuse. Carer abuse. PTSD on top of a lifetimes damage and trauma. Me and DS could also die.
And that's the perspective I'm posting from. One of knowing only too well how 'a bad childhood' is the joy that keeps on giving. The accumulation of bad experiences hammers you to the ground. Everything you try and grab on your way down actually turns into more badness and makes you sink quicker.
I am now severely disabled and reliant on carers to live. I don't even have basic autonomy over my body, home or belongings. Somewhere in all of this is me struggling like grim death to care for and bring up my child.
So, in short, I do get quite how awful life can be, and that you're not having a moment of sadness that you need to snap out of or peek yourself up. I suspect quite a few posters also are coming from the same place of 'getting it', understanding how bad things can be.
And it's very hard to keep respiring let alone try and change and heal and build resilience and health when you can't even face making yourself a cup of tea. Cope with being your own advocate, dealing with unhelpful people, keep on pushing and trying to get any help.
It's bloody unfair! And no one should ever have to do this. But sadly, it's quite a few people's reality and struggle.
For me it was a gradual breakthrough taking years to finally understand that i didn't know how to create healthy bonds with people, and a lot of pain came from trying to get kindness and support from the wrong people.
I surrounded myself with people who didn't care about me. As that's the only relationship template I had (have, sadly). And then was hurt and traumatised when they didn't support or care about me.
Different standards for other people - I really get that. You can't change them. You can change you and how much you let yourself be vulnerable to people who behave like that.
I lost nearly every friendship I had. Mostly through being inconveniently ill, distraught and needing help which they chose not to give. It was awful but I am a better and healthier person now I don't have them reinforcing my zero self esteem.
I've got a long long way to go but one day I hope I'm able to build some new closer bonds with people. When I'm ready.
I don't look on it as a failure (try not to anyway), I look on it as needing to be very very gentle and caring and kind to myself. I can feel compassion for myself and see what a terrible time I've had / having and that means I have to be even gentler with myself than to a normal healthy person. I'm used to hating myself and seeing myself fail over and over again.
I am far to used to sacrificing all to others and hoping against hope someone spares a crumb of kindness in return. And being devastated when they take everything from me and walk away when I'm empty.
I feel like I've 'gone the long way round' when it comes to this stuff. But I'm glad I'm coming along this way even if it's the longest route in history (!), as where I was was horrible and I don't ever ever want that to be my only world.
I guess I'm rambling but what I wanted to say is, concentrate on yourself for a while. Ignore everyone else. You need care and attention, love and above all, protecting from the things that will hurt you more.
It's like inside you've got a poor hurt bird who has bashed itself by flying into a window (or car / tree which ever you prefer - it's your bird after all!). This bird has been injured badly and needs nursing back to life. You need to put lots of soft materials and cotton wool all around it, maybe laid in a cardboard box (it's your bird, you get to decide!), then you give it water and little bits of food, bandage wings, smooth feathers and you gently gently help it get well... You wouldn't hope it gets better by shoving it outside in a thunder storm would you? Or leave it lying on a bird table with a fox in the garden? Or flopping around on a frozen puddle? Or in the middle of a road? Or leave it without food and water?
So do the same for the you inside there - don't put yourself out there on a metaphorical dual carriage way!
Sorry I hope you're still reading after my epic warbling 