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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that dd has to attend a sports tournament at the weekend?

46 replies

lottielou7 · 10/03/2016 20:58

All of her year are expected to attend. She's in year 7. I have arranged for her to board the night before because the bus leaves very early. She won't be the only one - there will be other girls she knows. It's from 9 til about 3.30 on Saturday. I've said to her that she needs to go because it's what being a team player is all about. But she's been crying and saying she doesn't like Lacrosse and doesn't want to go. I think this is partly because she got hit in the mouth with a lacrosse stick a few weeks ago.

I feel that it's not teaching her to be responsible if I let her skip things just because she doesn't like them. AIBU?

OP posts:
HeffalumpHistory · 10/03/2016 21:07

YABU
It's her weekend too Hmm
If she works hard at school all week why should she be forced to do additional sports for the sake of the school that she doesn't want to?
She obviously feels strongly about this. I don't think I'd want to go either - not the same as an extra curricular she's chosen if school are dictating. How can they "expect" the whole year to be there? How families choose to spend their weekends has naff all to do with the school
in a hell of a mood rant over

HeffalumpHistory · 10/03/2016 21:08

I feel that it's not teaching her to be responsible if I let her skip things just because she doesn't like them. AIBU?

Don't let her skip the school bits in the week. This should be downtime
this time I'm done

SohowdoIdothis · 10/03/2016 21:09

Is there other stuff going on that she doesn't want to tell you?

Are certain people being unkind and she doesn't want to be stuck some where without an exit strategy.

Because children rarely want to let down their friends, but will do anything to get out of being trapped with people who are being unkind.

Find a way to get her to spill the beans on what really worrying her.

If it's just not feeling like taking a few knocks, then she needs to find a way to tackle being out of her comfort zone.

honeysucklejasmine · 10/03/2016 21:11

Eh? Surely if the whole year are going she'll know everyone and all her friends will be there.

I assume it's an independent school. So expectations of weekends may be different, but I don't blame her for not wanting to go.

molyholy · 10/03/2016 21:12

Maybe she doesn't like the sport and doesn't want to go. I don't think you shouldforce her.

Balletgirlmum · 10/03/2016 21:14

If she's not a sporty person & she hadn't opted to join a team then I don't think you should make her go.

My dd has chosen to go to a school on a dance bursary so she HAS to attend whatever performances etc her school day including regular Saturdsy classes.

Ds is an an independent school & there is no way I'd make him miss his saturdsy morning external footie training to attend a rugby event at school (he hates rugby)

Original poster
lottielou7 · 10/03/2016 22:23

She is sporty though, and had given the teacher the impression she wanted to go. if everyone pulled out they wouldn't be able to do it. It's a very lacrosse oriented school. I don't think shes having bullying problems as she loves school most of the time.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 10/03/2016 22:28

It's a very lacrosse oriented school.

I went for a couple of years to a school like that and it was awful. Personally I think being a team player is overrated.

Maryz · 10/03/2016 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theycallmemellojello · 10/03/2016 22:31

I guess it depends whether she was given a proper choice about signing up. If yes then fair enough to ask her to stick to it (after finding out her worries). If she was railroaded into it I'd let her skip.

manicinsomniac · 10/03/2016 22:35

It's a difficult one.

I work in a boarding prep and it's very much a 6 day a week school. Do you have lessons on Saturday mornings anyway? We have lessons followed by matches in the afternoon and yes, the expectation and ethos of the school is that all those selected by matches on a given day attend them and support their team and school. Obviously there are occasional absences but they are supposed to have a good reason.

Most of our children thrive on it. But for those who aren't keen it's a chore.

My children's passions are dance, drama and singing; not sport. As a member of staff I do everything possible to support the school's stance and my girls do dance etc at every possible time that doesn't regularly clash with school ... but when there is a direct clash I do let them do the dance and skip the sport. I feel bad but children shouldn't be forced to do what they don't want to do at the expense of something they love.

Original poster
lottielou7 · 10/03/2016 22:40

The thing is that she had the opportunity to tell the teacher that she doesn't want to go but she didn't. The email the teacher sent me implied that she has said she wanted to go.

She is 12 now so as you say she needs to discuss it herself rather than expect me to say I don't want her to go.

OP posts:
FreshHorizons · 10/03/2016 22:49

She probably found it difficult to say that she didn't want to go. She has my sympathy, I have never played lacrosse, but hockey was bad enough, I had to endure the lessons but I wouldn't have done extra. She needs to be the one to tell the teacher, but I wouldn't make her go. The huge problem with PE teachers is that they can't understand any pupil thinking the lessons are the worst part of the week!

Original poster
lottielou7 · 10/03/2016 22:51

Hmm I feel bad now. But the thing is she's a very athletic child. She loves netball and is always picked for the A team so I guess I feel that she should allow more time to connect with these other sports.

OP posts:
WanderingNotLost · 10/03/2016 23:41

What the hell school is she at, Mallory Towers??

Original poster
lottielou7 · 11/03/2016 06:35

Why do you feel the need to be so rude? I really doubt you have never heard of a school that plays lacrosse.

OP posts:
LIZS · 11/03/2016 06:42

She should go. It is too late to back out now without letting others down. Even if she ends up supporting rather than playing. Dd used to have to do lacrosse and never took to it, but would still go along if picked.

Original poster
lottielou7 · 11/03/2016 06:44

That's what I think LIZS. Sometimes we all have to do things we wouldn't necessarily choose.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 11/03/2016 06:44

I hated lacrosse at school, got hit in the gob with the ball.

I'd make her go. She'll enjoy it once she's there.

teacher54321 · 11/03/2016 06:51

She should go. Once you've committed to something, you don't pull out.

Eastpoint · 11/03/2016 06:57

If she said she'd play then she needs to go - that's the way life works if you are a responsible person. I think that is the real point here. If it's a tournament the games might only be 9 minutes long and they will be swapping in and out so she won't be playing for long. One of the fun things about tournaments is seeing your friends from other schools, would that encourage her? Make sure she takes enough layers and has some money to buy hot chocolate/cakes & a tournament hoody if they have them.

Sofiria · 11/03/2016 07:47

YABU. Year 7s can find it very difficult to say no to teachers and there's more to a young person's life than school - her weekend should be her time. If she wanted to go she might enjoy it, but being forced to go might just make her miserable.

If the whole year (or the majority) are attending then it isn't as if she's letting down a particular team, so I don't think it's the same situation as if, say, she didn't want to attend a hockey match she'd been selected for the A team for. That would be irresponsible - but a whole year Saturday sport event is different.

Surprised by the reactions to lacrosse - I played it at my state school!

GlacindaTheTroll · 11/03/2016 07:55

I think it's too late to drop out noŵ.

For future as would drill your DD in "I'll need to check at home whether it's possible that day"

Because you can't really pull out of a commitment (even one that no longer seems appealing) without a good excuse, whereas you can avoid signing up in the first place with barely a reason given.

If the school is usually inclusive of sport, they may be taking 3 or 4 teams, so yes it can be true that it is both most of the year group and all the players are needed.

Agree with the idea of taking cake!

TheSecondOfHerName · 11/03/2016 08:02

If she avoids situations that make her feel anxious then this will reinforce the anxiety and make it worse.

It would be better for her in the long run if she goes.

Reassure her that you have heard what she is saying, and you understand that she feels anxious about it, but I would encourage her to try to face her anxiety and do it anyway.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 11/03/2016 08:04

She should go. She had committed to it and should honour that.