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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that when your dd calls you in tears, you see her?

115 replies

Stanky · 09/03/2016 06:55

My cousin is in her 40s, and has some mild disabilities. She lived with her bf for a few years, but they broke up. She phoned her mother in tears, but didn't get any where with her. So, she phoned my dm, and my dm told her to come and stay with her, until we can help her live independently in sheltered housing.

But, if your dd called you in tears, would you not just go and pick her up? No matter what? Bearing in mind that money is no object, you only live down the road, your house is huge and you don't work or have any commitments?

Her dd is mild mannered, and no problem at all. Perhaps mildly irritating to live with, but it's not her fault. She's her dd. Her dad hasn't invited her to stay with him either, but I don't know his circumstances at all.

I don't understand how people could just not help their own dd. :(

OP posts:
Katenka · 09/03/2016 10:42

So you can understand on some level, her ex boyfriend and carer (he took on that responsibility) getting that fed up he put her out on the street.

But you can't even have a tiny bit of understanding that her mother may have felt the same way. That she just couldn't do it anymore.

How long ago was this? Has anyone actually spoken to your aunt about what happened? About why neither parent helped out?

Or do you only have you cousins point of view?

Again I am not saying your aunt was right. Just that I don't think it's all her fault and you don't know enough to judge out right.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 09/03/2016 10:52

I think that people get very defensive about parents of children with disabilities. Rightly so. Relatives can behave pretty badly and can storm in thinking they know best, when they really don't.

I don't think this is what's happening here though, and I do think it's worth remembering that bad parents are just that, bad, no matter what the situation or need.

I talk as a child of bad parents. That turned me away when I had nowhere to live. I was naive and homeless in London whilst my parents and (older) sister lived in the massive house in the country. Nice. So yes, parents absolutely can and do leave their children in dire need without help. Mine went one step further and lied to everyone that I didn't need help and so blocked off anyone likely to help me. I had to rely on my wits and quite frankly I didn't have many of them! As a fully functioning but unworldly and naive girl I look back on that time with a sense of 'there but for the grace of God'. The older 'kind man' who let me stay in his spare room, turned out to be not so kind, I had to do a midnight flit etc etc. I still wonder, did my mother know what she did?

Years later (& unrelatedly), I have become severely physically disabled. My mother doesn't give a shit. I have carers and my council told me they awarded me more care than usual as they've Never come across someone as isolated and abandoned as I have been by my 'family'. And considering the tendency to under deliver on care on the basis it forces family to step in, the fact no ones even tried to do this after hearing a bit about my 'family history', well, it speaks volumes.

Bad parents exist. Bad parents have no problems putting the phone down on their child in desperate need. I have no trouble in believing a bad parent would do the same even if their child had more needs than usual.

Bunbaker · 09/03/2016 11:04

Flowers for you MiscellaneousAssortment. That is unbelievably shitty of your family.

I have said it before and I will say it again. I simply cannot understand the attitudes of the posters defending the parents in this case. I desperately want DD to become independent, but I would never turn my back on her.

shamonts · 09/03/2016 11:07

my mum didn't. I rang her in tears when I had pnd after dd2

bear in mind I am seen as the 'strong one' and it took me to hit rock bottom before I would break down in tears in front of anyone.

She said she would come down and stay for a couple of days then rang back the next day and said she couldn't come for some stupid made up reason.

Sad

Sorry dont want to make the thread about me but reading the OP made me feel sad.

OP your mum sounds lovely .

Lemonylemon · 09/03/2016 11:13

My mum also let me down spectacularly when my fiance died and also just after I'd given birth. OP, there are bad parents out there.

Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 11:15

Miscellaneousassortment Flowers

My aunt has been known to lie to stop other family members from seeing my cousins, saying that they didn't want to see anyone. I don't understand why she did this either. My cousin has unfortunately been in some bad relationships with men who were not so kind in the past.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 11:18

shamonts and lemony FlowersFlowers

I'm so lucky and grateful to have my mum. Nobody's perfect, but I just don't get some parent's behaviour at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 11:22

Katenka, we did try to speak with my aunt, but she was so angry and just wasn't making any sense. We still don't understand what she is angry about, but we are now nc. This happened a few months ago. I even thought that maybe she would come around, have a change of heart and pick up her dd. But nope. She'd rather pretend that it's not happening, and just carry on like nothing's wrong.

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 09/03/2016 11:26

Stanky why don't you have a look at the "Stately Homes" thread - you might get some sort of idea about your aunt from there.

I don't understand some parents either. I do not understand how they can behave like that, but they can and they do.

Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 11:31

Thanks Lemony. I'm sure that she'd fit right in on that thread. It makes me sad.

OP posts:
Katenka · 09/03/2016 11:34

Look I am not defending her.

I am suggesting there is more going on than the OP knows.

The aunts anger could be that she has never dealt with her daughters diagnosis. She could be twat.

The op didnt elaborate that she has always been fairly rubbish in the op or that she was now NC.

The op didn't put any blame at the door of the ex that kicked her out.

This girl has been let down by several people. My point has been that sometimes judging people, when you don't know the details often leads you in the wrong direction.

Sometimes some parents can do everything and sometimes just have no more to give.

Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 11:40

It's alright Katenka, I understand that I haven't given you a lot of information to go on, and it would be wrong to make a judgement based on that. I can tell you that this isn't the first time her dm has badly let her down, and there are a million other issues. I'm not really asking for her to be judged. I was just trying to understand how a parent could do that, and that surely if your dd called you, you'd be there to support her.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 09/03/2016 12:09

not everyone is born with the same ability to cope. Your aunt may not have that ability left. she may have guilt feeling, sadness, problems herself with how her DDs life has gone. Perhaps she pretends all is well to save herself the heartbreak of it being pushed in her face. Everyone deals with stuff differently.
I found it harder as my DD got older, her difficulties are more obvious to me and make me more sad than when she was smaller.

Katenka · 09/03/2016 12:18

I honestly don't think I could (never mind would) do what your aunt did.

I wasn't going to share this, but it maybe shows where I am coming from.

But I have a friends whose child has complex needs. He has had to be taken out of the home. She couldn't cope.

Even though I see her a lot, I had no idea what was happening or how bad it was. She didn't want him to be removed. She did everything she absolutely could. But she couldn't do it anymore. He was bigger than her at 13.

If you don't know her very well, you may think she just gave him up. She has certainly had people judging her and saying awful things. Only me and her dad know how hard it was at the end. Only her dad (outside SS and other professionals) knew at the time.

The boy is doing much better in residential care. She didn't abandon him, she didn't give up on him. It broke her that she couldn't cope anymore. 2 years later she still holds a huge amount of guilt and self hatred. And yes anger.

Anger because she couldn't cope, anger at his needs, anger her baby wasn't 'normal'. Anger at people who have babies with no problems. She knows the anger in unreasonable, but doesn't stop it happening sometimes.

All I am trying to say is that we rarely know the whole story, so don't try and judge too much.

zzzzz · 09/03/2016 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 12:30

Headofthehive55, it must be very difficult when your dc get older. My ds is still only young, and I'm facing the unknown about how his life and family life will be effected in the future. I think that times have changed in that I can talk about my ds and feel no shame, and I can feel very proud of him. I think that in the past, there was maybe a tendency to feel ashamed and embarrassed if your dc had sn. Society wasn't so understanding, and people might have tried to hide them away and pretend that everything was ok.

Katenka, that sounds like a heart breaking and extremely difficult situation. I hope that things are better for the family now. Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 12:38

I'm trying zzzzz. The reasons pp have suggested such as she's at the end of her rope, and couldn't cope any more, don't apply in this situation. That would be understandable, and we are only human and can only put up with so much. But her dc haven't been in her life very much at all for about 20 years. I think that she just sort of got bored of being a parent. She's also done some real damage with words, which have led to her dc feeling insecure and eating disorders. But actions speak louder than words, and we all witnessed as her dd came to us in tears, and she didn't show up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 12:40

Maybe that's why my cousin seeks love in bad relationships.

OP posts:
Katenka · 09/03/2016 12:43

Thanks Op, her son is much better. Her not so much.

Look at your aunt this way. How much support do you think she got 30 years ago?

Maybe she is awful. Maybe she has a shorter rope than most. Maybe bringing up your cousin damaged her so much she can't cope at all. Maybe she distances herself from her children because her issues have never been dealt with.

Katenka · 09/03/2016 12:43

Obviously none of this helps your cousin, but there could be a million things neither you or your mum are aware of.

zzzzz · 09/03/2016 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katenka · 09/03/2016 12:44

But it wasn't a bad relationship until he put her out was it?

Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 12:48

Most 13 year olds would be protected from unhealthy relationships. All of her dc have had eating disorders.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 12:49

Not this one Katenka, although it probably wasn't a great idea. Previous relationships have been very bad.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 09/03/2016 14:05

I don't think it's unusual in that situation fir your cousin to have a bad relationship. She will be likely to attract a guy in a similar position to herself, on the verge on not coping, struggling to make good relationships. She won't be able to understand others point of view easily if she is stuck at 13. It can take so much out of you, caring, that eventually you do give up.

It's difficult to protect your child from what you think might be an unhealthy relationship because unless it takes place you don't really know whether it is or not. Do You stop her? Well no. You want her to experience having a boyfriend. You can't wrap them up.