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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DH if he's been unfaithful?

104 replies

JustCleo · 11/03/2016 09:56

I name changed and posted in relationships last night because I'm experiencing symptoms which could indicate an std. Apologies for TMI but I have lots of stretchy greeny yellow discharge, tummy pain, lower back pain, nausea and a fever on and off. I also need to wee lots and urgently and feel a bit burny down below. I saw the doctor this morning and he said it sounds likely to be chlamydia and that I need to make an appointment at the GUM clinic.

DH has form for being dishonest when caught out so I don't trust him 100%. When I was pregnant I accidentally saw he'd been watching porn. He'd always said he didn't like porn, never watched it etc. I checked his history and he was watching it and masterbating daily which had been negatively impacting our sex life but he'd still lied and continued to do so until I told him I'd checked his history.

I want to ask him outright if he's been unfaithful and if this could be chlamydia but I appreciate that completely demonstrates I don't trust him and could seriously damage the relationship if it turns out not to be. But I don't think I can wait for the appointment and remain in pain and seething without just saying something. Would I be unreasonable to ask him?

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 11/03/2016 10:39

Could also be Gonorrhea, based on your symptoms.

ridemesideways · 11/03/2016 10:42

and I was screened [for chlamydia] during pregnancy last year

Was this a routine screening?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 11/03/2016 10:42

I have to wait until next Friday when he's off so I don't have to take our two preschool aged dc.

Don't do that. Seriously. If you have to take them, so be it, but don't wait a whole week. Quick treatment can be important, and you need to know.

Most GUM clinics around here have colouring books etc (according to the leaflets in the doctors, at least) so hopefully yours will have something similar. If not, it's worth the struggle of balancing the kids to find out what you've got and start treatment.

AdrenalineFudge · 11/03/2016 10:42

I'd sit on it without alluding to anything until I had the results. Tbh, even if he denies it you still need to go for the test regardless.

Brightside65 · 11/03/2016 10:43

Chlamydia can be symptomless for a long time so best not try and work out when you contracted it.

On the plus it's fairly easy to treat but at same time if you do have an STD despite the cheating you have every right to be angry with your DH for putting your health at risk

Cutecat78 · 11/03/2016 10:45

It's not Chlamydia honestly - those symptoms are not it.

I work in sexual health.

Some branches of Boots have a walk in clinic it might be worth Googling.

ImperialBlether · 11/03/2016 10:46

Symptoms of gonorrhoea, according to the NHS website:

Symptoms in women

In women, symptoms of gonorrhoea can include:
•an unusual vaginal discharge, which may be thin or watery and green or yellow in colour
•pain or a burning sensation when passing urine
•pain or tenderness in the lower abdominal area (this is less common)
•bleeding between periods, heavier periods and bleeding after sex (this is less common)

Original poster
JustCleo · 11/03/2016 10:46

If he was showing symptoms of an std I wouldn't feel offended if he asked the question to me, particularly if I had a history of being dishonest.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustCleo · 11/03/2016 10:47

Yes I've wondered that too imperial. I've had a bit of spotting and my tummy feels tender to the touch.

OP posts:
deathlyhallows1 · 11/03/2016 10:51

Op is there any chance you might be pg? It's just that nausea and back pain and tummy pain could be a symptom?

Original poster
JustCleo · 11/03/2016 10:53

I've tested negative for pregnancy.

OP posts:
Fugghetaboutit · 11/03/2016 10:55

Are people really screened for all stds when pregnant? I wasn't for either pregnancies

deathlyhallows1 · 11/03/2016 10:56

Neither was I. Think your just tested for HIV

mummymeister · 11/03/2016 10:56

don't do or say anything to him unless you have all the facts in front of you and get hold of those facts asap - don't wait another week, you need to know.

once you have the facts then you can confront him. as another poster said, if you do have an sti then I would not tell him which one, I would say that the doctor suspects HIV and put the fear of god into him.

once this crisis is over Op you do need to re-think your relationship with someone that you know cheats and from what you say about your sex life, doesn't really sound like he is in to you.

MumUndone · 11/03/2016 10:57

Why not be honest and tell him you have symptoms, your GP thinks you have an STD, and you have to go to the GUM clinic for testing. He needs to get tested too. You don't need to accuse him of anything at this point.

Once you have your results, and if you test positive for sonething, you can have a proper conversation about the infidelity aspect then.

ImperialBlether · 11/03/2016 11:02

You do need to do something immediately though, OP. The sooner it gets cleared up the better.

ridemesideways · 11/03/2016 11:02

Are people really screened for all stds when pregnant? I wasn't for either pregnancies

No, no routine pregnancy STI screening swabbing is done the UK, apart from one of the booking bloods are sent for HIV & syphilis.

Why I asked the OP if her chlamydia swab in last pregnancy was routine..

ridemesideways · 11/03/2016 11:04

A swab is taken during pregnancy only if an infection is suspected.

Fugghetaboutit · 11/03/2016 11:08

Didn't see your post ride

It would cost the NHS too much to do a full std screen for every mother so doubt they would unless you asked. Weird op was

whois · 11/03/2016 11:19

I wouldn't accuse until you get the proof.

But a secondary point is that if you think he could/would cheat then the relationship is doomed even if he didn't.

TrashPanda · 11/03/2016 11:50

I was routinely tested for all STDs during my first pregnancy but I was in the 16-24 age bracket. Second pregnancy I was outside that and I wasn't tested. There was also 5 years inbetween and a change of health authority.

littlethingsinlife · 11/03/2016 11:53

I wouldn't have it out with my partner personally but no one knows him how you know him and the history so it's really your call.

Has he been unfaithful before? I had something nasty looking a bit like you describe turns out I had too much flora in my body and I found out I was pregnant too. It wouldn't even cross my mind in the circumstances you describe to even think its an sti or that my partner was being unfaithful.

If you are in the clear maybe this is a sign that you need to sit down and talk through trust issues with one another as they can easily ruin relationships.

I know this doesn't fit your symptoms but it makes you think certain std are a bit more complicated as some are symptomless eg herpes simplex virus-1 and virus-2 it can lay dormant for years and years and then people have a breakout. I remember watching something where someone got accused of being unfaithful and in actual fact they had probably had it for over 10 years from a previous partner! I think when it's this actual one it would be hard to say if someone had cheated especially if you had previous sexual partners.
As far as I know I've not got it I've never had a cold sore which is herpes simplex virus-1 but does not mean that I havent got it and its one of the most common std non life threatening.

PurpleDaisies · 11/03/2016 11:58

If he was showing symptoms of an std I wouldn't feel offended if he asked the question to me, particularly if I had a history of being dishonest.

Really?! You wouldn't mind being asked if you had been unfaithful?

I don't understand what you've got to lose by waiting until the test results are back. From your posts it sounds like you've already made up your mind anyway so I'm not really sure why you posted.

oldjacksscrote · 11/03/2016 12:04

Definitely go to gum for full tests, but i think you might be able to get the test in boots If you want something quickly.

PurpleDaisies · 11/03/2016 12:06

Presumably the GP has sent off tests for chlamidia and gonorrhoea?

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