To say that dd has to attend a sports tournament at the weekend?

[lottielou7]

All of her year are expected to attend. She's in year 7. I have arranged for her to board the night before because the bus leaves very early. She won't be the only one - there will be other girls she knows. It's from 9 til about 3.30 on Saturday. I've said to her that she needs to go because it's what being a team player is all about. But she's been crying and saying she doesn't like Lacrosse and doesn't want to go. I think this is partly because she got hit in the mouth with a lacrosse stick a few weeks ago.

I feel that it's not teaching her to be responsible if I let her skip things just because she doesn't like them. AIBU?

If the school expects her to go then yes, I would make her go. However, is it the boarding bit that could be worrying her (even if she's not saying that)? If she's not used to boarding at school she might be getting anxious about what will happen. Would she be happier if you can drive her there early on the Saturday instead?

You don't seem the least bit concerned about her being hit in the mouth with a lacrosse stick! I'm not surprised she doesn't fancy it now.

I've heard of schools that play lacrosse. I've never heard of a school where an entire year group is expected to give up their Saturday for lacrosse!

Well, no I'm not concerned that she was hit in the mouth with a lacrosse stick - she had a gum shield and not even a bruise. Unfortunately this sort of thing does happen. She was not particularly hurt - the school didn't phone me and she didn't mention it on the day.

These days you can't post any kind of thread on mumsnet without one or two people trying to pick a fight it seems I guess some people are pretty bored...

Is she boarded all week?

No, she boards occasionally. The boarding mistress is lovely - it's very homely and I don't think she was worried about that.

I think that as she has committed to go she should go.

I also think you maybe need to check/clarify on the policy/ethos of the school with respect to weekend activities and non-full boarders.

Is there a stated or explicit assumption that day/flexi kids will be available for Saturdays if needed for fixtures (or concerts)? If so your DD needs to understand that if she chooses to be in a team or orchestra or whatever then she may be required to attend at weekends.

I suspect that quite a few people reading didn't pick up that this is at least a part boarding school. Probably the % mix full boarders - part time / flexi to day will make a difference on the ethos regarding attending at weekends.

As an aside, I was surprised to see pictures from my old school the other day with all the kids wearing eye goggles for lacrosse. Is that standard now too along with gum shields?

Yes, they are now recommending eye goggles to be phased in - I have to buy some for her this term actually. The incident made us realise how important gum shields are to avoid a chipped tooth etc.

I think that the school does expect the girls to be available at weekends in the same way that they are expected to attend Saturday open days. She is also a scholar, and as such, is the subject of a large financial award. So I do feel that we should support the school wherever possible.

Yabu. If she doesn't like lacrosse, why are you making her do it. It's a waste of her time the sports coaches time, not to mention a waste of money for you, plus. There could be a child wanting to join and your DD could be taking up a place.

She's only 11/12. She's in school all week. I assume shs just wants to chill, going shopping with her friends. I wouldn't want to go to sports event on a Saturday from 9.30-3.30, especially in this cold weather.

She does get to go shopping with friends - she did that last week. She is not taking up spaces - I said in the op that they are all expected to go.

Personally I think it is important to teach children from a young age that they can't just bail out on their commitments and let people down. She does lacrosse club every week and has no problem with that. So I feel she should give it some time before deciding not to do it at all.

Can you offer to go to spectate?

I went to a boarding school that played lacrosse - perfectly usual in independent schools. What was also expected at my school was a 6-day attendance (even from the day girls) and Saturday afternoon was when we played sports fixtures. It's part of what you sign up for when choosing not to send your child to a state school.

In this instance, I think your dd just has to go. Otherwise she lets the team down. You may care to discuss whether she'd rather not be picked for the lacrosse team in future if she really is reluctant but I doubt you'll get a hugely sympathetic response from the school. You chose that type of schooling.

If she says she doesn't like lacrosse and doesn't want to do it then why would you make her go?

I would say that's fine - but that she has to explain herself to the teacher and her teammates. Then don't go on about it.

I'm not keen on this forcing a child into doing something they don't want to do. Sod being a team player who wants to be miserable. And I've never even seen a lacrosse game

Summer - yes I completely agree. At this school there are certain things that they expect the girls to attend and I have no problem with this. As you say, if I did then I wouldn't have chosen the school in the first place.

"If she says she doesn't like lacrosse and doesn't want to do it then why would you make her go?

I would say that's fine - but that she has to explain herself to the teacher and her teammates. Then don't go on about it"

THIS

It gives her some control-and responsibility for the situation. At around the same age, my mother took the same approach to me, when I decided to bail from the school play (evening) with notice. I weighed it up-and decided my desire not to do it, was deeper than any fear of censure.

I'll have a word with her and say that in future she needs to discuss it with her teacher as to whether she's going to be in a match or not. But you see, she loves netball. I personally think it's good for her to play sport with her friends.

If it helps Lottie I have similar issues with DD who loves sport, but every time there is an XC meet or hockey club she says she doesn't want to go. I make her, because she committed to the club of her own volition at the start of the season. Every Sunday I drive her, she moans, we get there, she has a fab time, and the journey home is a hoot. Recently she admitted that she is really pleased I have "made her" go each week and that she loves the time we have together in the car as well as the feeling she gets after the match/race. It's just a life lesson - in years to come she will always associate weekends with getting up and getting out, and God knows that working full time there have been so many weekends when I would have secretly been quite happy to say "ok we'll all just have a duvet day" but that's not the life lesson I want for her. Obviously if she actually really hated it I wouldn't push it, but in that circumstance I'd find something she liked and organise that. Yanbu.

Thanks Havingitall

Getting hit in the mouth would put me off too.

So, surely the best thing is not to reinforce the message that one set back means she's incapable of doing something.