To wish someone cared?

[elementofsurprise]

I'm the only one who stands up for me or thinks i'm worth anything. I tried to reach out to a friend for support on FB - someone who has previously been shocked a stuff I've been through and been positive about me - and they blanked me. I don't understand this. The evidence suggests no-one can care about me, and if they do it's a mistake. I have been through stuff I can't deal with. I feel dirty and used and frightened. But I am always treated like I am bad and wrong and overreacting if I need support - I am treated differently from others. I have posted here before about my appalling expereinces within the MH system and how I can't get any help or support (have tried private too, but therapist "dumped" me, saying I was too fucked up basiclly, and needed more support - I cannot afford what I apprently need privately).

I try so hard to keep going every day but it's only me on my side and I just wish there was someone there who would give me a hug and not think I'm a bad person or expect things of me and be disappointed with me. It would help bear the pain so much. Is it wrong to wish someone cared? Am I bad? I don't need anyone to do anything, just care, maybe listen sometimes. But people just want to give me self-help tips - I have these coming out my ears. I'd just like someone to not have a vague or overt disaproval of me, or blaming me. Someone who just says "gosh, that must be hard, you poor thing". Someone rooting for me, and who doesn't act like I've done something wrong if I'm hurting. Am I bad for this? Is it wrong?

I care.
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. It's an empty and lonely place.
I'm home alone. 1 month ago I had a husband who I believed loved me endlessly. I have 2 children from previous marriage, 1 DD together, and 2 stepchildren.
Life was chaotic, and beautiful.

He's gone. I don't really know why.
My little DD is with him tonight. He was always a good and loyal husband.
My eldest are with their (abusive to me) father. My step children are with their Dad.
I'm rattling around a huge house, devoid of life. I exist. Each day is like being in a hole.

Handholding.

I would NEVER blank someone who was struggling, no matter what difficulties I had. It just seems so cruel

It is not cruel when you are at breaking point yourself and you have nothing left to give to anybody else

Don't judge others by your own standards

That must be really hard, you poor thing. I totally get the needing support thing. Sometimes living is such hard work if you are on your own. I have mild depression atm and paying someone to listen helps me a lot. You are just human, not bad and it is natural to want a hand to hold. I hope things ease for you soon.

MrsJuice Bloody hell, what a shock. I'm so sorry you're going throgh this. Handholding back.

Organon8 I'd never blank someone, it's cruel in any context. If I couldn't talk to them I'd gently let them know I had a lot going on and was struggling myself. But I wouldn't just ignore them. Believe me I know about being at breaking point, it's no excuse to be cruel.

It makes no sense anyway cos we were communicating before that, it was very sudden and weird. Feels like I'm being punished for needing support, the moment I said acually no I'm struggling, would you have time for a chat, I got blanked suddenly.

I'm shocked you think it's appropriate when you know someone suffers with trauma that if they ask for a chat its ok to just blank them! What if they killed themselves, for a start? (This almost happened to me once - I ill-advisedly left someone alone in a right state, they hadnt specifically asked me for help but I was sort of looking out for them and they nearly died.) And just... how can you? How can you keep going knowing that someone's in huge pain and even a gentle message explaining you care but are unable to talk because of x would make a huge difference? I'd quite happily be mutually supportive if he or anyone has something going on... but blanked is just horrible. Makes me scared of everyone, you never know if you can trust anyone, they could seriously hurt you and tip you over the edge. I try to have ways of dealing with the nightmares and stuff and friends you can have a chat with - even if most of the chat is everyday normal chitchat, but they just know you're struggling - is a huge help. But it's not safe to have that as a crisis management thing if people cant be trusted. But without it life is overwhelming. I dont want to carry on, i'm sorry. I want the pain to stop and not to be a shit person for needing support. I hate this world if people think its ok to blank someone in pain.

I know you're ill OP, but it really is terribly unfair of you to put that much responsibility for your own well being onto someone else.

How often have you heard guilt ridden friends told 'there was nothing you could have done' after someone dies through suicide? Because it is true.

This person is unable to offer what you think you are owed, and you have to be OK with that.

Especially if they are just a friend, and not a medic.

This friend is a man- does he have a partner? Is it possible the partner became uncomfortable with your closeness and you needing him so much?

It's terrible that you can't get the help you need from the NHS when you are really ill. Massive hugs

You seem to be really over-reacting to your friend and to some posts on the thread - probably due to your illness - but it really isn't a good idea to have so much invested in another person's response

it's cruel in any context. If I couldn't talk to them I'd gently let them know I had a lot going on

You are judging again by your own standards. Sometimes someone can be so upset that the are not able to do even this. Just accept that they have a lot going on.

really is terribly unfair of you to put that much responsibility for your own well being onto someone else

This^^

I don't know whether you're open to religion or not, but churches offer friendship and care. Could you contact your local vicar?

Frozen How often have you heard guilt ridden friends told 'there was nothing you could have done' after someone dies through suicide?
When I know how little help there is out there and how people can quite often not give a shit about the mentally ill, I often wonder if this is true. (Did anyone else study "An Inspector Calls" in school?!) People really are neglected, I've seen it, not just with me. Not just neglected either - actually treated as outcasts, or even laughed at, blamed, etc. If there's nothing anyone can do, why bother having a mental health service, why bother caring about friends or family at all? Love and care matters to people, and people die for the lack of it. That said, those who are guilt-ridden after a suicide are unlikely to be the ones who didn't care prior.

But honestly, if someone reaches out for help and doesn't get any, or is treated like a waste of time, then kills themsleves, it's pretty obvious someone could have done something!

Im confused though what you think a medic can give than a friend couldn't. I feel worthless, unwanted, useless and unlovable. I try to not feel these things, to talk myself up, but obviously a chat with someone who thinks i'm worth something, aka a friend, is very very helpful. Tbh it's fairly helpful even if they dont know how dreadful i'm feeling, although someone knowing and understanding is loads more helpful. Going to A&E will get me told to go to my GP or go see a friend! And it's so awful to feel you are so rubbish you can't be part of normal society and only people paid to will bother with you. Do you know how that feels? To be sat waiting to see professionals who will ask you humiliating questions about whether there really isn't anyone you can go and be with to keep safe? Really, no friends? they say, incredulous. Bloody hell, just typing it is making me cry. I wish I was worth enough to have someone who cared irl

Sorry, got a bit lot at the end there, finding things very hard atm.

Tea No, he doesn't have a partner. But anyway I don't "need him so much",I dont think. I asked if he'd have time for a chat over the next couple of weeks (this was 2.5 weeks ago) as I was struggling and it would be nice to speak to a friend. I don't call him often, we mainly communicate via facebook (chat), with the odd phone call. It just seems odd.

And it confuses me and sort of 'undoes' any good from the friendship previously. What I mean is, having people who like you is helpful when the nightmares can take over and drag you down. But if actually he is quite happy to blank me, knowing how much pain i'm in, then actually clearly he doesn't care that much or i'm not worth that much (to him). Which is fine in itself, but does mean any bonus feel goodness from feeling wanted and that I could trust him is misplaced. Does that make sense?! The sort of ... knowing someone's got your back... reassurance feeling.. turns out to be false, as far as he's concerned.

Organon The judging by my own standards comment is weird. In the same way, presumably I'm judging murderers by my own standards because I'd not murder? I'm just shocked and deeply saddened if humanity is so cruel most people think this is acceptable. I'd not ignore someone, in the same way I'd not ignore someone who collapsed in the street in front of me, even if I didn't know them. This guy is carrying on going to work as normal, posting bits and bobs on facebook etc - nothing so horrific has happened to him that he can't, in 2.5 weeks, send a message saying "sorry, a lot going on here..."! This world is such a horrible, uncaring place, I dont want to be here.

And again - is wanting a chat with a friend really putting so much of my wellbeing onto someone else? Yes, I'm really struggling, but that's not actually my fault, I didnt choose to be in this position, so I am not putting anything on anybody! Amongst all the other things I have done to try to feel better, speaking to a friend was just one of them. I feel like i'm being blamed for reaching out for help, which if I'd not done it people on here would be advising me to do . Also this post is not about him, it's about how I feel in general, sorry, maybe that's not clear in the OP.

I'm so confused, I feel like I'm expected to (and happy to!) care about others needs and feelings much more than they are about mine. It feels like I've been taught morals that aren't true, or rather are true, but only for everyone else and I'm somehow subhuman so the same rules don't apply to me. It's so weird, and frightening.

hmm, so the responses seem to suggest that on some level it IS wrong to wish someone cared. Or maybe the general feeling is ok but wanting anyone specific to care is wrong? Unless its professionals? Although I find friends more helpful than professionals for the reasons above... and because professionals have turned me away even more than friends have. Hmm.

And all of this is just extra shite on top of what im actually overwhelmed by and in pain with... all the stuff from my past and bleak outlook for the future... no chance to have children.. or a career... or anything worthwhile... and so much pain and condemnation, i am a bad person even though i always triedto be good enough, people can hurt me and get away with it

Element I'm sorry that you're going through so much

Off course you have every right to have someone care. Your pain and struggle is coming across very clear in your posts. In the same way it's very 'heavy' and maybe your friend doesn't have the emotional capacity to help you right now.

I don't think it's cruel to not respond to you. You are placing far too much on this person's actions.(watching his fb profile over the 2 weeks) it is also really unfair to place suicide on someone else. People have their own issues, problems and sometimes can't be available.

Fwiw if you were my friend, I wouldn't ignore you even if I couldn't be there for you. However I do know that everyone reacts differently and I respect that .

is wanting a chat with a friend really putting so much of my wellbeing onto someone else?

No, I don't think so. People need friends they can rely on.

I don't agree with the modern philosophy that you must ditch all your friends who are "negative", i.e. don't go round with a plastic smile the whole time.

I would say that asking someone who is deeply distressed and who has very little resilience, to give more to others, or stop being so wrapped up in themselves etc shows a really misplaced understanding of mental health and human suffering.

If you have not been given the love and stability needed throughout your childhood, it is very natural that the consequences will follow you into adulthood. And if you have no template for supportive loving relationships, but a great familiarity with abusive, cruel or indifferent relationships, it seems rather obvious that you will not know how to create and sustain positive relationships. It's also very natural that you would not know how to create positive networks of support. If you've never experienced normality, how can you go on to create normality?

I'd wonder why you are having no luck with mental health services? Is it that you've got stung by the postcode lottery and your area really has nothing to offer? Or is something else going on? If you've been through the counselling process and seen no benefit maybe you're not in the right place to be able to engage meaningfully with it? Or maybe that was the case then but you'd be able to get more out of it now?

Have you ever been referred to a psychiatrist? Or for more long term psychotherapy? Those things are available through the NHS but you may need a better understanding of the way your area works.

Anyway, point being, I think maybe you'd benefit from being helped to learn how to care for and love yourself, and how to therefore interact with other people. For example, protecting yourself from people who are treating you in ways that are continuing the abuse and negative self esteem that are harming you. Not expecting bad people or bad relationships to behave in a different way. And how to value the good behaviours others show you.

It's hard to do, but it's clear everything is very very wrong for you at the moment. And it only takes a couple of people helping you just a little bit, for you to be able to glimpse the world outside abuse, cruelty, and dismissal. And those first baby steps are the hardest, but once you can see and feel what you are striving for, it can help you keep that in sight, to see what you are working towards....

Good luck. And btw, you deserve people to care, and good people in your life. It's such a horrible way to live, looking at kindness and love, yet being told it's not for you.

Hey element, I knew this thread would be you. I've been on other threads of yours under various NN (I change frequently because I give too much personal info away!). I've always told you I work in MH and on another thread you said I seemed different to other MH workers you've known so hopefully you won't be pissed off with me today.

I care about you. You're not a bad person. I know you're in pain now but I think you're doing a little better than when you were having threads deleted because of what you said you wanted to do and you concluded that MN hated you and wanted you to die.

And I know you'll be angry with what I have to say!. You have a diagnosis of BPD and reject it (for good reason given the woeful treatment of BPD sufferers in most MH areas ). But there is a campaign within some MH services now to rename that as emotional intensity disorder. I can't say it will erase all the stigma but it's a start and an accurate reflection of what a lot of people go through. Much more accurate than a 'disorder of personality'.

More 'robust' people can handle a friend dropping them or even just 'blanking them' once. Lots of people like you can't. It can't be that friend having a bad day or being distracted. It must be you!. And that must mean that you're bad or tainted or not good enough and it wraps up in all your other experiences so it must mean that no-one cares about you. That you're not worthy. But you think everyone else is. All those other people you know who might be less kind or trustworthy or less of a friend get cared about and you don't.

And it seems that way so painfully. That you do all the right things and you're let down and abandoned.

You can't control how other people respond to you. This is a crisis for you so concentrate on what you can control. Get outside for a bit even if it's the last thing you want to do, it will help. Eat a bit even if no appetite - your brain and body can't function without calories so you'll be shaky and anxious if you don't eat.

Do something - anything that you enjoy. Watch a fave film or listen to uptempo music or have a bath. It seems trite and patronising but I can't solve all of your problems, I don't know what most of them are so this is advice to just try and get you through the next hours when you feel so awful.

This will pass. You've been here many times before Element and you have a 100% success record of surviving these times.

Take care x

lifesagas I'm not reacting to him suddenly blanking me. I ALREADY was very struggling, in MH crisis really, and speaking to a friend would have helped. And its not a bad day for him ive not had a reply for 2.5 weeks

i dot have an official diagnosis of bpd. My GP thinks depression with a hint of PTSD. BPD doesnt fit me as a label, i dont fulfil the symptoms. I have been getting steadily more depreed for weeks hence asking a friend if theyd have time for a chat. this isnt a random one off, ive been trying to survive by doing things i enjoy for weeks - its not working, things arent enjoyable. thats why i know i need help from someone else now. i dont hink i will get t though nd i dont think i can go on much longer. my brain is all going funny cos the pain is too much too long

It's such a horrible way to live, looking at kindness and love, yet being told it's not for you
tis is it exactly, thanks, i get nightmares, like in one i had a baby and they took it away and laughed at me and said "YOURE not allowed to have a baby"

acually lifesaga thogh most of your message was nice im sick of being patronised about the bpd label. I dont fit the symptoms and lots of trouble and shit as hapened to me cos people make assumptions. You knew i wouldnt be happy with you mentioning it, because it is irrelevent. I am depressed, i am steadily depresed, i dont have wild mood swings. People obsessing over a vaguely hovering bpd label does not help at all. You make it sound like i was fine until i got blanked. No, ive been getting lower and lower and eventally reached out to a friend (or not as it turns out, he's also deleted me off fb. This is weird.) I have been doing so much to try to be ok. Guess what? two weeks ago i was on a beautiful tropical island and i was still having to drag myself out of bed, still presenting a face to the world and then hiding and crying later, still thinking death is the way out. I fucking tried my hardest to make the most of everything and it scared me that even there, i didnt seem to perk up. So please dont patronise me and act like im just overeacting, im actually dealing with a lifetime of pain and quite clear depressions symptoms despite trying my best

sorry that sounded more annoyed than i meant, i just despairing and frustrated with having to keep explining myself when peple are like a dog with a bone over the pd label!

ctjoy You are placing far too much on this person's actions.(watching his fb profile over the 2 weeks) I didnt watch his profile! God, people read into things and have some weird idea of me. I barely had internet acces, only once a week until this last week. Naturally, when he didnt reply for so long (despite message being seen straight away), I glanced over his profile in case he'd mentioned something going on etc - especially important as I dont use fb that much so do miss announcements etc.

it is also really unfair to place suicide on someone else. if i saw someone being ignored, treated badly, whatever, and they killed themeleves, then yes actually the person doing it is a bit responsible. Like if someone collapsed and you just walked past and they died, whereas if you'd called an ambulanc or whatever theyd have been saved. For some reason people like to pin suicide squarely on the suicidal person, no matter the dreadful things that have led them there. I again refer you to "An Inspector Calls", JB Priestly

Although as I said beofre, the sort of people who worry they could have done more are unlikely to be the people who made it worse. Those people probably never stop to think they coud have helped.

feel really anxious now like i need to explain every tiny detail and scared if if i forget... ctjoy thinks i was scrutinizing his page for weeks, i was being sensible and checked it over before coming to the concusion he was blanking me! i get scared of things like this, people get wildly wrong idea about me cos i've not explained something or phrased a certain way, im scared