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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DH if he's been unfaithful?

104 replies

JustCleo · 11/03/2016 09:56

I name changed and posted in relationships last night because I'm experiencing symptoms which could indicate an std. Apologies for TMI but I have lots of stretchy greeny yellow discharge, tummy pain, lower back pain, nausea and a fever on and off. I also need to wee lots and urgently and feel a bit burny down below. I saw the doctor this morning and he said it sounds likely to be chlamydia and that I need to make an appointment at the GUM clinic.

DH has form for being dishonest when caught out so I don't trust him 100%. When I was pregnant I accidentally saw he'd been watching porn. He'd always said he didn't like porn, never watched it etc. I checked his history and he was watching it and masterbating daily which had been negatively impacting our sex life but he'd still lied and continued to do so until I told him I'd checked his history.

I want to ask him outright if he's been unfaithful and if this could be chlamydia but I appreciate that completely demonstrates I don't trust him and could seriously damage the relationship if it turns out not to be. But I don't think I can wait for the appointment and remain in pain and seething without just saying something. Would I be unreasonable to ask him?

OP posts:
LifeofI · 11/03/2016 17:30

wait for the results.
This could be BV everything minus the burning wee indicates that to me.

XiCi · 11/03/2016 17:44

Get to a clinic asap. For God's sake don't wait a week for the symptoms to worsen. If you Google clinics near to you you should find ones nearby that are open in the evenings and Saturdays. You need to know what is wrong before you accuse him though I would tell him what's been happening and what the Dr said. Also agree with pp that watching porn is not comparable to cheating

Goingtobeawesome · 11/03/2016 17:50

It's vital you get checked and treated ASAP. Take the kids with you.

I hope he hasn't cheated on you.

FinallyFreeFromItAll · 11/03/2016 20:13

No, no routine pregnancy STI screening swabbing is done the UK, apart from one of the booking bloods are sent for HIV & syphilis.

Actually chlamydia is routinely tested for if you're 25 or under when pregnant.

Original poster
JustCleo · 11/03/2016 23:00

I had no problem with him watching porn. My problem was that he repeatedly lied by insisting he didn't like it and hassled me for sex saying it was the only satisfaction he could get when actually he was sneaking off repeatedly to masterbate which meant any time we did have sex it was over in minutes and so completely unfulfilling for me. He pretended he didn't know why and continued to lie until he knew I'd checked his phone history.

It's not burning when I wee, it's a constant burny feeling. I was over 25 for this pregnancy but not the previous one so I was checked then but if u do have anything it can only be from him. I haven't asked him yet but it's really easy to make the connection between us having had sex for the first time in months a few weeks ago and now all these symptoms.

OP posts:
ridemesideways · 11/03/2016 23:14

Actually chlamydia is routinely tested for if you're 25 or under when pregnant.

Ahh, well that's changed since I was a midwife then!

ridemesideways · 11/03/2016 23:18

but it's really easy to make the connection between us having had sex for the first time in months a few weeks ago and now all these symptoms.

Maybe - but not necessarily. Sex in itself can kick off non-sti things too. Maybe from the change in vaginal pH / friction / etc.

I'd keep my side of the street clean. Gather all your evidence before you confront him.

Fidelia · 11/03/2016 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Titsywoo · 11/03/2016 23:41

Go to the clinic asap. I had similar symptoms and it was gonorrhoea which progressed to pelvic inflammatory disease and has caused a lot of internal scarring.

Vintage45 · 11/03/2016 23:51

I do have a problem with blokes watching porn.. They tend to be a "type" these types tend to see women as second class citizens.

I often hold my head in my hands where women are concerned. He has huge form yet you are asking us whether he may have cheated "this time". I feel for your op but wake up!

Pinkheart5915 · 11/03/2016 23:56

Vintage45 I think that is unfair to say men that what porn are " types" that see woman as second class citizens.
My husband does watch it on occasion and he treats me with absolute respect and we have a very happy marriage! I have watched with him on a couple of occasions I don't have a problem with porn

Pinkheart5915 · 11/03/2016 23:57

Fidelia excellent advice

getyourfingeroutyournose · 12/03/2016 00:35

If you search on the NHS choices site there should be a clinic open on a saturday. I used the sat clinics to get my injection so I wasn't alone. You need to go sooner rather than later. I feel your pain with the lying thing. It makes it very hard to trust someone when they lie about the little things (no matter what it's about). I'd tell him why the doctor has sent you for tests. You could just say she suspects you have an STD. You are married so you are allowed to talk to him and ask questions. Just be honest with him. Say "I'm trying not to accuse you here but the doctor thinks I have an std, I was tested in my pregnancy so if I do the only way I could have got anything is through you. Is there any way I could have caught this from you? I just want my mind put at ease because this is quite stressful and scary"
You're not lying, withholding or being sneaky. You are treating him how you would want to be treated, with honesty and without an argument. If he reacts badly to that you both need to sit down after this is done and talk about your attitudes towards each other. Counselling will definitely help with the trust issues and he needs to figure out why he lies.

Vintage45 · 12/03/2016 00:39

Apologies Pink if I offended you in any way. I said they tend to be a type which didn't encompass all, just a lot.

DropYourSword · 12/03/2016 01:08

I had to write an essay on STI's in university... Did you realise that the test accuracy rate for chlamydia is somewhere less than 70% accurate. I certainly didn't, and they don't tell you that when getting tested. Not saying it's likely but there is a small possibility that this could have been lying dormant in your system for a while.

PegsPigs · 12/03/2016 03:02

You need to get tested ASAP for everything then have the conversation fully and frankly.

Pannacott · 12/03/2016 03:14

Also sounds more like gonorrhoea than chlamydia to me. Get tested ASAP! You don't want to have gonorrhoea for a week, there are resistant strains, it's really not good for you. Sorry this is happening.

LoopiusMaximus · 12/03/2016 03:30

Hi, it sounds like a UTI. I had a swab just in case but that's what it turned out to be and I had all of the symptoms you're describing

Bonkbuster · 12/03/2016 14:11

If he's going to lie then he will even if you do get solid evidence. He will probably turn it round on you and say that you must have been unfaithful.

Sallyingforth · 12/03/2016 18:26

He will probably turn it round on you and say that you must have been unfaithful.

So what? They will both know the truth.

Bonkbuster · 12/03/2016 18:33

Just warning the OP he might try that. It can be difficult to think straight when you're the one in an emotionally upsetting situation.

Original poster
JustCleo · 13/03/2016 00:04

When my daughters have had UTI's they've been really ill with them though? I feel fine, just my yummy feels as though I've held a wee in for too long and I feel burny down below continuously rather than when I wee.

I have decided not to ask him. I'm going to try and get an appointment for Monday and keep quiet until I know the results.

OP posts:
TattieHowkerz · 13/03/2016 00:09

Testing for STDs is standard in pregnancy in at least some areas - I'm in Scotland, you are tested as a matter of course unless you opt out.

Somethingkindaooh · 13/03/2016 00:39

I got trich when i was pregnant with my first.. It's not always caught through sex it can be transmitted through towels, public toilets etc

Sallyingforth · 13/03/2016 15:59

Very sensible of you OP