AIBU to think that when your dd calls you in tears, you see her?

[Stanky]

My cousin is in her 40s, and has some mild disabilities. She lived with her bf for a few years, but they broke up. She phoned her mother in tears, but didn't get any where with her. So, she phoned my dm, and my dm told her to come and stay with her, until we can help her live independently in sheltered housing.

But, if your dd called you in tears, would you not just go and pick her up? No matter what? Bearing in mind that money is no object, you only live down the road, your house is huge and you don't work or have any commitments?

Her dd is mild mannered, and no problem at all. Perhaps mildly irritating to live with, but it's not her fault. She's her dd. Her dad hasn't invited her to stay with him either, but I don't know his circumstances at all.

I don't understand how people could just not help their own dd. :(

Only time will tell OP.

I stepped in when my Neice, who had MH issues needed help, I though the same of her Mother (my relative by marriage, Dad deceased), as you do of your Aunt.

I paid the price both financially and emotionally and got no thanks, she's since gone from one car crash relationship to another, rejecting all help in the form of counselling etc.

If she knocked on my door again, id reject her, I'd have to put myself first, as hard as that sounds.

Just to add OP, my Neice has sucked others into her next 'crisis' and each time we are judged harshly by those, usually the latest BF Mum, until they've been treated the same.

Also, you can't cope with the same level of stress as you get older, I'm only 47, but I feel things more than I did, even five years ago.

Is your Aunt in her 60's?

I think it's very easy to look on the outside at another family's behaviours and make a judgement call but it can be very different living within that family as a parent or sibling or child. I have an adult sibling with SEN. My phone log shows she rang my mobile 22 times on Sunday. I did actually see her on Sunday, and the calls are just what she does. This happens every day. I am very careful to only see her twice a week, otherwise I would end up having my life completely overcome by looking after her and the more I do, the less social services will help with. I have to protect my time with my own family and children and I know that other people think my attitude can be hard.

If she can't cope and is too old, I wish that she'd just say that. I don't know what her excuse was in years gone by though. Perhaps this sort of thing goes on more than I realised.

Sprongpicnic, that does sound really difficult, and it's wonderful that you make the time to see her twice a week. I can appreciate that you need time to yourself too.

YABU

You admit yourself that you have no idea why her mother responded the way she did. You keep talking about your cousin as if she's a teenager but she's not, she's a 40 something adult woman with enough capacity to choose to set up home with her boyfriend. Stop infantalising her.

ok thanks.

No-one on here can say that the OP is infantalising her because none of us know the situation between the woman and her mother in detail.

OP - I think it's lovely that you are enough about her to take her in and post about it here. Just be cautious

Thanks SirChenjin. :)

Yes, I would. But My own mother certainly wouldn't, and publicly is a normal doting mother.

Sorry to hear that Theonlycolditz. At least we can learn how not to be a parent.

Sometimes people are so tired of dealing with people who go from one mess to another that they just cant face another round of it. The people who create the messes, in this case the OP's cousin, either are so unable to make sensible decisions that they can not be allowed to make any decisions or they are pulling their family and friends into their chaotic lives and f & f are being distressed by it all. It is not an easy situation for anyone.

That's true TheBouquets. It's really not an easy situation for any one. She does need a lot of support, and her condition gets worse as time goes on. It's very sad. :(

I think blaming the mum is counter-productive and focusses your energies negatively and makes you feel angry and sad and other emotions that sap your ability to cope and feel good about the situation.

I think it isn't unreasonable to feel that way but that it isn't helpful either. I think you should focus on feeling good about how nice your own mum is and be glad you get on well with your cousin and that she has you as a support network.

Do what you think is the right thing and focus on making sure your cousin gets the support from various agencies that she is entitled to and ensure she is 'plugged in' to local communities and groups like People First and other disabled rights groups which encourage and empower people to make supported choices from a position of strength and independence.

Some relatives can be a disappointment but that is when the wider community and special interest groups can come in wonderfully handy and they can be a breath of fresh air. Have you and your mum got in touch with local carers organisations? They can be extremely helpful in suggesting ways that people who support relatives with challenges and impairments can find help themselves in dealing with the various services and departments such as health and housing and council etc. to take some of the pressure off. They can also be a great place to meet others in similar situations to swap tips and wrinkles that are specific to your local area and just to let off steam with people who understand.